Just a little warning. A bit of mention of God but nothing major.
Ginoza
I can't sleep but I'm so tired, I feel heavy and yet light. This state is so hard to explain and even harder to understand myself. The night was long as I watched dad sleep in the chair, getting woken up every few hours by the nurses that came to check up on me and to change the serum pouch. I'm glad that he's here, I don't feel so alone but it also hurts to see him this way… I'm a terrible son in every possible way, I've been so rude and disrespectful towards him but he never distanced himself from me. Everything I threw in his face he took it all without ever raising a voice at me of disapproval…
If I'm really the one who decides if I live or die is it selfish for wanting it to end? I'm so tired of everything, if I wake up everything will go back as it is. I will heal in the hospital ward for a few days, maybe a few weeks and then I will be sent home to recuperate. There won't be anyone there to greet me, no one to come by or call… I'll be completely alone in my empty home.
After studying so hard I finally became an inspector but it didn't change anything, people who knew me back then still only see me as a latent criminal's son. I'm nothing more than trash in this society whose fate to become a dog is only a matter of time. All of that late night studying, all the cases I was given that I solved and the innocent victims that I couldn't save and the ones that I did, all of that all came to nothing to the eyes of society. No matter what I do, I'll never be good enough so what's the point of even trying anymore.
What comes after, it's the unknown that scares me the most. It's the answer to the question that people have asked themselves since the beginning of time but no right answers can ever be given; only theories can be made and the rest you just hope for the best. Some say once you die you go to heaven, others say that only if you are saved by the words of god can you go to heaven. If you chose not to believe and be saved by the words of god then you will go to hell and suffer for all eternity while others say that there is no heaven or hell and that when you die then it is completely over. Others believe that when you die you are reborn as another being and the cycle continues, never remembering who you were in your past life.
I don't know what to believe anymore, I never thought I'd ever find myself in this position, in this state. Mom had her beliefs but I pushed that all aside after dad was taken from us, there's no way that the god mom spoke of would ever destroy our family that way. All the pain we've endured, I just couldn't accept that was god's will but mom never lost faith, even when her health got worse and rapidly declined she stayed firm in her beliefs and then she died. Right then I told myself if there really was a god, I would hate him with all my heart for allowing everything to be taken from me. Is this now a message from it, further punishing me for all the hatred I've given it during the years? If so why doesn't it just kill me already instead of making me suffer, I always have to watch those around me crumble and I can't ever do anything to make it all better. Mom… Grandfather… Now dad… I don't want to watch anyone crumble anymore, I've had my share it should be enough.
God if you're really real then I'm sorry is that what you want from me? I'm sorry! Just stop torturing me and just end it already! I always put everyone's needs before my own, cared for others before caring for myself so why do I have to suffer like this?
The rapid beeping of the monitors catches my attention, taking me out of my thoughts as I watch dad jump to his feet all alarmed and worried. Not long after, maybe a few minutes or less two nurses come in as my heart beat goes flat. The dark haired nurse quickly runs out of the room as the other one starts doing compresses to my chest until the doctor arrives with the dark haired nurse with a defibrillator and waste no time opening my shirt and starts sending waves of electricity through my body.
Dad backed away in the corner of the room to give space so the nurses and doctor so they could work freely without him being in the way but I've never seen him so afraid. In all my years of working as an inspector, I've had some very dangerous cases and some were close calls but he was never afraid or worried even. If he was he never showed it but right now all I can see in his face is fear and that just bothers me, it's not how I knew him. Just seeing another side to dad like that, it's not something he meant for me to see…
"We got a pulse!" The dark haired nurse states accompanied by relief in everyone's face as the doctor puts the defibrillator away in the corner near my bed in case they need it back… Just in case, more like probably.
"You sure are giving us a workout." The doctor tells me before checking the readings on the monitors and then leaves the nurses to continue their work.
"Why did his heart stop?" Dad's voice kills the odd silence in the room. Only the dark haired nursed acknowledged dad's question, the other simply acts as if she didn't hear him.
"It often happens with these types of cases. It's probably just that he wasn't getting enough oxygen so we'll turn it up a bit and see what happens." She answers in a soft tone to help reassure dad that everything was alright. The other nurse just rolled her eyes as she left the room, not even bothering asking her colleague if she needed help with anything. Just terrible and to think that when our enforcers get injured it's nurses like her that takes care of them, clearly she didn't even care to simply answer an enforcer who was worried about someone else. She must be aware about what kind of relationship we have and yet she can't give him any respect… Not that I have any rights to talk about that, I haven't been the nicest person when it comes to our enforcers but I never wished any harm to come to any of them. When we go out on a case I always advise them to use extreme caution, as an inspector I should only worry about my own safety and the safety of my partner. Inspectors are not so easily replaced while enforcers are but I can't do it, even if they are considered society's garbage I don't want to find any of them dead…
"Is there anything I could do for you?" Her question was cheerful but dad answered no and she left the room.
The sounds of the monitors are the only thing that fills the room along with the clock on the wall. I get closer to the monitors to check the readings, seems everything is back to normal… I didn't lack oxygen back there didn't I…? My heart stopped because that's what I wanted, dad said that it was okay if I wanted to go but when my heart stopped I got scared. If I really want to end this, it won't be sudden will it. I will have to see dad watching me die while the nurses and doctor tries to bring me back without success and I'll have to see dad's face full of fear again. I don't want anyone around; I don't want to have to look into their faces when I go.
I don't know what is worst, having dead silence or having to hear constantly the same sound over and over again. Just sitting in the corner of the room starring at the clock, five minutes has past and then fifteen and look at that almost an hour now. For some reason it feels like time is passing by quickly or maybe I'm starting to lose the feel of reality and everything is just spiralling out of control in this state.
This morning there's a lot of vogue coming in and out of the room, it's really annoying. After a while I just decided to ignore them and how surprising that how I'm feeling is being shown on my body. My blood pressure dropped and then went back up to my heart beating faster and then dropping low and back to normal. During that time Kagari stopped by but he didn't stay long and short after Shion came by to see how I was doing, she talked with dad about how I'm not doing too good from what the doctor told dad earlier. I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of living in this empty world, I just want to end it and all I want is to be left alone but dad refuses to leave. Shion offered to have coffee with him down at the lobby but he refused, preferring to stay here with me.
After Shion left the room fell quiet again, well the normal quiet that is for this room. Dad looks so tired as he's just sitting in the chair he's been all night. Why does he have to do this to himself, the doctor already said that I wasn't doing well and Shion didn't just offer him to have coffee with her just for the fun of it. With her believing that I can hear what's going on around me, she probably doesn't want me to hear what she has to tell dad… Not that she's wrong, I can hear all and see everything but I wish I didn't see, things would be easier if I didn't have to see everyone…
The sound of the door opening catches my attention as Kougami enters the room, waking up dad from his light sleep. "Pops, I'll keep watch for a while." He tells dad. He doesn't say anything, just nods as he gets up and walks out of the room but I'm still not alone…
Kou turns his attention to me when the door closes and he just stands there staring at me for a few minutes before taking a seat. Just like before he looks at me like I'm some sort of creature lying on the bed and he's afraid that it's going to jump up at any moment. Yeah I get it, it's hard for me to look at myself, I have so many tubes sticking in me that I almost don't even look human.
"Gino… I don't know if you can hear me…" His voice takes me by surprise. I didn't expect him to say anything just like the other time. He looks like a beaten puppy that got abandoned after its owner whipped it. He looks terrible, definitely not the Kougami that I know.
"I know you've had a hard life and I know that you don't have anyone to go home to but please Gino you can't go, not like this…" He stands up as he spoke, coming closer to my body taking my hand in his, tightening his grip.
I don't want to hear it, please don't Kougami. Don't make me feel worse than I already am. Please just let me go, of all people you should understand. I don't have anything left and just like you once said about this society that we live in, there is no freedom. Everything is just shoved down our throats, everything already decided for us so please Kougami just give me the freedom to let me go in peace.
"I let you down when I became a latent criminal and in the end I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most and I'm so sorry." It's the first time I've ever seen Kou like this, actually he looks like he's on the verge of tears. If there's someone to blame for your demotion Kougami, it's me. As your partner I failed to stop you, the Specimen Case took a piece out of all of us… If it would have been dad that had ended up like Sasayama I think I would have down spiraled just like you did… Who knows maybe we both would have ended up in the dog pound together…? The decision I took that caused me to be like this, it was my own doing and not yours Kougami so please stop blaming yourself for my stupid mistakes!
"Gino you have to stay. The only reason why I was able to bare being an enforcer was because I could still be with you; I was still able to watch your back and that was okay with me. You're my best friend, I know you're sick and tired but I need you to stay." His voice is starting to crack by the end as he lets go of my hand and he just paces around the room. He's trying hard not to lose it and it's just not fair, dad said that I don't have to fight anymore but if I go you'll blame yourself for it. Kou why can't you just accept that it's over… Why do I even ask that, why would I even think that you would take my condition and even my death any differently than with Sasayama…?
"You can't die, if you really can hear me Gino please stay and wake up." He adds, coming back next to me taking a hold of my hand again. I'm so tired, I don't want to anymore… I can do it now and it will be all over, it's obvious that I won't ever be left alone so I won't be spared from the looks of anyone's face, not dad's or Kou's… Everything is just so draining as I suddenly feel heavier; my vision is getting blurry and darkening and all I feel is warmth…
Review, tell me what you guys think and toodles.