Chapter Six

There was a pirate sitting on the throne of Asgard.

At least, Tony assumed it was a pirate. He did have an eyepatch. And a beard. And long, flowing hair, like Thor's. Plus, the woman sitting to his right was pretty fine. Only an old master of the seven seas could have enough swag to have a wife that pretty.

Conclusion: pirate.

Thor's dad was a pirate. OK, Tony was jealous. He had always wanted a pirate for a dad. Well, you could argue that Howard Stark was something of pirate, the way he went around destroying the competition and being a businessy badass, but Tony had wanted a legit pirate dad. One with an eyepatch. Like this guy. Yep, it was official - Tony was adopting this guy as his new dad.

New Dad narrowed cleared his throat and narrowed his eye at them expectantly. Almost instantaneously, Tony felt his heart drop - he'd had this new father for less than ten seconds, and the guy was already disappointed in him. Just like his real dad. Jeesh, couldn't he get a break.

Soon, the pirate was glaring very openly at all of them as if their mere presence insulted him. Had they done something wrong already? Tony glanced around, looking at the other Avenger's faces. Carter and Bruce looked just as confused as he was, Clint was ogling the pirate's wife, Natasha and Logan clearly didn't give a flip, and Steve and Thor... wait, where were Steve and Thor? Hadn't Steve been right beside him?

Tony jumped when he felt something tug at his pants. Looking down and expecting to see some sort of freaky, giant Asgardian spider, he was surprised when he saw none other than Captain America glaring up at him.

"Guys," Steve hissed through clenched teeth. "Kneel."

Kneel? Why would they kneel? Oh, yeah. Not only was Thor's dad a pirate, but he was also 'the most powerful person in all the realms'. And a king. Well. This was awkward.

Logan, who was on the other side of Steve, shrugged. "Not my king."

A murmur of agreement ran through the group, and, ever the peacekeeper, Steve stood, holding his hands out apologetically. "Your majesty - I apologize for the behavior of my friends. They... they..." Steve trailed off, unable to come up with a good excuse for everyone's behavior.

"They are fine warriors, Father," Thor said, standing up from his kneel. "But their manners... are lacking."

Tony felt his mouth drop and his eyes go wide. "You bought forty-five thousand dollars worth of crap with my money and you have the nerve to talk to me about manners?"

"You knocked over my lab table a destroyed all of my research," Bruce added. "And then asked me to make you a sandwich."

"You walked in on me and Tasha having sex," Clint said accusatorially.

Before Tony could even do a spit-take (no water, just extra spit), Natasha rounded on the archer, her eyes blazing and her hands twitching at her sides, the way a cowboy's who was about to draw his gun and shoot would. "We have never sleep together."

Clint grinned easily, shaking his finger at her like she had a point. "Not yet we haven't."

"You -"

"Guys," Carter commented dryly as she eyed the soon to be murder-scene. "It'd be rude to get blood all over the king's floor. Kill each other when we're not in his royal highness's presence, OK?"

Natasha just stood there shaking, her knife drawn. As if it had just dawned on him that his life was in danger, Clint stepped 'casually' behind Thor, probably thinking that he was safer behind the huge wall of muscle, armor, and hammer.

Tony glanced back at Odin and his hot wife (Frigger? Frigggen? Some other words that sounds like you're trying really hard not to curse?), who were both staring at them with wide eyes and open mouths. Well whaddya know. It looked like they'd just traumatized a couple of royals.

Tony would have to remember to check 'Make the First Lady, the Queen of England, or any other uppity royal/important snob blush by doing/saying something sexual' off of his bucket list.

"Well." Odin cleared his throat. Being the composed leader that he was, he stood, opting to ignore their little display and carry on like it had never happened. "Welcome to Asgard, warriors. You come in a time of great need, and for your aide, I thank you. I am eternally grateful. Anything you request, anything you desire, you shall have it."

"Asgardian alcohol!" Tony blurted out at the same time Clint said "Give me your women" in his best Blues Brothers imitation. Again, the queen looked appalled, but Odin somehow managed to keep a calm look on his face.

He nodded and cleared his throat again. "There shall be a feast in your honor, Avengers of Midgard. The most exquisite food Asgard has to offer, the most delightful music and dancing, our famous mead, and, erm, Asgard's most eligible bachelorettes." He waved his hand awkwardly at the last thing on the list. "But first, Thor, if you would, introduce your friends to Lady Sif and the Warriors Three. They will follow you into battle, and will be your brothers in arms."

"Of course, Father." Thor bowed his head, then turned to face them all with a huge smile on his face. "Come, my new friends! Let me introduce you to my old friends!" He chuckled like he'd made some sort of joke, and lead them out of the throne room.

Logan fell in step with Tony, and the billionaire could help but ask out of the corner of his mouth, "Do you think he thinks he being clever?"

"I don't think he thinks in general."

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE

Steve thought she was one of the prettiest girls he had ever seen. He hated to admit it, but she might have been even prettier than Peggy. There was just something about the way her dark eyes sparkled, or how her pitch-black hair shone in the fading sunlight. She was beautiful.

With a fearsome battle cry, the kicked her opponent in the chest, sending him sprawling into the dirt with a sickening crack. Steve winced at the noise, but only felt his developing crush grow; he liked a girl who could fight for herself. He was pretty modern that way. Or, at last, it had been a modern notion. Nowadays it was kind of a standard.

"Sif," the blonde man on the ground wheezed as he struggled to his feet, "how necessary was it for you to brake my ribs?"

"You're more fragile than a school girl, Fandral," a fat, red-haired and bearded man chuckled. He looked away from his companion on the ground, and when he noticed the Avengers, his eyes grew comically round. "Thor! You've returned! And you've brought your comrades!" With surprising agility, he bounded over to them, still beaming. "Hello! I am Volstagg the Valiant." He gave them a little flourish of a bow.

A shorter Asian man crossed over and grimaced at them, bowing his head slightly by way of greeting. Volstagg let out a laugh. "This is Hogan the Grimm. Aptly named, as you can see." Leaning and getting to close for comfort, he whispered, "He doesn't talk much."

"No," Tony said, sarcasm simply dripping off of his words.

Volstagg, missing it, nodded intently. Then, a confused look crossed his face. "And where is Fandral?"

"Right here." The blond man appeared almost suddenly by Carter's side. Leering very openly at her, he sank to one knee and took her hand. "As my friend said, I am Fandral - the Dashing." After grinning, he kissed her hand. "And who might you be?"

Bruce stepped forward and smacked Fandral's hand away. "My wife."

"Yeah, and don't make him angry," Tony joked. "You wouldn't like him when he's angry."

Looking crestfallen, Fandral slumped his shoulders. Then, spying Natasha, his eyes lit up and another smirk crossed his face. Before he could even start to flirt with her, she looked at him and said, "No."

"What's the point of being so devilishly handsome if all the attractive women are otherwise engaged?" the warrior cried over dramatically.

Clint patted him on the back. "I feel ya, man."

"You're not as attractive as I am, but you are not totally repulsive. Perhaps you would like to assist me as I woo ladies tonight at the party? It would be so much easier if Lady Sif would put in a good word for me, but I suppose you'll do, archer. Oh! Speaking of Lady Sif! Come here and introduce yourself." Fandral gestured for the pretty warrior woman to come and join them.

She sauntered over, and Steve felt his face go hot when he noticed her hips swaying. Look at her face, look at her face, look at her beautiful, perfect face...

"I am the Lady Sif," she said simply. Her accent. She had a British accent. Steve liked British accents. Hers was deeper and more fluid than Peggy's and... and he liked that.

"I'm Steve Rogers," he blurted out, thrusting his hand towards her. She only looked at him, arching a dark eyebrow. After leaving it there for a moment, Steve retracted it and rubbed the back of his head, face burning.

The awakward silence that followed was broken by Tony (go figure) who offered, "I'm Tony Stark. You know, no big deal, but I'm kind of amazing."

"And humble," Carter replied. "I'm Carter Banner."

"Bruce Banner." The scientist looked very pointedly at Fandral, who held his hands up in self-defense.

Clint clapped the warrior on the back. "And I'm Clint Barton, this guy's new wingman!

"What's a wingman?"

Clint face-palmed.

"My name is Natasha Romanoff. The Black Widow. Do you know what a black widow does, Mr. 'Dashing'?"

Fandral, clearly unaware what it meant, only grinned. "I have some ideas, my la - "

"It seduces it's prey and then eats it." When he heard that, Fandral paled and edged closer to Clint.

Thor laughed heartily. "My friends, I have missed your banter! Come, let us prepare for the feast. It truly shall be one to remember."

"If I have my way," Tony said, "and you have the booze I've asked for, I won't remember it - and that's exactly what I want."