Oh… Oh... Oh... ah
Go Deidara Go!
Deep inside the Akatsuki where people are running wild
Coming to the rescue is a very special child
Molding clay animals and throwing a kunai,
This rough and tough adventurer is working all the time
Yo Viene Deidara... Deidara… Deidara… Go, Deidara, Go!
Pein's on a mission we're going for a ride
Deidara is on the road with Little Tobi by his side
discovering together, yeah were always having fun
blowing up each other is good for everyone!
And there goes Deidara... Deidara… Deidara... Go, Deidara, Go!
"Pein."
"Konan."
"Pein."
"Konan."
"Pein!"
"No."
BAM!
"Damn it Konan…Fine."
Pein rose from the floor where he fell after being pushed out of bed.
"This better be good…" He growled as he walked towards Tobi's room.
"Question me, Sasuke! It is your duty!"
Pein pushed the door open and sleepily stared at Tobi and Sasuke.
"No, damn it, I'm not playing 20 questions with you!" Sasuke yelled back.
"Tobi… What's going on here?" Pein asked.
"Uh… LEADER! T-Tobi's a good boy and just brought in a playmate."
"And tied him to a chair?"
"Yes."
"Hn… and what exactly are you doing?"
"THIS IDIOT KIDNAPPED ME AND…" Sasuke started before his mouth was covered.
"We were playing 20 questions." Tobi answered.
"Of course you were…" Pein said before closing the door. He began to walk away… but…
"Itachi killed by the village's orders, Sasuke."
Pein stopped in his tracks.
"Lies."
"He spared you, Sasuke."
Pein was glued to the door for the rest of the story.
"You better be happy. I saved your ass from Sasori's rage. It wasn't the damn jaguars, Kakuzu." Konan said.
"Thanks, I guess."
"That's right… Now he's coming home today. He has to take it easy for a while, got it?" Konan asked.
"Yeah, yeah…"
Just then, Pein stomped down the stairs with Kisame at his heels.
"But Itachi would never…"
"I heard it from Tobi myself!"
"It's TOBI for god's sake!"
"Madara, to be exact."
"He just says that!"
No reply.
Then, the door opened.
"I don't remember being attacked by jaguars, Sasori." Deidara said as he walked in.
"But Konan said…"
"OF COURSE HE DOESN'T REMEMBER! They also caused brain damage." Konan said.
Sasori broke down sobbing as he thought of the oversized animated cats attacking his partner.
Then, Tobi walked down the stairs. He had a squirming, yelping bag over his shoulder.
"What's in there?" Kakuzu asked.
"Nothi… SEMPAI!" Tobi screeched, running up to the blonde.
"No, NO, NO, NO! TOBI, I CAN'T…"
But, despite the warnings, Deidara was glomped. Tobi's squirming bag revealed its contents after being dropped. A shaken and wide-eyed Sasuke emerged from the bag.
"I-Itachi…"
Pein punched him in the face after mentioning his brother.
"What was that for?" Konan asked.
"Itachi is a traitor." Pein said.
"No he's not!" Kisame insisted.
Pein glared at him.
"I do not know where Sasuke is!"
"Trouble?" Kakuzu asked as his face lit up.
"Doesn't matter, because Deidara can't go." Konan reminded him.
"Sure he can. He can walk, can't he? And Tobi can take care of him."
"Tobi? Take care of Deidara?" Sasori asked.
"Sure. He is 'Madara', after all."
Sasori stared at Tobi, who was currently strangling Deidara with a hug. Sasori pulled him off.
"Tobi's a good boy!"
"My brother's whereabouts are not… OW!"
"Oh, 'Cmon… Please? Can't we just see who it is?" Kakuzu asked.
Konan sighed before walking over to Neji's trap door.
"Neji?" Konan asked.
Neji rose from the trap door.
"Wha?"
"We gotta see who's in trouble." Kakuzu said.
"Byakugan."
"Okay, kids. Unfortunately, we haven't gone shopping lately, and had nothing to drink but beer last night. I think Neji's still a bit out of it. You'll have to help him." Konan said. Neji leaned against the windowsill for support.
"…M'kay… Let's see here…" Neji said as the screen zoomed across the land.
"We have to save Sasuke!"
"Is this the person… Uh… In trouble?"
"No."
"…mmmm…. Nope… (Hic)… Naruto…" Neji said before moving on.
"Oh, Kabuto!"
"Okay… Man porn that's DISTURBING! MOVIN' ON!" Neji screamed after he zoomed in on one of Orochimaru's 'private moments'.
"I do not know where my brother…"
"LIAR!"
BAM!
"Is this the person?"
"YES!"
"Yup…"
Itachi was tied to a tree, Sakura and Ino with some yaoi paddles.
"You know where he is, you bastard!"
"No I don't…"
He was hit in the face again with the plank of wood… By Sakura, to be exact.
"Huh… Hey, maybe we should send someone…" Konan said.
"I'll go." Deidara offered.
"Deidara you just…" Sasori started.
"I'm fine…" He said.
"Cool! Get out there! Wait, who is it, Konan?"
"Itachi."
Pein jumped up from his seat.
"You're not going anywhere!" He yelled.
"…Uh… Okay." Deidara said, sitting down.
"But…" Kakuzu started.
"No. Itachi is a traitor and will be treated as such."
Pein left the room to chill.
"…Well, see you later, Deidara." Kakuzu said.
"But Pein just…"
"Let me handle him."
The rest of the room stared at him.
"…Wait… Let Hidan handle him. He can't die."
"Okay… Bye." Deidara said, walking out. Tobi ran out after him.
"Tobi thought you didn't like Itachi-Sempai."
"I don't." Deidara said.
"Then why are you… Wait… Tobi doesn't like where this is going."
"Whatever. You'll get over it."
Sasuke walked up to Deidara.
"Can I come?"
"No. You don't appreciate my art."
"But… Please? I must see Itachi!" Sasuke said.
"No." Deidara said, letting his clay bird grow.
Sasuke fell to his knees and clung to Deidara.
"Get off me!" Deidara yelled, shaking Sasuke.
"NO!"
So, Deidara was forced to bring Sasuke along. Ouch. Most of the ride was an awkward silence…
"…So… What's up, kids?" Deidara asked the camera.
"TOBI'S A GOOD BOY!" Tobi yelled.
"NO YOU'RE NOT! YOU KIDNAPPED ME AND…" Sasuke started. Tobi covered his mouth.
"…Hm… Okay… Kids, seriously, what's up?" Deidara asked again. But they were too busy watching the background where Sasuke and Tobi were engaged in a pathetic wrestling match.
"Tobi is surprised that the stalker parrots are not here." He said after pinning Sasuke down.
"You're right…" Deidara said.
"They went to bug other people while you were gone…" Sasuke said, staring up at Tobi in disgust.
"And you know this how?" Deidara asked.
"I was one of them."
"Ah. But really kids, WHAT IS UP? You're so quiet it's unnatural."
Then, the world shook with tales of bedtimes and snacks.
"Never realized how boring these stories would be." Deidara said, fiddling with some clay.
"TOBI HAS A STORY!" Tobi screeched.
"Really? Go."
"Once upon a time in a place really far away…"
Tobi's story took a while.
"And so, everyone died. The end."
Sasuke and Deidara stared at Tobi in horror.
"Tobi… that was terrible."
"Tobi knows."
"Why does that sound so similar to what my brother did?" Sasuke asked.
"…Tobi… Doesn't know."
"I DO NOT KNOW WHERE MY BROTHER IS!"
"Ah. We're here." Deidara said, sending his bird down.
The three of them got off the bird.
"GREAT, YOU'VE GOT BACKUP!" Ino yelled.
"Ew… It's ugly, too." Sakura said.
"HEY! I'm very sexy, thank you." Deidara informed her.
The world shook with child and Fangirl screeches.
"See?"
"Yeah… OH MY GOD, SASUKE!" Sakura yelled.
"Um… Yeah, actually I'm just here to…"
But, Ino and Sakura tackled him into a bush, dropping their Yaoi paddles.
"…Okay… That takes care of that." Deidara said, walking up to Itachi.
"Oh thank god you're here. They're CRAZY I tell you!" Itachi yelled.
"Yeah…" Deidara said, picking up one of the paddles to inspect it.
"Those things hurt."
"Really?" Deidara asked, getting an evil grin.
"Um… Yeah, really…" Itachi said warily.
BAM!
"YOU LITTLE BASTARD! WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE I'LL KILL YOU!" Itachi yelled at Deidara.
"…Yeah, yeah…" He said, inspecting the paddle again.
Then, Ino and Sakura came out of the bush, giggling like crazy.
"…Tobi doesn't like the sound of that…" Tobi said.
"Nonsense." Deidara said, smacking Itachi with the paddle again.
Sasuke came out of the bush. He was covered in lipstick… and he was completely nude. Let me clarify that the lipstick was indeed EVERYWHERE. Strangely, Sasuke looked dreamily content… Until he saw Itachi.
"TOBI IS… GAH!" He screamed, falling to the ground.
"What?" Deidara asked, turning around. "Why are you… OH MY GOD!"
"Get your hands off my brother." Sasuke said, sounding intimidating.
"OH GOD! TAKE HIM, FOR ALL I CARE! JUST GET OUT OF HERE! AAAAAHHHHH!"
Itachi wasn't exactly happy to see him, either.
"Uh… No, that's fine; I'll get this rope myself."
"There's no way." Sasuke said, beginning to cut away at it.
Once the rope broke, Itachi pounced at Deidara. Sasuke dove at Itachi.
"DOGPILE!" Tobi yelled, jumping on top.
"Oh god… Ow…" Deidara said, struggling to get out of it.
"Oh no you don't, Blondie." Itachi said, grabbing his hair.
Deidara whimpered as Itachi lifted him up.
"You are a brat."
"I don't need you telling me that, too." Deidara said.
"I'd punch you if my arm weren't occupied by my brother.
Deidara giggled.
"Sucks for you."
Then, Sasori jumped into the clearing.
"If you hurt him I swear I'll tie you right back on that tree."
"You and what army?"
Sasori pointed at the screen.
Itachi rolled his eyes as he released Deidara, who ran behind Sasori.
"Pein doesn't want you coming back…" Sasori said.
"I know."
"YOU CAN COME WITH ME!" Sasuke yelled happily.
"No."
"But…"
"Will you please put something on?" Itachi asked.
"…Uh… Yeah." Sasuke said, slinking back into the bush.
"RUN!" Sasori yelled, grabbing Itachi's hand.
"I thought you said…"
"Figure it out later, run!"
So they ran all the way back to base.
Pein somehow knew they were there the instant they came in, and came to greet them.
"YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE!"
"Yes he is." Tobi said.
"No."
"Madara says yes." Tobi said, activating his Sharingan.
Pein opened his mouth to argue, but clenched his teeth and walked away.
"Okay, puzzle time." Deidara said.
"Is Itachi's brother Sasuke or Konan?" Deidara asked.
"Sasuke."
"Good." He said as the first piece moved into place.
"Um… Is Itachi an Uchiha, or a Hyuuga?"
"Uchiha."
"Good." He said again as the next piece moved into place.
"Does Deidara like Itachi?" Sasori asked.
"Nope."
"Great." He said as the next piece moved in.
"We're almost done!" Tobi said.
"Mmm… Is Itachi… Uh…" Deidara started.
"Does Itachi like his brother?" Tobi asked in his Madara voice.
"No?"
"Yes?"
"Maybe?"
"…Well… One of those had to be correct." Deidara said, sending the last piece in.
"Hey, it's a picture of Itachi and Sasuke from the village… Awww." Tobi said again in his Madara voice.
"Tobi, you feeling okay?" Deidara asked.
"Yeah, you sound a bit… different." Sasori said.
"Tobi is fine!" Tobi said happily.
A/N: HI! I'm out of the hospital early. They got a bunch of contagious kids and sent me home so I wouldn't catch anything.