It is a bright new day. We see the camp from a guard tower's point of view. In the tower a Hydra guard is watching the camp with a pair of binoculars. Next to him is a machine gun…and a little Christmas tree. Jamie narrates.
"So it got to be Christmas Day in Esuohdam 17. If you ask me it was more like the Fourth of July with all the fireworks that were to go off all at once, and bust the camp wide open. It sure started off innocently enough, with a party going on in every barracks…"
Inside the barrack are decorations: cut-out paper wreaths and bells, strings of ping-pong balls, and the words "Merry Xmas". At one end is a table with the phonograph playing "I Love You". A few guys are dancing with each other: Sam and Todd, Alex and Piotr. At the table Lance is strumming a bass fiddle string attached to a bucket, Scott is playing on a washboard with a brush, and Bobby is playing a pair of spoons.
Also at the table Pyro is singing into a makeshift mike: a stick with a tin can on top. "I love you, I love you! Is all that I can say! I love you, I love you! The same old words I'm saying in the same old way! I love you, I love you! Three words that are divine! And now my dear I'm waiting to hear the words that make you mine!"
Jamie is sitting on the footlocker against the wall, bopping his head to the music. Remy is sitting in his bunk watching Scott
Todd is dancing up a storm with Sam. Ray taps Sam to cut in. Todd holds out his arms, but Sam dances off with Ray. Todd looks over at Fred.
Fred is lying in his bunk, silently crying and drinking cider from a jar. He is staring at pictures of Jean all around his bunk.
Todd walks up to him. "Come on, Freddy. Let's trip the light fantastic!"
"Let me alone," Fred mumbles.
Todd looks up at one of the pictures, then back at Fred. "Eh, you don't want to cry over a dame that doesn't even know you're alive. Snap out of it!"
Fred shakes his head. "There's a time in every guy's life when he wants to be left alone. So go away!" He pushes Todd away, then takes a bottle of sparkling grape juice, salutes the picture, and drinks straight from the bottle.
Back on the dance floor Todd tries to cut in to dance but no one lets him. He goes over to a bunk and picks up a red cap. He takes a red scarf and stuffs it around and under the cap, like hair. He claps his hands. "All right, boys, who wants the Queen of the May?"
He spies Kurt and sides up to him. "How about you, handsome?"
"That is wrong on so many levels," Scott groans.
Todd brushes his red "hair" at Kurt who looks highly disturbed at Todd's behavior. "You look like Cary Grant. You wanna dance with me?"
Kurt steps away and impersonates Grant. "Well, I'd love to queenie, but well, one of the other girls asked me first!" Kurt pinches Todd's cheek and backs away. "Bye darling." He turns and stops from hitting a ping-pong string. Kurt side steps it and waves at Todd. "Bye." He runs away extremely disturbed.
Remy is still in his bunk, always watching Scott. He calls to Jamie over his shoulder. "Any tootsie rolls left, Jamie?"
Jamie stops bobbing his head and glares at Remy. Remy notices the lack of response and looks at him. "Come on, Jamie. Get me a tootsie roll."
Jamie doesn't move. Remy gets up and sits next to him while he gets a tootsie roll. Jamie shields away slightly. "What's the matter? You on their team now? You think I'm the guy?"
Jamie shakes his head in confusion. "I don't know what to think anymore."
Remy bites into his tootsie roll. "I understand how you feel. Sort of rough; one mutant squealing on other mutants. Then again, Jamie…maybe that stoolie's not a mutant at all. Maybe he's a operative the Snakes planted in this barracks."
Jamie takes interest and looks at Remy. Remy glances at him. "They do that sometimes. Just put an agent in with us. A trained specialist. Lots of loose information floating around a prison camp. Not just whether somebody's trying to escape, but what outfit we were with…where we were stationed…how our powers operate. Could be, couldn't it?"
"In this barracks?" Jamie asks, wide eyed.
"Why not?" Remy gestures. "Just one of the guys. Sharing our bunks. Eating our chow. Right in amongst the ones that beat me up. Except he beat hardest."
"Who is it?" Jamie whispers anxiously.
Remy waves him off. "That's not the point, Jamie. The point is what do you do with him? You tip your mitt and the Snakes pull him out of here and plant him someplace else, like Esuohdam 16 or 15. Or you kill him off…and the Snakes turn around and kill off the whole barracks. Every one of us. So what do you do?"
Jamie looks around at the guys "Who is it? If you don't w-want to tell me, why don't you tell Logan or Security?"
Remy sits in thought. "Yeah. Security." He and Jamie look over at Scott. The music has just stopped and the guys clap and cheer.
Lance is looking at his watch. "What's keeping Logan? Why don't we get any news about Warren?
"He'll be back. They got no proof," Scott assures, smiling.
Todd comes over and sits on the table in a pose. "Come on boys. Soft and sweet. Beguile me." He tosses his "hair" and smiles. The guys start playing a slow tune.
Fred is still in his bunk, crying. He looks over and sees Todd sitting on the table, listening to the music, smiling. He is in an identical pose to the one Jean is in the picture. Fred blinks, sits up and looks at his picture of Jean. Then he looks back at Todd.
We see through Fred's eyes and see the photo of Jean superimposed in the same size over Todd.
"WAIT A MINITE!" Jean comes out. "ARE YOU SAYING THAT TOAD LOOKS LIKE ME?!"
What, of course not! I would never do that!
"IT SURE LOOKS LIKE IT!" Jean yells.
Despite what is being suggested I would never think of hinting at anything of the sort.
"You'd better not," Jean grumbles.
I am suggesting that you look like Toad.
"WHAT?!" Jean turns with a twitch in her eye.
"Aren't you glad you weren't chosen for that role," Rogue asks Kitty.
"Oh yeah," Kitty stares at a furious Jean.
"Man, that is so going to give me nightmares," Lance groans.
"I think Jean is about to make some nightmares," Kurt indicates Jean who is about to snap and kill someone.
"DIE! DIE! DIE!" Jean screams.
Uh-oh. Keep going with the parody. I'll be back as soon as I can! (Runs off with Jean close behind screaming bloody murder.)
Fred blinks his eyes, staring. He smiles wide in delirious happiness. "Jean!...Jean!" He climbs out of his bunk and walks toward Todd in a trance. "Jean!...Jean!"
He reaches the table, taps Todd on the shoulder, and bows "May I have this dance, Miss?"
"Why, sure!" Todd gets off the table and they dance off.
Fred has his eyes closed. "Pinch me, darling. Pinch me so that I know I'm not dreaming." Todd looks at Fred funny and pinches him on the cheek.
Fred smiles. "Thank you, darling." He puts Todd's head in his shoulder and sings, "I love you, I love you! Three words that are divine! And now my dear I'm waiting to hear the words that make you mine!" He turns around dancing and we see Todd with a "What have I done!" look on his face, lost in Fred's embrace.
Fred is lost in his own little world. "Did anybody ever tell ya, ya have the most beautiful legs in the world?"
Todd gets shocked, looks down at his legs, then at Fred.
Fred continues. "But it's not just ya legs. I'm crazy about that little nose of yours. That cute little button of a nose!"
Todd looks up and feels his nose. He starts to figure out what's going on. "Hey, Freddy! Freddy!"
Fred doesn't hear him. "I've been crazy about you for years. I've seen every picture you've ever made, six times! I'd just sit there, watching. I wouldn't even open up the popcorn bag."
Todd starts to lightly slap Fred's face. "Freddy! Freddy! Wake up!"
Fred takes Todd's hand and feels it. "Jean! Jean!"
Todd slaps him hard. Fred stops dancing, coming out of his delusional state. He looks at Todd. "Freddy this is me, Todd Tolensky."
Fred continues to stare, not yet understanding. Todd whips off his cap with the scarf. "Todd Tolensky!"
Fred stares at him, the truth finally dawning on him. "Toad!" He starts bawling. "Toad!" Fred walks away, crying his eyes out. Todd looks down at his cap, then throws it away.
Logan, Pietro and Façade enter the barracks. Logan shouts to the guys at the table. "Cut the music! Cut the music! Cut it!"
"At ease! At ease!" Pietro shouts. "Somebody cover the doors."
Logan checks to make sure some guys are at the doors then addresses the barrack. "Now listen. The FOH men are here to pick up Wings. They're taking him to Headquarters. They got the proof and it looks like he's finished."
"Only he's not quite finished yet," Pietro says. "I have figured out a long shot…"
SNIKT! Logan glares at Pietro.
"Uh, I mean," Pietro gulps. "Logan and I have figured out a long shot. We got all the other barracks behind us."
"What are you going to do?' Scott asks.
Logan retracts his claws and ignores him. "Havok, get that smudge pot. Tie it to Façade's leg."
Alex and Façade go over to another table and start to put the can of smoke-powder up Façade's empty pants' leg.
Logan continues. "Now I want everybody out of here. We'll need a lot of commotion out on the compound."
"I'll get the guys from the other barracks," Pietro says.
Scott grabs Logan's shoulder. "You don't think you can snatch Warren? Not from the FOH?"
"We're sure going to make a stab at it," Logan replies. He looks around. "Avalanche, Cyclops, Blob, Toad, meet at the north latrine. You'll all get your posts. Now everybody start drifting out, one by one."
The guys start to leave the barrack. Todd hands Fred his jacket and they follow everyone out. Pietro stands near the door controlling the flow of guys. "Easy, guys, easy. Disperse out there nicely, and always remember, just because the Snakes are dumb that doesn't mean they're stupid."
Pietro leaves with the last few guys. Logan and Lance go over to the table where Alex and Façade are finishing up. "Ready?" Logan asks.
"Roger," Alex replies.
"Okay. Move out," Logan nods. Alex and Façade leave.
Scott comes over to Logan. "I don't know what your scheme is, but it sounds crazy to me."
"It may be crazy, but it's better than having Wings dead," Logan says.
Scott shrugs. "I guess you're right. How about me going out and keeping Omega Red off balance?"
"Good," Logan agrees.
Remy cuts in where he and Jamie have been watching the exchange. "I wouldn't worry about Omega Red, I'd worry about Remy." Remy and Jamie come over. Remy points to himself. "Remember me? I'm the stoolie."
"You ain't going to squeal this one brother," Lance grunts.
"No?" Remy gives him a look. "Aren't you a little afraid to turn the stoolie loose on that compound? For a tip-off like this, you know what the Snakes would pay?"
"You're gonna stay here in the barracks Gumbo, and not a peep out of ya!" Logan says.
Remy shrugs. "Okay, then. Put a guard on me. I want you to put a guard on me. Because if anything goes wrong out there, this time you won't have a patsy. Right?"
"Right," Logan agrees.
"So who's gonna watch me? Jamie?" Remy indicates over his shoulder. "Na, not Jamie. Wouldn't you feel safer with Security on the job?" Scott and Remy look at each other.
"Okay, One-Eye. You stay here," Logan says.
Scott looks at Logan and protests. "What about Omega Red?"
"We'll take care of Omega Red," Logan says and glances at Lance. "Come on." He then points to Jamie. "You too."
The three of them leave the barrack and shut the door, leaving Scott and Remy. Scott looks over at Remy, annoyed.
We hear some weird sounds that we know to be from Caliban's ocarina. Caliban is sitting in his bunk, playing. Remy walks over to him. "That's the boy, Caliban. Play us a little something. What do you want to hear, Scott? 'Home On The Range'? Or maybe a little Wagner?"
"What?" Kurt asks.
"Not you," Todd says.
Scott doesn't respond.
"Or ah, how about a game of pinochle?" Remy walks over to the table with the chessboard.
No response.
Remy shakes his head. "No, you're not a pinochle man. You're a chess player." Scott looks at him.
Remy looks down at the board. "I never knew much about the game. Now, let's see…" He starts playing with the pieces. "Pawn moves this way…and a bishop moves this way…and the queen moves," Remy picks up the black queen. "…every which way, doesn't it?"
"Suppose you just sit down and keep your mouth shut!" Scott turns and snaps.
Remy puts the black queen down and starts walking down the barrack, thinking aloud. "I went to school with a guy named Scott. But that was in New York. You're from Missouri, aren't you."
"Yeah, I'm from Missouri."
"I thought that's what you said. You're from Missouri. And you were with the, uh Thirty-sixth X-Men Team?"
"Thirty-fifth."
"The Three hundred and sixty-sixth X-Men Squadron? Out of Bayville?"
"Are you questioning me?" Scott demands.
"Just getting acquainted," Remy replies calmly. He starts to walk over to his bunk. "I'd like to make one friend in this barracks."
"Well don't bother, Remy. I don't like you. I never did and I never will!"
Remy looks at Scott. "A lot of people say that and the first thing you know is they get married, and live happily ever after."
"Hey, that means there's hope for Lance and Kitty yet!" Pietro quips.
"And me and Wanda!" Todd beams.
"Don't count on it!" Wanda scowls.
Remy goes over to a window and looks out. "I wonder what they're trying to pull out there?"
Out in the compound all the mutants are casually mingling around. There's a car parked in front of the Administration Building with a FOH guard nearby. Todd and Fred are standing by the car, Lance is leaning against the flagpole, and Logan is on the porch of the Administration Building reading the bulletin board. Only he isn't reading it. Logan casually steps back and peeks through the window into Kelly's office. He then casually throws one end of his scarf over his shoulder.
Lance sees him and looks at Todd and Fred, throwing his scarf over his shoulder. At the car Todd does the same.
Pietro is leaning against the latrine, sees Todd and raps the side of the latrine four times.
Inside Facade is sitting on the water trough with Alex and Kurt standing by. When they hear the raps Alex bends down, lights a match, and then lights the fuse on the smudge pot. He pulls down the pants' leg then he and Kurt help Façade off the water trough. Façade then walks out into the compound with a slight wisp of smoke coming from his leg.
From the Administration Building two FOH men come out leading Warren between them. Logan, still standing at the bulletin board, whistles a few bars of "Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall" getting Warren's attention. Warren turns, realizing something is up. The FOH men take his arms and lead him to the car. Warren carefully looks around.
Façade is walking over to the car. Lance and Fred notice and tense up, getting ready to move.
Façade walks right next to Todd and Fred at the car just before the FOH men and Warren reach it. He releases a string in his hand and the smudge pot drops to the ground as he continues on. A second later it hisses and smoke starts pouring out.
The smoke starts to cover the car, FOH men and Warren. Lance, Todd, Fred, Alex, Kurt, Pietro and Logan move into the smoke, with the rest of the mutants coming in from all sides. They jump the FOH men before the smoke conceals them. Shouts are heard from the FOH men and the guards nearby. In the guard towers the guards ready their machine guns, but don't risk shooting into the smoke.
From the Administration Building runs out Kelly, Omega Red, and two officers. They run into the smoke cloud as Kelly stands on the porch.