A panicked, nauseous feeling came over Meredith. He wasn't going to give up. He really wasn't going to walk away. This was a side of Derek she hadn't seen before, and she wasn't sure she was entirely comfortable with it. He was determined that she was going to answer him, and she didn't seem to be able to avoid his question. He had asked her twice. Twice. It was then that she realized he was serious. And now she was afraid. What else was he going to want to know? What else could she bring herself to tell him? Once she started, there would be no going back. Once the words were out there, that was it. She couldn't reverse time; she couldn't go back to a time when her world made sense, if it ever had. Brushing him off was her best bet, her safest bet. He didn't need to know just how dark and twisty she was.

"It was no big deal, Derek." Meredith answered, turning away from him to face the sink once more.

"Really? Your father coming to the hospital, and telling you, in front of your friends, in front of the Chief, that you were banned from Susan's funeral was 'no big deal?'" Derek asked, keeping his tone soft, not letting slip any of the frustration that was coursing through his body.

"No," Meredith replied, still facing the sink, her back to Derek.

"So blaming you for Susan's death was also no big deal." Derek stated matter of factually.

Meredith was silent, but he saw her shoulders tense, heard her breathing quicken. He was getting to her. When he thought about the pain that she had to be going through, the pain he was forcing her to relive, he felt sick. But he had to push the issue. He had to help her work through it, whether she was a willing participant of not.

"Meredith?" He asked, still determined that they were going to have this conversation. One that wasn't him asking, and her avoiding, but a real conversation.

When he got no answer, he tried again, hoping that if he pushed enough, she would break.

"Meredith." He said once more, raising his voice.

Meredith whipped around to face him, fire flashing in her eyes. "What exactly do you want to know, Derek? Just how painful it was to hear, once again, how things that happen are my fault? To have it proven, time and time again that…that when people leave me it's my fault?"

Derek was silent, his satisfaction at having got through to her short-lived, the full force of her pain nearly knocking him over.

"Do you remember me telling you I have only begged once, Derek?" Meredith asked angrily.

"Yes," he replied, softly.

"I lied. I've begged twice, Derek. Twice I have begged the men in my life to stay. Twice. And both times they left me. I begged him, Derek. I was only five, but I begged him, I pleaded, but he turned around and walked away. He walked away. I never saw him again, till years later, the night I slept with George. He had no excuse. He…he had a new family. He didn't even recognize me, at first." Meredith gave a bitter laugh.

Daddy, Daddy, don't go! Take me with you! Please! Daddy! Daddy, don't leave me! What did I do? Please, please don't go! Daaaddyy!

"I vividly remember the night he left. I asked my Mother why he had gone, and she just looked at me. She looked at me, and walked away. I thought that look meant he left because of me. I remember asking him what I had done wrong, but he got in the car and left. He left, Derek. And he wasn't the only one. My Mother left, and…Susan…"

When Meredith broke off on a sob, Derek started towards her, seeing the anguish on her face, and wanting desperately to comfort her, guilt at the part he had played in damaging her when he walked away weighing heavily on his heart.

"No. Don't." Her words stopped him in his tracks.

"Meredith, Susan didn't leave you. If she had a choice, she would still be here. You know that. She didn't leave you. The decision wasn't hers."

"No, it was mine!" Meredith said, tears slipping silently down her cheeks.

"Meredith. That isn't true. As a surgeon, you know that isn't true. She came to the hospital; she came to Seattle Grace because she trusted you, because she wanted to be near you. You did everything you could. Things happen, we can't control everything. Her death was not your fault."

Derek's words spun her back in time to Richard's words to her in the locker room, just before the intern exam.

"You're not to blame for Susan Grey's death and you know that, and your father knows it too. He's just... well, he's never been the best communicator. And he just lost his wife."

She remembered the words she had hurled back at him.

"Stop acting like my surrogate father."

He wasn't her father, but oh how she wished he was. The one thing about Richard; he took his responsibilities very seriously, he would never have left her. She often wondered how much simpler her life would have been if he had been her Father, if he had been there to explain her Mother's behavior to her, the way he had during her intern year.

"You think the world stops when you stop. But it just keeps on going. People perform your surgeries better than you could, the next generation comes up and you are scared you'll be forgotten. Your Mother stopped for five years, and you became someone."

"According to her I didn't. According to her, I'm a disappointment."

"In a perfect world, she'd be able to tell you she was proud of you. But it's not a perfect world, and your Mother's not a perfect woman."

The Chief was a connection with her Mother; he had bought out the side in Ellis that she always wished she could inspire, but never did. He gave her a glimpse of who her mother could have been, and it was better than nothing. It gave her a little hope that she could learn from Ellis' mistakes, and be a better Mother to her own children, should that ever become an issue. Perhaps what Richard saw in her was something she needed to see in herself. That she was worth someone's time and energy.

She was so adamant that he wasn't her father, because it hurt her so much that he wasn't. But she couldn't let herself believe a lie, believe something that wasn't, and never could, become reality.

"Just because you slept with my mother... that does not make you my father!"

She had been so harsh, so unwilling to bend, to give him an inch. Because an inch was all it would have taken for her to have crumbled, right then and there. And she couldn't break down in front of her boss; she couldn't break down in front of anyone. But despite how horrible she had been, how cruel she had been, he had still helped her, he had given her hope.

"If you called me here to lecture me..."she had begun, only to be interrupted.

"There's a copy of the interns' exam on the table. A number two pencil, a bottle of water and a sandwich if you get hungry. I assigned a proctor and I will come back in a few hours to check on you."


"You are not my father," she had said, unalterably.

"I know that," he had answered, and looking at her, he had moved towards her and pulled her into his arms.

How much easier would it have been, how much safer would she have felt, how much more loved would she have been, if he had been her family, if she could have been wrapped up in those arms of his, and protected from the world. If she could have experienced love the way a child is supposed to feel loved. Loved, wanted and worthwhile.

Derek watched as a million different emotions played across Meredith's face, before he moved closer to her, reaching out a hand, and slowly pulled her close to him. The dam had burst, and she sobbed against his chest, while he stroked her hair, the scent of lavender floating around him, wrapping around his heart. She clung to him until her sobs slowed, and she was gulping in air, completely spent. A long while later, when she was silent, he began to speak.

"Meredith, we need to start over. From the beginning." Derek said tenderly, rubbing his hand soothingly up and down her back.

Meredith slowly pulled away from him, running her fingers through her hair in a nervous gesture.

"We tried that already, Derek. We tried that, and it didn't work. When does it become enough? When have you had enough? When is it just not worth it?" She questioned, sadness pooling in her eyes.

"When have I had enough of what? Of you?" Derek asked, genuinely confused.

"It's not like it hasn't happened before," she replied softly.

"Meredith, I hadn't had enough of you. I just couldn't continue in a relationship with you, bringing you down with my guilt of not at least attempting to make things work with Addison. It was the worst decision I have ever made. And I need you to know…I was going to tell you about her, the night she showed up, I was going to tell you over dinner. I didn't tell you before because…I don't know why. I just knew that once I realized how I felt about you, when we decided to make rules, that it wasn't going to be a casual thing, I had to tell you. But she turned up, and…I lost my chance. I hurt you, and that is the last thing in the world I wanted to do. Leaving you made me miserable. Living without you made me…I just know that I can't do it again, Meredith. I can't ever have enough of you, you are enough for me, but I fear…" Derek broke off suddenly, mid-sentence.

"You fear what?" Meredith asked, trying to absorb all he was saying.

"I fear that I'm not enough for you, that you don't need me the way I need you." Derek said, for the first time looking vulnerable.

"What are you talking about?"

"You gave up, Meredith. You gave up, you didn't swim. Do you know what it felt like to pull you out of the water, your skin so blue, so cold. You weren't breathing. I breathed for you for so long, too long…I got to see what my life would be like without you, and I hated it, Meredith! I didn't know what to do, I felt so helpless, so useless. You gave up on me, on us, I wasn't enough for you. And you gave up on us again, you once again picked your friends over me, you said we were over. I can't keep living with the fear that you will give up again." Derek finished, his breathing uneven, and shaking.

Meredith was silent, looking at him, the force of what he had felt hitting her for the first time. That night in the trailer, she had realized that he knew she had given up, that she didn't swim, but she had been so shocked that he knew that, that nothing else really sunk in.

"I don't know. It's just…that day. I came out of the water. I spent the scariest hour of my life trying to breathe for you. I love you and I want you but I don't know if…you didn't swim. You didn't swim and you know how to. And I don't know if I can…I don't know if I want to keep trying to breathe for you."

It occurred to Meredith for the first time, that she wasn't the only one with trust issues. She didn't trust him not to leave her, and he didn't trust her not to leave him. He had been trying to tell her how he felt, and she had left. She had walked away.

"I didn't give up on you, Derek. The water was cold. I fell in, and when I hit the water, I had the wind knocked out of me. I did swim. I did fight. But then I thought, just for a second, 'what's the point?'…and I stopped fighting. But I…you are enough for me, Derek. So much so that it scares me, the power that you have to hurt me. I can't take you leaving me again, I can't cope with living without you…I can't…" She faded away, her emotions so close to the surface, that even talking was difficult.

"I guess that's something we have in common, then," Derek said, looking at her intensely.

"Yeah," she said quietly.

"Meredith, I meant it when I said we have to start again, from the beginning." Derek replied, his tone serious.

"And I meant it when I said we have already tried that, Derek. Maybe this is just not meant to work out, maybe…"

"We never really started again, Meredith. We said we would, but we just leapt back into where we were before Addison, before everything. This had been a hell of a year…so much has happened. We need to simplify things; learn to trust each other again. We need to start over from the very beginning." Derek said, interrupting her.

"Start over." Meredith repeated.

"Start over." He confirmed. "I want to hear you laugh again, to see you smile, for you to be happy. And I can't have any of those things if we keep things the way they are. I know we have so much left to say, so much to talk about. But we need to get to know each other again, Meredith, from the very beginning."

"Okay," she said, a slow smile forming on her delicate lips, the idea of a fresh start, a clean slate appealing to her.

"Okay," he said, giving a relieved sigh. "Okay, then I will pick you up tomorrow night, and we can go out for dinner."

Meredith looked at him, an amused look slowly appearing on her face.

He just grinned, and walked out of the kitchen. He had nearly made it to the front door when Meredith called out to him. He stopped, and turned to face her.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

Derek flashed her a smile, before turning and walking out the front door. His heart felt lighter than it had in a while. She had agreed with him. They were starting over, from the very beginning. And while he acknowledged that they had some serious issues to work through, this time, this time he knew they could make it work. It was amazing how much better one could feel when they believed.

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First of all, my apologies for not updating sooner...I am in my last week of university for the semester, and the workload has been, well, let's just say that when this week is over, I will be thrilled...;)

Anyway, that's it. I've done what I set out to do, which was try to explain, to myself more than anyone else, why Shonda had to 'burn it all down.' These two have some serious issues, and I didn't fix, or make them talk about all/many of them, because I think these things take time, they don't all happen at once. But there was a start, an attempt at communication, and a desire by both of them to make it work. I truly believe that Shonda did have to burn things down so that they can have a fresh start, which, in my opinion, is something they need to do. They need to go back to dating...no moving in, no engagement, no marriage...no bigs steps. They need to sort out the little things, and they need to get to know each other again, to learn to trust each other again. Of course, this is merely my opinion :)

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! It was so encouraging to know that people were actually reading this! I am contemplating continuing to write fan fics, but I will have to see how it goes!

A huge thank you to two wonderful women who helped me with this chapter, who allowed me to use them as people to bounce ideas off. It was greatly appreciated! So thank you to L and T (aka 'O')...I am only using their initial in case they don't want me to announce their names on here. :) Thank you again to my readers and reviewers..you really encouraged me to continue and to finish this. :) Sorry if this is not the way you wanted this to end, but it was an ending I felt comfortable with, and I felt it was more realistic, and healthy, than having them jump back into where they were. Hope you enjoy, and maybe it gives you some hope for season four. (Wow...sorry for the long ramble...:) )