Grief

I miss you.

Is this normal? Does everyone feel this way years after their special someone goes away?

Maka, what's happening to me? I remember telling you how I felt after defeating the Kishin. And I still feel that way. The best day of my life was when you told me you loved me back. I was so surprised when that happened.

As you all grew older and changed in different ways, I continued to stay the same. I still can't believe that Soul was the first one to pass on. He was a good man, and at least he was asleep when it happened. I can't say the same for Black*Star. I mean, I can't believe he got cancer. Tsubaki was stricken with grief when he left her. She absolutely refused to eat or do anything until she too followed her love. Is that what I'm feeling? Grief? It's stupid of me to say this, but I wish I could do the same as Tsubaki to meet you again.

Liz and Patty both were going out on their daily walks. Their old age didn't slow them down in the least. However, an armed man did. We still don't know why he had done it or who he is, but I'm still investigating. Isn't it ironic? They lost their lives in a similar environment as to where they were born.

And then there was you. Maka, to me, your death was the most tragic. You were the last one left from the group other than me. I remember it perfectly. You stared out of the window as you had been doing for months. And you always used to ask me the same question... "What decides when it's someone's time to go?" I used to reply every time with an "I don't know."

But on that particular day, you didn't ask me that, and instead you told me something that I often hear in my dreams. You specifically said, "I'm going to see everyone today. I can feel Death gnawing at my soul at this very moment, letting me know of what is to come. Is this what it feels like to finally let go? I have no regrets, Kid. I love you."

I held you after that. You had that same sweet smile that you always got when you were content. I cried when your heart stopped. It was the worst feeling in the world; even worse than when I lost my father. I could've brought you back, but I didn't. You wouldn't have wanted to be a shinigami, much less eternal life. I knew you wanted to see your friends once again.

I miss you.

I took my father's place at Shibusen and tried to be as great a shinigami as him. The students seemed to notice my distress and asked me constantly what was bothering me. I couldn't compare to Chichiue's aloofness, and it was difficult to cope with your death. Wasn't I supposed to be the great Death the Kid, related to Shinigami-sama himself?

I think about you everyday. To try and ease this pain I feel, I've even started writing in this journal. I don't know if it will help, but the first page has that picture of you that I've kept since I fell in love with you. Which is, in all honesty, the first day I met you. Before I went to Shibusen, my father gave me the school records of the students so I'd be able to make friends easily by knowing everything about them.

You were the one that really sparked my interest. When I first laid eyes on your picture, the one thing that I noticed was that you were symmetrical. That immediately made me want to meet you. But when I did, I realized that you were far more than just symmetrical. You were beautiful, smart, athletic, and feisty. Yes, I even liked that about you.

I miss you.

I wish you would have 'Maka-chopped' me at least once. It was the way you showed Soul Eater how much you cared about him. At the time, I was actually really jealous of your relationship with him, but I was a gentleman and wouldn't show it. There was only the occasional spiteful comment and resentful glare during class, but he never noticed.

Did you have feelings for him back then? Why am I even asking… It's obvious that you did. I don't know if you ever noticed, but every time Blair showed up in her human form and skimpy outfit, I looked away. It was my way of being faithful even though we weren't anything but friends. But when I glanced at you to see if you were paying attention, you were always glaring at Soul for his nosebleed.

There is a saying that goes something like 'Don't be upset that its over; be happy that it happened.' While it holds some truth, all I feel is grief. I am happy I met you, but… I want you here. I want to be with you right now. Where are you?

Maka, when will I be able to see you again? When our son grows up and takes my place? I don't know if I can wait that long. Why did you seem so happy to leave me?

I miss you.

I'm so lost right now, Maka. I need your guidance. What am I supposed to do? I'm all alone; everyone's left this world already. Is this how it was destined to end up? …Was this the way Chichiue felt when his friends died?

I would give anything to bring you back. I don't even want to be a shinigami and if symmetry would save you I would get rid of it entirely.

Do you see what you've done to me? If I never met you, I wouldn't be feeling this way… Would it be better that way? If I hadn't fallen in love with you, would I still be the same as back then?

But… Somehow, I wouldn't want to do that. I treasure our memories together more than I do myself. I hate this. I hate me. I still look as if I'm twenty or thirty and I don't have to worry about old age. Why couldn't I be normal? Or… Why couldn't you have been a shinigami?

…No. That was a stupid question. I couldn't do that to you. No matter how lonely I get, I don't ever want you to feel this, even if it eases mine. Actually, I've been saying I would 'wish' for certain things throughout this entry, and I finally know what I would actually use that wish for.

I wish I could go back in time to when I first fell in love with you. To relive those experiences…That would be the best wish anyone could give me. But the thing about wishes is… they rarely come true.

I miss you.