Chapter 6 – Counting Down
Michael
I sit in the mess hall. It's large and loud with chatter, the many soldiers around me telling stories of home and happier places. I wonder inwardly if I will have a happy place again. Underneath the scent of fresh bread (which makes me sick and I can't bring myself to eat), potatoes, and beef, lies the smell of aged wood and cleaning solutions. I poke at the potatoes tentatively before deciding I should eat something. As I take a few small bites, a tray clatters down across from me and I hear a chair scrape across the wooden floorboards. "No appetite, huh? Can't blame you. You came in yesterday with Heichou, right?" When I look up to see the face of the person speaking, I meet a pair of large, sky-blue eyes set into a very boyish face. He can't be more than eighteen!
When he's settled into his chair, he tears into a bread roll enthusiastically. I hear the soft sound of the crust tearing apart and all I can see in the space between dough pieces is a spray of fresh blood; it drips heavily down his chin and onto his tray with a small plop plip plop. I can't stop the panicked look on my face, but I quickly hold my breath and close my eyes.
Five Four Three Two One
When I open them, the boy is staring at me with his mouth hanging open. There's a chunk of bread still between his lips, but no blood in sight. I shake my head a few times to recover and just nod in response to his earlier question.
He hesitates a moment before returning to his food, and doesn't seem shy about speaking with a full mouth. "I've never heard anything like that. Survivors showing up after the fact, you know. People were making a pretty big commotion about it since word finally got around. I'm Kip, by the way!" He extends a messy hand my way and swallows his most recent mouthful of food. I shake it reluctantly, wiping my hand off under the table where he can't see.
"Michael." Is all I can manage. I've finished with my meat and potatoes by the time he says anything else.
As I stand to clear my tray, he stops me. "You gonna eat that? Better not let anyone see you wasting food." He points to the roll of bread I've been ignoring and smiles as I move the tray within his reach. Kip gladly takes the bread and has it eaten before I make it even a few steps away. After I've cleaned up, I rejoin him at the table for lack of anything better to do. After a minute or two, he finishes and does the same. "So, Michael, where are you headed next? They've got me on laundry duty, of all things." He makes a show of shivering in disgust, and runs a hand through his black hair.
"Um… I'm not sure. Maybe I should go and ask the Corporal…" My eyes wander over the mess hall in search of Levi's small frame, but I don't see him.
"Are you serious!? Don't tell me you guys are friends. No one gets close to him, we're all too afraid he'll rip our throats out or something." His wide eyes are inches from my own as he leans over the table exaggeratedly. Where does he get this energy from? I'm exhausted already. I've been feeling irritable all morning, but if Kip has noticed he doesn't care. His comments about Levi seem rude to me, and I'm almost angry until I remember that Levi did try to kill me at one point…
"He's not that bad. We aren't friends, but we spoke a bit during the expedition… " His head is already nodding along, and he sits back in his chair. I hope he hasn't noticed my cheeks heating up.
"Yeah, that makes sense. You guys were out there alone at some point, right? That's incredible. I remember the first time I saw heichou take down a Titan. I bet you felt pretty safe by his side, am I right!?" He chuckles.
"I suppose. I was injured during a fight and about to die; he saved me. It was impressive, alright. He didn't even flinch when Titans came his way. Thanks to him, I'm on the road to recovery." I've been limping around for a while, but today I'm going easy on the acting. Better to make it seem like I'm healing quickly, than to fake the injury any longer. Hopefully my story will back up any suspicions. I was never good at lying, and now I'm not even sure I'm good at speaking. Regardless, he nods along and seems content to carry the conversation along on his own.
The conversations around us have thinned out along with the people, and we decide to take our leave. Without any clear morning instructions, I decide to follow Kip. He thanks me for the help and shows me to the launderette; a small storage room full of bins and washboards. We take the bins and make rounds throughout the halls, collecting dirty uniforms and unmentionables. With a washboard under one arm and a full bin of clothes (tucked into an empty bin underneath it) balanced on my hip, I follow Kip outside and to the washing area. We fill the empty bins using one of the many wells found around the compound and scrub away. The sun is directly overhead when we finish, and hang them along a line to dry.
Later that evening, I meet Levi again in his room. He begins running me through the basic things about their community, and then the Titans. All of the information is rattled off at an even but unrelenting pace and Levi makes it clear that he expects me to keep up without question. I do, as it seems most things coincide with my own teachings as a child. We end the meeting after two hours or so and I make my way to the barracks.
In the darkness of the hallway candlelight flickers, every moving shadow takes the shape of a screaming friend. When I enter my section, the two long rows of beds look ominous. Each footstep I take echoes loudly and each echo calls out to the corpses around me. When one rolls to look at me, the eyes are hollow and bloody; the images are so strong that I can almost smell decay in the air. I have to train my eyes on my cot in the very back of the room as I walk.
One empty bed. One coffin ready. Just for me.
That night, I sit with my knees pulled tightly against my chest. I watch each soldier as they sleep deeply, reminding myself that the sound of breathing means they are alive.
One day down.
The following day comes and goes without incident. It turns out that I was in fact meant to attend to the laundry after all, and so I accompany Kip again after breakfast with him and a friend. He carries our conversation happily. That evening, Levi delves deeper into the details of the hierarchy and the Wall worshipers. He seems more distant than our first two nights together, and I have to work to keep myself impassive. The only times I can see clearly are those times that he is near. I've never had to blink away the waking nightmares; his skull crushed, or limbs burned black, no bloody mouthfuls of bread.
That night, I sit atop my cot once again. After a long while, once I am sure that my comrades have all fallen to sleep, I make my way back out of the barracks. I'll have to attribute my recent irritability to exhaustion. I really need some air. Being on the first floor has its perks. I have little trouble slipping outside unnoticed. When a cool breeze hits my face, I gladly suck it deep into my lungs. It burns, and I begin to feel alive for the first time in days.
As reluctant as I am, I settle neatly into the idea of this new world. Starting life over begins to feel possible with each new day. These thoughts leave an aching in my heart. I remind myself not to forget my reasons for being here.
I drag my feet along the peddled pathway towards the stables. It takes me a moment to find the match sticks and candles, but soon the small light illuminates the wooden walls and cobwebs. Careful not to walk too fast, fearful of staring into darkness any longer; but my fears dissipate when Trill comes into sight. She's standing idly and I feel my heart sink at the thought of her loneliness. In this world, my best friend is a horse. We've had only one another, and now we are both trying desperately to fit into a place that isn't ours.
She's smaller than the other horses, and not as fast. Although Levi explained to me that their horses were bred to be this way, I never thought much of it until now; seeing her in this stall meant for larger creatures truly leaves Trill looking feeble in comparison. I pet her gently and coax her downwards, until she is laid across the floor. Leaving the candle to flicker on the wooden stall door, I lay my back against her broad side and relax. I watch the shadows dance on the walls and speak to Trill in a low, soft voice. I tell her about my day, and about Kip and Levi. When I look to her face, her eyes are closed and she must be sleeping. I lay my head back and concentrate on the sounds of the night. The smell of hay and horse shit doesn't even register, because all I want now is sleep; which I find that night for the first time in days.
Two days down.
I awake as soon as my mind registers light in the sky. I stand and allow Trill to do the same, bid her goodbye and quickly walk back to the barracks. A few soldiers are awake and moving, and though they give me some very suspicious glances, I avoid their gazes and give no comment.
After a much needed shower, I tend to my stomach in the mess hall. The second day was hell on my insides; my stomach not accustomed to being well fed and my ass not accustomed to so much time on the shitter. Now, however, things seem to be normalizing; so I eat to my heart's content and toss my daily bread to Kip while he chats with the same friend from yesterday.
"Tell me, Kippa, how's it been scrubbin' my dirty underwear every day? I bet you just love it." The boy, no older than Kip, digs an elbow into his rib. Kip responds by stealing his bread and shoving him half way out of his seat.
"It's fine until I get to yours. Tell me, did your mom ever get around to potty training?" They struggle amongst themselves.
I meet the boy's eyes for the first time, and hesitate a moment before speaking. I don't even know this guy's name, even though he's sat here two days in a row… I regroup my thoughts and clear my throat. "Did you… say Kippa?" My eyes widen and I look at Kip, whose face has gone a distinct shade of pink.
"It- it's my name… Kippa Koch. But you'd better call me Kip, damnit." He looks down for a moment, seemingly embarrassed as the boy beside him laughs loudly. Kip reaches over and flips the boy's tray over, scattering food across the table and floor. I can't help but laugh at the scene along with everyone as Kip and I stand to clear our trays and the boy picks his ruined food off of the floor.
I shoot a sympathetic look backwards, and when Kip sees me he says, "Don't mind it. John and I go way back. We used to mess with each other much worse than that; he'll be fine. He'll probably get me back later when I'm sleeping." He smiles and shrugs, and as we make our way to the launderette per our usual routine, he glances at me a few too many times to be subtle. I finally shoot him a questioning look when we stand outside in the sun. After pouring a bucket of clean water into his wash bin he speaks. "I've been hanging around you for three days now, and not only have I never seen you speak to anyone else but you've definitely never laughed like that. I was starting to get worried!" He wrings out a white t-shirt and hangs it on the line to dry.
My hands halt in place atop the scrubbing board, and I look into Kip's eyes. I feel like it's the first time I've really looked at him. His blue eyes are lively, and his boyish features and black hair make me think of a young Levi. If Levi were a foot taller… It's as if this was Levi, years ago. Before a rough life got a hold on his dreams; the strain of battle and responsibility drained the color in his eyes, replacing it instead with dark circles underneath their soft skin. It occurs to me that may be the only reason I've allowed Kip to cling to me the way I have, despite a need to be discrete. We are watching each other for a moment until I go back to work while I reply.
"I see. It's true; I've been out of sorts. My apologies."
He returns to work beside me and nods his head. "No need to be sorry! I'm just glad you can smile, after all. It suits you." His cheeks are a bit pink as he shoots me a sideways glance, and quickly looks back to the sock in his palms.
"Thanks? I guess I've just been a bit out of it since the other day."
"Yeah, I bet. No worries."
His boyish grin is pointed at the wash bin, but I catch him glancing my way a few more times during work. My mind wonders to Levi, wondering what he does during the day and how he sleeps at night. I try not to think of him when I look at Kip, whose hair is parted similarly and hangs over his forehead in the same spots. When we part ways that afternoon, I feel bittersweet.
I take the late afternoon as time to myself. I jog around the large buildings that make up our headquarters, stopping every lap to do some strength work. By the time I feel the right amount of burn in my muscles, the mess hall bells are ringing for dinner time. The food is cold when I get to it, but it feels good in my stomach. I drink a little too much tea. Kip finds me again at the end of my meal and asks if I will go for a walk with him later. I agree to meet him, but don't tell him about my meeting with Levi beforehand.
Hours later and I sit at the desk in Levi's room, once again. He sits in his own chair a few feet away, not in front of the desk but nearby so that he can easily point to various things atop the desk. This book depicting Rose, Maria, and Sina. That chart explaining the ratio of recruits who enter each branch of the military every year. These sheets of notes hand written just for me by Levi. I focus on the neat sway of his handwriting; which letters are elaborately scribed and which merely scribbled. I see the tension in his muscles and the hurried flicker of his thoughts in each line of text. I hang onto the curves of his cursive L's and S's as if I will fall to my death when the sentence has ended. When I peel my eyes away they cling onto Levi himself, who fails to notice and continues his lecture. I watch the knot in his throat sway with his spoken words, as enticing as the written ones. When the lips I've been watching turn my way I jump awkwardly into awareness.
"You okay? Getting all of this?" His grey eyes are black in the candlelight, yet still mesmerize me. In this intimate atmosphere, night after night, I fight my desire to brush my lips over his again. At first I waved the feeling off; surely it was only the overwhelming emotion of finding a friend after so long. After being together with all of the other soldiers over the last few days, it had become apparent that was not the case. In the morning showers, I would intentionally let my eyes wander over both men and women alike; neither of which sparking anything within me. Although I'd always been privy to men, I had been desensitized through my own military service back home. Therefore, just sitting beside an attractive man shouldn't have this effect on me. I shift slightly in my seat so that I am facing away from Levi, and concentrate on the paper again.
Could I be less obvious, please? "Yeah, I got it. Just a little tired, I guess. Please continue." I swallow a knot in my throat and wait to hear his smooth voice in my ears.
When he speaks, I jump again; the sound coming from right beside my ear. I turn my head to see that he is standing and leaning over my shoulder. How had I not noticed him moving? "Forget it. Go get some rest." The hand on the back of the chair is brushing against me, and although he doesn't seem to notice it is enough to light sparks along my spine. He clears the papers and books from the desk and organizes them neatly. His hand is gone too soon. I can't tell if his words are calm or if perhaps he is upset with me, so I bow my head in apology before shutting his door behind me.
I walk back downstairs and head outside to the courtyard. There is a gravel path that leads through it and around the complex, with the occasional wooden bench for weary soldiers to rest on. I pass under a stone archway and into the courtyard; more decorative than practical and a little too showy for my taste. There's a bench a little past it, and I sit there to wait for Kip in the moonlight. Time passes quickly; my mind is overtaken by the memories of Levi's voice in my ear.
"Hey! You're here already! I thought you had something to do so I waited around a little bit. Sorry if you were here long." He jogs up casually and stands beside me, his usual grin illuminated by the moon. I stand and motion for him to lead the way.
"I finished early, but don't worry about it. I wasn't waiting long at all." Truth is, I have no idea how long I've been sitting here.
We walk along the path without conversation, and it isn't until we've made one lap around the entire place that Kip speaks. The cool night air and quiet atmosphere have put me in better spirits, so I listen more attentively than I have all day. Kip seems to notice and smiles, going on about his day and how John seems to have gotten revenge at dinner; spitting in his potatoes and pouring tea all over the rest. His jovial laughter is infectious, and so another lap goes by in good spirits. I have little to say, as the only other person I speak to is Levi whom I can't mention. We make it another half a lap when Kip motions for a bench and we sit. From here, the back of the Shinganshina temporary Headquarters can be seen. Green fields surround most of the complex, and so the only shrubbery and trees are spread around the building to make it look desirable. This back end, however, seems to be neglected. The trees are sparse and unkempt, and even the graveled path has lost most of said gravel. There's a silence between us as we both look over the area in the darkness. I wait for Kip to start the conversation, as usual.
"Thanks for joining me out here. Sometimes I can't sleep and so I do a few laps. Lately I've been doing more and more, so I thought it'd be nice to have some company." He looks serious suddenly, and is looking at his feet. I don't respond in words, because I can't really read his mood. Instead I do something I haven't done with Kip before. I touch him. It may not seem like much, but Levi is the only person I have brought myself to initiate contact with. The horrid images I often see when looking at others are enough to keep me away. Somehow though, I have been seeing Kip more clearly lately. When my hand comes to rest on his shoulder, he looks visibly surprised. For a moment I consider retracting it, worried that I have done something wrong.
He reaches a hand of his own up and lays it over mine, stopping any thoughts of moving. It's warm and clammy. He looks into my eyes and I begin to feel a bit nervous. What is this sudden change in atmosphere? Kip must register the question in my eyes.
"On the expedition… I didn't do anything. Totally useless. I was so damn afraid of the Titans… I didn't even remember to fire signal flares! I just rode in the safe zone until things were settled. I feel terrible, especially knowing you were even out there fighting and got injured." His hand squeezes mine gently, but his eyes remain on his feet, brows knitted.
That feeling. The feeling of fear and uselessness. I know it so well that it hurts. The very thing that haunts my every moment. My chest tightens with the memory of my own desperate escape from the Titans. I want to comfort him but I can't even hold myself together. I take a moment to gather my thoughts, and tighten my grip on his shoulder.
"You're alive."
"Yeah. Great."
"It is great, Kip. You're alive now, so get stronger. Keep living and eventually throw in some Titan killing here and there, and you've got the perfect recipe for Soldier. That's all we do, really. We just survive until next time." I shrug my shoulders.
His hand falls from mine and down into his lap. "I guess, but I can't help but feel like I should have at least died trying, like so many others. I lived because I'm a coward, not because I'm strong."
"Yeah. You did. You are." He looks at me like I've just killed him myself, a dagger in his back. "But so am I. I did the same thing the first time I saw a Titan. I just ran, and I left some people to die. Then, I got a little stronger. I fought back when I could and ran when I couldn't. That doesn't change anything, I'm still a coward. But now I can do something, even if it's small, and I'm alive to get stronger."
Kip seems to relax his shoulders, and I give him a pat on the back before moving my hand to the back of the bench behind him. We look at the stars for a time. The wind is subtle and just strong enough to sway the sweat-tinged hair on my forehead. I hear the sound of clothing rustling and feel the old wooden bench shake with movement; Kip's leg is pressed against my own. The heat from it spreads into my own lower half, and as I turn a startled look his way I feel moist lips against my own. I'm stunned, unable to respond at first, but his tongue dances over my flesh and begs entrance. The image from this morning, a young Levi in the prime of life, convinces me to comply. I rest my hand between his shoulder blades, and tilt my head slightly as his tongue slides into my parted mouth. We kiss heatedly, and I feel my body responding in ways I haven't felt in years. He has a hand digging tightly into my waist, and one is playing with the loose hair of my ponytail. The sensations are too much, and I plead with my body not to give me away so easily. How long has it been? How low am I to kiss Kip while thinking of Levi? Who's the coward, here?
I feel his hand slip from my waist and move down to my belt. For a moment, I don't even consider stopping him, but when the tension around my hips releases as the buckle comes free I quickly come to my senses. A hand stops his, and the kiss is broken. His blue eyes are a perfect Levi-silver in the moonlight. It kills me. He's pleading, and I hesitate.
"Please…" His whisper tickles my lips and it takes all of my willpower to tighten my grip on his wrist and move his hand away. "I'm sorry, I-" He cuts himself off and looks away, embarrassed.
"Don't apologize, it's alright. I enjoyed it… but I can't do this." I release his wrist and slide to the end of the bench, putting distance between us.
"Is it because we haven't known each other long? I understand that! Please, give me a chance. Get to know me!" He smiles weakly, and it's admittedly adorable. I sigh tiredly, because surely I'm too old for his childlike spirit.
"Sure. Let's be friends, to start…" I have to hide my face so he doesn't see my shame. I feel overwhelmingly guilty imagining his reaction when I 'disappear' from Headquarters. He's shaken visibly when he stands to leave. Kip offers me a parting bow of apology and walks quickly back down the path.
I opt not to go inside again, and instead head straight to Trill in the stables. It takes a while to fall asleep again, as I replay all of the moments I've shared with Kip so far. My heart feels heavy when I drift into sleep.
Three days down. Two to go.