Chapter 7
Gibbs saw the tears well in her eyes and rose from the chair. Keeping his eyes fixed on her he shrugged off his coat then jacket and laid both over the back of the chair. He could only see her profile as he moved to her, but as he neared he realized she wasn't with him, her tears ran from unblinking, unseeing eyes.
Gently he wrapped his hand around her ankle to draw her back to him. His fingers slipped around to the back of her ankle his thumb slowly caressed from the top of her foot up the slight hollow below her shin and back again the rhythmic motion a comforting consistent stroke.
At his touch her head swung down and tears propelled by gravity fell straight from her eyes to his arm. Her eyes connected with his and a jolt of alarm shot through him. The intensity of despair in her eyes was arresting against her pale emotionless face. The sight twisted in his gut and his heart rate surged knocking its beat firmly against his chest.
He closed his eyes and took a slow even breath willing his body to relax and reassert a measured rate. Years of discipline crushed the panicked rate almost immediately allowing him to focus back on helping her. When he opened his eye he found the brief break in eye contact had allowed her to retreat from him. No hiding he thought sliding his hand up her calve and squeezing lightly. The action redirected her attention to him and his hand moved back down around her ankle.
"Do you trust me Abbs?" he asked his voice steady and reassuring. She sniffed and nodded looking at him. He released her ankle for a moment and signed 'Come down and let me hold you.' He returned his hand to her ankle and waited.
She nodded her tears falling quicker blurring her eyes. Releasing her ankle he took her outstretched hand and helped her descend. She was nearly down when she began to shake. Quickly placing his foot on the bottom rung he wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her off the ladder and into his arms crushing her firmly against him.
It only took a moment of contact and she was sobbing. Her arms wrapped tightly around his neck her face pressed into the hollow of his neck and shoulder. Her feet dangled off the floor the strength of his arms and strong firm body holding her molded against him. "Ok Baby," he said scooping her under her knees and carrying over to the chair.
He sank into the large plush chair with her in his arms. She curled her body into him her knees pressing against his side. One hand dropped from around his neck to fist in the front of his shirt the other came to rest over her chest trapped between the two of them. Her body shook. The tears wouldn't stop. For weeks she had carried this alone afraid to tell anyone she might really be in trouble.
Gibbs stroked his hand through her hair. The anguish he could feel coming off her with every breath was chipping away at his well placed control. Tears blurred his vision. His arm tightened around her and his hand cupped the back of her head holding her to his chest. He rocked her. The small gently motion helping to calm them both. Abby's body grew still in his arms her grip relaxing but not releasing him.
Leaning down he kissed her forehead. Resting his cheek on the top of her head he laid his hand over her clenched fist and said, "I'm not going anywhere." He felt her hand release his shirt and he wrapped her hand in his.
"Gibbs?" she asked her voice halting with a shuddering inhalation. She didn't say anything else instead took his hand and pushed his finger into her hair at her temple.
Lifting his cheek he kissed the top of her head and began stroking through her hair. They sat in silence drawing comfort from each other. He closed his eyes and listened to the rain falling.
The hand resting against her bare back felt goosebumps break out on her. She shivered and snuggled closer to him. They were a distance from the fire and the rain soaked air was cooling the room. Pressing his forearm between her shoulder blades he held her head to him as he leaned forward a little to grab his jacket off the back of the chair. Settling back he draped it over her shoulders. She took it and curled it under her chin leaving him able to tuck the other end up under her feet. Her curled body was easily covered by his jacket and the shivering slowly faded away.
She patted his chest and whispered, "Thanks."
His thumb ran along her jaw signing, 'My girl,' before he went back to stroking through her hair. Her tears came again. It wasn't the heart wrenching sobs from earlier she was silent her body relaxed. He could feel them against his chest, which was already damp, his polo and undershirt long soaked through where her cheek lay. A short while later he felt her breathing change and her body grow heavier in his arms. A part of him wanted to shake her awake and make her tell him what the doctor said the other didn't have the heart to wake her or force her to do anything. So he pulled his body forward in the chair with his calve pressed against the front of the chair and used the same leverage to stand with her in his arms. Now he thought to find your bedroom sweet girl.
He found the switch to the light at the top of the stairs and started up. Turning at the first landing he took another three steps up to a long hallway that ran either direction from where he stood. Stepping in the hallway he took three steps down to the left and inhaled then the right following the smell of jasmine hanging lightly in the air. It was the scent of her shampoo he could smell it in her hair when he held her. The third door down stood open it was the bathroom he glanced in as he passed. At the end of the hall another door stood open, it was situated at the back of the house.
He knew this was her room when he stepped in. The tall iron headboard was familiar he'd helped her put it together and secure it to the wall because of its weight He wondered who had helped her move it and hoped whoever it was knew how to secure the weighty object.
Not at all confident in this mystery man's competency he gently set her in the oversized chair in the corner and turned to the bed with narrowed eyes and a skeptic brow. He turned the small light next to the bed on and moved the nightstand over so he could check the handy work. It took him about ten minutes of gauging the bolts and light tapping for the joist before he grudgingly had to admit whoever bolted it to the wall knew what they were doing.
He stood at the end of the bed frowning at the headboard a little annoyed she had someone else do it for her. When he realizing he was standing there brooding about it the irritation turn toward himself. He felt slightly intruded on, which he knew was ridiculous, but he couldn't shake the feeling. Running his hand over his face he looked over at Abby and sighed. Get it together Jethro. It doesn't matter who did it as long as it was done properly. You don't have any claim here so stop acting like a jealous idiot.
Right, he muttered as he rounded the bed and drew the covers back. Returning to Abby he carefully slipped his arms under her and lifted her from the chair. Holding her close he walked to the bed and gently laid her down. He waited a moment to see if she would shift on her own, but when she didn't he rolled her onto her side and drew her knees up remembering she always had nightmares lying on her back. Covering her he leaned down and kissed her temple then took the stairs back down to the living room.
He shut the window and turned to attend to the dying fire. Taking the iron poker and shovel from the holder he set them on the floor beside him and knelt pulled the grate open. Looking over the fire he picked the poker up and began to break the wood up. The fire was mostly burned out and the wood broke easily. Covering the remaining hot coals with ash he waited then stirred it identifying hot spots repeating the process until the fire was extinguished. Pulling the grate closed he returned the tools and stood up brushing his hands against each other. Switching off the phonograph he pulled the chain on the lamp and made his way back up to the second floor.
Turning into the bathroom he flicked the light on and walked to the washbasin. He turned on the water and washed his hands then splashed water on his face. Drying off he sat on the edge of the tub resting his forearms on his knees he stared down at the small black and white tiled floor towel still grasped in his hands. Raising the towel to his forehead he watched the tiles blurring together. "Shit," he whispered pressing the towel to his eyes.
He refused to allow his emotions anymore than a passing glance and sat back up scrubbing at his eyes. Inhaling slowly he tried to ignore the way his breath wavered as it filling his lungs. Calm down, he thought tossing the cloth at the washbasin, you don't even know all the facts and jumping to the worst case is not going to help either of you.
Unfortunately, the twist in his gut was trying to defy his call for reason and he lurched forward shoving the toilet seat up and depositing what was left in his stomach. Groaning he quietly closed the lid and flushed as he glanced towards the open bathroom door. Logically he knew the bathroom was far enough from the bedroom that the chance of her waking to him emptying his stomach was slim, but logic had fled him the moment Abby uttered the word cancer so he checked.
Reaching up he grabbed the towel out of the basin and wiped his mouth as he leaned his back against the cabinet. The expulsion had left him with a bad taste in his mouth, but a little more open to the reasoning side of his brain. Pulling himself up to his feet he set the towel on the counter and turned the water on. Cupping water in his palm he swished the taste of vomit nearly out of his mouth. Spitting out the last of the water he looked up into the mirror and saw the image of a long thin linen closet by the door behind him.
Washing his hands he shook them into the basin before retrieving a fresh towel from the closet. Great, he thought seeing a couple of unopened packets of toothbrushes. Drying his hands he grabbed one and returned to the basin. He set the clean towel on the counter and cracked open the toothbrush. Swinging open the medicine cabinet he grabbed the toothpaste and put a generous portion on the toothbrush and returned it to its place. Leaning on one arm he brushed his teeth staring into the mirror his mind drifting away from the habitual cleaning process to Abby.
He couldn't help comparing the women in his life since Shannon and the only constant was Abby. Always, there was Abby. She was naturally eccentric from her clothes to her furniture to her vibrant loving temperament. She knew how to handle him. He frowned spitting out the toothpaste. He ran the toothbrush under the stream of water and set it on the counter. Not handle, he thought cupping a handful of water to rinse out his mouth, she wasn't calculating. He never felt manipulated by her. Rising out the sink he turned the water off and dried his mouth and hands. She was just so… just so… right… for him; he finished the thought involuntarily his mutinous mind reasserting itself. Oh God… he though pulse rate spiking, chest tightening he knew he needed to sit down immediately. Sliding to the floor in from of the cabinet he knocked his head back against the door and pressed his palms to his eyes and moaned, "Great timing Jethro." His hands dropped into his lap. Eyes closed he knocked his head against the door a few times. "Just great," he huffed as he stood up you're in love with her.
He wondered if he should tell her before the huge fight they were going to have or after. She was going to refuse treatment he'd seen it in her eyes. His chest tightened when he realized she was a fighter she loved life and the grief he saw in her eyes… what if she wasn't refusing treatment. Bile rose in his throat at the thought it might be too late. He swallowed it down with a grimace vomiting once was enough for him.
Enough, he thought you're conceding defeat before the battle even begins. Get it together Gunny. Find out the facts and quit with the speculation. Giving himself a hard look he turned from the mirror and headed for the hall. He flicked the light off and headed to her bedroom.
Pausing in the entry he could see she had kicked free of the covers and was now curled up into a ball. Crossing to the bed he placed his hand on her arm, she was cool to the touch. Reaching down he pulled the covers back over her and squatted down next to the bed. His finger slipped under the dark strands of hair lying across her face and gently moved them back. He watched her sleep her peaceful expression bringing a small smile to his face. The urge to touch her was growing so he stood and moved away instead of possibly waking her.
Returning to the bedroom door he turned the light off in the hallway. Rounding the bed he took his sig from his belt and rested it on the nightstand. Quietly he sat in the chair in the corner next to the window and listened to her deep rhythmic breathing. It was a lulling sound and his body relaxed into the chair. He rolled his head to the side and looked out into the dark back yard. The rain was still falling but it was lighter from the sounds it made as it hit the window.
His eyes began to close when he heard her whimper. They shot open and he listened for a repeat. The room remained silent and he relaxed his muscles, dropping his head back on the chair. Stretching his legs out in front of him he crossed his ankles and closed his eyes. The pelting rain and her soft breath conspired dragging him into sleep.
He knew he'd been a sleep a few hours by the drugged feeling he had when he opened his eyes. He listened for anything that would have drawn him from sleep when the moon broke through the clouds and shown right through the window. Blinking he let his eyes adjust to the light while he remained still, listening in case it wasn't the light that woke him. When there was nothing he looked out the window and watched the clouds break up as they moved east.
Not long and the cloud cover was completely gone and the room was lit in silver. Covering his mouth he yawned and stood up. Moving around the bed he looked down at Abby to see she had turned onto her stomach. He lifted the covers to her shoulders and watched her sleep for a moment before closing the drapes and returning to the other side of the room. He drew the panel nearest the bed and stood looking out the other side his shoulder resting on the wood frame.
He heard movement from the bed and glanced over finding his night vision completely destroyed. Smart, he thought rubbing his neck and the doors unlocked. An intruder could walk right up and knock you out before you even saw him. I'd hear them of course, but that wasn't really the point, he thought reaching up to close the drape.
"Stop," Abby said before he could pull the drape closed. His arm dropped and he turned to make his way to her when she stopped him again. "Wait. I want to see you."
"I could open the rest of the drapes Abbs."
"I like it this way," she said her voice just above a whisper.
"I can't see you," he said hearing the vulnerability in her voice.
"I know," she said shifting closer.
"How long have you been awake?" he asked leaning back against the window frame.
"Since you closed the drapes, it scared me until realized it was you. The last thing I remember was being downstairs and then here in the dark."
"Sorry Honey. I didn't mean to scare you."
"It was only for a moment and then I smelled who it was."
He could hear the smile in her voice and his brow rose. "Trying to tell me I need a shower?" he asked a slight smile on his face.
"I didn't say good or bad only identification."
"Still haven't," he said the smile growing.
"I haven't… Have I," was her amused response.
"I know you're ticklish," he warned brow rising.
"Before your night vision comes back we'll already be playing hide and seek," she said.
"Nope, I'd just walk down to the kitchen and start a pot of coffee. No need to seek."
"What if I need you to," she asked her voice softer.
"Feeling lost, baby?" He heard her shift the bed creaked then the room was bathed in moonlight. Abby stood in front of the window facing him her arms wrapped around her waist. He didn't need her to answer. He could see he'd guessed correctly. He walked around the bed and stood before her. Taking her hands he placed her palms on his chest and covered them with his own. "I've got you Abbs. I won't let you go through this alone."
"I can't," she said shaking her head. "It's too much to ask."
"You're not asking and neither am I," he said wrapping his arms around her. Her arms slipped under his and she held on with both hands fisting his shirt her face pressed into the center of his chest. "And I won't let you hide from me," he said one hand stroking over her hair.
She turned her head resting her cheek on his chest and said, "I only know its cancer nothing more."
"The doctor didn't tell you anything else?" he asked frowning over her head. He felt her shrug. He waiting for an answer and when it looked like he wasn't going to get one he said softly but firmly, "Stop avoiding and answer me, Abby."
"I walked out," she said shrugging again.
He maneuvered them over to the bed and sat her down. Turning on the nightstand light he sat next to her and looked at her. She wouldn't look at him. Cupping her chin he tilted her head up and asked, "When was this?"
She bit her lip tears beginning to cloud her eyes, "Monday. I shouldn't have bothered going," she said gently pulling her chin free and standing up. Walking back to the window she stared out her arms crossed over her chest. "I didn't expect to be so weak about it."
"You are they strongest person I know Abbs. You've been walking around with this since Monday without any support." He was trying to keep the frustration out of his voice hating she didn't come to him right away, before the biopsy. She should have come to me the moment she felt the lump, he thought with a small huff, muffled by his hand running down his face.
"What?" she asked glancing over at him a confused expression on her face. Running through what he said she realized what he said, what he had meant and shook her head turning back to the window. "No I expected the cancer, she said running her fingers through her hair. Her hand dropped limply to her side. "I didn't expect to run to the doctor to confirm it. I set my life in hyper drive to experience everything before it was too late."
She gave a small bitter laugh, "I found a lump…" she shook her head. "I haven't done a breast exam in… she closed her eyes for a brief moment her lips pressed together she shook her head again the movement barely visible. She opened her eyes and pressed her palm against the cool glass.
Gibbs remained silent he needed to know where her head was before he could figure out what he to do. How to proceed with her not just fighting her illness but also how to let her know what she meant to him. Talk to me, he silently pleaded watching her forearm come to rest against the glass just as she pressed her forehead beneath it.
I need coffee," she said pushing of the window propelling herself towards the hallway. Without looking at him she hurried from the room and into the darken hall. "I don't want to fight with you Jethro," she called back. She was moving quickly her voice had come from a distance down the hall.
"Shit," he said jumping up. There was a slight jog to his steps as he went after her. No hiding he thought grasping her arm as she reached the top of the stairs. "Stop," he said reaching out and flipping the light on.
She whipped around and shoved him. He stumbled back releasing her arm. She advanced on him. "I won't die like my mother," she yelled shoving him again.
He saw it coming this time and absorbed the shove. His arms closed around her pinning her to his chest. She struggled against him pushing them both into the wall. Recovering quickly he realized she wasn't fighting him. She was clinging to him, her breath becoming frantic. She was quickly working herself into a panic attack and he knew he needed to get control of the situation immediately.
"Look at me," he said loud and stern enough to break through to her. Her anxious confused eyes met his and she stopped struggling. This wasn't the first time they had found themselves in this position. He turned them so she had her back to the wall and held her up with his hips. Unclenching her hands he pressed her palms to his chest then cupped his hands loosely over her mouth and nose. "Breathe with me," he said taking a long deep breath. His slowly expanding chest gave her the physical cue to inhale with him and exhale as it contracted, while his hands allowed him to regulate the amount of oxygen she was getting.
"Good Girl, he encouraged. Eyes on me." He could still see the anxiety flickering in her eyes, but she was doing better, she was beginning to match his breathing pattern and now he was taking her down slowly extending his breath waiting for her to match him until they were both taking normal breaths. Taking his hands away he brushed her bangs back and placed a kiss on her forehead, while placing his other hand on top of hers.
Tucking her under his arm he led her down the hall and into the bathroom. Dropping the seat on the toilet he set her down. He took a washcloth from the closet and turned the cold water faucet on in the old tub then sat on the edge next to her. Dipping the cloth in the stream he wrung it out and ran in over her face pushing slightly into her hair. He leaned back and stuck the cloth back into the water and while wringing it out he felt her press her forehead on his knee.
"Thank you," she mumbled holding his calve in her hands.
Smiling down at her he pressed the washcloth to the back of her neck then down between her shoulder blades. "No need this is one of the times I know you'll do exactly what I say, when I say it."
"You always say that," she said squeezing his calve lightly.
"It's always true," he said
"I always do what you ask," she said.
"Most of the time you do, but not always when I want it," he said cooling the cloth again and holding it to her neck.
"Manufacturing evidence is wrong," she said rolling her head pressing her cheek on his knee.
"Giving me results when I ask is right" he teased smirking down at her and tucking her hair behind her ear.
"Your expectations are often unrealistic," she said reaching up and rubbing her eye a small smile on her face.
"Can't complain Abbs… you're the one encouraging my behavior." he said.
"Just because I usually have something doesn't mean I'm encouraging you."
"You're reinforcing my demanding and impatient nature," he said raking back her bangs.
"I don't think you're demanding and impatient," she said shivering.
"I am," he said laying the washcloth on the side of the tub.
"Not to me," she said releasing his calve when he tapped her hand.
"Up," he said taking hold of her shoulders and helping her sit back up. Cupping her chin he looked into her eyes and asked, "Feeling better?"
"Yes," she said.
"Then back to bed for you," he said standing and pulling her up with him.
"Are you leaving?" she asked.
"No. I'm staying," he said taking her hand and squeezing it. He led her through the bathroom door and down the hall to her bedroom.
"I need a shower," she said touching her arm feeling the grit from earlier.
"Not tonight," he said pulling back her comforter.
"Bossy," she said frowning at him, but getting into bed.
He covered her with the comforter and leaned down over the top of her one hand on either side of her shoulders his face above hers. "You wear the collar not me," he said smirking down at her shocked expression. "Now go to sleep," he said leaning down and kissing her forehead
"You can't say things like that and expect me to go to sleep," she said as he moved away.
"Of course I can," he chucked walking towards the door to turn off the light.
"Where are you going?" she asked sitting up and looking at him.
"Not going anywhere Abbs," he said turning the hall light off. He walked back to her and sat on the edge of the bed next to her hip. She lay back down and he pulled the covers up. They stared at each other in the dimly lit room; the open drapes the only light. "I'll be here when you wake up," he said brushing his fingers over her eyes closing them.