Chapter 6:
Stark tan face.
Blood dripping from veins.
Emptying and emptying.
Emptied.
Clarke's body jolted forward as her breath returned to her, she took in a deep gasp of air as she blinked away tears. She hadn't experienced that nightmare in a long time… In the darkness, she almost forgot where she was. If it weren't for the mattress against her skin or the sheets on her calves, she would have thought she was in her quarters in Camp Jaha.
Her dream was about the mountain and how the grounders were suspended upside down, drained of their blood and disposed of like trash.
It's not real, it's not real, it's not real…
But as she looked down at her own arms, she saw small marks on her veins—scabs.
"It's not real." She said out loud, "It's not real."
It's not real because Finn is alive.
It's not real because Wells is alive.
It's not real because Atom is alive.
It's not real because my dad is alive.
Her breathing heightened as she fell into a panic attack. Her knees moved up to her chest and she placed her forehead against them. "What the hell is going on?" She managed between uneasy breaths. It felt like the room was closing in on her. There was nowhere to go, nowhere to be.
It's not real because it's too good.
It's not real because this is everything you've ever imagined…
This is how you pictured Earth…
This is how the books went,
And the movies played…
This is not real.
100
Dear Dad,
It's probably useless writing this letter to you because this isn't real but I wanted to say something before I left. Something you already know but I didn't say often enough. You are, were, the best person I know, knew. Your bravery is something I stride to have every day of my life as well as your compassion. It is with a heavy heart that I leave you and Wells… it is with a heavy heart that I say my final goodbye. I will mourn you for the rest of my life but these last moments…dream or not have made my life. Of course, the extra time will never be enough. I guess what I'm really trying to convey is the fact that I love you and will always love you.
I wish this was real but let's face the truth, we don't get what we want on Earth. We don't get happy endings. We face repeated trials that most likely in with repeated errors. That being said, I don't think that happiness is impossible. But I won't ever know if I don't return to my life.
This is our final goodbye,
Clarke.
100
Finn's familiar kiss touched her lips and she pulled back, placing both hands on his chest in an attempt to distance herself from him. You should be hugging him, holding on for dear life… "How are you?" She cleared her throat, looking down at the concrete underneath her feet.
"Worried about you…what the hell is going on?" He asked, touching her face with his fingertips. She pulled away once more.
"Do you know the best way to tell the difference between a dream and reality?" Clarke asked suddenly, her hand batting away another attempt for him to touch her.
"Hmm?" He asked, his eyes searching her face. He thought she was trying to be romantic. He was still a fool…still a charming fool.
"If it's too good to be true, it's probably a dream." Clarke said darkly, "When I first saw you…I was filled with this joy and it felt like the burden had been lifted. When I saw your name flash across my phone I was so happy…and I thought to myself, here we go—here's your second chance, Clarke but it's not real and even it were I realized something—"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"I don't know when or how I got over you." She started, meeting his eyes directly. "I don't know how because I told myself—swore—I would never forget, never let the pain end for myself. I killed you, Finn! I killed you and I shouldn't be able to move on and I've been blaming Bellamy for hesitating for so long when I haven't made the first move either. I told you I loved you…and I did, I still do, but I don't think I loved you the way you wanted to be loved or even the way you deserved to be loved."
He put his hand on her forehead, "Clarke…are you having a mental breakdown or something? I'm right here, I'm not dead."
She swatted his hand away, "It's not real, dammit! None of it is real!"
"Clarke!"
"I've got to wake up, I've got to wake up…"
Finn moved closer, "I'm going to take you to your mom." He gripped her arm and she flung him away with a defensive move Lexa taught her. "Where the hell are you going?" Clarke's feet hit the ground at a rapid pace. "Clarke, what are you doing?"
"I'm saying goodbye, Finn."
The best way to wake up from a dream…
Death.