And another, Lovies.
Song: Million Reasons by Lady Gaga (Can we just take a moment and appreciate her new direction with her music? 3)
The newsroom buzzed around her. The sound was soothing in a way, alive and real. Kara used to get so overloaded by sounds of Earth, especially the city, when her powers were steadily growing. She'd not had a spike for several years once she hit her twenties. Clark should have been there. He should have guided her, taught her how to control them and use them properly, explained the techniques of blocking out x-ray vision and super hearing. Where was he? He'd just dropped her off and left, couldn't be bothered with a kid. He hadn't even left a phone number, an email… the right smoke signals to send up. She knew where he worked now, the city where he lived. Maybe he wanted her to go to him, but he never invited her, never showed that he cared beyond hiding her with the Danvers. Kara tapped backspace with quick, deliberate pokes. Annie touched her arm, shaking Kara from her internal rant.
"What?" Kara snapped, whipping her head towards the other woman.
Annie lifted a thumb over her shoulder. Her eyes were wide and worried inside the frame of her curly red hair. Kara looked over her head and found Alex standing near the door with wide, worried eyes, too. Her expression matched the faces of her fellow reporters. Kara snapped her laptop shut and slipped it into her shoulder bag before standing and moving as calmly as possible towards Alex, aware of the stares.
"I waited at Noonan's for 30 minutes," Alex said and tried to smile. She held up a brown paper bag instead.
"We were supposed to have lunch. I forgot." Kara took the bag and peeked inside, grinning a little despite the more painful veins of her life pulsing near the surface.
"Do you have a little more time?" Kara asked. Alex nodded.
She followed Kara through the building and out the front door. She led them down to the river without speaking and pulled the chicken salad wrap out of the bag. Alex watched her until she took a bite. Kara dutifully chewed, swallowed, and took another one. Her stomach knotted, but she forced the food down anyway. Alex seemed to relax a little and shoved her hands into the pockets of her blue jacket. The wind coming off the river never bothered Kara, but Alex had told her that it was chilly this time of year, in the fall. Kara used to love walking this path with her sister. Now, she felt like a fraud. There was nothing here she wanted to see – the little ducks following their mama or the fish coming up to the surface or the variety of people milling about. Earth had grown dull.
"Kara?"
"What?" Kara stopped walking and turned to look at Alex fully.
Alex pointed to her hand where she had squeezed the wrap, spilling the filling onto her hand and sidewalk. Alex took the paper bag and pulled out a stack of brown napkins, cleaning Kara's hand with a gentleness that stung the back of Kara's eyes with the ache of tears. Were tears painful for humans, too? She supposed she felt the pain of them because they were a product of her own body and not an outside influence. She tossed the wrap into the bag and then into a trashcan nearby.
"Do you want to go get something else? I don't have to be back to the DEO for another hour to check the results of my tests." Alex looked hopeful.
Kara shook her head and looked at her ruined lunch now sitting in the big black trash bag. "I wasn't really that hungry."
"Kara, what's wrong? Your entire newsroom looked like they were tiptoeing around you. Did something happen?" Kara shook her head, still looking at the destroyed wrap, mashed and mutilated. She related to the feeling.
"Kara?"
"What, Alex?" Kara snapped her head up, glaring at her sister. Alex raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms Waiting for Kara to rectify her actions, she assumed. Her hands clenched into fists against her thighs, muscles in her jaws working up and down with the effort. "Sorry. I'm a little cranky today."
"A little?" Alex softened, letting her own anger at the mistreatment slide since Kara was talking now. "Is it Lena?"
"Not everything comes back to Lena, ya know." The words weren't angry. They just were. Alex's forehead bunched, pulling her hairline forward with the force of it.
"Kara." Alex touched her shoulder, and Kara tried not to flinch away from her. "Talk to me. What's going on?"
"Why did Clark leave me with your family? He just…" Kara's lip quivered, and she dropped her head. "He just left. He didn't care about me. He just cared about being Superman."
"Oh, Sweetie." Alex pulled her into a hug, and Kara buried her face in Alex shoulder, wrapping her hands around Alex's shoulder blades. Alex was so very breakable, so vulnerable. "He was afraid his enemies would hurt you. He was afraid of who might find out who you were and exploit you. He was trying to protect you."
"Like I'm trying to protect Lena," Kara said. She'd done this to Lena, given her this pain of abandonment. Kara stepped back and wiped her face. "If Clark were a hero, he wouldn't have abandoned a child who needed him."
"Kara…"
"Don't. Just… leave me alone, Alex. I wouldn't want to put you in danger, either." Kara brushed past her, ducking her head under the weight of her heavy body.
"Kara," Alex called after her, but her sister never made a move to follow.
Kara made a loop around the boardwalk and back to CatCo where she hid in the tiny office Cat had given her. If Snapper knew it existed, he probably would have taken it from her, too. She opened her laptop and tapped in the password, opening the article about Lena's gala. The words on the screen meant nothing. She snapped the lid shut, disgusted with the frivolous puff piece. She wanted to give Lena good press, and the CEO had raised over a hundred thousand dollars for the children's hospital. It was good media attention for a great cause. She owed Lena that much for the way she'd behaved the previous night. She should have written it before she went to bed. She opened the laptop and printed the article. It was fine, she was only nitpicking at it anyway. She went to the printer in the newsroom, shoved it into a plastic cover, and tossed it in front of Snapper.
"I'm going home," she said. He actually turned his head to look at her but left it propped on his fist. "The article is fine, just run it."
When he opened his mouth to reprimand her, she spun on her heel and left the newsroom. She had no patience for Snapper Carr's abuse that afternoon. She took Cat's private elevator to the roof, stripped off her clothes on the helipad, and exploded into the air. In the clouds, she breathed again, letting the cooler air ease the tension in her shoulders and neck. She was invincible and still managed to give herself muscle knots. She was one of the handful of things on Earth who could actually cause her harm, physically anyway. Everything battered her emotions. She cared too much until she wasn't able to care at all. Everyone walked around like they were entitled to their planet, to their cars and gadgets and plastic everything. They had no idea what awaited them in a few years, a century maybe. She knew what that felt like. Greedy hands had taken bits of her, too, until she wore too thin to withstand their needs.
When Kara landed on the top balcony at L-Corp, Lena startled and turned in her chair. A bright smile lit up her face as she pushed off the arms and opened the glass door. She stepped into the sunlight, and Kara leaned back against the railing, crossing her ankles. Lena wore a blue dress that hugged her body and dropped into a deep V, almost separating her breasts with the cut. Kara allowed her gaze to linger over Lena's figure, her pale toned legs and hips that swayed with an elegance more sophisticated than mere sexuality and her long thin neck and dangerous red lips and piercing green eyes. Lena faced the city and folded her arms on the railing beside Supergirl.
"Is everything alright?" Lena asked.
"The city isn't in crisis, if that's what you mean," Kara said and crossed her arms over her flat chest.
"I meant you look as though someone ran over your favorite alien kitten," Lena joked and bumped their shoulders. Kara almost cracked a smile.
"Do you ever get tired of it all, Ms. Luthor?" She asked, looking over her office.
"I've grown tired of many things, Supergirl. I'll need you to be a bit more specific." Kara turned around and faced the city. "For example, on this particular day, I'm specifically tired of Kara Danvers ignoring my text messages after what happened at my gala last night."
"I'm sure Kara has her reasons. Getting her article about your gala out in this afternoon's issue, I'm sure," Kara said. She hoped her voice sounded steady because the coiling in her stomach made her sick.
"I'm sure your theory is much nicer than reality," Lena retorted. Her hand gripped the railing so tight her knuckles and fingers turned ghostly white. She was upset, and Kara was the reason.
"I'm sorry that you're upset. Maybe I should go," Supergirl said and stood to her full height.
"Maybe you should." Lena turned her back and went back into her office. Without looking back, she sat at her desk and bent over whatever boring piece of paperwork she finalized.
Kara took off and glided over the city for a little while before returning to CatCo and redressing atop the building. It was the tallest around for several blocks, so she never worried that someone might see her. She took Cat's elevator back to the floor of her office and dug around her bag for her phone. There were several voicemails and texts from Alex and two from Lena sent early that morning and the second about an hour before she visited her.
I know you told me what last night meant before it happened, but I think we should talk about it.
Kara, I saw how upset you were when you left. Please call me.
Kara tapped out a reply: I'm not upset. She erased it. I'm okay. Erased.
Hey. Kara sent the text. She stared at the screen. The read receipt appeared beneath it, ellipses following almost immediately. They disappeared, reappeared.
Are you alright? Lena asked, and Kara felt her anxiety across the few blocks that separated them.
I'm fine, just been thinking a lot this morning. I left my phone in my office so I could work. Sorry it took so long to get back to you.
It looked good enough, so Kara sent it. The read receipt appeared, but several minutes passed before Lena began typing anything. Kara watched the minutes tick by on her phone, tapped the screen when it dimmed a few times.
As long as you're okay with what happened last night. I was afraid I'd crossed a line. What are you thinking about?
Kara took a deep breath. She should have told Lena the truth about her messed up family situation, about Astra's death and Clark's abandonment. She wanted to.
Maybe I'll tell you at dinner on Friday. ;) She hoped Lena took the flirtation bait and left it at that.
I wasn't aware we had scheduled dinner. What about sister night? Lena sent back a few seconds later.
I'm not really interested in seeing Alex at the moment. I'm working some stuff out, and I need space from her.
It wasn't a lie. She needed Alex, but right now, she needed her to stay away for a little while. Alex influenced her thoughts, altered her decisions, and Kara really wanted to punch her face for killing Astra. She'd seen the video footage of the incident, and it wasn't necessary. She hadn't even moved the knife against J'onn's neck yet. It was a bluff, and Alex made a snap decision to kill her instead of disabling her. The last of Kara's blood family who had wanted her, not like Clark. Between the hero and the criminal, she would have chosen the criminal every single time. Astra was flawed, but she'd never doubted her aunt's love for her.
8? My place?
Kara smiled at the screen. Should I dress up?
Do you intend me to take it off or am I to behave?
Kara wanted to continue flirting, but the text calmed the thumping of her heart. She'd jerked Lena around and got her hopes up. For what? For a quick fuck in a storage room at a fancy party. She hadn't even returned the favor for Lena. Kara tossed the phone on the desk and glared at it until the screen went dark. It lit up a moment later.
I don't expect anything, Kara. I'll see you Friday.
She had never deserved Lena Luthor.
Kara picked up her bag and phone and went to her apartment as quickly as possible. She flew to the cave in the desert and stalked inside where Winn and Vasquez tapped on keyboards. She flopped into a chair beside her friend and slumped down, looking at him. He looked back, fingers stilling for a moment.
"I need to hit something," she said. Winn hopped into action and typed faster at the keyboard.
"Uhhhh, there is a robbery at a convenience store on Fifth Street."
Kara pushed a comm in her ear and squeezed his shoulder. "Keep 'em coming." She zipped out of the cave and didn't stop until she actually felt exhausted. Once the sun went down, her energy waned quickly. She took one more pass over the city and went into her apartment window. She checked her phone, ignored the messages from Alex, and tapped one from Lena. She opened her fridge and snagged a bottle of water and the pizza from the night before.
Do you have a dinner request? It had been sent a couple hours before she saw it.
Kara flopped onto the sofa, pizza box on her lap. Whatever. You know I'll eat anything. She took a drink of water and watched the little dots on her screen that told her Lena was on the other side, like she'd been waiting for Kara's response. Even on the other side of the city, she felt like the only thing on Lena's mind when they texted.
Cow tongue it is then.
Kara laughed, spitting water over her super suit and the pizza in her lap. She wiped the screen of the phone on the arm and brushed water off her suit. Okay, maybe not anything. Poor baby cows.
Really? Kara grinned. Rao, she'd missed Lena's playfulness. Why had she surrounded herself with people who took everything so damn seriously?
Cows are cute.
You're cute. Cows are tasty.
Well, I'm eating cold pizza for dinner tonight, alone on my couch in my pajamas, so anything that remotely resembles healthy is probably okay. Not cow tongue.
You can dress up if you'd like. I'll make it fancy.
Kara's grin spread into a smile, faded to a frown. I hope last night didn't give you false hope. Nothing has changed, Lena, but I'd like to be your friend. Can we give that a try?
Minutes passed. Kara ate two pieces of pizza and ordered more on her phone without moving from the sofa. She set it down and went behind the partition to change into a pair of jogging pants and a tight blue tank top before she gave the pizza delivery person the shock of their life. When the hot fresh, gooey goodness arrived, Kara answered the door and smiled at the acne-covered boy staring at her breasts through the stretched material. He was probably too young for her, so she signed the receipt quickly and shut the door. She picked up her phone and set the pizza on her lap as she sat sideways on the sofa, leaning against the arm.
Lena hadn't responded yet.
Lena?
Open your door.
Kara's forehead scrunched up, but she dutifully set the pizza on the coffee table and went to the door. She shot an X-ray beam through it before pulling it open. Lena stood on the other side, grinning, still in the blue dress from earlier with a tan jacket over it. She held a bag in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other. Lena caught the scent of garlic and chicken from the bag. She took the wine when Lena held it out to her.
"I've had a bad day," she said. "I needed a friend." It meant so much more, and Kara searched for any ulterior motive behind Lena's eyes. She, indeed, looked exhausted and emotional.
"As a friend, I offer you my couch and ear." Kara stepped back and waved towards the open area of her apartment. Lena went to the couch and shucked the tan jacket, dropped into the comfortable cushions.
"So, what's going on?" Kara asked from the kitchenette. She tugged the corkscrew and poured the expensive wine into her cheap, mismatched glasses. She broke things, a lot, so she just picked up whatever from the secondhand store. It had never bothered Lena that she saw.
"Remember the call I took from Japan last week?" Kara nodded as she sat, handed Lena a glass of wine. "I trashed his contract with L-Corp because that man's equipment was faulty and killed two employees last week. He wanted to continue production without doing a safety assessment. I positively refuse to entertain a person with such despicable morals, and my name will not be associated with slave labor, no matter the country."
Lena took a large gulp of wine, draining the glass in one go. Kara studied her, the tension in her shoulders and neck, the integrity that guided her professional and personal life. Lena lowered the glass and looked at her, flushing from the sudden intake of wine and the expression of awe Kara had no idea how to hide.
"So, you have to find another partner?" Kara pulled them through the moment.
"Yes." Lena stood and went to the island, refilling her glass as she returned, and set the bottle on the coffee table. "All of my supplies are already there. It would cost a fortune to ship them back or to one of my European facilities. Luckily, they are creating one piece of a larger product that will be assembled in the United States. I was hoping to move forward with this partnership to the point of sharing complete designs for production and distribution there."
"Do you have anyone in mind?"
Lena hummed, took another smaller sip of wine. "I do, but I don't want to go to Japan to finalize the contract." She sighed heavily and leaned back into the corner of the sofa. Dark hair fell over her shoulders and framed her pale face and neck. Lena pushed a hand through it, scratching a little so it fell in pieces back to her shoulder.
"Supergirl stopped by," she said as she set her wine down and lifted a container of food from the bag.
"Oh?" Kara opened the pizza box and snagged a slice, filled her mouth so she didn't say something stupid.
"Did you send her again?" Lena asked, still not quite looking at her.
"Is that okay?"
Lena opened the container, revealing some sort of grilled chicken, steamed broccoli, and wild rice. Kara felt sorry for her food allergies; they missed the best parts of the food world. Lena took the container into the kitchen and put it on the island as she collected a plate, fork, and cloth napkin from the cabinets and drawers. Kara watched, not surprised that she remembered where everything was. When Lena returned, she kicked off her heels and spread the napkin over her lap.
"There is no simple answer to that question," she said and met Kara's eyes with a steady gaze. It wasn't angry, but there were noticeable emotions she kept checked behind her thoughtful words and calm demeanor.
"Okay."
"I don't mind that you want to check up on me, but I do not want Supergirl to act as liaison when you feel uncomfortable and wish to avoid confrontation." Lena speared a piece of broccoli and brought it to her mouth.
"I can do that." Kara took another bite of pizza. They ate in comfortable silence. Kara tried to keep her eyes on the pizza and not on Lena, but she wasn't very successful. Every time, Lena looked back, confident in her gaze where Kara faltered and looked away.
"I feel like I used you last night," Kara said and wiped greasy fingers on her jogging pants.
"I knew what I agreed to, Kara. I don't believe there were no emotions attached to it, but you were clear about the intention. That was enough."
They let that linger between them as they ate. There was so much more to be said, but at least they'd started somewhere. And Lena had come to her. She'd needed comfort and a safe place to unwind, and she'd chosen Kara. It felt nice, to be needed in a way that hadn't risked her life or required any sort of sacrifice except an evening alone with the television and pizza.
"Want me to ask Supergirl to fly you to Japan? Much faster and more pleasant than a plane."
Lena laughed and set her plate on the coffee table. She dabbed around her mouth with the brown cloth napkin and placed it back over her lap.
"As pleasant as that sounds, I do believe sending one of the United States' most dangerous weapons into foreign lands on a social call might trigger an international incident." The tone was light, playful. Lena smiled and lifted her wine to her lips. Still, it sat in the air, uncomfortable and mean, like a rattle snake coiled to strike.
"You think Supergirl is a dangerous government weapon?" Kara asked.
"Oh, Kara, of course not. I simply meant… I… I meant that Supergirl is much like I am in the eye of the public. Such power and intelligence and drive, it scares people when they don't understand the person wielding it," Lena explained. Kara relaxed. Lena refilled her wine glass.
"Another glass and Supergirl will have to take you home," Kara joked. Lena shrugged and took a languid pull of the wine, her lipstick blending with the deep red color.
"Why don't you call her and ask her to come over?" Lena suggested and raised an eyebrow. A jolt pulsed in Kara's chest, and she took a drink of her own wine to cover the shock of the question. Lena's cheeks and neck were flushed, and she smiled a little more amorously than Lena had allowed since they'd reconnected.
"It's been a long day, Lena. Want to watch Netflix?" Kara asked because she needed to not talk.
She needed to not see how much the alcohol unveiled Lena's desire for her. She needed Lena to stop looking at her with the smile she'd discovered Lena reserved only for her. She needed to think and keep a healthy physical distance between them. She needed to take Lena home and tuck her into bed and respect her while she was intoxicated.
She needed to not be alone.
"You can stay if you want. You still have some clothes here."
"You haven't burned them yet?" Lena asked, smirking.
Kara chuckled and fiddled with her glasses. "I wouldn't do that. They're still in your drawer."
Lena finished the glass of wine. Her third? Fourth? At least half the bottle. It must have been an extraordinarily stressful day. last night probably hadn't helped. She should have answered Lena's texts. If someone had treated her that way, Kara would have been frothing at the mouth. Lena stood, teetering a little before finding her balance. She disappeared behind the partition, and Kara let out a chest-caving breath, reaching for the remote.
"Kara," Lena called, softly. Hesitant, like she feared Kara wouldn't answer.
"Yeah?"
"Will you help me?"
Kara chewed her lower lip. She heard Lena stumble into the dresser. They'd danced this dance before. Lena had a few too many glasses of wine and lacked the coordination to get out of her fancy dresses. She only imagined how many expensive outfits she'd ruined by sleeping in them all night before they'd met. Kara pushed off the sofa and approached the partition like there was a scared animal around the corner. It was only Lena, she chided herself. She had the self-control to unzip one dress.
Yeah, she thought. Just as she'd had the control for one dance.
Breath held, she rounded the partition and found Lena reaching behind her with both arms, one over her shoulder and the other underneath. Both grasped for the zipper just out of reach. Kara stepped close enough to touch her hands. Lena relaxed and dropped them to her sides. Kara let them slip through her fingers and stood there staring at the zipper like Kryptonite. Lena was more powerful than Kryptonite. Lena wasn't only a weakness, she was a drug. Kara needed to protect her because if anyone tried to use Lena against her, she'd have given them anything they wanted if they spared her. The DEO, her powers, Superman's real identity: none of it meant anything compared to Lena. With shaking hands, she touched the zipper and pulled it to Lena's lower back and let her hands fall limp against her thighs.
"You can touch me, Kara," Lena whispered. She turned. The dress tumbled over her shoulders, hung loose on her arms just above her elbows. A simple black bra covered the pale flesh of her breasts. Kara flexed her hands but kept them under control of the smarter half of her brain.
"You're drunk," Kara said.
Lena nodded and turned back to the dresser. It had been their consent system. More than two glasses at dinner, and they had agreed to not have sex. Lena upheld the agreement more easily, it seemed, than Kara that night. Kara stepped forward and trailed her fingertips down Lena's spine. Her breath touched her hand, Lena's back. The flesh pimpled with arousal.
"I'm just going to unhook your bra," Kara said. Lena nodded again and pulled her hair over one shoulder.
"It's alright, Kara," Lena whispered. Her voice was thick with the effects of the wine, and it hit a deeper tone, slower but no less sure.
Kara wrapped bother hands around her shoulders, pressed a kiss to the back of her neck. Lena shivered, shifting her weight against Kara's mouth and hands, trusting Kara to hold her upright. It went no further. Kara held her mouth in that spot at the base of Lena's neck. She closed her eyes and inhaled the hint of perfume and sweat. Lena covered both of her hands, keeping them on her shoulders in a tight grip.
"Kara, I can't do this. You have given me a million reasons to walk away from you and not a single one to stay. I can't go back and forth like this every day. It hurts too much." Kara lifted her mouth and stepped back, missing the warmth of Lena's bare skin. Lena let her hands slip away easily. No, Lena wasn't going to keep pulling her back forever.
"I'm sorry," Kara said. Lena glanced over her shoulder, half-turned, holding her dress over her chest with both hands. Kara dropped her gaze to her hands wringing painfully in front of her belly. She forced them to her sides and looked at Lena, disheveled and tipsy and flushed and begging Kara to let her in with those big green eyes.
"My life is..."
"Complicated, yes, I know. You have convinced yourself that you are the only person with something to lose in this relationship, Kara. I'm a Luthor, for god's sake. I understand complicated situations. Your adoptive family is a walk in the bloody park compared to mine. I'm not asking for your hand in marriage. I just want you to say something that's real."
"Real." Kara stepped into her space and gripped her shoulders. Without her heels, Lena stood a few inches shorter, and she tipped her head up the look into Kara's eyes. "I have an amazing life and a family who loves me even if they have flawed ways of expressing it. I'm at the beginning of a great career that is only gaining speed. I have loyal friends. I'm a cute woman with blonde hair and blues eyes. I literally have the entire American Dream in a nutshell." Kara ground her teeth together and sucked in a quivering breath. "I have everything, and the only time I don't want to die is when I'm with you. I need more time to figure out what that means."
"Kara." Her name fell from Lena's lips in a puff of air. Either from the wine or the shock, Lena couldn't hide her reaction to the words. Kara spun her around and moved the clasps of her bra and turned away before she overthought the moment, retreating to the sofa.
When Lena reappeared, she wore a pair of short, baggy shorts and one of Kara's oversized long-sleeved shirts. They looked at each other for a long time before Lena rounded the end of the sofa. She sat and tipped to the side, laying her head in Kara's lap without looking up at her. The superhero gripped the back and arm of the sofa until she feared she would rip the fabric.
"Is this alright?" Lena asked.
Kara eased her fingers from the couch and pulled the blanket from the back, covering Lena as far as she could reach. She hit play on a Criminal Minds episode and tried to relax. Kara found the plot lines a little disconcerting, but Lena loved the show and knew most of the real-life cases and serial killers it referenced. Sometimes she shared that knowledge with Kara, but she mostly kept it to herself. The mere thought of psychopaths freaked Kara out. It shouldn't have given her secret identity, but she ultimately believed in the good in people. A psychopath wasn't really given the option of good from what she understood. Not all of them became serial killers, but they never knew empathy or love, not really. It was sad. It made her sad for Lena because she'd lived in a house full of them as a person who understood and exercised empathy daily. Lena hadn't explained her love of the show, but Kara assumed it was some sort of morbid fascination to understand the minds of the people she wanted desperately to love.
Kara touched Lena's hair. She ran her fingers through it, scratched at her scalp. Lena hummed, eyes fluttering. She gave this to Lena. She gave her a safe place to sleep for one night, warmth and comfort and friendship. If she were being honest, Lena gave that to her, too, and she drifted off for the first time in days.