I'm taking a short break this chapter. Please enjoy this chapter, brought to you by The Layman.
Hi there, I'm Sir McMullen's good friend from the States, The Layman, and I hate *shudders* Twilight, just as much as (if not more than) Alex does. So, these are just some simple way for Gayward to die. Enjoy.
51 - You're giving us a bad name!
It was a day just like any day in Forks, Washington; the clouds blocked out the sun, the air was so moist you got drenched just walking two feet, and Edward Cullen was continually proving the need for his extermination by merely existing. However, this day was different from the other because Edward got a telegram!
Yes, a telegram (because I think we already did the 'letter" shtick). Edward hadn't gotten a telegram in many years, so naturally he squeed like the hive-minded fanggirls that devolved into existence due to his unwanted existence before he opened it.
"Dear Mister Fag-We mean Cullen!Stop." he read. "Please come to that field where you and all your gay-We mean 'vampire'!friends play that improbable version of baseball at MidnightStop. Come aloneStop."
Being the idiotic boob that he is, Edward immediately raced out of the house and headed for the field, not caring that he was supposed to wait for midnight. When he arrived he found that no one else was there yet, so he just plopped himself down on the grass and grinned like an idiot, waiting for midnight to come.
Eventually midnight came and Edward was still alone. Then, after the twelfth stroke, figures began appearing out of the mist (or fog, whatever floats your boat).
"Oh, there you all are," Edward said in that effeminate way that he does, "did you all come to tell me how thparkly awthome I am?"
"No," the haughty, regal voice of (inner) Moka Akayashi from Rosario + Vampire said, "we've come to make you learn your place!" She swiftly kicks him across his head and he goes flying into a tree.
"You've been giving us other vampires a bad name," Angel (from both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and his self-titled spinoff) said, anger raking through his voice. "You have to die."
"But I've done so much for us," Edward pleaded in a very pathetic manner, "Vampires are more popular than ever before, people love us!"
"That is Why you must die." the grandaddy of all vampires, Count Dracula himself, sneered. "Vampires are creatures of the night! We should be feared, not loved. Women should tremble and children should cry at the mere thought of us! But you, you have defiled our legacy in the vilest ways possible; you are tender to humans, refuse their blood for that of small animals, you try to model your life after theirs. You even have the dysfunction to walk in the sun, and worst of all..."
"YOU FUCKING SPARKLE!" the entire crowd yelled.
"You're even worse than the Count Von Count," Kaname from Vampire Knight said.
(Meanwhile, on 123 Sesame Street...)
"Achoo!" sneezed the Count. "One Sneeze, ah ah ah!"
(Anywho...)
"B-b-b-but," Edward stammered, "I'm what every girl dreams of, I'm a soft pillow of love in the night, I'm Sparkly!"
Sweatdrops all around.
"You Earthers call this a Vampire?" Todd the Wraith from Stargate Atlantis asked. "I've seen infants more dangerous than this thing."
"Is he even a real vampire?" Edward asked no one in particular.
"More so than you are," Alucard from the Castlevania series pointed out.
"Now, you die!" Dracula commanded, lunging at the poor, insignificant excuse for a nightlight.
And just like that, all the assembled Vampires fell upon Edward and began tearing him limb from limb in their own special ways.
Angel drove a steak through his heart, sending fountains of blood squirting out.
Inner Moka delivered a kick to his head that completely shattered it.
Alucard used his sword to separate Edward's limbs from his body.
Kaname clawed at whatever other extremities he could, soon leaving Edward more red then the pasty white/salmon color he was before.
Todd sucked whatever life he could out of Edward, then gave it all back when he thought it tasted strange. This was good, however, because it set him up for...
Count Dracula, who grabbed his shattered head and yanked it from his broken body, spine and all (Mortal Kombat style).
Satisfied that the pretend vampire was utterly destroyed, the group began to melt back into the fog (or mist) and headed back to their own cities and the like.
The moral of this story; If you mess with perfection, be prepared for dire retributions from all those who weren't smoking weed when they decided to write a teen romance.
52 - ...And us as well!
As Edward was trimming his lawn with safety scissors (because he wasn't grown up enough to use a lawnmower), he looked up to see an ocean of men almost as big as his throng of mindless tween girls was.
"Hello there," he addressed the mob, "can I help you?"
"We are the Disgruntled Boyfriends of the World," their leader says. "And we've come for you, Edward Cullen."
"Really?" Edward asks, becoming increasingly giddy. He never really liked the fangirl anyway and a chance to mingle with his favoured gender excited him.
"Yes," another member of the coalition says, "we've tolerated you for long enough, but not it is time for you to pay!"
"Sure thing," Edward says as he takes out his wallet, completely missing the point, "how much?"
"We want our girlfriends back, man!" a third voice said from somewhere in the crowd. "Ever since they read that godawful book you came from, they just keep telling us how much they wish we were more pasty skinned."
"Or more effeminate."
"Or stared at them in their sleep more."
"Or had gay, sparkly skin like you do."
"We've had enough!" the leader said again. He held up what appeared to be a can of generic soda, "So from all of us to you, Edward Cullen, drink up!"
"OK!" the false vampire said, taking the soda can and downing it in one swift gulp. The leader pulled out a radio.
"OK Charlie," he said into the radio, "Let 'er rip!"
"Rodger that,"a voice said over the radio. A moment later, an arrow embedded itself into Edward's chest. For a moment he thought nothing of it, until (you're already way ahead of me by now, right?) it sparked to life and ignited the Nitro Glycerin that he just drank.
Eventually, the property fell into decay becasue A.) nobody wanted to buy a house with such a disgusting corpse out front, and B.) nobody wanted to go a hundred feet of said corpse to remove it in the first place.
53 - Divine Judgement.
One clear summer day Gayward was just walking down the road when he was struck by lighting and disintegrated.
Apparently, God doesn't like Twilight any more than any halfway sane person with half a brain.
54 - Over-the-top Gameshow
Edward was so lucky; he'd actually been chosen to be a game show he'd signed up for at the request of some of his fashion conscious sheep. He hadn't bothered finding out what the show was actually about (because he's just a tool like that), so he was a bit surprised to find out that it took place in Japan.
As he got off the plane he was immediately glomped by the Asian chapter of his brain dead followers. By the time he pried himself away from the hive entity, he was already five hours late for the show. No matter, he thought, I'll just go there tomorrow.
The next day he actually made it to the studio on time (despite getting hopelessly lost outside his hotel room for about five seconds that morning). When the show started and his name was called out, he squeed like the little schoolgirl he is and skipped onto the stage where he was told that he had to walk across a tightrope... over a pool of acid... with rocks tied to his arms...and dodge fireballs. All in a thong.
Needless to says, he didn't even get three steps before he lost his balance and fell into the acid.
Soon after the show was globalized.
55 - Too well done
Edward was throwing a barbecue and got impatient for the grill to light, so got every flammable liquid he could get his sparkly girlish hands on (lighter fluid, gasoline (or petrol), napalm, and beer, just to name a few) and poured them all onto the grill and lit it.
Instant Edward flambé. (You know that's right!)
56 - Divine Judgement II
Edward was walking along one day when a giant meteor crashed down where he was standing, killing him instantly.
Surprisingly, nothing else was harmed (except for a wayward Justine Beaver fan who happened to be standing too close to Edward at the time).
57 - BOOM! Headshot!
Edward was out in his garden one day, wishing that he bought red roses instead of white ones (you already waaaaay ahead of me with this, right?).
Unbeknownst to him, a kid down the road just got a new, fully functioning Longshot sniper rifle from Gears of War. Feeling the need to try it out, the boy looked down the scope and pulled the trigger on the first obvious target he saw.
Now Edward had red roses.
58 - Chainsaw lubricant
The kid from #57 howled with delight as he opened the package of his new Lancer (also from Gears of War), now with working chainsaw!
Looking for something to try it own, he suddenly spies Edward in front of his mailbox and runs towards him. Just as Edward turns around the boy brings down the Lancer across his torso, neatly cleaving it in a diagonal cut from shoulder to waist.
Unfortunately, Edward's shiny gay blood causes the Lancer's chainsaw to rust and become usuless, prompting the kid to send out for another weapon...
59 - Ur hed asplode!
...Which promptly arrives two weeks later. This time it's an Offical Gears of War working Torque Bow. (You see a pattern here?)
Better to stick with ranged weapons, the boy thought, they won't rust as easily.
Spying Edward trying in vain to pull his front door open (it clearly says "push", idiot), he charges up the Bow and lets a bolt fly. The bolt lodged itself in Edward's skull and exploded four seconds later, taking the head and that hated face with it.
60 - OW!
Again, the same boy sees Edward a week later, sunning himself on his front lawn. Fed up with that sparkly faggot vampire the boy leaps over the fence, runs up to Edward, and curb stomps the bastard's head.
Be very jealous. (And don't even think about trying to denying it, you all know you wanted to.)
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Well, there you have it. I don't own anything that you might recognize, or most of the stuff you don't.
Anyways, whoever might be reading this story, PLEASE refer it to other Twilight haters. I mean come on, how are we going desensitize the world to the utter abomination that is Twilight if we don't band together?
He's exactly right! Now I'll be taking the reins next chapter but if you have any more ideas, I'm open to suggestions. Now review already! Do it, do it!