disclaimer: uh uh.

notes: BAHAHAHAHA! I is back!

some assembly required

"Okay, listen up," Karin said. All her girls were gathered around their usual cafe table (minus Sakura). "We have a mission to complete. We are going to get Sakura into my brother's pants."

"You couldn't have found a more delicate way to put that?" Hinata wrinkled her nose. Tenten snorted.

"That was Karin being delicate." She drawled.

"Hmm," Ino tapped her manicured nails on the table. "If Sakura were speaking to me this would be so much easier." She scrunched up her face. "There's only one solution. We have to get them out of the city."

"B-by themselves?" Hinata asked. "I d-don't think Sakura would be too happy about t-that."

"She's right." Tenten put in. "She's cagey like that. Freak."

"So what are you suggesting?" Karin asked.

"Hinata's family has got that cabin by the lake, yes?" Tenten asked. "Let's all go."

"All as in?"

"Us. And that moron and all his useless friends."

There was a long pause as Karin pondered the untapped diabolical resource that was Tenten. "I like it."

"I call not telling psycho doc." Tenten said. She flung one hand up in the air. A waiter appeared at her side. "Cinnamon Chocolate latte to go. And a slice of banana bread." She said. She dug her wallet out of her purse/sports bag thing. "My lunch break is almost over. Think it over. Call me." She said. She went to wait at the counter for her order.

"I should probably get going too. The shop is going to fall to pieces is Mari's hands." Ino said. She slung her purse over her shoulder and got up. "You two should talk to Sakura. She'll like the idea more if Hinata suggests it to her. Hey, Tenten! Wait up!"

Karin sighed and looked at Hinata. Hinata shrugged. "Should we go tell her?"

"T-tomorrow. We want to do t-this c-carefully." Hinata sipped her tea. "If we d-don't present it in the r-right way she might r-refuse."

"Point." Karin nodded. She tapped her nails against her chin, thinking. "We should get everyone else to agree to it. Ino can take care of her boyfriend and you can take care of your idiot cousin. I'll handle my brother and his roommate."

"W-what about the other one?" Hinata asked.

"What, the sharky guy? Kisame's cousin?" Karin looked surprised. She hadn't really thought about it. But now that she did…he might be fun to have along. He had a certain mischievous streak to him that she admired. "Okay, I'll deal with him too." She grinned at Hinata who smiled back cautiously.

"Now, to work!" she said and drained her espresso shot.

Ino and Tenten walked down the street together. Ino thought it was a bit weird. She didn't really talk to Tenten about anything other than when they were drunk and that stopped after high school. None of them got drunk anymore. Not even when they went out to clubs. They all had jobs they needed to be sober for. Ino sighed.

"What?" Tenten groaned. Ino knew very well that she hated dealing with all the girly stuff. But she told her anyway.

"I feel like our friendships aren't as solid anymore."

"Well if you'd apologize to Sakura then I wouldn't have to keep pretending to take sides." Tenten said. She hopped over a fire hydrant, careful not to spill her latte.

"What?" Ino stopped walking. "Are you saying that you're only pretending to be friends with me right now?"

"No, you blithering idiot. I'm saying that I'm sick and tired of pretending that I agree with Sakura whenever I see her and I'm sick and fucking tired of listening to you whine about this bullshit." Tenten turned and glared at her. "This isn't even my problem and it occupies my brain for the better part of the day."

Ino stared at her in silence, hating how what she said stuck under her skin. She knew she was right. She knew she could end this whole mess by apologizing but she was too stubborn to do it. And Sakura was too proud to come and make her apologize.

"I have half a mind to just kill both of you and put you out of my misery." Tenten growled. She started walking again. "I am willing to put up with your stupidity if it means that Sakura and Hinata will finally have boyfriends, however. So hurry the hell up, we have some plotting to do."

Ino picked up her pace. She shoved her doubt, anger and guilt away for a private moment later on. She had to help give her friends a life.

Karin waited until someone was exited the building before she went in. She didn't want to have to ring the buzzer so she just caught the door with her foot before it closed all the way. She straightened her jacket and her hair and stuck her gloves into her purse. She was glad Christmas was over. It was always tricky with her parents around that time of year. There was no real reason she could give to get to her job on time. There were a surprisingly large number of single men at Christmas. And for some reason, instead of going to a bar where all the single women went with their friends, they went to feel lonely and pathetic at a strip club.

She walked up to the second floor and counted her way down the doors until she found 208. Checking her face in her compact one last time she knocked on the door. As the door swung open she found herself getting nervous.

You're being stupid, she told herself. This guy is Sasuke's friend and vital to the plan. Buck up!

"C'n I help you?" he asked. Hmm, answering the door with a beer. Classy.

"Yeah," Karin said, breezing past him. She found herself making a bit more effort to be graceful. She shook it off and spun around, hands on her hips, eyes narrowed behind her glasses.

"What," he glared, "do you want?"

"Listen well, O Annoying One." She said primly. "I am enlisting your services for New Years. I have a plan that you are vital to."

"What?"

"Oh God. I'm actually going to have to explain myself, aren't I?" she muttered.

"Please do." He said. He dragged his free hand through his shaggy white hair and kicked the door closed. "Have a seat."

"Thanks," Karin said. She plopped on his couch and stretched her legs out in front of her. She stretched her arms over her head and cracked her back. "Ahhhh," she sighed.

"Jesus," he said. "You're like a cat."

"Hmm," Karin hummed and kicked her short boots off. She tucked her legs up under her and twisted on the couch to face him. "All right, Sharkbait, here's the deal," she said.

Suigetsu wasn't really in the mood for visitors. That didn't change when Sasuke's crazy ass sister showed up and forced her way into his home. He didn't appreciate it but Karin (or that Crazy Bitch as he privately called her) didn't make exceptions for the way she treated people.

"So," he leaned back in his chair, trying very hard not to look down Karin's shirt. "You want me to kidnap Sasuke and drag him up to the Hyuuga's cabin for New Years?"

"Yup." She nodded.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?" he shouted. "Do you even-" he stopped and took a deep breath. "I'm not fucking suicidal." He said eventually. This girl was obviously delusional.

"Well it wouldn't really be kidnapping, per se." she said, shuffling across the sofa. She leaned on the arm rest and pouted at him. "You'd only need to lure him out of the city. Once he's on the highway then I'll take over."

"Here's a crazy idea," Suigetsu said, "Why don't you just tell him that you want to go to the cabin with all your friends?"

"Are you kidding me? He'd never agree to that. In case you hadn't noticed, he doesn't exactly like people."

"No kidding," Suigetsu said into his beer. Karin was staring off into space. He assumed she was trying to come up with a way to convince him to help. There was no way he was agreeing to this bullshit.

"I GOT IT!" she screeched, leaping up off the couch. Suigetsu choked on his beer.

"What?" he gasped, trying to breathe.

"All we have to do is to get Sakura off work and get her to agree. If you act like you want Sakura to come in front of Sasuke then the moron can't refuse!" Karin spun around. "I'm a genius!"

Suigetsu stared at the crazy dancing girl in his apartment. He didn't get it.

"I don't get it."

Karin stopped dancing. She looked at him. She sighed and shook her head. He knew what was coming.

"Oh, my poor dim little boy." She said. She sat down on the arm of his chair and flung her arm over his shoulders. "Let me explain this to you."

"Here we go."

"Sasuke, the Stupid One, has a thing for my dear little pal, Sakura, the Adorable One. The Stupid One does not wish to admit this fact to himself as he is a sworn 'self-sexual'. The Adorable One likes the Stupid One for reasons unknown, but is heavily in denial. In order to bring the Adorable One and the Stupid One together you must flirt with the Adorable One in front of the Stupid One. And mention to the Stupid One in private that you think the Adorable One is funny/pretty/sexy or whatever to make him jelly. And when the Stupid One is jelly then he will come on this trip to make sure you don't try to steal the Adorable One away from him."

Suigetsu wondered if Karin knew this was all going in one ear and out the other. But he nodded anyway.

"And thus, we will win because the Stupid One is a possessive bastard."

"So all I have to do is be a douche?" he asked.

"Yeah." Karin patted him on the chest. She skipped to her shoes, seized her purse and dashed for the front door. "Don't worry, honey. It'll be easy. Just be yourself!" she grinned and slammed the door. Suigetsu threw his beer at it a second later. He could hear her laughing. Crazy Bitch.

Hinata loved the moment when she could step out of the hot dance studio on to the cold street and feel the cold air on her face. Her hair was tied back in a messy bun and strands were sticking to her neck and forehead. She rubbed the sleeves of her too-big grey sweater over her face, loosening the strands. She stretched her arms over her head and tugged her sweater down, keeping the cold air off her body. She listened to the pensive shuffle of her worn in leather boots against the salted pavement and shifted her dance bag on her shoulder. Her legs, in her dance tights, were cold, but she wasn't far from the bus stop. She could tough it out until then. She dug around in her bag for her gloves. Her hands might not be able to make it there though.

"Damn!" she couldn't find her gloves. In fact, she remembered throwing her grey gloves on her bed in her frantic search for her ballet pointe shoes. She swore again and stamped her foot. It was completely childish, but it helped her voice her frustration.

"Need a hand?" a man's voice called. Hinata felt a chill up her spine. She recognized that voice. She turned around, heat rushing to her face.

"N-naruto-san!" she stammered. More blood rushed to her face. He grinned at her out the rolled down passenger window of his car.

"Where you headed? I'll give you a ride." He called.

"N-no, it's f-fine." She said.

"Don't be silly! You're freezing! Come on!" he called. He leaned over and pushed the door open. A wave of warm air rushed over Hinata's cold knees. She shivered again and nodded. She climbed in.

"Here. Toss your bag in the back." He took it from her and hefted it over his shoulder. "Whoa! What have you got in there? A few bricks?"

"J-just my gear," she said. Her hands were almost frozen. She rubbed them together and blew on them.

"Here, just turn the heat up," Naruto flipped the heat to high and grinned at her. "It's wicked cold outside."

Hinata nodded. She tried to speak as little as possible. Especially around him. She was afraid that he would notice her stutter. None of her friends stuttered when they were nervous. When Tenten was nervous she just muscled through it and when Sakura and Ino were nervous they giggled uncontrollably. Karin didn't get nervous. But ever since she had been a child she had stuttered until her speech was almost unintelligible.

"So, where you headed?" Naruto grinned at her. She liked the way his eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled.

"Um, N-north First and B-boundary." She said quietly.

"Your wish is my command!" he said. He had the biggest smile she had ever seen. She smiled a little bit back.

Tenten wasn't really afraid of commitment per se. She just liked to avoid it as much as possible whenever possible. So when her phone buzzed in the middle of a class she inwardly flinched when Neji's name and number showed up on her screen. He was great to just be around and order around but he was a little too intense for daily contact. Especially since this was THE DAY AFTER (if you know what I mean). She ignored his call eight times in a row until, finally, she gave her class free time and went to the staff bathroom to answer the call.

"What!" she hissed.

"About time." Neji sounded irritated. It made her slightly happier to hear that in his voice.

"Why are you calling me while I am working?"

"Did you have a hand in this little New Year's getaway that Hinata is spinning off?"

"If I say yes are you going to kill me?" Tenten decided not to wait for an answer. "Yes, because Sakura and that weird anti-social friend of yours she lives with need to get off. So we are planning this strategic group vacation to help give them a little nudge in the right direction."

"So why do I have to be there?"

"Because you are part of his group of friends. And we might need you to make things awkward so that he can rescue her or something. And plus, you're a pussy so I know you're going to t=do this anyway."

"I'll pick you up in my car." He said. "Oh, and about last night-"

Tenten casually hit the end call button. She didn't really want to think about that right now. She hummed a little song in her head until it went away.

Ino was lying over the desk of the flower shop her parents bequeathed to her. She had one arm hanging down by her side, blood rushing to her fingers making them tingle. Playing softly through the radio was Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. She turned her head over and stared at the speakers blankly. Ino could practically feel her brain turning to mush as the 'good vibrations' washed over her. She closed her eyes and dozed off for a bit.

Ding. Ding.

Ino's head shot up. She brushed herself off and wiped her eyes.

"Neji?" she said. This was surprising. He definitely wasn't the kind of guy who went within twenty feet of a flower shop if he could help it. Yet here he was, walking right in.

"How can I help you?" she asked, confused.

"I need your advice." He said. He looked a bit uncomfortable. Ino sighed. She hoped this wasn't going to involve her hearing something she didn't want to imagine.

"All right," she said. She went to the door and out up the 'back in an hour' sign. "What's up?"

"What exactly is Tenten's problem?"

I'm sorry?" Ino turned around. She almost knocked over a vase. "What do you mean?"

Neji sighed, paced, and cleared his throat several times. Ino was starting to dread that this conversation was going in a veryveryvery personal direction. This was a place she wanted to avoid right now.

"Is there some particular reason she won't make the standing of our relationship clear to me?" he sounded completely exasperated.

"Oh!" Ino said. She remembered that Karin had said something about Tenten having a boyfriend. She didn't really believe her. "Wait, you mean Tenten hasn't DTR'd?"

"DT- what?" Neji frowned.

"Defined the relationship." Ino said. "So you guys aren't dating?"

"That's what I was hoping you could tell me." Neji said. "She never wants to talk about anything. And every time I try to ask her to 'define the relationship' she changes the subject. And, on top of that, she doesn't seem to want to be seen with me in public."

"That's what we call 'terrified of commitment." Ino said sagely. She plucked a few flowers from an arrangement and braided the thin stems together. "Also known as 'Tenten Syndrome'. It basically means that because she had to grow up with a single parent who never seemed to be able to pull herself together, Tenten hasn't ever made a commitment to anything. She doesn't even have a credit card."

Ino could see Neji gritting his teeth at her long winded explanation. "Is there any way to get around that particular barrier?"

"Oh, of course there is." Ino said. She smiled in an infuriating way.

"And that would be?" Neji ground out. Ino was thoroughy enjoying herself. But it was time to get serious. Tenten could possibly be sane if she was having seconds thoughts about a hottie like Neji. Who just so happened to be rich, powerful, and a big success.

"Prove to her that you're not going to ever leave her." Ino said. She slipped the braided flowers into the pencil pot by the cash. "But only if you know you're going to want to stay."

The only sound after that was the sound of the bell ringing and the door swinging shut. Ino smiled to herself. Who knew that Tenten would have picked the setting for her very own romantic getaway? She couldn't wait to tell Kiba.

Kiba rolled his shoulder back and hung up his white coat. "Hana, I'm heading home now!" he called to his sister. "You okay to close up?"

"Yeah," she called back. "Go tell your girlfriend to apologize to her friend and tell Sasuke to make Naruto stop calling to give me a play by play. I don't give a fuck about any of this."

Kiba rolled his eyes. Naruto was such a random person. "Yeah, I'll let them know." He kissed his sister on the cheek. "Say hi to Mom for me and tell her I'll be around for dinner tomorrow."

"You'd better be around for dinner or she's going to kill you." Hana said. She waved him off and locked the door of the Inuzuka Veterinary Clinic behind him. Kiba shivered and tugged the sleeves of his jacket down over his hands. Damn global warming was fucking up the weather. It was probably going to snow and his car was still in the shop getting new breaks and winter tires. He stamped his feet, pulled his sleeves down again and started walking four blocks to his new apartment.

While he was walking he passed the hospital and he remembered that Sakura used to live in that apartment. He felt bad about her being kicked out, but not as bad as he felt for her getting stuck with Sasuke and Naruto. And when Ino dropped the bomb on him that they were planning a trip to get Sakura, sweet, caring, slightly crazy Sakura together with cold, cruel, stoic Sasuke he actually laughed. Until he realized that she was serious. Then he had to explain why this was the most hilarious, disastrous idea ever. Because Karin was wrong. Sasuke didn't love anything, let alone that little pink haired doctor, no matter how much spunk she had. But he'd agreed to go on this trip because there was a small chance that Ino was right, and honestly, he'd like to be proven wrong.

extras: I think the perfect song for Neji and Tenten in this story is 'The Only Exception' by Paramore. I'm just feeling this song right now. ANDANDAND, I'm really excited about the dress I bought for winter formal/homecoming. It's emerald green. Yay!

P.S. I have a blog. I know, I know. But I have things I need to get off my chest. runawaygoddess(.)blogspot(.)com

Review Responses:

maughnsterhabits: oooh, nice, nice. Having twins to talk to is like having two Sasuke's. except that they're blonde…hahahahahaha! I was worried I wasn't making it obvious that Sasuke wanted to bang with Sakura. Bat-shit crazy is everyone's reaction to Tenten. That's why we love her so much.

MarWayWay: Holy moly. That was a long review…I loved it! I am warm and filled with fuzziness from reading your review. But yes, Sasuke is a bit stupid. I think it's adorable. But only in fictional characters. In real people it makes me sad. Hahahaha! I loved your rant! It is awesome! And I got all giggly when I read it. So…THANK YOU for making my day/week/year/life. I very much love you for that.

tigers-and-dragons: that is the plan, my friend. Yup, Sasuke is a bit…oblivious…for a while. Hmmm, Tenten's plan…I think I need to up the drama in this whole story. Just for a bit. And I like using Tenten as a plot device to do that.

SasuSakuKawaii: Haha! Thanks man! Yeah, heh heh, I generally make dudes tall…because I'm pretty tall so I like to imagine that out there, somewhere in the world, there is a beautiful 6ft 4 guy for me : ) OH! When Hinata is super shy it kinda ticks me off. I want her to slap someone. I actually might so that…hmmmm….

JennyPoohMemories: Thanks! I will do mah best!

SasuSaku Forever and Ever: Your wish is my command!

wingedmercury: Ahhhh, NaruHina. I used to be so bad at writing them! But now I kind of love them. It's just so cute! Hahaha! Sasuke needs a sister to keep him in line. That is why Karin is so awesome. And I think you might have mentioned something about NaruHina…hmmm…I wonder what it was?

-my-name-is-V-: Awwww! Lucky. Not in school. Psh. Hooah to you. LOL JK!

MyinnerNINJA: YOU make me happy. So do your reviews!

xStarryAngellx: ohohoho! Yes, he is starting to think. Heh heh heh. And NaruHina? My new OTP, after SasuSaku and just before SuiKa.