Episode 4, Scene 2 - Caroline's thoughts in the coffee shop.
It was like a switch had been flicked on somewhere deep down inside of herself and an all-consuming sense of bravery and happiness flooded through her from head to toe. Caroline wasn't quite sure what exactly it was that had triggered that switch but she was grateful in any case. Despite knowing that she still had a long way to go, she instantly felt so much lighter because of it. She supposed it had been since her mother had reconnected with Alan and the change she had seen in her as their relationship had blossomed. As things had developed between them and as John had come back and let her down again, Caroline had begun to really consider what she wanted out of her life.
In many respects her marriage to John had been such a waste of time and energy, apart from the boys of course, nothing would make her regret having her two wonderful sons. She had done what was expected of her and pushed away any notion of something other than that. She really hadn't been looking for anything when Kate had come along and they genuinely had started out as friends. But it had been hard to deny the chemistry between them and the magical feeling that she had met someone special. At the time she had no chance of exploring it; John had still been living at home, even though she knew about his philandering ways, and Kate knew nothing other than what was on the surface. Caroline had been aware of the rumours that Kate had been in a relationship with a woman and she'd said as much during one of their friendly chats anyway. At that time Caroline had felt unable to use it as an opener to talk about her own sexuality issues and so, as always, it had been pushed aside.
And then John had left her for Judith. Kate had instantly stepped up and become such a tower of strength and a shoulder to cry on. One thing led to another and the closer they became, the more Caroline felt that she could finally do something about her feelings, but not openly. There was always a barrier, a sense that she was still doing something wrong and the impact of this 'thing' between them was likely to have a huge fallout. Caroline had never wanted to rock the boat, so for that reason she entered into a half-hearted fling with Kate and kept anything more serious at arm's length. She knew that she wasn't being fair to Kate, or herself, but Caroline didn't have the time or the confidence to think about it too deeply. Caroline had taken the easy way out when John had come running back to her after months away and she had yet again sacrificed any chance of a future she might have had with Kate. But this time felt different, something had changed within her, because of Kate, and even though she'd chosen the public face her heart remained heavy and bruised from the loss. As her mother's happiness had increased Caroline looked long and hard at herself and wondered why she kept choosing to live this way.
The moment she had cause to doubt John, Caroline had gone straight back to Kate. Really, if she thought about it hard enough she had been looking for an excuse, no matter how flimsy. They'd been making good progress but again Caroline still couldn't step over that last hurdle and be open about her feelings, even to Kate. She desperately wanted to tell her that she loved her, because she was in no doubt that she did, and show her exactly how much she cared for her. But she just couldn't make that leap because once it was out they would never be able to go back in again and it threw up far too many awkward questions for them both to deal with.
Which brought her back to the events of last night and the realisation that life was too precious and too short to be as miserable and depressed as she had been recently. She looked at her mother and Alan as they fully embraced the second chance they had been given and at Gillian who'd had such a difficult time dealing with her husband's suicide and bringing up Raff alone. Caroline had been scared to think that if she let things spiral out of control much more then she might end up feeling as desperate as Gillian's husband had done. She witnessed the family greeting each other with warm open arms and huge smiling faces outside the coffee shop and she almost felt like weeping with joy. She deserved to have that, everyone did, and the adrenaline flooded into her brain throwing plans and thoughts and emotions up into the air. Life was too short and she'd wasted so much of it already. It didn't matter what anyone thought anymore, she'd done her duty, she'd lived her life the traditional way and look where that had got her! Caroline beamed with excitement as everything started to come together at last.
As she continued with her drive back to Harrogate she called Kate on the hands free car phone. She was lucky that it was the middle of a free lesson and Kate was available to answer her phone.
"Book it." Caroline's excitement was so much that her words came tumbling out before she could explain herself.
"Caroline? Is everything alright?" Kate hadn't heard anything from Caroline since their conversation about Celia being missing yesterday evening.
"Yes, yes. Sorry I'm jumping ahead of myself. Mum and Alan are fine, they're safe and sound at Gillian's house. They'd been shut in at South Harram Hall overnight and were found first thing this morning."
"Oh, I'm so pleased. You must be relieved?"
"Very. Listen, I want you to go ahead and book that weekend away. Anywhere, I don't mind, I want it to be just us for a while." Kate went quiet at the other end of the phone. "Kate?"
"Sorry, I'm just surprised that's all. I sort of got the impression that you'd kind of changed your mind?" Caroline's face fell slightly as she realised that all her indecision had caused Kate to second guess everything between them.
"I've had a lot of time to think between last night and now, what with everything that's happened. I want to make a proper go of things this time, if you're amenable?" Caroline could have kicked herself, that wasn't exactly how she'd planned to ask Kate out properly.
"If you're sure?" Kate still sounded uncertain and Caroline thought to rectify that as soon as she could see Kate face to face.
"Kate, I lo…care for you very much. I want to get to know you better, spend some proper time together. Openly, if you want to. Look, I'm heading home to get a couple of hours' sleep and then I'm going to come into work for a bit this afternoon. I want to see you." That was an understatement. If she hadn't have been so bloody tired Caroline would have happily gone straight into work and sought Kate out. She was desperate to see her now that she had decided to fully immerse herself into their…relationship.
"I'll wait for you. Caroline, I…care a lot for you too." Caroline beamed with happiness as she turned into a road only a couple of streets away from her house.
"I'm nearly home, I'll see you later."