Title: Love Will Remember
Cover art by: mehtiification
Rating: strong T
A/N: So I'm back ;) Once again I didn't manage to update on Saturday like I had planned to, but at least the new chapter is here now :D Like I said in the AN of chapter 5, this chapter is mostly dealing with what Jay has been up to after Erin left the district, although it starts right after they leave the locker room and go on their little tour, so you'll get to see things from Jay's perspective as well. It also includes some Jay/Erin moments, the Jay/Voight talk in Voight's office and you'll finally find out who was at the door ;) Thanks again to the people who favorite and follow this story, as well as Josie92, xLoVexBubblesx, Natasha2Tata, Michnkicks, LILYPADROX, NALEY23alwaysforever, coffeebeanner, ShimmerShimmerx, masalinstead and the two guest reviewers for your kind reviews! As always I'm sorry for any mistakes (spelling or otherwise) and I hope you enjoy reading!
P.S.: I want to dedicate this chapter to one of my closest friends, mehtiification! Happy belated birthday, dearie :) Thx for encouraging me to write this story, for continuing to read it and telling me your thoughts, despite the fact that you don't even watch the show ;)
P.P.S.: Thanks again to 22Shay22 for your awesome feedback and input! I really appreciate your help. It's always nice to have a second opinion on things and you manage to make me notice things I would've overlooked otherwise.
Disclaimer: I do not own Chicago PD, its characters or any dialogue you recognize from the show, nor do I own the rights to Uncover by Zara Larsson. Also the quote about the eyes being the mirror of the soul I used is from Manuscript found in Accra by Paulo Coelho, although I altered it slightly to make it fit better.
Chapter 7: (Nobody Sees) Nobody Knows
January 2014
Meeting Sergeant Trudy Platt had been interesting to say the least. Jay had to give it to the woman that she had stood her ground and seemed to be taking no nonsense from anyone, as far as he'd noticed.
Trying to figure out Erin Lindsay proved to be a far more difficult task than coming to the conclusions he had reached about the desk sergeant.
He tried to pay close attention to what Erin was saying while they made their way around the district, but his thoughts kept going back to the first time he had seen her that morning in Voight's office and how all color had seemed to drain from her cheeks when she'd registered his presence.
Thinking back to the day they had last seen each other, Jay couldn't remember doing anything that would have warranted her reacting so violently to the two of them being in the same room.
Shaking his head and deciding now was neither the time nor the place to think about it, he tuned in back to Erin's explanations just in time to catch her saying that they were about to reach the tech room.
Still not fully aware of what was happening around him, he almost ran into her when she stopped in front of a door, knocking two times to let the person in charge of manning the room know someone was there.
A few short minutes later Jay found himself deeply engaged in conversation with Detective Sheldon Jin, the tech expert of the Intelligence Unit, while secretly stealing glances at Erin, who seemed to be bored by the topic of their current discussion and, judging by her stiffened posture and tense shoulders, wanting to be anywhere else but in this room with them.
Sensing Erin's discomfort and the uneasiness that was radiating off of her in waves, Jay decided to cut their visit short. After having exchanged phone numbers, he promised to catch up with Jin later on in the week over a couple of beers, before he took Erin by the elbow and guided her out of the room.
If she wasn't comfortable with him touching her, she didn't show it, but as soon as they had left Jin's presence and were out in the relative safety of the secluded hallway leading up to the tech room, she pulled her arm from his grasp and glared at him.
"I don't remember telling you it was ok for you to touch me," she huffed indignantly, still fixing him with a disapproving stare.
He looked at her taken aback by her sudden change in behavior and was about to say something when she beat him to it.
"I'm sorry," she breathed out, "it's just I thought we'd come to an understanding about keeping things professional and I can't have you touching me whenever you feel like it. People are not stupid, Jay; especially not the people working in this unit. Sooner or later they will realize something's going on and they'll start asking questions. Questions we don't want to have to answer, because we know what happens if the truth were to get out."
She looked at him pointedly, trying to get her point across, that it would be him and not her that would have to leave the unit if things went south and Voight discovered the truth about their real first encounter.
"Relax," Jay chuckled, "…nobody sees and nobody knows. Besides it was completely innocent; I was barely even touching you. Also, I don't remember you telling me I needed an invitation for doing it. In fact I recall that the last time I touched you," he smirked, enjoying the way a blush crept onto her face at his emphasizing of the word 'touch', "you seemed to be really into what I was doing to you, judging by the look on your face and the sounds you made while I was doing it."
Not giving her a chance to reply, he turned around and began walking back the way they had come; at least he hoped it was the way leading back to the main area of the district.
He was glad that Erin caught up to him after he'd only managed to take a few steps and immediately took the lead, but not before narrowing her eyes at him, muttering, "You seem to have an overactive imagination, why don't you use it to figure out how to get back to your desk on your own."
Barely being able to keep up with her, after she had suddenly adjusted her pace so that she was almost running the way back up to the district's ground floor, he managed to ask, "Oh? So that wasn't you who wouldn't stop screaming at the top of her lungs then, practically begging me to go harder and faster? My neighbors even approached me about it the following day."
The last question had Erin stopping dead in her tracks. "You never told me you got a noise complaint from your neighbors," she said, looking at him accusingly. The still fresh blush on her face only intensifying at his unintentional admission.
"Well, I might have exaggerated the last part a bit," he confessed, adding "… it was only one of my neighbors. The one with whom I shared a bedroom wall at the time and it most definitely wasn't a complaint."
He risked stealing a glance at her and found the look on her face turning from ashamed to downright mortified, but decided to continue his explanation, knowing full well that she wouldn't like what she was about to hear.
"…and I thought you'd appreciate not hearing about how the girl I got it on with, according to my neighbor, managed to make his night with her loud moans and screams of pleasure. He even said 'Dude, her voice sounded like that of a real life porn star. Is it always that raspy or does that only happen during sex?' Instead of telling you about it, I opted for doing the gentleman thing: punching him in the face for making a comment like that and threatening to do it again if he ever talked about you that way again."
Erin looked at him equal parts horrified and disgusted. "So he not only heard us, well me, but decided to what… get off to it?"
Although it was posed as a question, Erin knew by the look on Jay's face and his earlier comment about making the other guy's night that her assumption had been right and she'd hit the nail right on the head.
"I hope you broke his nose," she said, shuddering at the thought of some creep listening to her having sex while being on his way to his own happy ending.
Not wanting to continue the conversation, she looked at him with determination in her eyes, ready to tell him once again that they couldn't keep doing this. That bringing up the past wouldn't do them any good and that a repeat of their shared night could and, more importantly, would not be happening. That there was too much at stake, with them working together, Voight finding out and the risk of Jay finding out about something — more specifically, someone else, before she was ready to tell him about them.
Feeling her eyes on him and seeing her mouth open, Jay just stared at her intently, hoping to stop her from saying whatever it was she was about to say, sensing that he wouldn't like it.
He watched her opening and closing her mouth, no sound coming out, fully aware of the war that was going on inside her head, because it was reflected in her eyes.
'Your eyes are the mirror of your soul, Jay. They reflect everything that seems to be hidden deep inside of you, tucked away for no one to see. Never forget that,' he remembered his mom telling him when he was younger and thought that it had never been more accurate than in that moment when Erin offered him a glimpse into her soul and mind by just looking at him.
He gave her another one of his charming smiles, "How about we talk about something else, like for example how you're planning to welcome me into the unit properly. I didn't see a cake this morning, so I hope there'll at least be donuts when I come to work tomorrow morning."
"Keep on dreaming, Halstead," Erin chuckled and rewarded him with a small grateful smile of her own, acknowledging that she appreciated his attempt to lighten the mood and him not mentioning her little gaping-like-a-fish incident, before rounding a corner, effectively putting a stop to their conversation and leading them back into the busy entrance hall of District 21.
About an hour later, Jay was bored out of his mind. He had already accomplished all of his tasks for the day — he had filled out his paper work and had given it to Platt, who had barely spared him so much as a glance and just waved him off dismissively. At least she hadn't thrown another insult at him, so that was a small progress, at least in his eyes.
Going on a coffee run afterwards had not proven to be as helpful in distracting him from letting his mind wander to Erin and her motivation for being all hot and cold with him, ever since she'd stepped food in Voight's office that morning, as he'd thought.
On the contrary, it had only provided him with more time to think about her and that was why he couldn't stop himself from looking over at the brunette every so often and hoped that she would provide him with some kind of clue as to what was going on inside her head.
Jay knew she was aware that he was watching her and he had just decided to take a trip to the break room in hopes of her getting the hint and following him inside. He wanted them to have another chance to talk — maybe he could suggest they met up somewhere outside the district after she would be done for the day, so that they would get to have a conversation without having to fear someone from the unit might overhear them — when Hank Voight stuck his head out of his office and requested Erin join him.
Jay was a little disappointed, but quickly forgot about it when Erin's cell phone started ringing and he noticed her demeanor changing once again, after she'd taken a look at the caller ID.
His eyes followed her when she got up and made her way towards the break room to get some privacy, only dropping down back onto his desk after the door had been closed and the blinds were obstructing his view.
When the door opened again, only a minute later, she seemed to have gotten bad news, which was evident by the distraught look on her face and her tense posture, but she still walked straight inside their boss's office to talk to him.
Jay's curiosity got the better off him and he strained his ears to hear any words that might make their way through the thin walls of the office and travel across the bullpen. He could make out Erin's raised voice, but her words were muffled and he couldn't make sense of what she was saying. Finally, he gave up and just waited for her to return to her desk.
The young detective didn't have to wait for long until the doors to Hank Voight's office flew open once again and his new partner marched out, coming directly over to his desk.
Trying to look busy, he scribbled something on a blank piece of paper lying in front of him, hoping she wouldn't bring up that he'd been staring at her for the better part of the last hour.
Approximately five minutes later Jay was standing in front of his sergeant's desk, who had motioned for him to take a seat, which Jay had politely declined, but seeing the look in Voight's eyes he decided maybe submittal was the better strategy and sank down on the chair positioned opposite his boss's desk.
Not sure how to proceed, Jay waited for Voight to say something first, but the sergeant seemed content sitting in his chair, watching him. It instantly had the desired effect of making Jay feel uncomfortable, although he managed to not let his nervousness show. He was ex-military after all — being stared down by a superior was not an uncommon occurrence.
Voight seemed to be getting tired of the staring contest fairly soon anyways and Jay watched him pulling a gun and a badge out of the bottom drawer of his desk, laying it down on the wooden surface of the piece of furniture separating them.
"Here's your badge and gun. I hope I won't regret making you a part of this unit, Halstead." Looking at him meaningfully, Voight made sure Jay knew that he was serious.
Jay nodded in response and reached for the items placed in front of him, when the older man held out his hand, effectively stopping Jay's movement in its tracks.
"I'd like to say something else before you take these," pausing for effect, Voight narrowed his eyes at him, "This unit — the unit you only got in because Antonio vouched for you and because your skill set could prove to be useful in the future — is not just a team of people who work together on a daily basis. It is a family. A family who respects each other and trusts each other to have their back, be it out in the field or back here, twenty-four/seven. To be a member of this family you have to earn trust and show your respect by being honest, paying attention to the rules set and not breaking them. If there is anything you'd like to tell me, there's no time like the present."
Jay knew Voight would probably not only kick him out of the unit but out of the district as well if he ever got to know that the young detective had slept with his partner, so he opted to stay silent and shook his head no.
"Alright then," Voight didn't seem pleased by Jay's refusal to take his bait and changed his tactics, "Since Erin won't be in for the next few days, you'll be partnered up with Detective Olinsky for the time being, but I expect you to start watching her back the second she gets back here - nothing more, nothing less, understood?"
"Yes, sir," Jay replied, surprised that Erin's sudden leave would be more permanent than she'd made it out to be. He was itching to ask why she wouldn't be coming in, but was worried that he might overstep some kind of invisible boundary by asking Voight and not Erin herself.
Sensing Jay wanted to ask something, but was hesitant about voicing his question, Voight gave him an impatient look, "Just spit it out, Halstead."
"Is Er…, um Detective Lindsay, is she ok?" he questioned, barely managing to avoid using the nickname Erin had told him all those years ago.
"I thought I made myself clear earlier - Erin is off limits." Putting a little extra emphasis on her first name, Voight fixed Jay with a stare that would have even hardcore criminals running for the hills, but didn't seem to have any effect on Jay, who just shrugged and said, "And I thought as her partner you said I was supposed to have her back, I'm just looking out for her."
Voight was still suspicious of the ex-ranger seated in front of him. He hadn't missed his almost slip up with Erin's old nickname, but Jay had used his own words against him, so Voight decided to be the bigger person and give him at least some sort of explanation for Erin's absence, even if he thought that it was not any of Halstead's business.
"It's a family matter. She'll be fine. I'll see you here tomorrow morning, 8 o'clock. Don't be late."
Not wanting to test his luck with his new boss on his first day any further, Jay got the hint and got up, quickly taking hold of his new badge and gun, before making his way out of the office.
"Halstead—"
Not counting on Voight calling him back, Jay turned around in surprise. Voight didn't even bother looking up at him while simply saying, "Have a nice day."
Jay was glad that he was done for the day, Voight's little comment at the end of their latest conversation had really set him on edge and he wasn't sure whether the sergeant would ever get past his obvious dislike of him.
He sighed and grabbed his coat off his chair, giving the three remaining detectives a wave in goodbye and turned to walk down the stairs, when he heard Antonio calling for him to wait up.
"Hey," the senior detective said and put an arm around his shoulders in a friendly manner, "I'll walk you out."
Jay chuckled in response and the pair continued their way out of the building. They didn't say anything else until they had made it outside and were walking towards Jay's car.
"So, how do you like working in Intelligence so far?" Antonio asked curiously.
"I don't know," the younger detective admitted. "I mean, I've only spent a few hours here. Getting to know people and the hang of things will take some time. Plus, the only work I did today was filling out some forms, soo…" he trailed off, deciding to leave out the 'and having to deal with my partners attitude', so Antonio wouldn't suspect anything. It was bad enough Voight had it out for him - he didn't know how the brother of his ex-girlfriend would react to the news that Jay not only had been in a relationship with his baby sister, but also had slept with what seemed to be his new boss's favorite student.
Antonio laughed, "Yeah just be glad you weren't here a few days ago, it was pretty rough man. I'm glad I get to go home early today and can finally spend some quality time with my family."
"How are Laura and the kids?" Jay inquired, his mood lifting while he thought about Eva and Diego. Antonio was a lucky man.
"They are doing great, just missing their husband and dad."
"That's good," Jay said, nodding absentmindedly, already thinking about getting his running clothes out and going for a run to clear his mind, so he could come up with a plan how to best approach Erin about the talk they needed to have.
He wasn't sure if he was ready to talk about what had happened to him in Afghanistan, but he owed her an explanation and from what she'd said to him earlier, it seemed that she also needed to talk to him about something, even if she didn't seem quite ready to share it with him yet.
"Jay?"
Realizing he had spaced out, Jay turned his attention back to the man in front of him.
"Sry, Tony. What did you want to know?"
"I just wanted to know if you're alright, you were checked out for a minute. Got something on your mind?"
"No. It's just, what's the deal with Voight? Is he always like that?" Jay asked, the 'or is it just because he doesn't like me,' left unspoken.
"Don't worry, as long as you stay out of his way and don't break any of his rules, you should be fine," Antonio smirked and clapped his friend on the shoulder.
"Although if I were you, I'd quit staring at Erin every chance I get. Makes you seem like a creepy stalker." The corner of his mouth lifted up as he added, "even if she's just as bad as you." Antonio tried and failed to suppress a laugh, seeing a look of guilt flashing across Jay's face, resembling that of a little boy who had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar by one of his parents.
"You know, I just remembered I didn't feed my dog this morning, I gotta go."
Turning around and hurrying the last few steps towards his car, he left Antonio standing in the parking lot, shouting, "I didn't know you even liked dogs much less that you owned one! How come you've never mentioned this to me before?"
Jay just waved at him, pretending to not have heard any of the things being yelled at him and got into his car, slamming the door shut while letting out a sigh of relief after having escaped his friend and his nosy questions.
Sometimes Antonio was too observant for his own good and Jay shouldn't have expected any less from a man who worked in a unit that was under the leadership of Hank Voight who seemed to have his eyes and ears everywhere. Especially in places where they were not wanted.
The drive back to his apartment had been uneventful and Jay was glad that he would have the rest of the day to himself. Maybe he could make a quick stop at the gym after he'd be getting back from his run, he hadn't done much to stay in shape after his last undercover assignment had ended and he'd been shot.
Quickly changing from his street clothes into his sports gear, he grabbed his keys, leaving his newly acquired badge and gun as well as his wallet and phone at home, not wanting to carry the unnecessary weight with him, and left his apartment.
He had just rounded the corner, when he spotted one of his neighbors, an elderly lady, Mrs. Wolowitz, struggling to open her door while holding onto a bag of groceries.
He hurried over and grabbed the bag just before it fell down to the floor, managing to avoid having it spill its contents all over the floor.
Mrs. Wolowitz threw a thankful look his way and unlocked her door, motioning for Jay to follow her inside where they were instantly greeted by a little brown ball of fur dancing around their legs in happiness.
Jay had barely had time to close the door in order to prevent the second inhabitant of the apartment, who was currently waggling her tail and looking up at him with her big chocolate brown eyes expectantly, from running out into the hallway and causing mayhem.
"Oh Cinnamon, don't be a bother, come over here you little sneak and don't go begging for treats," the old lady admonished her dog and made her way over to the kitchen, Jay and Cinnamon both following after her.
"You're a life-saver, dear," Mrs. Wolowitz told him when Jay set the bag down on the kitchen table and started unpacking the groceries, so they could be stored away properly.
"Could I convince you to do me one more favor?" she asked hopefully, using almost the exact same look on him that her dog had used minutes before.
"Sure," he said, nodding his head to reassure her that he really didn't mind.
"Could you take Cinnamon out for a walk? My feet are killing me today and my son and his wife are out of town, otherwise I would've asked them."
"It would really mean a lot and you know that she's a fast runner. She'd surely be able to match whatever pace you set," she added, after having taken in his dressing attire for the first time.
Jay didn't even have to think about it for a second - he loved the little dog and never turned down an opportunity to spent time with her. He hadn't known just how much he'd missed taking her out for a walk, whenever his neighbor wasn't feeling up to doing it herself or was visiting her second son and his family who lived in Canada.
As long as he'd been undercover he'd not been able to spent time at his apartment and had told Mrs. Wolowitz, that he was going on vacation, visiting his brother in New York.
"Oh, I've been meaning to ask you. How was your vacation? It must've been great seeing your brother, after not having had a chance to for years."
Jay felt a twinge of guilt at having lied to his neighbor and also because he hadn't even called Will to let him now that he was back from his undercover assignment and had started a new job.
"Yeah it was really nice," he said and hoped she would refrain from asking him anymore questions about his trip.
Picking up on Jay's uneasiness, Mrs. Wolowitz didn't continue her line of questioning, but instead picked up Cinnamon's leash and handed it to him.
The little dog barked excitedly when she saw Jay bending down with her leash in his hand and started trying to pull him towards the front door as soon as he'd connected it to her collar.
Her attempts proved to be futile given the fact that she was too small and weak to provide a real challenge for the about six-foot-tall detective.
Bidding goodbye to Cinnamon's owner, Jay made his way out of the apartment. The little dog was hot on his heels when he walked down the stairs and out of the apartment complex he lived in.
When he returned about 2 hours later, the Yorkshire terrier was fast asleep in his arms. He had really managed to tire her out, but Jay himself didn't feel much better. His lungs burned and his bones ached. He really should've started out on a slower pace after not having trained for such a long period of time.
Luckily Mrs. Wolowitz seemed to have used her two hours of solitude well and was quick to open her door when Jay knocked, thanking him for always helping her out and taking the sleeping animal from his arms, so that Jay was free to take out his keys and unlock the door of his own apartment.
Once he'd stepped inside, he dropped his keys on the small coffee table in his living room, stripped out of his jogging gear and took a quick shower to allow his aching body at least some sort of relief.
Putting on some comfortable shorts and a hoodie, he settled down on his couch and ordered some Chinese takeout, he wasn't in the mood to cook and Chinese sounded like a great idea.
While waiting for his meal to arrive, he turned on the TV and flipped through the channels. Not being able to settle on one of them though, still thinking about Erin and the best strategy to approach her about having a talk outside of the district.
By the time the food had arrived, Jay had decided that he'd call up Jin and ask him to find out Erin's address for him. That way he could stop by her place and talk to her in an environment that she felt more comfortable in, so she'd be less likely to shoot him down.
He wasn't sure if Jin would do it and as suspected it took Jay bribing Jin with free beer for the rest of the month and denying his involvement in the whole thing if Erin were to ask him about who'd given Jay her address.
Satisfied, Jay scribbled down the details on a piece of paper and finished eating his food.
Deciding he could try and watch some more TV to calm his nerves before making his way over across town to go and talk to his partner, Jay finally managed to settle on a channel that was showing a documentary about wild animals and their hunting behavior.
He hadn't watched more than ten minutes, when he felt his eyes starting to droop and he thought that getting some shut eye, so he would be well rested before facing Erin, couldn't hurt, allowing his eyelids to flutter closed and being pulled under in a dreamless sleep.
It was already dark outside, when Jay stirred a few hours later and he cursed when he took a look at his watch, scrambling to his feet, dumping the takeout containers in the trash and making his way over to his bedroom to change.
He accomplished getting ready and getting a six pack of beer out of the fridge in under five minutes and made his way down towards his car. The piece of paper reading Erin's address safely stored away in the left pocket of his coat.
The drive across town had felt shorter than he'd anticipated it would and before he knew it he was nervously standing outside the door of apartment 310, debating whether it had really been the brightest idea to show up at her door step at 10 at night, unannounced.
He wouldn't begrudge her if she were to open her door and close it straight in his face or if she decided to not open it at all.
Getting ready to leave and just wait until she'd return to work to approach her, he changed his mind again and raised his fist to knock on her door lightly.
After there was no response for a couple of minutes, he tried again, knocking more insistently this time, resulting in the door swinging open quickly, startling him, fist still raised midair, prepared to knock again.
There she was, standing in front of him in all her disheveled glory, her hair still tussled and clothes rumpled from sleep.
"What are you doing here?" were the first words leaving her mouth and Jay's greeting instantly died on his tongue.
Gulping heavily after taking in the surprised and slightly annoyed look on her face, he decided offense was his best defense. He picked up the beer he had put down on the floor a few minutes earlier so that it wouldn't get in the way while he was knocking on her door, and held it out in front of him as a peace offering.
"Can we talk? I brought beer."