Disclaimer: I don't own anything that doesn't belong to me.
…
An uneasy silence filled the car as Alphamon steadily drove on and on, staring straight ahead of him and not sparing a glance at his passenger. A few times, Meicoomon was tempted to speak up, but one look at Alphamon, how focused and frustrated and… Defeated he seemed, and she lost her nerve. Eventually, after some prompting from Mica, she finally spoke, the first words that had been uttered in the car since their departure from Yggdrasil. "So… Um… The scenery, it looks… Nice…" She said lamely.
"I suppose so," Alphamon grunted, still not looking at her.
Meicoomon shrunk back into her seat, ears flattened against her head. Mica firmly nudged her, and she swallowed and said, "It, um, doesn't look like the scenery on our way to Yggdrasil. Are we, um, are we taking a different route back to headquarters?"
There was a long silence, making the already tense interior of the car feel even more stifled and awkward. Finally, tightly gripping the steering wheel, Alphamon said, "We aren't going back to headquarters, Meicoomon."
"Oh," Meicoomon said quietly. Frustrated, Mica nudged her again, and she blurted out, "Where, um, where are we going, then?"
Alphamon clutched the wheel even tighter. With a deep sigh, he said, "I'm taking you to Gallantmon and Sakuyamon's country. They're going to be taking care of you from now on."
Meicoomon shot up in her seat, aghast. "Wh-what?! But-but I thought that-"
"That you were going to stay with me? That I'd adopt you and the two of us would be father and daughter, becoming the first real family either of us ever had, each of us completing the other in a way that we've longed for for years, but were never able to before?" He said, a bit more harshly then he intended, causing Meicoomon to flinch. Seeing this, Alphamon closed his eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, and sighed wearily. "Funny thing is, that's what I thought too. Unfortunately, that's just not in the cards, Meicoomon."
"B-but why?!" Meicoomon begged, starting to cry. "I-if it's something I did, I promise I won't do it again! Please, don't-"
"Meicoomon, you didn't do anything," Alphamon interrupted. "You're… You're wonderful, better than you give yourself credit for. Better, in fact, than someone like me deserves. That's why I'm giving you to Gallantmon and Sakuyamon. They know how to raise a child the right way. They know how to heal the wounds you bear on your body and in your soul. They know how to teach you to be strong and brave and good. They know how to do all the things that I just can't. They're the heroes, Meicoomon. Like I told you before, I'm not one."
"B-but you are!" Meicoomon protested. "You're my hero! You saved me!"
"Saved you? When did I-" Alphamon laughed harshly. "What, you mean when I mutilated DexDorugamon?! Meicoomon, I wasn't saving you. You were never in any danger! That asshole was just going to leave you in my custody and bugger off, never to be seen again! I didn't hurt him to protect you, I did it because… Because he insinuated I was something that I wasn't, or maybe something that I am, but just didn't want to admit to myself. Because I've always hated those little bastards, and have wanted to punch them in the face and rip off their wings and beat the shit out of them for years. I didn't hurt him for you, Meicoomon. Don't kid yourself on that front. I'm not nearly that selfless. I did it for myself. For purely selfish, petty reasons."
Meicoomon's face fell. "But-"
"You want to know who I am, Meicoomon? Who I really am? What sort of Digimon I am, deep down inside?" Alphamon snapped. "Have you ever heard of the X Antibody?"
"That… Um… It's some sort of virus that some Digimon catch that turns them into monsters? Like what I do?" Meicoomon asked timidly, intimidated and more than a little frightened.
Alphamon shook his head. "No, that's just what the propagandists say. The X-Antibody is completely harmless. It's an utterly benign program that, when a Digimon gets infected by it, causes them to undergo a form of Digivolution that transforms them into a stronger version of themselves while also making them look somewhat 'cooler.' That's it. Just a power boost and a makeover. There are absolutely no negative side effects whatsoever."
Meicoomon blinked in confusion. "But… But then why-"
"Why are Digimon who have the antibody stigmatized, shunned, and hunted down? Because they're a reminder of a failed genocide Yggdrasil carried out eons ago that he really, really hates being reminded of and doesn't want anyone else to remember either," Alphamon sneered. "As such, for ages, standard operating procedure has been to track down and kill any Digimon with the antibody. And guess whose job that often was, ever since I sold our souls to Yggdrasil?"
Meicoomon stared at him in disbelief for moment before her eyes widened in horror. "No."
"Yes."
"You…y-you actually…" Meicoomon stammered, horrified.
"Killed countless Digimon whose only crime was not having their firewalls and virus protection software up-to-date? Yep," Alphamon said bluntly. "Oh, and not just innocent civilians, either! The Royal Knights aren't exempt from this rule, either. Remember how I told you Magnamon was going to get killed by UlforceVeedramon a little while ago? That's because Magnamon got the antibody, so UlforceVeedramon was going to put him down. That's right; he was going to murder his own cousin, just because he didn't use proper protection when sleeping with some floozy."
"Th-that's…"
"And it wouldn't be the first time, either!" Alphamon said bitterly. "You know how many times we've had to kill and replace members of our order because of that awful, bigoted rule? I hope someone does, because honestly, I've lost count. Geez, I can't even remember at which point I just… I just stopped caring…"
"How… How could you possibly do all that?" Meicoomon asked weakly, struggling to comprehend what Alphamon was telling her, tears streaming down her cheeks.
"After a while, you just get used to it, I guess," Alphamon said bitterly. "And don't you dare try to rationalize it. What I've done, what we've all done, it's sick and twisted and wrong, and the only reason we don't do it anymore is because Craniamon just happened to discover a cure for the antibody. If it weren't for that, it would still be business as usual as far as Digimon who caught the antibody are concerned. And if you're wondering why we just went along with it…" He shrugged. "Well, at first we didn't realize it was wrong. As far as we knew, X Digimon really WERE a threat to the safety of the Digital World, and needed to be put down. Naturally, that changed once we found out the truth, that while some of them really were criminals, or villains trying to take advantage of their powers to cause trouble, most them were just innocent civilians who'd gotten sick one day and wound up turning into something new and unprecedented. Once we realized we were killing innocent people, we tried to resist, to refuse to do it. We… Were rather quickly put in our place. A number of my colleagues resigned in protest, which amounted to nothing because most of them were replaced by Digimon that had far fewer compunctions with killing people who hadn't done anything wrong. Things might've been different if I had resigned as well, since the Royal Knights can't EXIST without me, but…" He shrugged impotently. "Well, I was a fool and didn't know when to let go. Something you already know.
"So, we tried to get clever, to fake their executions, to help them escape to somewhere safe. Then they were all tracked down and murdered anyway, and we were made to pay a very severe price. And then… And then after a while, we just stopped trying. Eventually, it became routine. Even the most horrifying things can become less so if it happens often enough. Granted, we didn't exactly do a particularly GOOD job of it, out of some form of passive aggressive rebellion or sheer apathy and laziness, but we still did it, and so are all damned. I'm aware that Gallantmon and a couple of the others have been doing their best to protect X Digimon from the rest of us, and have done nothing to stop them." He glanced sharply at Meicoomon. "Which isn't an excuse, just so you know. Just because I didn't hinder them didn't mean I helped them, either. It's not something to justify our actions, my actions. Especially once you know the rest of it."
"The… The rest of it?" Meicoomon asked hesitantly, filled with dread.
Alphamon nodded severely. "Yep. The rest of it. The whole truth. The thing I've never told anyone, ANYONE, in my entire existence. Only a handful of people suspect this, but almost nobody knows for sure, not even my brother or father. And once you know it, once you know this truth, you'll never be able to look at me the same way, and you'll understand why I'm leaving you with Gallantmon and Sakuyamon." He took a deep breath. For a moment, he wondered if he should do this. Because he knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that this would shatter her view of him completely and irrevocably.
Which was, probably, the reason he went and did it anyway. He had to destroy the pedestal she'd put him on if she was ever going to let him go. "Meicoomon, I am the source of the X-antibody."
Once again, the interior of the car was silent. "Wh-what?" Meicoomon asked after a moment.
"The two of us really do have a lot of in common, Meicoomon. When I was your age, I was a lot like you. The only Digimon of my kind, alone in the world, shunned and ostracized by many… And, without realizing it, the carrier for a disease which altered the Digimon who got infected with it beyond recognition," Alphamon explained. "The main difference was that my disease didn't actually harm Digimon, and I wasn't the only carrier. There were maybe half a dozen others… Not sure how many of them are still alive now… But I still share responsibility.
"It wasn't until much later in life that I realized this, of course," Alphamon went on as Meicoomon just stared at him, jaw dropped, eyes wide and unblinking, Mica's growl slowly growing in volume. "I had no clue for most of my early life that I was one of the sources of the X-antibody. After I Digivolved for the first time, the virus went dormant in my body – – or at least, I suspect as much, since nobody around me has underwent X-Digivolution in ages – – so stopped infecting Digimon with it, but by that point, enough people had already caught the disease and were spreading it to others that it didn't matter. The first time I suspected that I might have some connection to the X-antibody was when I noticed that a large number of the Digimon we were being sent out to kill were Digimon I had encountered when I was much younger. Even then, I didn't know for certain – – or rather, refused to believe it was even possible – – until a checkup revealed that there were traces of the antibody in my data. However, given that I clearly had not undergone X-Digivolution and didn't have an X in my name, the doctors assumed that it was residue I picked up from the X Digimon I'd killed in the past and that I was simply naturally immune, which is far from an illogical conclusion. It was, unfortunately, the wrong one, and I realized there could only be one other explanation: that I was one of the Digimon that had originally spread the virus to the masses, making me one of the most wanted and infamous Digimon alive. If anyone, even my closest friends—not that I had many left at that point-realized the truth, they would kill me, and even if they didn't, I'd spend the rest of my life as a fugitive. Not only that, it meant that all of the deaths caused by Digimon getting the X-antibody, whether they killed other people or were killed in turn by others – – such as us – – was on my hands. Thousands of people were dead, directly or indirectly, because of me. And, with this greater understanding of my responsibility in the outbreak and empathy towards those whom I'd been hunting down all this time, what do you think I did?"
"… Helped?" Meicoomon asked hesitantly, already aware that was probably the wrong answer.
"Nothing," Alphamon said flatly. "Absolutely fucking nothing. Even with this newfound revelation, I acted no different than I had before, too paralyzed by guilt and terror to do anything else out of fear that someone might somehow figure out that I was to blame, and turn me in. And that's basically what I've been doing ever since: letting the genocide continue unabated while ruthlessly squashing any potential hints or rumors that I might be the cause for all this, because I was too much of a coward to speak up, admit responsibility, and do the goddamn right thing. Even after I my lost the will to live, it never occurred to me to just tell everyone the truth so they'd put me down and end my torment, because by that point I'd gotten so used to doing whatever was necessary to keep up the lie, or maybe I was just too much of a Kokatorimon to take my own life or give others an excuse to do it for me. Even after Craniamon came up with the cure for the X-antibody, I still kept silent, because I knew that if anyone found out that I'd known I was the source of the X-antibody all long, but hadn't done anything, I'd be hated more than I already was, and lose whatever miniscule shred of credibility I had left. I'm a failure as a Knight, a complete and utter disgrace as a leader and successor for Imperialdramon Paladin mode, a fucking hypocrite, and a spineless coward. I am most definitely not a hero."
The car was silent again. Meicoomon didn't say anything. Didn't scream or curse or call him out for his actions. In a way, that made things worse. It would've been better than the quiet ambiguity in the air, this growing tension between the two of them. Whoever had said the truth would set you free was a moron, even after admitting his darkest secret Alphamon felt no relief, only even more miserable than ever.
"Anyway," Alphamon said finally. "That's why I'm taking you to Gallantmon and Sakuyamon, because, as should now be self-evident, I'm one of the worst possible goddamn people to be your foster father. I can't possibly be trusted to raise a child, given my long track record of absolute failures. I can't… I can't even keep you safe from the people who did this to you, even if they've more or less lost interest in you for the time being, because I fucking work for them." He sighed. "And while Gallantmon and Sakuyamon might also be hypocrites in a way – – just ask them about their siblings sometime, and why they seem content to let them run around doing as they please – –they'll still be better caretakers for you than I ever possibly could be. They'll give you the care and kindness you deserve, help you start a new and wonderful life and their utopian country, and eventually forget all about bad old Alphamon and never need to see me again-"
"I forgive you."
"And one day, all of this will be nothing more than a bad memory and what did you just say."
"I forgive you," Meicoomon repeated, staring at Alphamon with big, wet, shimmering eyes.
Alphamon hit the brakes hard. Both of them jumped forward in their seats, only barely held back by their seatbelts. "WHAT."
"I forgive-"
"I heard you the first goddamn time! What do you mean, you forgive me?!" Alphamon demanded. "Have, have you not been listening to a thing I just said?! People have died because of me, Meicoomon! Died, because I did nothing to help them!"
"People have died because of me too, and I did nothing to help them," Meicoomon said quietly.
Alphamon froze. "That's… That's not the same thing, Meicoomon. I was aware of what my actions had done, but did nothing to correct them. You… You didn't know what was happening, and even if you did, you were in no position to change it."
"It's not the same thing, but it's more similar than you think," Meicoomon pointed out. "Both of us were the unwitting vectors for a dangerous disease which has caused countless deaths and worse across the Digital World. Even if it wasn't something either of us could control, it's still our fault."
"Yeah, but your virus was being deliberately harvested and spread by Yggdrasil's goons, while everyone with MY virus is on those same bastards' hit list and not only did I do nothing to help them, I KILLED a lot of them, and was too terrified that I'd wind up on the same list to do anything about it!" Alphamon protested. "Don't you get it? I'm not a hero. I'm not a savior, or a friend, or a dad, or whatever the hell you think I am. I'm a monster!"
"Would a monster have any regard for the people they hurt, by accident or otherwise?" Meicoomon asked him, paraphrasing Sakuyamon. "Would a monster take the time to care for a scared little girl, and go out of his way to make her feel wanted and safe, and feed her and watch television with her and promise to do everything in his power to make those who hurt her pay? Because… Because by that token, if you're a monster, then so am I."
"… A bad person can sometimes do good things, but that doesn't change the fact that they're a bad person," Alphamon said quietly, voice broken.
"Then a good person can sometimes do bad things, but still be a good person, can't they?" Meicoomon pointed out.
"I'm not sure it works that way," Alphamon said doubtfully.
"No matter how many times you claim you're bad… To me, you'll always be good. You saved me," Meicoomon insisted.
Alphamon groaned. "Meicoomon, we just got through this-"
"I'm not talking about DexDorugamon," she interrupted him.
Alphamon blinked. "You're not? Then…"
"Before we met, I had nothing. Less than nothing," Meicoomon said softly. "Everyone I'd ever cared about and thought cared about me turned their backs on me. My life was nothing but an endless cycle of abuse and torment and loneliness. I've long since lost all hope that things could change, and resigned myself to every day being worse than the next… And worst of all, I convinced myself that I deserved it, just for the crime of existing."
"… Meicoomon…"
"And then I met you," the feline continued. "You… You were the first person since my life went downhill to treat me like… Like I was a person, and not a test subject, or something to be hit, or… Or pitied. While the other people I've met today have done the same, that doesn't change the fact that… That you were the first. That you were the first person to make me think that… That there was hope for the future. That I could have a home. A family. That… That I could be happy." She looked at Alphamon. "And that's why… No matter what you've done or say you did, no matter what you think about yourself… To me, you'll always be my hero. Because you saved me from a life without hope. Because you saved me from my despair."
"… You… You can still have a home, and family, and happiness. Why… Why are you so sure it has to be with me?" Alphamon asked, unable to meet the child's eyes, overwhelmed by just how much she… She trusted and believed in him, despite everything.
"Because while I'm sure Gallantmon and Sakuyamon would do everything they can to make me feel loved and accepted and happy, they… They can't ever really understand me, no matter how hard they try. Not like you can. Because… Because we're the same. You know that, right?" Meicoomon implored Alphamon. "We're both responsible for a great deal of suffering for something we couldn't really control. We're both… We're both filled with guilt and remorse for what we've done, either willingly or unwittingly. We both understand what it's like to be alone and unloved, like the whole world is out to get us. We both know what it's like to be the only one of our kind in the whole world. We were both born with a virus inside of us that we couldn't help but spread beyond our control. And… Both of us are broken inside in a way that we might never be able to heal from."
She reached out to lay a paw on Alphamon's arm (a bit easier said than done, given how big the seat was and how small she was in comparison). "But… Maybe we can be broken together?"
Alphamon stared at her for a long, long while. Finally, he said, "All right, first off, that was beautiful. Second… You, uh, you weren't hitting me with just then, were you?"
"What?! No! Why would you think-" Meicoomon cried, startled.
"Sorry, it's just, everything you just said could be construed in a romantic context-" Alphamon stammered.
"I-it wasn't! It was… I don't know what the term for it is, but it definitely wasn't that!" Meicoomon insisted, clearly flustered.
"Okay. Good. Because if it were, that, ah, would make things incredibly awkward between us," Alphamon said in relief.
"Even more awkward then you just made it?" Meicoomon asked in disbelief.
"Somehow, yes," Alphamon said, embarrassed.
Both of them looked away from each other, cheeks red, and an uncomfortable silence descended on the car aside from the sound of Micah laughing hysterically in the background.
Finally, Alphamon said, "So, um, I guess I just ruined the moment, then."
"Y-yeah, you kind of did," Meicoomon muttered.
"So, um, everything you just said… You… You really mean it? You really want to stay with me, despite… Despite everything?" Alphamon asked hesitantly, as if unable to bring himself to believe it.
"Yes," Meicoomon said. "I really do."
Alphamon realized, just then, that he was crying. So was she. "Fuck," he said finally. "Okay. I give up. You win."
Meicoomon's eyes lit up. "Then you mean…?"
Alphamon nodded. "Yeah. You can stay with me."
The look of absolute heartfelt joy on her face, the smile crossing her face more radiant than the sun, was one of the most beautiful things Alphamon had seen in years. She probably would've hugged him right then and there she weren't securely buckled into her child's seat. Mica was clearly ecstatic as well, given how she was dancing and twirling through the air, leaving trails of sparkling embers in her wake. "Thank you. Thank… Thank you so much. This is… This is more than I ever dreamed…"
"It's not something I ever imagined would happen to me, either," Alphamon said quietly, wiping away his tears. I never considered this, not even for a moment. Not even back then. Not even when I was with…
He quickly cut off that line of thought. Thinking about her always hurt too much.
"Does… Does this mean I can call you dad?" Meicoomon asked hopefully.
Alphamon's heart fluttered for a moment. "If that's… If that's what you want me to be, yes. And if you want to be the daughter of a washed up has been failure of a Knight like myself."
"Yes! Yes, I would!" the feline said ecstatically.
"Then I guess I'm your dad, and you're my daughter," Alphamon said with more calm than he truly felt. "Damn. Me, a father. This is actually happening. This is… I think… I think I actually feel happy. That's… Wow. I don't think I've felt like this in a very, very long time. ENIAC, that's depressing." Much to his annoyance, he realized he was crying again.
"It's okay to cry," Meicoomon told him, tearing up again as well.
"Not if I'm going to be driving, we're not," Alphamon grunted, wiping his face again. "I want to be able to see the road, after all."
"Then… Does this mean we're going… Home?" Meicoomon said eagerly, ears twitching in delight at the thought that at long last she really had a home.
He was about to respond in the affirmative when a thought occurred to him. Something resonating so strongly with him, that he realized there was no other option but to do it. "Not just yet," Alphamon said, shifting the car into drive, the engine revving as they started forth once again.
Meicoomon blinked. "Huh? But… Where else would we go? Are we… Are we going back to the tree, so you can-"
"No, we're not going back to the tree," Alphamon interrupted her. "Not yet, anyway. We aren't ready. If we're going to take Yggdrasil down – – and we will take him down," he said, vehemently, surprising himself by how sincerely he meant this. So much for being a coward, eh DexDorugoramon? "It'll take a lot more than just me, especially in the shape I'm in. We'll get them, but it's going to take a while before we're anywhere close to ready. Where we're going, however, is to take the first step."
"The first step?" She asked, puzzled.
Alphamon nodded as he accelerated, the landscape flying by on either side of them. "As I am now, I'm not the Digimon that you, no, the world needs. I need to be something more. Something better. Something like I once was, and hope to be again. If I'm going to be the father you deserve, and the hero this world requires, I need to begin anew. Start from scratch. Put the past behind me and all that. Live up to my potential and become the person Imperialdramon Paladin Mode-" And her. "-believed I could be. And if it's a new beginning I'm looking for, it's only right that it starts where all this really began.
"We're going back to the beginning, Meicoomon. To the place where the Royal Knights came to be…"