"Whatever it is you want, I am not in the mood. Get the hell out of my room."
I hear movement then the lights come on. I refuse to look in his direction. He is the reason why my heart is in such turmoil. I am not sure how long the silence stretches on. It could've been a hour or just a few minutes. I hear his shuffling footsteps and he is at the foot of my bed but I still refuse to meet his gaze. His voice breaks the uncomfortable silence.
"I know it is not my place to be here. I just wanted to see if you were ok. I see that you are so I will leave you alone."
He slowly makes his way to the door, looking back every few steps. I know he expects me to say something but what is there to say? We have already said all the things that needed to be said. It got us nowhere. Just to where we are now, on opposite ends of the world. I clear my throat and slowly look in his direction.
"Kota wait."
He stops and looks at me. We lock eyes and time stands still.
"Close the door on your way out."
I roll over and close my eyes. A few moments later, I hear the door shut and it is quiet. I don't feel bad for what I said. He is the reason why my heart is cold. He is the reason why I am this way. He will never see me at my most vulnerable, never again.
A stray tear slides down my cheek and I wipe it away before it hits the pillow. Fuck don't you dare start to feel shit now Kenny. Jesus keep your shit together. He has no power of you.
The rehab process is a little slow at first and painful but I do my best to push myself so I am ready for the last Destruction event in Kobe. It may not be a wise move to be having a match two weeks after surgery but I try not to dwell on it too much.
Before I know it, I'm off the crutches and can walk under my own power with a little bit of a limp. The rehab exercise that kills me the most is going up and down the stairs. A simple move for a healthy person but for someone healing from knee surgery, it's like climbing up and down a mountain side. I grit my teeth every time and push the pain out of my mind.
After every session, my knee becomes sore and a little swollen. I have to ice it down and elevate it to keep the swelling down. Matt and Nick call me daily to see how the rehab is going. I reassure them that I will be ready for the event, that the knee is holding up just fine despite the doubt lingering in the back of my mind.
Will the knee hold up during the match? What if I do more damage and set myself back even further? I use it as motivation to keep me focused on the main goal which is making it to my first title defense.
I am the face of the IWGP US Heavyweight championship. I was chosen for a reason to hold this belt. Of course they went with Okada to be the face of the company but I am the reason for the expansion after the G1 special in Long Beach. They needed someone who would bring prestige to a new addition among the other title belts. I know they made the right choice even though the ultimate prize is the IWGP Heavyweight championship. I didn't have those six star matches for nothing.
Time seems to fly after every session. The stairs become easier each day, I don't walk with a limp as much and I no longer need the crutches. The knee seems to be holding up quite nicely. The real test will be in the ring once I get back in there for some simple running the ropes and some simple bumps. Just thinking about that makes me a little nervous. I really don't want to set myself back.
When that day comes, it goes without incident which I am relieved. I feel that I am ready for this match now. The work outs are like second nature and I start to feel better. The match is days away and so far, I remain focused. The nightmares have lessened for the moment, thank God. Maybe I have gotten him out of my system.
I am getting ready for bed in my hotel room when I hear a knock on the door. It's quite late and I'm unsure of who it might be. It can't be Matt and Nick since they are in the states. I sigh in frustration, knowing full well who it could be. I almost get a flash back of that night but I block it from my mind.
I slowly open the door but no one is there. I look up and down the hall way. Maybe I was hearing things. I am about to walk back in when I look down and see a note lying on the floor. I pick it up but wait till I close the door to open it. I recognize the handwriting and resist the urge to crumble it into a ball.
"Good luck in Kobe. I will be watching."
I read it a few more times before ripping it in half and tossing it in the waste basket. The nerve of this...Kenny don't let him get to you again. He could be playing mind games. This is NOT worth your time.
It takes me a while to fall asleep since my mind began to race again. I drift off, hoping nothing will come out of the dark and cripple me emotionally like before. Of course my plea falls on deaf ears as another memory drifts into vision.
I feel myself shivering, my body is slick with sweat. The cool air is caressing my skin as the sheet sticks to my chest and stomach. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears as I grip the sheets with my fingers. I do my best to relax but I'm afraid. A feather light kiss on my cheek brings me back to reality as I close my eyes. The sensations running through me are indescribable.
I feel like I am on fire. The world around me is spinning. I feel dizzy and out of breath. When I finally speak, I sound so far away.
"Kota please...I'm scared."
His kiss trails down my cheek to the side of my mouth as I kiss him back. He hums softly to me, caressing my bare skin with his hands as I feel myself melt with desire.
"Trust me Kenny. That is all I ask. Now just relax my love. Just breath slowly."
Words escape me as I nod yes and feel his lips on the back of my neck and move slowly down my back. I take a deep breath and almost yell his name as the sudden sensation.
His lips are near my ear as he reassures me. "Shhh Kenny I am here. Relax anata."
I do as he says and my body screams with pleasure.
The moment I see next is us lying in a tangle of sheets, both breathing hard and facing each other. He is looking into my eyes and wiping a stray tear from my cheek.
"Jesus Kota that was..."
He puts his finger against my lips and pulls me close for a gentle kiss. So many emotions are coursing through me that I almost want to cry with joy. I kiss him back, running my fingers through his slick hair. He pulls back and smiles.
Just before he speaks, I hear my alarm go off which startles me. I am almost thankful that it drew me out of that memory. Before it fades into the back of my mind, it was the first time we were ever...it was my first time. Fuck why did it have to be that? I seem to be asking myself that more often than not.
It takes me a while to get ready for another quick rehab session before going to the ring and going over the match with Juice Robinson. I plan to do as much work as I can to keep my mind busy.
Both sessions go by quick and before I know it, I have some free time for a work out. It feels good to be back in the gym. Feeling the burn in my muscles helps my mind stay sharp and focused for the upcoming match. It is only a few days away and I can't help but feel butterflies.
I always feel butterflies before big matches. I always say if you don't then what's the point any more. My passion to become one of the best is what drives me. That is what I keep in mind going into this and the event is already a sell out so the people are as excited as I am.
The day finally comes and I am as ready as I'll ever be. I am the main event of the card and the arena is packed. So many Bullet Clubs shirts are in the crowd that I can't help but smile. Today is the day to really show I am ready for my first title defense. To show the world that my knee will hold up and I didn't come back too early. Yes two weeks for this type of surgery was insane since it normally takes a month of rehab and rest. I'm gonna show everyone why I am as good as I say I am.
When it is time to go out, I can feel the eyes of everyone on me. I even feel a familiar pair staring at my back but my adrenaline is pumping so hard that I don't even notice. Thankfully the match itself goes off without a hitch. Yes we teased a little bit with the knee, reminding the crowd of what I went through. Despite being a little hesitant at first, we hit the ground running and it turned out beautifully. I ended up retaining my title but it was still a great match back. Yes I even got my next challenger when I went to the back for interviews which will come up for the Global Wars tour in Chicago for Ring of Honor.
It happens to be Yoshi-Hashi who seems to keep riding on the fact that he beat me during last year's G1. I don't see him as much of a challenge so that match will be a breeze in Chicago. I wouldn't have minded facing Juice again since it's his home town but the powers that be didn't see it that way.
As I head to the back after the match, a fan with a Ibushi towel waves it in my direction at the top of the ramp. I shake my finger at him, like nice try and wave him off as I turn my back. I do my best to not let it affect me or at least let it show.
I go the dressing room and take my bags with me back to the hotel. I can't help but look around because I know Kota was probably watching some where. I'm too exhausted to deal with him at the moment. He would ruin my great mood just for spite. That's the feeling that I have as I walk thru the hotel and into the elevator.
I cannot wait to take a nice hot shower and relax before I head to the States for Ring of Honor tour. Just thinking about those dates makes my bones hurt but I snap out of my daze as the doors open. As soon as I turn the corner, I see a familiar figure outside my door. God damn him I fucking knew it!
I freeze as he looks up in my direction. He stands there with his hands in his pockets, looking guilty as all hell. I knew he would be watching just like his note said but I was not prepared for this. Not now, shit not ever as long as I still breathe.
I walk towards him, making my gaze as hard as stone. He needs to know that he has no business being here outside my door like this. He needs to know that I don't give a damn about him any more.
Time stands still as I stare him down. He avoids my gaze, knowing full well that I am showing no weakness.
"You know I could kick your ass just for being here. You seem to not be getting the message here. Am I going to need to spell it out for you Kota?"
He looks down as he speaks. "You looked good out there tonight. I was worried about your knee."
"Don't lie to my face. You were watching just like the note said. I don't know what sick game you are playing here but I'm not buying it. Stop acting like you give a shit because that ship sailed a long time ago. I think it is time for you to just leave me alone. You go your way and I will keep going mine. It's better this way and we have nothing more to say to each other. At least I have nothing more to say to you."
He gazes up at me with a single tear sliding down his cheek. At one time that would've brought me to my knees but now, I feel nothing but anger. He has no right to try to tug at my broken heart strings. My hands start to shake with rage as I shove him against the door. He stumbles a bit and I take that moment to unlock the door, trying to escape him.
He looks up at me in surprise and knocks my bag out of my hand. I push him again and he pushes me back. I see the simmering rage beneath the tears which makes me take a swing at him. I catch him on the side of the face and he tackles me, pushing us inside the room. I hit the floor with a thud and start trying to get him off me.
He socks me in the face a few times and I do my best to block the blows. I kick him off me for a moment and we both get up, breathing hard and bleeding from cuts and scrapes on our faces.
"Why don't you just leave me the fuck alone Ibushi? Why is it so hard for you? Can't you see that I don't love you any more?!"
He appears taken back by my words but he doesn't move away from the door which is now open. At this point, I don't care who might have heard the scuffle or who might be listening to the fight now. I just want him out of my life for good.
"You're lying to yourself Kenny. I know you well enough to know when you are. I know deep down inside of that black heart of yours, you still love me. I can see it in your eyes even now. I saw it after the G1, I saw it when I came to your room afterwards. You can try to deny it all you want but we both know, it will never fade completely. I am sorry I left. I shouldn't have and that still haunts me even now. Maybe it is foolish of me to pursue you. Maybe I am sick but know that I never stopped thinking about you during our time apart. You were never far from my thoughts. Saying it won't change anything between us. You will continue to hate me for breaking your heart. I deserve it, all of it. If you want to hit me again, go ahead. Get it out of your system." He puts his hands behind his back as his lip bleeds and the side of his face swells from the first blow.
At that moment I feel tears burn my eyes and I hear a soft sob escape my lips. For a second my feet refuse to move but when they do, I feel like they are weighed down by lead. I am a few inches from him as my hands shake at my sides. My stomach is in knots as a few tears slide my bruised cheeks. I pull back with my right hand and hit him as hard as I can. His head jerks to the side and I see blood drip out of the corner of his mouth.
Things seem to move in slow motion. I see myself pull him into my arms, pushing the door closed with my foot. I am not sure how long I stand there holding him but a sudden heart breaking sob breaks the silence. It takes me a moment to realize that it's coming from me. I seem to break all at once. The emotional dam breaks and everything pours out of me.
I feel his arms around my back as he holds me as I cry my heart out. I don't know how long we stay like this but when I finally look up, he kisses me softly. I taste the blood from his cracked lip as I kiss him back. I see him smile as he runs his fingers through my curls.
"There's my anata."
I feel more tears stream down my cheeks as I answer. "I got lost but...I'm here."
He kisses me on the forehead which makes me smile. "Do you trust me?"
Hearing those words outside of my dreams makes me weak in the knees that I am almost leaning against him. I nod my head yes.
He leads me to the bed but we don't sit just yet. He caresses the bruise on my cheek and I lean into his touch. His hand moves to my shirt but I stop him. I put a finger on his lips and take his shirt off. I toss it to the side and pull off my own, tossing it aside. I let my fingers trail down his chest and stomach. The effect I am having on him is written all over his face.
I unzip and let his jeans fall off his hips, sliding to the floor. He pulls my sweats down and they slide down to my ankles as I step out of them, watching him do the same. By this time, I am shaking with desire and need.
I want to ravage him but it takes everything I have to stay in control. It will be worth the wait, that much I know. We lie next to each other on top of the sheets, facing one other. Jesus this is just like my dreams, all those memories but only this time it's for real.
I slowly pull him close and kiss him with a hunger I only felt in my dreams. He returns my need with a feverish kiss of his own. He rolls me on my back but I surprise him by taking control. I put him on his back, not breaking the kiss. I hear him whimper as I press against him.
My lips move to the side of his face, to his ear and down his neck. I let my tongue trail down his chest and I hear a soft gasp. I kiss down his stomach and slowly pull down his boxer briefs.
I tease him a little, making him moan and grip the sheets with his hands. I look up at him and roll him over on his stomach. He whines in protest but I kiss the back of his neck, running my hands up and down his body. I can feel myself throbbing with desire, I cannot hold back any more.
I spit on my hand, making sure I don't hurt him as I enter him from behind. Both of us cry out at the sudden sensation. Before I realize it, I cry out of his name and he cries out mine as we collapse on the bed. Both of us are shaking and the world is spinning around us.
It takes all of my strength to lie next to him and pull him close to me. He puts his head against my sweaty chest and we both try to catch our breath. When he tries to speak, I kiss him hard. I don't want reality to ruin this moment. I want to stay in this moment forever. Let the world be damned.
We continue to make love throughout the night and finally fall asleep in each others arms. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. All I care about is now.