AN: Hey guys, this one took me a while to write, but hopefully it's worth the wait. This chapter is the most M so far... maybe less so than other fics because of my admiration for a good ol' euphemism. My beloved (to me at least) versions of these characters wouldn't be who they are without their anxiety-riddled inner dialogue, so hopefully you're all into that! As always, reviews are much appreciated (as in I live from review to review), and I don't own any of these lovely characters. Enjoy!
Ep. 6 - A Borrowed Nerve
The first few hours on New Devon passed quietly; Cassian and K-2 took inventory of the ship and otherwise made sure the craft was properly settled. Meanwhile, Jyn had taken to sitting in the cockpit, half-curled up in the pilot seat. Through the swirling grey dust, she could faintly make out the bustling movement of people, trudging through the storm outside. She figured that the gale must be common, as it didn't seem to impede the inhabitants of the little outpost from doing their day-to-day activities.
Her mind began to wander, retracing the last few days and all they had held. The beaten-up ship with its equally battered crew, their narrow escape from the Empire, the nights of cards and camaraderie, hidden scars and unexpected kisses. All these memories flooded through Jyn's head, leaving her confused and flustered. Her fingers absentmindedly played over the scar on her wrist, tracing the raised edge.
As the light from the twin suns began to fade, the visibility outside decreased further, until Jyn could no longer make out the movement of people or the edges of the buildings mere meters from the ship. She sighed, leaning back in the seat and closing her eyes, almost comfortable.
Cassian paused at the door of the cockpit, his heart flip-flopping at the sight of Jyn curled up in the pilot chair. His chair, a part of him seemed to say, but he quickly suffocated the desire he was beginning to feel. He cleared his throat by way of announcing his presence, and Jyn's eyes blinked open in response.
"We're going," he cleared his throat, trying to rid his voice of its unwanted huskiness. "We're going to take advantage of being planet-side," he continued, his voice still low and lilting. "Check out the local cantina and see if there's any sort of warmth for the Alliance around here."
Cassian turned to leave, trying fruitlessly to clear his throat. He was beginning to suspect that the timbre of his voice had less to do with any affliction, and more to do with the unwanted effect Jyn seemed to have on him.
"Is that an invitation?" Jyn called after him, half-trying to re-establish their old banter, and half-genuinely asking.
Cassian paused in the doorway, turning his head slightly.
"As much of one as you're going to get," he answered gruffly, leaving the bridge without checking to see if Jyn was following him.
After grinning to herself, Jyn quickly rose from the pilot's chair, bashing her elbow as she did. Swearing mildly, she followed the blushing captain down into the loading bay.
K-2 was waiting by the outer hull doors, looking about as resigned as a droid could look. Jyn was struck again by how human-like the hulking robot was, not only verbally, but also in his mannerisms.
"I don't see why we have to leave the ship," the droid intoned petulantly, "you know half the people out there want to sell me for parts." K-2 managed an excellent impression of a pout, gazing wearily out into the dust storm. Cassian only rolled his eyes, used to the bothersome droid.
"Don't worry Kay-tue," Jyn said, barely managing to keep from laughing, "I'll scare away all the mean humans." She patted him reassuringly – and, unbeknownst to him, mockingly – on the arm.
Looking slightly placated, K-2 made his way out of the ship into the tempest outside. Jyn quickly followed, gripping the hand of the droid so as not to get lost in the swirling dust. After a few moments, she felt a warm hand encircling her arm and turned to see Cassian behind her, eyes squinted against the storm.
They proceeded as such, clutching one-another, until the shining metal of storefronts appeared before them. Moving half-blindly from shop to shop, they finally reached a squat building that was advertising all sorts of intoxicants, and made their way inside.
The bar was half-full, with an assortment of people seated around circular tables or atop bar stools. A man with iridescent skin was flipping and shaking containers of molten-looking liquid behind a wooden bar. In comparison to the grimy patrons, the bartender seemed other-worldly, like he didn't quite fit on this hole-in-the wall planet
Jyn, Cassian and K-2 garnered a few sidelong glances, but they were soon forgotten as the downtrodden customers returned to their drinks. They slid into a circular booth in a corner, tucked away from the rest of the bar. The pressing of a few buttons led to a couple of glasses filled with a rich amber liquid being brought to their table by a small serving droid. K-2 glared contemptuously at the little robot, disdain evident in his metallic features.
Hours slipped by in a hazy manner as the serving droid brought round after round of foul-tasting liquor to their table. Uncaring of the bitter flavour, Jyn and Cassian continued to drink, ignoring the complaints of K-2 concerning the recklessness of intoxication. After a long period of uncomfortable silence broken by awkward attempts at conversation, K-2 left to go back to the ship, grumbling about the probability of a grungy New Devoner kidnapping him.
The alcohol was slowly stripping Jyn of her inhibitions, and she found her eyes lingering on the hollow of Cassian's throat, the gape in his worn shirt, the curve of his mouth. She had the faint sense that her glances were bordering on lascivious, but she found she didn't care. He was smoking a long pipe, blowing rings absentmindedly, lost in thought. Studying his face, his gaze turned distinctly away from her, she observed the tense set of his jaw.
"Kay-tue was better company," she smirked into the bottom of her glass, resisting the pervasive urge to giggle.
Cassian's eyes flickered to her face, a weary smile threatening to reveal itself, glad that Jyn had broken the silence between them. He couldn't help but notice the way her shirt – his shirt – parted just below her clavicle.
She doesn't want you, he thought, finding it increasingly difficult to convince himself with each half-lidded glance she sent him.
"Not half as pretty, though," he quipped, wincing internally at how husky his voice had become. He could swear her eyes flitted across his form before returning to his face. Every damn nerve in his body felt charged.
"Maybe not…" Jyn softly conceded, trailing off before suddenly scooting closer to him. "Show me?" She asked glancing towards the pipe, forgotten in his hand.
After a confused second Cassian realized she was asking him to teach her how to blow a smoke ring. The alcohol did nothing to damper the tension he felt as she sat mere inches from his side. He passed the pipe over to her, surprise rendering him silent. On Fest, pipe smoking was as much a part of the culture as breathing, and he had faint memories of sitting at his mother's feet mesmerized by the curling tendrils of smoke.
Jyn inhaled deeply from the pipe, emboldened by liquid courage, and proceeded to violently cough for the next half-minute. After her fit subsided, she saw Cassian doubled over in gasping laughter, tears streaming from his eyes. Eyes alight with mirth and indignation, she punched him in the arm none too gently.
"Asshole, you should have warned me," she cried, hiccoughing slightly. Cassian tried to calm down, attempting a straight face before bursting into another fit of giggles, which prompted Jyn to join in.
After they had calmed, Cassian walked her through the process, his focus evident in the furrow of his brow.
"Inhale slowly," he explained patiently, and Jyn complied. After pulling in a steady breath she was hit by the sudden headiness she felt, the pipe doing nothing to detract from her giddiness. She exhaled, blowing a sweet smoke over the table.
"Okay," Cassian continued, "this time, form an 'O' shape with your mouth, and push your breath out a bit at a time." Eyes alight with focus, Jyn did as he said with little success, exhaling a shapeless mass of smoke.
"No," he said liltingly, sliding further towards her, "like this."
Cassian cupped her chin in his hands, applying a gentle pressure to the sides of her mouth, coaxing them into the shape of an 'O'.
Jyn felt her breath hitch in her chest, the room seeming to suddenly hush with anticipation. Eyes searching her face, Cassian froze, easing the pressure on her chin but keeping his hand there. She leaned into him, and he noted how it would only take the slightest of movements to press his lips to hers.
She doesn't want you, the voice in his head reminded him, and it was as if he had been doused in cold water.
Cassian abruptly let go of her chin, and started to slide out of the booth, barely glancing at Jyn as the events of the days before played on loop in his head.
"We better get back to the ship," he commented gruffly, as his long legs took him quickly away from Jyn and the temptation he felt. He didn't look back as he pushed through the door of the cantina, striding into the night outside.
Jyn remained frozen for a moment, alcohol-inhibited mind struggling to make sense of what had happened and the sudden sense of loss she felt. Quickly she rose to her feet, and with haste followed the captain out of the bar, trying to avoid stumbling.
By the time she made it to the door, she could see that Cassian was halfway to the ship. She scarcely noticed that the raging storm had ceased, revealing a beautiful night sky, as she stumbled towards their craft. She called after him but he kept quickly moving, either unable to hear her or purposely ignoring her.
Jyn closed the gap between them, entering the ship mere meters behind Cassian, trying to get his attention.
"Cassian, I…" she began, unsure what she meant to say. He stopped ahead of her, still facing away, panting not just from exertion.
Slowly, he turned on his heels, his face a confused mixture of defensive anger and desire. His eyes bore into hers, their colour indiscernible in the darkened passageway of the ship.
One moment there was space between them and the next there wasn't as Jyn threw herself at Cassian. The force of her movement caused him to take a step backwards, back pressing against the passage wall. Her lips pressed to his, inexperience more than made up for in passion as she cupped his face, one hand sliding into his hair. After a shocked moment, he responded in kind, fervently kissing her back as his arms slid around her waist.
With no conversation other than the sound of their ragged breathing, Cassian gripped Jyn by the hand and pulled her the short distance to his quarters, the door sliding shut with a muffled thud. Now that they were separated, familiar sensations of uncertainty and anxiety kept Jyn rooted to the spot. Her desire however, was no less dampened, and she gazed at him with open want.
He returned her gaze for a moment, jaw slack and eyes dark, before suddenly crouching at her feet, beginning to untie her boots. Surprised, she found the gesture overwhelmingly endearing, and her longing grew to near fever pitch. She threaded her fingers through his hair, steadying herself while satisfying her urge to touch him.
After he slid off her boots, he slowly rose from the crouch, until he stood barely an inch from her. His height necessitated the tilt of her head, raised so she could meet his gaze, eyes heavy-lidded. Cassian gently cupped her face, mouth poised a breath away from hers, as if asking permission. Following a second that could have easily been an eternity, he once again fitted his lips to hers.
There were no awkward propositions or fumbled questions as he ran his fingers down the back of her shirt – his shirt – both Cassian and Jyn at an understanding of what was about to happen. With growing fervor, his shirt was yanked from his pants, shoes toed off and promptly forgotten. With alcohol-driven nerve the buttons of her shirt – his shirt – popped open, one by one. With tempered need, the pile of clothes on the floor grew, as did the charged anticipation.
As Jyn lay on her back, staring heatedly into Cassian's eyes, she saw the mixture of longing, excitement, and nervousness she was feeling reflected on his face. She thought of the time she first saw him, brow furrowed as it so often was. She thought of the time he sang to her, embarrassed but proud. She thought of when he traced small, comforting circles on her wrist, eyes intent on hers.
And then she couldn't seem to think about anything at all.