Smack. Crash. Bam. Oooh, is that another smack? Ten pointer! I could seriously be the next major league baseball pitcher. If only I could name one…At this very instant, I am throwing random miscellaneous objects at my television screen. Why you may ask. Well, at this moment, Mr. Mario Lopez himself is telling everyone watching national television about my "drinking habit". Not to mention, all the gossip rags I subscribe to have my face on them! That is so not how I imagined my cover of InTouch. At least US Weekly and People have the sense to talk about Angelina Jolie or something. Those are the only two magazines that publish the truth. It's true! No pun intended.
I pick up the nearest copy of Ok! and reread the article of lies about me. On the cover is a huge blown-up pixelized picture of Eve and me learning forward with huge smiles on our faces. Not to mention, our non-alcoholic drinks are in our hands, looking mighty frosty and delicious.
" BELL BLACK: LESSONS FROM UNCLE SHANE?: Cookie-cutter sweet Gellar Cruises heiress, Bell Black, has been caught in a scandal at last! Early afternoon last week in the backyard of the Black residence, Bell was caught with an unidentified friend holding what appears to be an alcoholic drink. This leaves questions to her faithful fans: Is 15 year-old Bell Black an alcoholic? And why are her parents, former music legends Caitlyn and Nate Black just sitting around in the background? Well one thing is for sure, you've got 6 years to go, Bell .
Not to mention, she seems to be wearing a rather indecent bikini for a girl of her age. Sources claim "Caitlyn doesn't give a shit what her daughter wears. Bell can get away with any choice of clothing and she knows it". This has been the first time Bell has stepped out in this type of attire, but the real question is, what else has she been doing behind closed doors?
In the recently released photograph, both Bell and her friend's eyes seem red and bloodshot. Another nasty habit? You've got too much ahead of you, little girl. Don't waste your days late night partying. A family friend, Carol, says "She gets the booze from Shane [Gray]'s stash"
About 15 years ago, Shane Gray, front man of former pop-rock band Connect 3 (which included Bell 's father Nate), fell into a deep spiral of depression, drugs, and alcohol after his band became too corporate for his liking. Soon after, he met Michelle Torres, who seemed to have tamed him for a while. But a mysterious infidelity scandal caused them to split a couple years after their marriage. Could it be that Shane has relapsed and dragged little neglected Bell with him?
Prior to this incident, Bell Black has been living peacefully and scandal free in Bel-Air, California. The Gellar Cruises heiress and daughter of music legends Caitlyn and Nate Black enjoys ballroom dancing and hopes to reach national standards. What does the future hold for Bell? "
Argh! This is preposterous. First of all, I didn't "release" those pictures, they broke into my property and stole them. That violates like ten different laws! And, I do not have a partying or alcohol addiction. Everyone knows that chlorine in pools are not good for your eyes. Duh. And Uncle Shane isn't my alcohol dealer. He'd tell my parents ASAP. How dare they call my parents ignorant fools! And, I don't even know a Carol!
Just then, my dad comes down the stairs. "Oh Bell. Don't read or watch that crap. Mommy and I will fix it soon. Promise" he says as he gently takes the magazine out of my hand and changes the channel to Jeopardy.
"Super promise?" I whimper as Alex Trebec grills a nerdy looking librarian named Josephine Neaux. Haha, imagine if she married someone named Lyfe. She'd be Mrs. No Life.
"Super promise. We already have a statement ready to be released in about an hour," he says.
"Okay. Cool. Can I fax it to the publicist?" I ask. I want to solve this myself.
"Sure thing honey," he says and hands me a piece of Gellar Cruises stationary with the statement on it. My dad is very in touch with our cruises. I dash up the stairs to the study and punch in my dad's publicist's number. All done and sent! Soon, everything will be a-okay. Right?
I wander around the house until an evening edition of E! News comes on.
" Bell Black seems to have redeemed herself. Fresh off the press, the Black publicist has released a statement regarding the recent photo scandal involving Bell and an unidentified friend with so called alcoholic drinks. The statement says, "The lies the media has spread about the Black family are absolutely fabricated. Bell is in no way, shape or form, an alcoholic, drug addict, or wild child. She has never touched a drop of alcohol in her life. Caitlyn and Nate believe in strong morals and values in raising their children and they are most definitely not neglecting their little princess. Bell has been living her life the way she has for 15 years and would like to continue it. Caitlyn, Nate, and Bell ask for their privacy in this dark time," So now you've heard it folks, little Bell Black is indeed a chip off the innocent block. No worries for this young heiress. Let's hope she can continue her adolescence without anymore trauma. This has been Elise Gore, good night"
Well I'm glad someone believes me, even if it is dumb as rocks Elise Gore. People never really know what these scandals are like until you're in one. Is this what Paris and Britney feel like? Is this why my parents left Hollywood? So I would never endure something like this? Well it didn't work, mom and dad. So why don't we just go back into showbiz? Maybe they'll take me seriously then. Because I am no force to be reckoned with.