Taking over the Fool's Tree Fort home had proven to be a mixed blessing for Simon and Declan.

On one hand, it quickly became apparent that it would be an excellent place to live in the long run. The fort was large and spacious, with ample resources such as a chicken coop, well, and a nifty garage-like area concealed under the roots of the tree. It seemed sturdy and reasonably safe (a few simple precautions, such as locking the front door, were all Simon was convinced were needed to avoid the fate of the previous owner), and was in a very central location, meaning it wouldn't take too long to get anywhere and back. In fact, if Simon's cartography was correct, the fort appeared to be more or less in the exact center of Ooo, which could prove remarkably convenient as a base of operations for their travels. And not only did it have an excellent view of almost the entire grasslands, but the crow's nest and spyglass allowed one to see as far as the Ice and Candy Kingdoms.

However, there were downsides. For one thing, Simon and Declan discovered the next day, to their dismay, that the house was under attack by an anthropomorphic cat wearing a labcoat and throwing vials of potions about like a madman, and an equally inexplicable, bipedal sword-wielding shark. The two did not prove difficult to dispatch, as Simon merely blasted them with the flamethrower... only for the cat and shark to promptly regenerate back to life, and politely inform him that they intended to repeat the same ritual every single afternoon, before leaving. True to their word, the duo had returned every day at four P.M. sharp to harass the new homeowners, and proved impossible to kill for good.

Simon found the arrangement annoyingly unfair, as he was perfectly capable of succumbing to death by sword.

The more prominent issue, however, was the cleaning. While the fort itself was an excellent home in theory, to say that the Fool had let it go to seed was a drastic understatement. It seemed the little vampire had been occupying the fort for close to a year, and it that time he had managed to turn it into a disgusting pigsty of unparalleled horror. Simon and Declan found their exploration of Ooo temporarily halted as they were pressed to spend every day hard at work filtering out the Fool's mess, and transporting it far enough away from their new home to satisfy themselves. They wound up depositing the bulk of what they removed some eighty paces west of the tree, next to a sentient rock with a stupid look on it's face. The rock didn't seem to mind, merely "DUUUUUUUUURE"ing at them every time they returned.

One particularly warm day, the duo found themselves returning from just such a trip, carrying with them the now-empty burlap sack that they had used to haul the trash down to the dimwitted chondrite. The sack was massive enough to require them both to drag it to the dumping site, and the effort of doing so four times today had left the reedy scientist sweaty and the canine panting.

"Just a day or two more of this, Dec..." said Simon. "Just a day or two more and then the place will finally be clean..."

"Ugh... I'm not sure I can do another day or two. I don't even know if I think this treehouse is worth this anymore, can we just burn it down?"

"Look on the bright side, once the place is clean enough, I can set up a proper lab, and start trying to figure out how to get us home. With enough proper equipment, analysis of the Enchiridion should give us what we need."

"I'll believe it when I see it."

"Oh, you're gonna see it! You're gonna see it so much, you... it's gonna... you're gonna see it and..." Simon had to stop and think for a moment. "You're gonna say 'hey, Simon, that was crazy sick'."

"Yes." Declan droned in a deadpan. "I'm sure that is exactly what I am going to say. That sounds so much like me. It's amazing how you captured my essence there, it's like you read my-"

"Oh, shut up, it's hot out!"

The dog sighed as they reached the front door and Simon retrieved the key. "Well, you're not wrong. Don't suppose we have any ice water inside?"

"No such luck."

"Dang. I could really go for something cold right now."

oOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo

High-pitched, delirious laughter echoed around the jagged, frozen peaks of the ice kingdom, scaring distant seagulls into taking off.

Within his cold blue throne room, the Ice Prince laughed and flew about with wild abandon. Like Simon, he was hard at work, though his frigid body was unaffected by the heat. Zooming around, he picked through the heaps of scrap and junk that he had collected recently, sifting and cherry-picking to find what he could use. For while Simon had been spending the last several days getting rid of garbage, his foe had been spending the same time collecting it.

"Perfect!" the Prince spat. "Perfect! This is exactly what I need, this will be the HARBINGER of my triumph!" He seized an old microwave and rattled it around, listening carefully to the side. "Yooooouuuu..." he told the kitchen implement lovingly, "you my son, will succeed where my last creation FAILED!"

At this, the delusional wizard screamed in fury, raising the microwave above his head. "ROLLY! A FAILURE! Made of ice or not, NEVER send CANDY to do a WIZARD'S job!" He brought the microwave back down and hugged it to his blue-shirted chest, the power cord flopping about at his knees.

"Ssssshhhhhhh..." he whispered to the appliance, stroking it. "You will bring the end... the end to the bringers of fire... and all will be co-"

He was interrupted by a sound from one of the side passages dug into the ice; a sort of distressed, anguished groan drifting up the stairs from below. Gritting his teeth, the Ice Prince whirled around and, carrying the microwave protectively under one arm, fired a blast of ice from his hand that flew down the stairs to the corridors below, causing a pained yelp from it's target.

"GUNTHER!" Screamed the Prince furiously, "I! TOLD! YOU! TO! BE QUIET! WHEN I'M! SCHEMING!"

There were a few seconds of silence before a pained, gruff voice called back: "Okay. Sorry, man. I'll stop..."

The Ice Prince returned to coddling the nonfunctional machine, pushing the interruption from his mind. "Don't mind Gunther, he doesn't understand... he will... he'll see when we bring about the Age of Winter, it will all be clear... crystal clear... like ice..."

Setting the microwave down, the Prince began to gather more scrap, assembling it all together with some makeshift welding equipment while muttering to himself. "They'll see... they'll all see... steal my crown, will you Simon? Throw it into the place I fear most? Bring fire into my kingdom? Nonononoooo... that will not stand. Did you think I would not keep an eye one you? Did you think I wouldn't see you move into that tree? You've given me the perfect opportunity... you defeated me last with robots... let's see how your hams like it when they get kicked by a robot of my own..."

Within minutes, he had cobbled together something that, though small and crude, could be called a robot: with the microwave serving as a central body, installed on top of a pair of tank-like treads, with a pronged arm and a tin can on top, serving as a head even down to the leering face carelessly scribbled on the front. A bit of simplistic circuitry and wiring completed the ensemble. The Ice Prince smiled at his creation, and rubbed his hands together. "And now, my metal child, I give you... THE GIFT OF LIFE!" With a gesture, he blasted the machine with dazzling, neon-blue lightning, and it immediately whirred to life.

"Ouch!"

"Holy Stuff! It talked! HAHAHA!"

The little robot looked around in a moment of confusion, before it's view settled on the Ice Prince, and it smiled. "Hello, Creator!"

"Whoah!" said the Prince with a grin. "Hey, man!"

"My name is Neptr!" said the abomination of common sense. "It stands for Never-Ending Poison-Throwing Robot!"

The Prince laughed triumphantly. "PERFECT! Exactly the kind of robot I was hoping to make!" Not really knowing how to respond, Neptr simply laughed along, before asking:

"Tell me, creator, what is my purpose?"

The Ice Prince smiled at his mechanical son, baring his razor-edged teeth. He floated down to the ground, and put a fatherly arm around Neptr. "Well, you see Neptr... I need you to find a fella by the name of Simon..."

oOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo

Simon shoved open one of the Tree Fort's upstairs windows, letting the sunlight stream in unfiltered while also, hopefully, airing out the musty room within. He took a moment to appreciate the midday breeze passing through; the Fool had kept the house humid and warm. As such, it was nice to take a moment to enjoy the birds gathered on the branches outside, including a swallow that seemed to be chirping angrily at a tern. Simon watched as the tern held its ground until the swallow finally flew away, and the victorious bird turned to stare at the human in silence.

Unfortunately, the peace was interrupted by a loud sound; a thud as something hit the floor. Simon turned around to see Declan dragging the now-full sack back into the room. "I gathered up all those dead rats the little freak was keeping in his freezer. So nasty... you think he ate these things?"

"I don't know. I don't want to know. Let's just get rid of them."

"Truth. I'll meet you downstairs."

As Declan dragged the bag across the room, Simon noticed that the tern had hopped up to the windowsill, and was now staring up at him obsessively. The human raised an eyebrow and stared back at it, the standoff continuing well after Declan was gone.

"Sooooooo... are you... a magic bird? Can you talk? Grant wishes? Turn people into spoons?"

The bird just kept staring. Simon shrugged, and walked away to go open the rest of the windows. The tern watched him leave, before moving away and fluttering back out into the sky, and up onto the upper branches of the tree. It scanned the horizon, and saw something small and grey moving towards the fort.

oOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo

Neptr trundled along the rolling green hills, his treads staining in the grass. A simple smile alighted his face as he made his way, slowly but certainly, to the distant tree. Within his microwave body, globs of venom were being mixed to form his lethal projectiles. In order to pass the time, the little robot began rapping outloud to himself:

"Working for the Master,

inflicting his disaster,

Bringing Simon Petrikov into the hereafter.

Faster, I don't need a blaster,

Off to get this squatter.

It's time for a slaughter,

I've got it, it's no bother

Because I live to please you, father.

I am here!"

Neptr looked up at the treehouse from below. The leaves were still in the early afternoon swelter. The machine continued to gaze upward for a moment, enjoying the quiet, before swiveling to look around, searching for his reason for coming. The search was a brief one, as the fort's front door was promptly kicked open from within, and Simon and Declan emerged, dragging the enormous bag again. They failed to immediately notice Neptr, and stuck to their work, grunting in exertion as they hauled the sack across the grass. A red streak was left behind as they went.

Declan grumbled irritably through his mouthful of burlap. "I know, I know," Simon reassured. "We won't be doing this forever, and when it's over, it'll have been worth it." Neptr watched quietly as they continued, only making it another ten feet before having to stop, Simon wiping sweat off his head while Declan panted. The human's face scrunched up in disgust. "Ugh, Declan, your breath..."

"I can't help it, buttface."

"I know," Simon repeated. "You don't have sweat glands. It's all this blasted work. I can't believe the Fool felt the need to have this many rats."

"How many were in there?"

"I don't know, I think it was some eighty, ninety..."

"My sensors count one-hundred two!" said Neptr helpfully, raising his prod arm as though he were in a classroom.

Both man and dog wheeled around in surprise to look at the little robot. "Oh... thanks." Simon said uncertainly. "It's so nice to... have... such helpful neighbors..."

Declan decided to be more direct. "Hey, rusty, who are you?"

"My name is not rusty!" said Neptr happily, driving in a circle. "I am Neptr, the Never-Ending Poison-Throwing Robot!"

"Poison-Throwing!?" Simon asked in alarm, before exchanging a glance with Declan.

"He does kinda smell like poison." the dog reported, before looking back at their guest. "Why are you here?"

Neptr looked surprised. "Oh! I nearly forgot! Thank you for reminding me, strange skinny bear!"

"Uh, I'm actually a d-"

"I'm supposed to do this!" Neptr opened his microwave door, and with a quick, circular motion of his arm, launched something at them.

The duo yelled in surprise and Simon ducked as the projectile soared right over his head and splattered to the ground behind him. He looked over his shoulder at it; the venomous, green-and-yellow blob sizzled on the grass, which shriveled and browned around the point where it had landed. "Run!" He yelled, and both he and Declan took off, wheeling around the vast trunk of the fort.

"Wait!" Neptr yelled after them, concerned. "I missed! You have to let me try again!" He rapidly began to roll in pursuit, priming another poison blob.

Simon and Declan had a decided speed advantage over Neptr, and were able to make their way around the tree quickly, skidding to stop as they considered what to do next. "Blast, my flamethrower's inside... we'll have to try and-"

"-go all the way around to the front door, yeah." Declan finished for him. "But he's gonna see you unless... ah, crap."

"What?"

"You know 'what,' unless I distract him. I'm gonna need to draw his attention while you go gear up and fry him."

"No, I'm not having you run around like a sacrificial lamb."

"Mmm, lamb..."

"I don't know what he's throwing, but I'm guessing it's probably a contact poison, getting hit will most likely be fatal. For heaven's sake, all I want is to go home, why are people always trying to kill me!?"

Declan considered the question. "Have they heard you talk?"

"Aaaaaand I'm suddenly feeling okay about your distraction plan."

"Ah, come on!"

"Found you!" Neptr reported cheerily, having just rounded the corner and caught up with them. He launched another glob, prompting them to dodge it and take off again.

"Well, that solves that!" said Declan happily. "Door's unguarded, we can get inside!"

"And then what!? He'll follow us!"

"Uh, lock ourselves in? What's he gonna do, poison the door!?"

Simon considered the plan as they skidded to a stop in front of the fort, having completely circumnavigated it.

"...Alright, fine." he said. "Inside, let's go!"

They ran in, he shut the door behind them, and turned the lock. They looked at each other and waited for a moment. Soon, they heard the sound of Neptr's treads outside, before silence. And after another moment, something splattering against the door. And after another, Neptr's disappointed voice saying, "Awwwwww..."

"Well, that was easy." said Declan. "Go doors. Doors for life. Way to be a team player, doors. Let's go eat something."

Simon gritted his teeth uncomfortably. "Well... there is something worrying..."

"What?"

"...Let's go upstairs, I'll show you."

oOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo

"Yeah, that's what I was afraid of." said Simon. He and Declan were poking their heads out of the second-story window, looking down at their front door, before which Neptr still sat. The little machine looked up at them, smiled, and waved.

"Hello Simon! Hello strange omnivorous horse!"

"So..." Declan asked, "has he just never seen a dog before, or what?"

"This isn't going to work." Simon continued. "This is the same problem I ran into with the zombies on my first day in Ooo. He's... Hey! What did you say your name was!?"

"I am Neptr, the Never-Ending Poison-Throwing Robot!"

"Thank you! Like I said, Neptr's a robot, he doesn't need food or sleep. He can wait out there forever, which means we'll never be able to leave unless we capture him."

Simon looked around for inspiration, but found none in the birds circling the tree, or the leaves hanging still in the baking afternoon. "I mean..." he said as he worked the problem through in his head, "he can't attack if his central hatch can't open, I guess."

"You mean the microwave?" Declan asked.

"Yeah. We could seal it."

"Couldn't he have other weapons?"

"No... he would have tried them on the door..."

"Right... so how do we do it?"

"...Ropes?" Simon suggested with an unhelpful shrug.

oOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo

Three minutes later, Neptr was still outside, resting about ten feet from the front door and staring at it blankly. He was trying to come up with a way to get it.

He couldn't think of a way to get in.

After a while, he tried lobbing another chunk of poison at the door. It collided with a pathetic splat, and began dripping down the wood. "Shoot." Neptr said in helpless dismay. Just as he was trying to think of something else, however, it proved unnecessary: the lock clicked, the door flew open, and Simon Petrikov launched himself from the house, screaming frantically as he waved a bundle of ropes around over his head. The robot was too surprised to act immediately, as Simon dove at him and tackled him aside, still yelling incoherently as he worked his hands to bind Neptr in the ropes.

After about ten seconds, Simon stopped yelling, and looked down at his handiwork: the machine was tightly tied up, with the lines seemingly holding his microwave door shut. It tried to open, but would not budge.

"Well..." the human said, wiping his temples. "That worked."

Declan emerged from the door, looking irritated. "Sure did, if the plan was to make him freaking deaf."

"...That was adrenaline."

"I can't throw poison!" Neptr called in dismay. "Please, take the ropes off, I'm supposed to goop you in the face!"

"No. said Simon. "...And please don't say that again."

Declan came up alongside him. "You know, I really expected taking down the death robot to be a lot harder."

"Right? That was easy as pie."

"Mmm, pie..."

Simon cleared his throat and looked down at his captive, who was running his upended treads in a futile attempt to move. "Now, interrogation time. Neptr, I demand that you tell us why you came here."

Neptr smiled. "Oh, that's easy! Because my creator told me to!"

Declan furrowed his brow. "Your creator? Who's that?"

"You know him as the Ice Prince!"

"Ooooooooooh dear." said Simon, putting a hand to his forehead.

"You've got to be kidding me." said Declan. "This psycho again!? What is his beef with us!?"

Neptr answered helpfully. "He said that if I threw poison at you, you wouldn't be able to stop him from going to the Candy Kingdom!" the little robot frowned. "I'm not sure I understand why..."

"You've been very helpful, Neptr." Simon said. "But why are you telling us all this? Isn't that betraying your master?"

Neptr still looked confused. "What do you mean?"

Simon looked at Declan. "He seems awfully naiive."

"Yeah... we need to stop assuming that everyone who tries to kill us is competent. They're all kind of idiots."

"Well, let's see how far that will stretch. Neptr, how did the Ice Prince know we were here? We only just arrived."

Seemingly happy to have the conversation back in an area he could comprehend, Neptr replied without hesitation. "Oh, he told me he has been watching you for some time."

"How?"

"With that!" with his pronged arm, he point up to the top of the treefort. Simon and Declan followed his indication and spotted, sitting atop the tree, the arctic tern that Simon had seen at the window, staring down at them.

"What? The tern? How does that work?"

"It's a magic bird! My creator can see through its eyes!"

"Are you for real!? Where does he get all this stuff!?"

oOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo

Far away and several minutes earlier, the Ice Prince watched through a crystalline membrane of ice, seeing through the gaze of the arctic tern on the roof of Simon Petrikov's tree fort. He sat with his arms around his knees, eyes wide and unblinking as he stared at the proceedings. The plan was not going as well as he had hoped. He ground his teeth nervously as Simon wrestled down Neptr with the ropes. "No..." he muttered to himself. "Noooooooooooo..."

"Well... that worked." He heard Simon say from the viewscreen.

"Sure did, if the plan was to make him freaking deaf."

"...that was adrenaline."

"GGRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" Ice Prince howled, tugging at his hat in frustration. It looked like Neptr had been capture. Ignoring what was being said on screen, he drifted up off the floor of his frozen castle and began to float back and forth, staring daggers at the ice below him as he paced in midair.

He thought and thought and thought. With three failures to kill Petrikov in a row, he was beginning to wonder if he would ever manage it. "Is this it?" he muttered to himself, his voice cracking with tension. "Destined to duel forever? Eternal foes? Noooooooo... NO! NO MORE DEFEATS! As long as I can spy on him, I have the advantage, I can always-" He trailed off in mid-sentence as his attention returned to the ice viewscreen, where Neptr was speaking.

"Oh, he told me he has been watching you for some time."

"How?"

"No..." Ice Prince said. "NO NO NO, YOU LITTLE BROTHERSTUMPER, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"With that!"

"What? The tern? How does that work?

"It's a magic bird! My creator can see through its eyes!"

The Ice Prince grabbed fistfuls of his own golden hair and tore them out in rage, his eyes bugging out as he screamed at the ceiling. "WHAT THE BLOOD, NEPTR? CAN'T I TRUST ANYONE!?"

"...You can trust me, man." said a gruff voice from the next room.

"I SAID BE QUIET, GUNTHER! ARGH, NOW I HAVE TO GO KILL SIMON MYSELF!"

Screaming in fury, his hands sparking with magic, the Ice Prince flew through the open window and out into the cloudless sky.

oOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo

"Wait, wait..." said Simon. "So... if the Prince can see everything we do... he could be on his way here right now!"

"Really? Yaaaay!" cheered Neptr. "We can have a party!"

"Oh, we're throwing a party all right. Declan, stay here and watch out for IP. I'm going to go get the flamethrower."

"Got it."

Simon stormed back towards the house. "That guy wants to keep messing with us... he comes near the house, we'll barbecue him."

"Mmm, barb-"

"STOP THAT."

Simon moved quickly, taking the spiral stairs at a hustle and scrambling to find his weapon of choice. His mapmaking had left him with a fairly good idea of the Ice Kingdom's distance from the fort; however, he had no clue how fast the Ice Prince could fly, meaning that he really didn't have a way of judging how long he had to get ready. To that end, he figured it was probably best he hurry. The flamethrower was still where he had left it after fending off yesterday's attack by Sword-Shark and Science-Cat: propped against the fireplace in the living room. Glad that it hadn't been moved (he would never have found it in time in what was left of the Fool's mess), Simon slung the weapon and turned it on.

Taking a breath, he adjusted his glasses, went to the window, and got ready, looking out at the distant peaks of the Ice Kingdom.

oOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo

Neptr and Declan sat before the fort where Simon had left them, Neptr still tied up and Declan looking out at the Ice Kingdom just as his companion was. The dog sniffed the air, and caught something familiar. He got up and trotted around the fort to below the open window where Simon was. "Hey!" he yelled up. "I can smell him, he's coming!"

Simon was momentarily surprised to hear the canine's voice, and looked down at him. "You sure?"

"I mean... yeah, pretty sure. I'm a-"

"-Siberian Husky, yeah. How far?"

"Not all th-"

ZAP.

In a flash of blue light, Declan was trapped in a block of ice.

"Ah!" Simon dropped below the window just in time as a jagged burst of blue light flew over his head and into the living room behind him, hitting the torn, risqué painting and freezing it solid. The painting fell from the wall and shattered as the Ice Prince sailed towards the house in a swirl of snow, his teeth and crown glinting in the sun as his cape flapped. Simon tried to stand up to get a good look, but was forced into cover again by another incoming blast, so he decided to restrategize. Tucking the flamethrower close by its strap, he dropped to all fours and crawled away from the window, trying to make his way across the room and to the kitchen.

He was too slow, and the Ice Prince flew into the window and landed, perched on the sill like the bird he had been using to spy. Spotting Simon, he raised both hands and began firing a flurry of blasts all over the room. "DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!"

Simon jumped to his feet in a panic and ran for it, holding his hands over his head protectively as the air crackled and froze all around him, and through some miracle, managed to reach the kitchen unharmed. Knowing that he had only bought himself a couple seconds, the antiquarian cleared the room, threw open the window over the sink, and dove straight out, internally praying that he could survive the fall.

Simon did survive the fall... for exactly the wrong reasons. As he was lunging through the window, the strap of his flamethrower became caught on the knob. The force of him falling pulled the strap all the way down his body, until it caught at his foot. Simon's descent was cut short with a sudden jerk as he, thirty feet off the ground and flailing like a gerbil on PCP, hung from the strap of his weapon, one end wrapped around his ankle and the other around the window's latch. His glasses made to slide off his face, but Simon wasted no time in reaching up to grab them and hold them there.

He looked up at his predicament, seeing the strap swing from the open window as he hung from it helplessly. After a moment, however, he saw something much worse emerging slowly from the open window: first a pointed yellow crown with red jewels in it, then a white hat leaking copious amounts of blonde hair, and finally the pale blue-eyed face of the Ice Prince, which broke into a psychotic smile as he saw Simon's predicament. "HA-HAAAAA! Oh, the itsy-bitsy Simon fell out the kitchen window... Down came the Ice Prince and I'M GONNA FREAKING KILL YOU!"

"That is NOT HOW THE SONG GOES!" Simon snapped angrily.

"Well that's how MY VERSION GOES!" The Ice Prince yelled back through a shower of spit.

"That's because you're crazy!"

"YOUR MOM IS CRAZY! AND STOP CORRECTING ME!"

"NEVEEEEERRRRRR!" Simon yelled overdramatically, lashing out with his free foot and kicking the boy in the face.

"Argh!" As he staggered backwards in shock, the Prince accidentally fired a blast from his outstretched hand, hitting the strap, which froze and promplty shattered under Simon's weight.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH-OOF!" Simon hit the, thankfully, very soft grass hard, bruising himself badly and getting winded. This was not the last of the pain, as the heavy metal flamethrower that Dr. Petrikov had chosen as his signature weapon, now freed from its strap, landed on his back.

"...Oooooooowwwwwwww..."

"Ow!" Yelled the Ice Prince from above. "That flipping HURT!"

Simon weakly pulled himself to a sitting position, the flamethrower rolling off his back and clattering into the grass. He looked up just in time to see his enemy lean out of the window and angrily throw a bolt down at him. Gaining his second wind just in time, Simon seized his weapon and moved aside, the blast frosting over the grass where it hit. Unfortunately, Simon found that he was too hurt to run, and could only limp weakly away, panting from exertion as he tried to put extra distance between himself and the insane royalty that was pursuing him. As he moved, the Ice Prince waved his hands and summoned an ice slide, snaking all the way down from his perch. Jumping the windowsill, he slid all the way down, his bare blue feet landing on green grass.

He looked after Simon just in time to see him vanish around the front of the house. Snarling under his breath, the Prince floated up and flew after him.

Simon, meanwhile, was beginning to regain his step as he passed by the still-restrained form of Neptr. "Is that my father I hear?" asked the robot happily. "May I say hello?"

Simon didn't have time to answer as his pursuer swirled around the corner and began cackling while tossing bolts of energy at him. Naturally, the antiquarian wasted no time diving for cover; however, as there was none, he found himself merely jumping around and screaming in panic, ducking and weaving to try and avoid as many blasts as he could. In the course of this confusing melee, one bolt happened to hit the ropes holding Neptr, freezing and breaking them. Free of his incarceration, the Ice Prince's son began waving his arm in an attempt to rebalance himself on his treads.

Meanwhile, Simon was taking advantage of a momentary lull in the Prince's attacks to finally retaliate, aiming the flamethrower and unleashing it's fury. At the same time as a stream of flames spurted forth, the Ice Prince raised both his hands and screeched, casting a stream of high-pressure snow back at Simon. The fountain of fire and the influx of ice collided halfway between the fighters, resulting in a huge and sudden explosion of mist that propelled them both away from each other, both yelling out their surprise in the smokescreen.

As a result of the blast, Simon was winded once again as he crashed to the ground, and found that, without the protective strap to keep it on his person, he lost his grip on his weapon; it was thrown aside in the shockwave. Likewise, as the Ice Prince also collided with the grass, his crown was knocked away, rolling off into the mist on its side. Neptr was luckier; the shockwave had blown him upright, back onto his treads. He looked around in confusion at the cloud of mist. He wasn't really sure what was going on, but it didn't seem pleasant. As he watched, both Simon and the Prince slowly rose to sitting positions, Simon groaning in pain, and IP groaning in faint annoyance.

As they looked up at each other and locked eyes, each simultaneously noticed how each had been disarmed. They both looked around for their respective weapons, but could not spot them in the mist. "Oh dear..." Simon muttered under his breath. In if he were not injured, he suspected that the maniacal and surprisingly strong twelve-year old could likely best him in hand-to-hand combat. The worst came to mind, and Simon found his thoughts invaded by the image of the rabid preteen scratching out his eyes.

Thankfully, grappling did not appear to be the Ice Prince's first instinct. Right off the bat, it took several moments of him looking around wildly before he reconciled the fact that he couldn't find the crown, with was followed by some pathetic babbling direction down towards the ground. Before Simon could figure out his next move, Neptr rolled into view and addressed the Prince. "Father! It is so good to see you! What is happening?"

This caught the attention of both combatants, who were momentarily paralyzed with the implications that Neptr brought to the fight. Simon blanched with fear, while the Ice Prince grinned viciously. "Neptr! My son! Quick, throw poison at him!" the Prince pointed a blue finger towards Simon.

"Oh! Okay!" said Neptr, turning towards Simon, who talked quickly.

"No! Neptr, don't, don't throw poison at me, I don't think you completely understand what will happen!"

"I understand what will happen if I throw poison at you!"

"You do?"

"Yes! You will get hit with the poison!"

"Well, yes, but do you understand what happens after that?"

Neptr hesitated for a moment, thinking. "...Will we all be friends?"

"NEPTR!" Screeched Ice Prince, "I order you to kill him right now! QUIT BUNKING AROUND ALREADY!"

"Kill? What is 'kill', pappy?"

"It's WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO HIM IF YOU JUST STOP WASTING TIME AND DO AS YOUR CREATOR SAYS ALREADY!"

Simon took a deep breath, trying to focus. He did his best to channel a part of himself that he had not had to call upon for a very, very long time: the teacher. "Neptr." Simon asked the confused robot patiently, adjusting his glasses. "Do you understand what death is?"

Neptr looked back to Simon, wearing a puzzled expression. "I have a very huge vocabulary built into me!" he answered.

"Yes. But you did not answer my question. Do you know what death is?"

The Ice Prince looked just as puzzled as his creation. "Neptr, will you just throw already?"

Neptr gave his father a confused look, but turned back to Simon. "No. I cannot find the definition. What is death?"

"Well, Neptr, to answer that, I must ask you: what is life?"

Neptr smiled. "That is easy! Life is being alive! It is what I am experiencing now!" His expression turned confused again, and he put his hand (or metal fork arm) to his chin (or the base of his tin can) in consideration. "At least I think I am..."

Simon ignored this last part; he didn't have time for the robot to go through an existential crisis right now. "Well, death is the opposite of life. It's what happens when a person stops living, they stop experiencing this."

"Then what do they experience?"

"Er..." Simon rubbed his head awkwardly. Now that was a heavy question, but one he should have expected. "Well, no one knows for sure... but, that's not important right now. What matters is that death is bad, because it takes away your life. And when you poison someone, they die. Neptr, the Ice Prince wants you to kill me."

"What!?" Neptr asked, shocked. "No! My creator is kind, he made me! He would never make me do something bad like that! Tell him, pappy! You would never make someone dead!"

Ice Prince blinked, and then raised his hands indignantly. "What? Of course I would! That's what all this is about! DUH!" Neptr backed up in surprise, while Simon simply facepalmed, albeit gratefully, at the Prince's stupidity.

"But I don't think I want to..." the machine said, sounding distraught.

"Listen, Neptr..." said Simon. "Why don't you come and stay with Declan and I? I promise you'll never have to throw poison if you don't want to."

"NO!" the Prince shrieked, pounding his fists angrily on the grass. "You are coming back to the Ice Kingdom with me! I created you! YOU'RE MINE!"

"Still a principality," said Simon, earning a glare from the preteen. The mist was beginning to noticeably clear out now, the surrounding roll of the grassland becoming more visible. Neptr looked out forlornly towards his frozen birthplace, still sparkling in the afternoon sun.

"...I am sorry, father," he said finally, addressing Ice Prince. "I do not want to help you hurt people. I am going to stay with Simon and the land-dwelling otter he lives with. I hope you understand."

The Ice Prince looked around furiously, and saw, glinting in the sunlight, his now-visible crown lying in the grass. "UNDERSTAND BUTTS!" he howled, lunging towards the artifact with both hands outstretched. Simon made a mad dash to find the flamethrower, but it proved to be unneeded. There was a quick chun-clack of machinery moving, before the crown was struck hard and knocked over by a glob of Neptr's poison. The Prince hurriedly stopped himself from touching the crown, pulling his hands back with an absurdly high-pitched scream as the disgusting toxin oozed down over the metal. "No! NOOOO!" the poor lunatic seemed torn: he desperately wanted the crown, but didn't want to touch the poison, so he kept reaching forward to take and recoiling, back and forth and back and forth like a deranged yo-yo.

"Neptr!" Simon said happily. "Well done!"

"Thank you, Mr. Simon! I am glad to have helped."

"Well, you certainly did." The human stood up and turned his attention back to the Prince, who was still umming and erring over his commitment to reclaiming the crown. "It's over. You can't fight both me and Neptr, not without the crown. And you can't put it on without poisoning yourself. You're going to have to take it home for a thorough cleaning, I think."

"And you can not fly without it!" Neptr pointed out. "You are going to have to walk back to the Ice Kingdom!"

Ice Prince glared hatefully at both of them, before undoing his cape and scooping up the crown in it, throwing it over his shoulder as a makeshift bindle. Simon watched him angrily stalk away towards his distant kingdom for a minute, before remembering something. "Oh, crumbs, Declan!"

oOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo

"Can I just say that I'm really sick of getting frozen?"

"I know, Declan."

"This is seriously the fourth time. I'm only five years old. I can't keep doing this."

"I get you."

Simon and Neptr chipped away at the ice containing the irate dog, having moved it out into the afternoon sun. "And why is it always me?" he asked, now only half-trapped in the ice. "How many times have you been frozen!?"

"Twice." Simon answered with a sigh.

"[i]Twice.] Half the times I have. Just saying." He looked down at Neptr. "So... are we okay with him now?"

"Yes, Neptr's going to live with us from now on. He's not so bad."

"I don't know... I'm not sure if I'm okay with that."

"Well, it can't- AH!"

For the second time today, Simon ducked to avoid a surprise attack, as a glass flask full of crackling potion flew over his head and shattered on a nearby rock, transforming it into a three-headed beaver that promptly scurried away in bewilderment. Simon, Neptr and Declan all looked up the hill to see their attackers: the humanoid, labcoat-wearing cat with his fistfuls of flasks, and his sword-wielding shark friend. Science Cat laughed and raised another vial to throw, only to be suddenly struck in the face with one of Neptr's poison globs. "Aaah, my eyes!" he shrieked, before a second blob hit Sword Shark in the same fashion. The two ran off, screaming and trying to wipe off their faces.

"...Okay, I changed my mind, I am very okay with this." said Declan.

Simon patted Neptr on the can that passed for his head. "That'll do, robot. That'll do."

oOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo

Hours later, after the Ice Prince had finally finished lugging his crown across the grasslands, across the Ice Kingdom, and up the frigid slopes of the hollowed-out ice mountain that formed his castle, he sat down on the floor of his throne room, clutching his knees to his chest and fuming. After glowering in silence like this for a time, he stood up and screamed in anger, aiming his hands around the room as if to fire ice blasts, only for nothing to happen without his crown on. "WHAT THE JUNK!? WHAT THE JUNK!? WHATTHEJUNKWHATTHEJUNKWHATTHEJUNK!" He began angrily kicking the wall. "WHY? CAN'T? I? KILL HIIIIIIIMMMMMM!"

He started pacing, furiously tugging at his hat. "I just... I just need to focus on the PLAN... Yesssssss... freeze everything. If I can just take out the Candy Kingdom... GRAH!"

As he rambled to himself, someone emerged from the side passage: a bipedal, yellow-furred bulldog, with big black eyes and a worried expression. He watched the Prince rant for a minute before cautiously speaking in a gravelly but nervous voice. "Uh... Finn? Hey, you look pretty wound up, man, maybe you should get some sleep."

"I DON'T NEED TO SLEEP, GUNTHER! I NEEEEEED TO... WIN!" The Ice Prince spat back.

"Right..." said the dog, rubbing his head uncomfortably. "It's just... I was thinking, maybe you should give up this whole crazy ice guy thing now, dude. It was really funny the first few months, but it's... not... anymore..."

The Prince glared daggers at him, but he took a deep breath and nervously continued. "I also think maybe you should let BMO go now. I know he likes games, but I don't think he wants to be stuck in there anymore, man..."

"NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The Ice Prince howled rabidly. "ROBOTS MAKE PROBLEMS! I SEE THAT NOW! IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HELP ME, THEN YOU CAN JUST GO BACK DOWNSTAIRS!" He collapsed, suddenly crying, cradling the crown (still wrapped up in his cloak) and weeping on the floor.

"Oh... alright, man. I'll go." said the bulldog sadly. He turned back to the door, but looked over his shoulder one last time at the Ice Prince, who was rocking back and forth with the crown in his arms, babbling incoherently.

Jake the Dog sighed miserably, and went back downstairs. He was beginning to think he had lost his brother for good.

AN: Wasn't quite feeling this one at first, but I think I got into a real rhythm with it. As always, please remember to leave a review, they really help me stay motivated.

Chapter 8 should be up soonish.