Chapter Seven

Alone

The streets were busy, noises surrounding me and consuming my every pounding thought. No one spared me a look, and I felt a familiar feeling of being alone in a crowd. They all had attention for something else, something exciting that made them smile and feel and feel arm inside. A new purchase, shoes, games, books... I had nothing, just a raw pain in my very core. It was my solemn hour, my time of grim living. What was the point? I asked myself many times. I also wondered if she was alive...

There was a moment when I couldn't walk anymore. I was standing outside of a shop, staring in as the products shone in my face. I hadn't chosen to stand in front of the store for any reason. I just needed to stop for a moment and think, but the light caught my eye. A moment later the store had reached it closing time and the lights went out, myself with them. As the darkness was switched on, my remaining flare of brightness went out and I stumbled back into an empty bench. My knees folded in under themselves and I lay against the hard wood.

It was some time before I could even move my tired body. Every breath brought trembling sobs in my throat, so I took in tiny gasps and cuddled myself for warmth. I must have looked pathetic, for people were finally beginning to glace at me as they passed, but none of them were eyes I wanted to see. None of them were burning emeralds that possessed me and left my heart pounding. Now it barely beat at all as now I was truly alone without her.

"Nao? Is that you?"

My brow furrowed as I recognised the voice. "M-Midori?"

The flash of fiery red hair was close to my face as she knelt and studied me carefully. "You look terrible Nao," she remarked, placing a hand across my forehead in a motherly way. "Are you feeling okay? What are you doing here?"

My stomach clenched. I didn't want here. I didn't get along with any of the other HiME, least of all her now that Natsuki and I... I smiled at the thought of us being together, but it faded quickly. Was that really how she felt now? Did I still have a chance?
Two others appeared over her shoulder, both of whom made me groan.

"Midori, what's wrong with Nao?" Mikoto asked, grasping her jacket gently and tugging it like a child.

Mai, ever at her side, looked just as confused at the girl sounded. "That's a good question. Do you sleep here or something, Nao?"

Midori shot her a look instantly. "She has a temperature. I think she has a fever," she explained, grasping my wrist and checking my pulse, playing the role of doctor that she like to pretend at school. "You're in really bad shape."

I wasn't in the mood for this. My mother was either dying or dead, and I didn't even know. I was sure I would be able to feel it inside if she was gone for good, which meant that she must still be alive... but how long she had, I didn't know.

"Leave me alone," I muttered, sitting up and feeling my head sway on the side heavily until my neck ached. "You can't help me."

"Oh, come on, Nao? You can't still hate us now that the Carnival's over," Mai said, bending over to see me better beside Midori as Mikoto popped up between them, making it all look very awkward.

"That's right," Midori added, looking serious and playing teacher now. "We're always here to help you, so tell us what's happened to you, or we'll just have to drag you to a hospital."

A hospital? What good would that do. Those nurses and doctors couldn't help me, and besides, my mother was there, and I wasn't ready to know the outcome of what had happened yet. I couldn't deal with that on my own.

"I need Natsuki," I said, more to myself than the others. "She's the only one who can help me."

Midori, Mai and Mikoto stared at me blankly, the surprise too much for them. After all, they didn't know any better.

"Don't you two hate each other?" Mikoto asked, pressing a finger to her chin as she thought seriously. "And doesn't she already have someone she likes anyway?"

I felt myself going red, but I couldn't deny that I felt I 'liked' Natsuki too, in the way that made my breath catch and my heart stumble. The interned mention of Shizuru stung at me and I sank down into the bench under the pressure. "It's not like that," I lied. "She's just helping me out... but I ran away from her."

"Why?" Midori prodded, clearly hell-bent on finding out about my personal life. She sniggered as a thought crossed her mind, and I knew it couldn't be good.

"Did you go too far?"

My mouth fell open. "W-what? No! What the hell, Midori? It was nothing like that!"

She pressed further, that devious smile appearing on her face. "Sure, sure, Nao. We know what's going on."

There was no way I was going to deal with this childish behaviour when my emotions were roiling. I shook my head and stood, turning away from them. "Go to hell."

They didn't follow for a few moments and I headed in the direction of Natsuki's apartment. I would apologise, not that she would be that worried, really. It would all be okay. She would tell me that I was an idiot, and everything would blow over. The only problem was that I didn't think I would be able to make it all the way there. My entire body felt as though it were made of stone. It was so heavy and stiff that I could barely take a step without feeling like I was going to fall over. I must have looked absolutely useless, for after a few more seconds a hand gripped my arm and I was hoisted upright by Midori.

"You don't seriously think we'd leave you to walk all the way back, right?" she said with a grin. "How heartless do you think we are?"

I didn't reply to that question lest they leave me to crawl back to Natsuki's door.

Mai took my other arm and helped to half-drag me along the path. "You don't need to tell us what happened, I guess, but I will certainly be finding out from Natsuki," she added slyly.

Mikoto was walking in front of us, chattering away as I struggled to understand why they were helping me. I was too tired to ask, so I assumed they thought I was someone else. There was no other logical explanation.

"We're on a date, you know!" Mikoto suddenly piped up, winking at Mai in such a suggestive way that I almost let the sorrow lift for a moment and laughed. Almost.

"M-Mikoto!" Mai growled, her eyes searching the area for people who had been listening. "Don't just come out and say it like that!"

Midori was almost in hysterics. "I got these two to finally go on a date, and Mai won't even accept it! So sad for Mikoto..." She sniffed in pretend sympathy for the black haired wild girl who barely even knew what was going on.

I was in awe of these girls. How could they be so cheerful all of the time? It was sickening in a way, but then, incredibly inspiring. I wished I could forget everything like they could, but it was all too much to handle. Maybe all I needed was to be with Natsuki, to actually let her in more that I had been, and I could laugh and smile like they did. I needed to trust her completely without a doubt that she would let me.

We reached Natsuki's apartment in record time. One knock and she was at the door. I was surprised as how terrible she looked. She had been crying, that was evident from her reddened eyes, but it wasn't just that. She was deathly pale and had bruised eyes. It looked as though she had just come back from hell. Either that, or she had struggled to sleep.

"Nao?" she gasped as she saw me. I gave a small nod and hung my head shamefully. The look she gave me struck my heart. She was so disappointed, and my stomach flopped."

"We found her drowning in sadness on a bench," Midori explained, letting me walk to the doorway and grip it to regain my balance. "She told us that she needed to come back to you."

Natsuki looked touched. I caught the emotion for a moment, but she hid it immediately behind an understanding nod. Then she turned to me and her eyes were icy. "Go and get changed. You've been wearing those clothes for too long. Get some from the dresser."

She didn't say anything else, so I hurried into the house to avoid her eyes and headed to my room. Why was she so mad? Surely she had not been that hurt. I had assumed that she had been crying for some other reason, maybe Shizuru, but could it really be over me? There I was again, refusing to trust her.

I could hear her at the door, speaking to the girls that had rescued me from a night of self-pity. "You are welcome to come in if you'd like."

Mai refused, saying, "No, it's okay. We're in the middle of something anyway."

"Please," Natsuki pressed. She didn't want to be alone with me yet. "As a thanks for bringing her back."

Eventually they came in and the door shut tightly. I stepped away from the wall which was thin enough to spy on conversations and started to change my clothes into another pair that fit in with my choice again. Once I had finished I came back to the wall again, my curiosity claiming my control. I wanted to hear every word and savour it. I wanted to know what was bothering her so much.

Natsuki was telling them about what had happened, and my blood ran cold. Hearing it from her mouth was like standing in a blizzard.

"Her mother is still alive, I think. They haven't called to tell me if she isn't, and a doctor caught me up and took my number in case he needed to speak to me. Still, though, I don't know how long she has." Her tone had dropped to a deep sadness, and an icicle pierced through my chest. "Nao will shatter if she dies. I won't know what to do."

I swallowed and stared at the floor. My mother was alive, but she was dying faster than before. No one could know how much longer she had, but I knew now that she wouldn't last the week. She no longer had that precious time, and neither did I.

I didn't want to listen to the girls anymore as they spoke about my situation. I settled on the end of the bed and fell back amongst the soft animals. They all smiled down at me, their stitched faces showing imaginary sympathy. I grinned back at them and chose one out of the pile to cuddle. It felt so warm and soft that I didn't want to let go. I cried into its polyester fur, my tears sinking into it as I realised how angry Natsuki was with me. What would happen now? Would I ever feel safe to confide in her again?

A knock at the door alerted me and I quickly dropped the soft animal. I composed myself properly, wiping away the tears and running a hand through my messy hair as I approached the door and pulled it open.

Natsuki was standing there with her hands across her chest and a frown on her face. She too had cleaned herself up visibly, but her eyes were still tinged red.

"They wanted me to tell you that they hope you get better," she said, stepping into my room and pulling the door shut. Then she stood there, staring at the wood with her back to me. I felt so left out that I felt more alone than I ever had before. A tear ran down my face and I caught it with my hand.

"Natsuki... I'm sorry," I whispered, reaching out to take her shoulder. "Please forgive me."

The moment I touched her, she whirled around and gripped my face with her hands, her eye staring hard into my own. "What were you thinking?" she roared angrily, her nails digging into my temples. "You scared the hell out of me!" She released me with a cry and started pacing as I struggled for words.

"N-Natsuki."

"I thought you were dead, you know!" she continued, her face red with rage as she rounded on me again. "I thought you would go and kill yourself! Tell me, what got into you!"

What got into me? The answer was so simply that I cried it out to be heard. I wanted to whole world to know. "I saw my mother die, Natsuki! She died right in front of me!" I saw it again and again in my mind, the sounds, the feeling, the light that faded from her...

We both stood, panting, as our emotions ran wild inside of us. Neither of us were acting how we wanted to. None of us were thinking. My own brain felt so slow that I couldn't even react in time as Natsuki raised her hand in the air and slapped me hard in the face.

It was such a shock that I stumbled back onto the floor. My heart stopped for a moment at the attack. Did this mean she hated me? I could only stare as she blazed, her anger seething. She took a step towards me, gave me a long glare, then turned away with pain in her eyes.

Neither of us moved or spoke. I leaned against my bed, clasping a cold hand to my cheek to heal the burning. I was frightened of her, of losing her, and of what would happen next. She would probably kick me out after being such a thorn in her backside. I wouldn't blame her if she did.

But she didn't. She bent down and kissed me.

Her lips pressed against mine, so hard and firm that it was almost painful. I banged my head against the mattress as she forced herself forward, then she softened and the kiss so it was passionate but controlled, so full of care and love that I felt more tears fall. Never in my life had such a beautiful moment taken place. I felt that the world had stopped moving, that the room had disappeared, that the entire population had ceased. It was only us and this moment and my realisation.

I loved her.

She pulled away, her eyes clouded with more tears. I thought I had hurt her for a moment but she smiled and grasped my hands tightly in her own. They were shaking, but she held them until they stopped.

"Don't ever leave me like that again," she said quietly, caressing my palm with her thumb. "Don't ever scare me like that again."

"I swear, I never will," I gasped, realising how much pain I had caused her. I could finally believe it as she had proved it in a way I couldn't deny.

"Good, because if you do, I'll hunt you down and kick your ass," Natsuki said, smiling her evil little smile.

She was the same old Natsuki.

I was exhausted from emotions, so she decided that I had to sleep. Nothing had changed, yet everything had. We had kissed and shown our feelings for each other, yet we acted the same. It was simply because we were who we were, and we loved that about each other. Nothing would change, not on the outside.

I rested down on my pillow, Natsuki sharing my bed with me for the night, telling me that she still didn't trust me. I didn't mind at all, and I let her take most of the pillow and the blanket, I let her lay awake until I fell asleep, and I let her tell me over and over again that if I told anyone that she had kissed me, she would kill me.

Never once did she tell me that it was all a mistake, and never once did she take it all back. She stayed as I stared at her, watching her as she waited patiently for me to fall into the darkness, but I wasn't ready to fall asleep yet.

"Natsuki, I hope everything will be okay," I admitted, thinking of my mother. "I mean, I hope she lives."

"Of course you do. She's your mother."

I nodded. "I know, but..." I trailed off. Damn, I hated talking about my feelings. Even though I trusted Natsuki with my heart and soul and so much more now, it was still hard.

"Hey." Natsuki rolled over to face me. Our lips were only inches apart. "Everything is going to be fine. Even if the worst happens, I will be here, I swear."

That was what I needed to hear. I pulled myself closer to her until we were almost hugging. "When you kissed me, I forgot about everything," I said, remembering the minute we had shared when the world had fallen away. "I forgot about the pain, the sadness, the regret, everything that had been hurting me." I pulled my arms around myself to guard against it all as it returned, but Natsuki pulled my hands away and held onto me lightly, her face closer to mine.

"Then let me take it all away again," she said softly. "It's all I want to do." Our lips met and everything was gone again. All that remained was our love and care, and the truth that we were together in this.

Nothing and no one would pull us apart.

Right?