Hey there readers! Here we go with chapter 7 :)
Enjoy.
She could still feel his eyes upon her.
In the few years they'd known each other, watching her had always been one of his favourite pastimes– a fact she'd outwardly pretended to ignore, but deep down, had secretly always enjoyed just a little– but it had never, ever been like this.
All morning, the mystery of it had both baffled and consumed her, constantly occupying a space in the back of her mind. Despite allowing herself only the occasional fleeting glance in his direction, she couldn't resist surreptitiously observing him from the corner of her eye as she casually chatted and joked and laughed with the others, silently trying to puzzle it out.
It was approaching midday when a harried-looking nurse had bustled through the door, taking in the occupants of the room with a quick, appraising look before stating politely but firmly that they would all have to leave. Before they could question or argue, she spoke again, her voice stern and uncompromising as she insisted that Beckett needed time alone to rest and recover, then softening a little as she added that they could all return at 2pm to see her once more.
The announcement had been met with much grumbling from Lanie and the boys; resigned looks from her father, Martha and Alexis; and from Castle, no outward reaction at all, although his eyes had suddenly seemed darker, the creases on his forehead just a little deeper.
His behavior made no sense, no matter which way she'd thought about it– and though she was supposed to be resting, she'd spent a vast portion of her mandatory two hours of solitude thinking about it– and frankly, it worried her. Never had he been this distant towards her, not even back when she'd been with Tom, and she couldn't help feeling a little frightened of what it meant.
Then, after agonizing over it for almost the entire two hours, running though every possibility in her mind, it had finally hit her.
And in that moment, she finally knew the truth.
Castle was getting ready to walk away.
The realization was like an iron band wrapping around her chest, making her lungs constrict painfully, leaving her stunned and breathless. Her eyes began to water as the dull background ache of her bullet wound was suddenly overshadowed by a much sharper pain in her chest, one that stabbed deeper with every breath, hurting in a way that even her powerful cocktail of pain meds could do nothing to ease.
Gasping in several ragged, painful breaths, Beckett fought back the panic that was rising within her, threatening to take over. In a corner of her mind, the more pragmatic side of her personality declared that her reaction was foolish and irrational, and that she needed to get a grip on herself. Latching onto that thought, Beckett forcefully brought herself back under control once more, stubbornly willing her breathing to steady and her heart rate to calm.
When at last she could think clearly once more, she forced herself to think it through, analysing the clues just like she would for a case, using what she knew and what she'd observed to form a conclusion.
The distance, the silence, the nagging feeling that the others all knew some secret that she didn't; it all lined up. Taking a deep, steadying breath, Beckett faced the unavoidable, undeniable fact.
Richard Castle was no longer her partner.
And she couldn't blame him. She'd placed his life in danger more times than she could ever count, almost getting him shot, beaten, frozen to death, or even blown up– and though he'd always casually waved it off as being no big deal, she knew that this time was different. This time it was a big deal.
Because this time, she had brought a killer right into their own backyard. This time, she had not only endangered his life, but the lives of his family, the only two people in the world that he truly cared about.
Of course he was going to leave. It was completely rational, the only truly advisable thing to do in order to protect his family. She knew he had valued their partnership, and had even considered her a close friend, but her obsession with her mother's case had pushed the boundaries, risked too much, and now he was throwing in his cards. He was going to cut his losses and run, while he still could.
She was simply too dangerous, and she understood that.
But that didn't stop it hurting. It had taken her some time, but eventually she'd believed that when he'd told her 'always' he'd truly meant it– because she had, when she'd finally allowed herself to say it back– and though she understood why he now had to break that promise, it didn't make it any easier to bear.
And so, with Royce's words of warning echoing hauntingly in her ears, she'd simply closed her eyes and let the tears fall; hot, silent tears of loss and hurt and regret, leaving cold, moist tracks upon her cheeks as she'd mourned the foolish dream that had been herself and Castle.
###
Of course, when the knock had come at her door at precisely 2pm, she'd employed all of her acting skills to ensure she appeared completely normal, her eyes dry and a welcoming smile upon her lips. Warmly greeting the procession that trooped through her door, Beckett was surprised but pleased to see Martha and Alexis once more amongst them, both giving her wide, genuine smiles.
No wonder Castle had looked so grave earlier; at some point he was going to have to tell them that they wouldn't be seeing her anymore, and no doubt they would demand to know why. Despite her own hurt, she felt a small stab of sympathy for him; she knew that Alexis, especially, wouldn't understand that what he was doing was for their own good.
As she had that thought, Castle himself stepped into the room, once again the very last of the group to enter. Biting the inside of her lip, she lifted her eyes to his, hoping that he would see that she knew now what he had to do, and that she understood. For a brief moment their eyes locked, and he gave her the smallest smile and nod, even that tiny sign of acknowledgement causing her breath to catch in her throat, her heart thudding painfully in her chest.
Scarcely managing a small nod in response, Beckett dropped her gaze, then swiftly recollected herself before lifting her eyes once more to smile at her other visitors, her steady hazel eyes betraying none of the anguish she felt inside.
Her father was the first to step forward, giving her a smile and a kiss on the cheek before moving back to make room for Lanie, whose dark eyes were flicking back and forth between her and Castle, her expression curious. Looking up at her, Beckett sent her a slightly pleading look, praying that her best friend would at least be tactful enough to wait until everyone else was distracted before she launched the inquisition that was undoubtedly imminent.
She needn't have worried, however; with an understanding look, Lanie simply took her hand and gave it a small squeeze, before immediately embarking on a completely casual, easy conversation about the brand new type of burger she and the boys had eaten at Remy's for lunch, and how all the staff had wanted to send her one as a get-well gift.
"I would have taken them up on it if I'd really though that we would be able to get it all the way here without one of those two–" she jerked her head towards Ryan and Esposito, who were again chatting casually with her father, "–devouring it."
Grinning, Beckett allowed herself to relax, letting Lanie direct the flow of conversation so that she was mostly able to just sit and listen, only occasionally answering a question or contributing a comment or two as the time passed. And though she determinedly kept her attention focused on Lanie, from the corner of her eye she could just catch a glimpse of Castle, standing tall and silent beside her father on the other side of the room.
That in itself was one of the things that had surprised her most since she'd woken; the mystery of her father's reaction to Castle.
Mere minutes after Castle had entered the room that morning, her dad had quietly crossed the floor to stand beside him, even placing a gentle hand upon his shoulder as they spoke softly to one another in tones too low for her to hear. Even in her brief glances she had seen the worry in her father's eyes as he'd looked at Castle, his gaze holding a depth of concern and caring and familiarity that had surprised and confused her; after all, until the day of the funeral they had been total strangers, two men who had heard a great deal about each other but never actually met.
Even now, hours later, Castle and her father were once again side by side, standing with Martha and Ryan just a few feet from the end of the bed. Esposito had joined Lanie by her bedside just a few minutes ago, the two of them chatting and keeping her company whilst also bickering incessantly amongst themselves. Even Alexis was still here, quietly doing homework in a corner after having pulled out her books with an apologetic look at Beckett.
And so the afternoon flowed on, everyone chatting and joking together, the occasional extra friend or co-worker dropping in for a quick visit to say hello and wish her well. But no matter how many came or went, her 'family' always remained, the seven of them providing constant company and conversation, a fact for which Beckett was immensely grateful.
And yet, at the same time, their presence had its downfall; with all of them constantly in the room, there was simply no way she could find an opportunity to speak privately with Castle, as she so desperately wanted– needed– to do.
She needed him to know that she'd forgiven him for what he had to do, but even more, she needed to know that he had forgiven her for all that she had done. And though she tried hard not to acknowledge it, she knew that deep down, she still held onto the tiny, vain flicker of hope that maybe– just maybe– she had been wrong, and that maybe he had meant always, after all.
At one point, when everyone's attention was suitably diverted for the moment, Beckett allowed herself to sneak a quick glance at him, studying him silently. She'd noticed as soon as he'd re-entered the room that he looked different now to how he had this morning; during the two hours' break he'd clearly been home to shower and change, and was now once more dressed in his usual crisp shirt and jacket, his hair neat and his face clean-shaven. But not even the familiar attire could mask the dark circles under his eyes, or the fact that he was noticeably thinner, the angles of his face sharper than she remembered.
As if sensing her eyes upon him, Castle suddenly looked up, his gaze meeting and holding hers. Swallowing slightly, she steeled herself, then tilted her head just a fraction to the side; a silent invitation. For a brief moment he simply looked back at her, his blue eyes unreadable, and then to her relief he gave a tiny nod, taking a small step closer.
Before he could take another, however, there was a curt knock at the door, followed almost immediately by the click of the catch as the door opened.
Seeing the small crowd already filling the room, Josh hesitated for a split second upon the threshold before summoning up an easy smile, giving them all a brief nod.
"Hey, guys," he said casually, stepping past Castle to cross the room to her bed. Her other visitors all gave polite greetings in response– all except Castle, who silently retreated to his previous position by the wall, his expression once again carefully blank, completely devoid of any emotion.
Swiftly hiding her frustration and disappointment, Beckett once again forced a welcoming smile.
"Hey, Josh," she greeted, deliberately injecting warmth into her voice as he stepped close to the bed, taking her hand. Quietly both Lanie and Esposito moved away from the bed to join the others on the other side of the room, giving she and Josh some space.
"Hey there, Sweetie," he said warmly, squeezing her hand. "How's your day been?"
Sending a glance around at the others in the room, Beckett's smile grew more genuine, then faltered just slightly as her eyes fell on Castle. Swiftly looking away, Beckett returned her gaze to Josh.
How had her day been? Devastating. Shattering. Heartbreaking. "Good. It's been good."
"That's great," was his smiling response, before he added apologetically, "And I'm sorry I'm just getting here now, I know visiting hours are about to end, but I've been totally run off my feet all day. Really, it's been crazy."
Beckett smiled, shaking her head slightly. "No, that's okay. You've got patients to treat, lives to save, that kind of thing."
Josh chuckled. "That's true. Actually, this afternoon I had a guy go into ventricular fibrillation while I had my hand in his chest– god, it's such the weirdest feeling, like the heart is a bag full of hyperactive worms or something. But it's okay, I got my hand out of there and we performed defib straight away, so his rhythm normalized pretty quick. Really, he was extremely lucky it happened while he was on the table and not out on the street– V-fib can kill in a matter of minutes. He's on all the proper treatment now, though, so he should be just fine."
"That's amazing, Josh, really," Beckett responded, attempting to sound interested and attentive while using all of her self-control to keep her eyes from straying in Castle's direction.
Just at that moment, there was a brisk knock at the door, which then opened to reveal a tall male orderly, his broad frame filling the doorway.
"I'm sorry, but visiting hours are now over," he stated, his tone allowing for no argument. "I'm going to have to ask you all to leave."
Glancing over, Beckett noticed the orderly focus specifically on Castle, folding his arms across his chest and fixing him with a stern look. Lifting an eyebrow in confusion, she looked around at the others, none of whom appeared to find the orderly's behaviour even the least bit odd.
Seeming to accept that they wouldn't be able to stay any longer, her visitors began heading towards the door, calling warm goodbyes to her and cheerfully assuring her that they would be visiting her at home tomorrow. After a few moments, the room was significantly emptier; aside from the orderly, only her father, Josh and Castle remained.
Approaching the bed, her father leaned down to give her a kiss on the cheek, his hand gripping her shoulder gently.
"I'll be back in the morning to take you home, Kiddo."
"Thanks, Dad," she answered, smiling up at him. "Goodnight."
As her father walked away, Josh squeezed her hand. "I guess I'd better run now too. Night, Kate."
Her eyes had still been on her father, who had paused to rest his hand briefly on Castle's shoulder, giving it a slight squeeze before following the others out the door. Now, hearing Josh's words, Beckett blinked, and focused.
"Oh… night."
Flashing her a quick smile, he crossed the room to the door, which Castle had also just reached. Both men paused for the briefest moment, before Castle took a slight step back, politely gesturing for Josh to pass ahead of him.
With a nod of acknowledgement, Josh took a step further, and immediately Castle turned to follow.
Her eyes on them both, Beckett couldn't help but be struck by the feeling that this whole situation was simply wrong. Too wrong. She'd let it go on far too long, and no matter what the consequences might be, she knew that she had to do something about it, right now.
"Wait," she called abruptly, and as one the two men turned back to face her. Swiftly glancing from one to the other, Beckett made a rapid decision, hoping desperately that it was the right one.
Swallowing slightly, she focused her gaze on Josh, silently praying that Castle would understand.
"Josh, could you stay a little longer? Please?"
Though she was still focused on Josh, she saw Castle turn away, but not before she saw the grim, pained expression he wore. Wordlessly he exited the room, leaving a surprised Josh behind him.
Swallowing the sudden lump in her throat, Beckett struggled to maintain composure. With Castle's abrupt exit, breathing had suddenly become difficult, a sharp knife of pain lodged deep somewhere in the vicinity of her heart. Blinking rapidly, she watched as Josh hesitated on the threshold, sending a glance in the direction of the orderly.
Giving a brief nod, the orderly stated, "Just a few minutes though, Dr Davidson. The patient needs to rest."
After another split second of hesitation, Josh gave her a quick smile. "Of course I'll stay, Babe."
Crossing back over to her bedside, he gripped the bedrails in his large hands, his dark eyes caring but slightly questioning as he looked down at her. For a moment Beckett was silent, watching the orderly leave the room, before she took a deep breath.
"I wanted to ask you about your trip to Chile." If she remembered right, he was due to fly out in a week, another three month trip.
"Oh, Katie, we don't have to worry about that right now–"
Beckett cut him off, her voice gentle, but firm. "I want you to go."
Josh paused, looking down at her, and she could see comprehension slowly beginning to dawn upon his handsome face.
"And when I come back…?" he asked quietly, his voice low.
Beckett sighed. "I'm sorry, Josh."
For a moment, neither of them even moved. Then, lifting her gaze slightly, she watched as he slowly lowered himself into the chair beside her bed, his head drooping, his eyes focused on his hands, which were clasped loosely in his lap.
For several moments there was silence, before he slowly lifted his head, his eyes meeting hers, dark with sadness and resignation.
"There's no fighting it, is there?"
Biting her lip, she shook her head, and he exhaled heavily, giving a slow, resigned nod.
"I understand."
"I really am sorry, Josh," she said quietly, then paused. She didn't want to hurt him further, but she didn't want to drag it out, either. Taking a deep breath, she added, "Is there… is there anything at my apartment you need to get? I'm sure Mary would let you in."
"Doubt it, she never liked me," Josh answered, lifting his head to give her a small, wry smile. Then he sighed. "But it doesn't matter, anyway. There's nothing of mine there."
For a moment his words hung in the silence, both of them acknowledging how true they really were. Giving her another small, sad smile, Josh stood, leaning down to press a soft kiss to her forehead.
"I'm glad you're okay, Kate."
Watching him walk away, Beckett blinked rapidly, holding back tears of sadness, guilt and regret.
"Thank you, Josh. I mean it."
Pausing at the doorway, Josh looked back at her for a moment. Then, with a slight nod, he turned away, closing the door behind him.
Left all alone in the stark white room, Beckett bit her lip, feeling the familiar burn of tears against the back of her eyelids.
Tears for the man she'd had, but had let go; and tears for the man she'd never really had, but had still lost.
And, for the second time that day, Kate Beckett simply closed her eyes and let the tears come.
Well, there it was. Bet you thought we were done with the angst-fest by now, hey? Nope. I felt it was only fair that Beckett have her share of the angstyness, after all Castle has been through in the past several chapters... and yes, I know you guys wanted to see them have a nice heartfelt one-on-one, but we all know that when it comes to the Caskett relationship, nothing happens as quickly or as easily as you want it to (man, do we know THAT fact well or what?). But anyway, patience, my young padawans. Simply trust in the Force...
And hey, at least I disposed of the shipper irritant, right? I totally count that as points in my favour lol.
Anywho, I'm just gonna say right now that it is insanely difficult to write Beckett (our super calm and collected, play-the-feelings-close-to-the-vest Beckett) practically pining over Castle, and to attempt to keep her in character whilst doing it. So, if you think I went over the top or if any particular part was just a little (or totally) off, don't hesitate to send me an abusive message telling me how terrible my characterization is. Or, you know, a polite suggestion for improvement would work too lol.
So anyways, as always thank you so much to all my fantastic crack dealers (I know the nickname is probably getting old by now, but it still greatly amuses me, so I'm going to keep using it indefinitely lol), and also a big thanks to everyone who has simply taken the time to give this story a read :)
Well, until next time, kids.
-Laura