Disclaimer: SM owns everything in the Twiverse, but please don't steal my plot.

My head spins with all that's been going on. But I'm still here, still working on this story, and still thanking God for each one of you.

Hope you're still here.

STORY RECAP: Edward leaves Rosalie after their failed attempt at consummation in "Black Ice," landing in Denali. Though enjoying his Alaskan cousins' hospitality, he is stunned by news that Rosalie has mated with Emmett. To recover, he accepts Tanya's offer to make things better for him. Rosalie overhears Carlisle and Esme discussing his affair with Tanya, prompting her to examine her feelings. Though shocked by the report (and believing Tanya is wrong for Edward), Rosalie is glad he's moved on. Ready for a life with Emmett, she confesses everything about her death, the revenge, and Edward. Unfazed, Emmett accepts her truth and confirms his love, prompting her to reciprocate.

And now, we return to Edward.

Chapter 7: Touched

Edward's POV

I come down slowly, reluctantly, the vestiges of our encounter slipping through my fingers like so many grains of sand.

My thoughts reject reality, and I curse myself.

This was a terrible idea.

Heavy breaths cadence my thoughts, every exhale tugging on the taut, live wire my body has become.

I sense her presence beyond my reach, mind whirring with images of us. Want and wariness war within her, and I wish the former were better served.

The latter I have no right to question.

Eyes shut, I survey my physical state, stunted and uncertain. Limbs akimbo and soul on fire, I feel everything yet never enough. There is more to yield, secret depths to surrender, and no earthly end in sight.

"Edward?"

She startles me, a sure sign of failure. "Yes?"

"I need to go."

"Go?"

"Yes." She is embarrassed, though not for herself. "I need to return to the house to change my clothes and..."

"Of course. Don't let me keep you."

Though my eyes are averted, her concern presses on me like a familiar weight. "Are you all right?"

"Yes. Thank you, Tanya."

"Edward." She smiles the syllables. "You don't have to keep thanking me. It is truly my pleasure."

"I find that difficult to believe."

Her amusement fades. "Honey, if you wish to stop, then we…"

"No." I wince for cutting her off. "Do not say such things."

Her replying sigh gives me pause, and I sit upright, contemplating its contours. Declining the standing invitation to read her mind, I wonder for the first time if she seeks an end not for my sake but her own. We agreed on the terms, but could this objection be entirely selfish?

Could her audacity have limits?

"Tanya?" She approaches until I raise a halting hand. "Do you wish to stop?"

"Not for every large mammal in the Northern Hemisphere. This is the most interesting affair I have ever had. Besides." She cocks an eyebrow, her innate sensuality on full display. "I am not done with you yet."

I snort indelicately. "As you say."

She is unfooled and comes closer. "Oh, honey. It could be better. So much more and so much better."

I need not follow her thoughts to catch her meaning. And she needs not voice the offer to expect its repudiation.

We have waltzed this floor before.

"You will be late," I say.

She holds my gaze longer than would ordinarily be polite, but I do not blink. Inquiring after me once more, she takes her leave. Her thoughts progress to her evening plans, and I pull out of her mind, preferring ignorance.

When she is out of earshot, I rest my elbows on my knees, replaying her words.

Could it be true?

Could there be…could we be more?

Be better?

She certainly could, for there is little Tanya wants which she could not obtain. On this point, however, she speaks of possibilities well beyond our terms, possibilities I am wholly incapable of entertaining.

And she knows this.

Yet she continually meets me here or there or somewhere else, eager to please and participate. Each time I call, she comes with outstretched hands, an open mind, and a bodily willingness to bend my way.

Yet I want more.

Though frozen forever, my skin hums with the remnants of her pervasive touch. I feel her everywhere: in my mind, through my senses, above my objections. She moves and marks me in the marrow of my bones, changing me from the inside out.

And does so peripheral to my soul. Were I ever to grant her access to my heart…

No.

She would destroy me.

Not intentionally, for Tanya's boldness pales in the face of her tenderness. She is a devoted sister, a compassionate leader, and a selfless friend. That I know right well.

But knowing her that way and allowing her to know me would kill me. My calloused heart would soften in her gentle hands, its walls yielding to admit intimacies I can hardly fathom.

It cannot happen.

As it stands, I long to expand our parameters. My attempts to quiet my desires fail, memories of us haunting me, tempting me. She has seeped into every crevasse of my mind, and I am powerless to keep her out.

I count backwards, take deep breaths, conjure my maker's image, all in a vain attempt to quell the cries of my loins. I run for days and miles, drown myself in moose and deer, even imagine Rosalie with a lover I have never met.

It is all for naught.

I stare at the moon, seeking its constancy. I promised Tanya I would respect her plans and let her keep them. She has been so generous, never complaining despite justification. I want to give her this, to release her from our binding ties if only for one night. It is the least I can do for all she does for me.

But I am already at the house.

Their minds a chorus of shock, Carmen and Eleazar pause their playful dance as I fly into the receiving room. Irina ceases at the lyre, an eyebrow arched in a moment of rare curiosity.

"Don't worry, sunshine," Kate says without looking up from her Chinese cross-figure. "No one used your precious hair gel."

I part my lips to call for Tanya when she emerges from the back of the house. She is dressed, evening clutch in hand, and lovelier than should be allowed.

Our eyes meet, and she sets her bag on the table in the hall. Her thoughts reassure, but I shake my head, cloaked in shame.

I do not deserve her.

Her gaze drifts somewhere behind me, and I faintly remember our audience.

I am reckless and ruined.

"Back so soon?" Tanya rushes into my arms, nipping my neck playfully. "There are subtler ways to get my attention."

"I am not in a subtle mood." The misleading truth strikes the proper note, and the gathered clan downshifts from alarm to amusement. "Can you handle that?"

Tanya growls in my ear. "You'll have to catch me to find out."

She disappears through a side door, and I chuckle darkly before following. We double our usual distance from the house, coming to a stop outside an abandoned shack. I fall to my knees, tumbling forward, and she is there, clutching my trembling hand.

"Shhh, Edward." She touches me nowhere else. "It's all right."

I cannot look at her. "I am sorry."

"No need. This is why I'm here."

"I just… I need…."

"I know, honey." She mentally commands me to meet her gaze. "I know, and it's all right."

It takes a while, guilt crashing over me like so many waves, but I eventually nod.

"I need you," I whisper.

Tanya releases my hand, preparing herself.

I close my eyes, unleash my soul, and take, take, take.

—T—P—E—

Adrenaline courses through my veins as I pursue the lightning-quick cat. Though surprised to find one in this part of the country, I am too thirsty to think on it.

He cuts left, and I kick into another gear, summoning strength. Hard on his heels, I lose the will to chase and spring into the air, bringing our game to an end. Locking my arms around his midsection, I squeeze him into submission. We fall to earth together, and my teeth sink into his neck with relish. I am taking him fast and deep, heedless of his squirming, when I sense an additional presence.

"Care to share?"

I raise my head to find Tanya standing above me, eyes glinting with indecent designs. Our gazes meet, and I roll the mountain lion onto his side. Tanya drops beside him, growling low as she begins to drink.

Her pull affects my push, and as we drain the big cat together, the air electrifies. I pull back to watch, and the sight of her, feral and unrestrained, ignites a desire for something stronger than blood. I toss the cat aside, unconcerned when and where it lands.

She slowly comes to her feet, hands dusted with fur and soot. "I wasn't finished."

"No, you weren't." I stride toward her. "For we are just getting started."

Our sticky lips collide in a furious play for dominance, neither willing to submit. Lapping at the blood around her mouth, I back her against a thick, sturdy tree. The bark scratches her back, but she does not care, hooking an ankle around my waist. Pushing her hips against me, she holds my head in place, running her hands through my hair, and I slap them away.

"Don't," I growl.

She huffs. "My time, my rules."

Tugging harder at my hair, she jerks my head backwards. Licking her way up my neck, she clamps down hard, her slick tongue lapping at my skin. My body is instantly aflame, hands grasping at nothing as she tortures and teases me.

"Come on," I grind out. "Give it to me."

She is cross but doesn't reply, leaving my throat and pushing me to the ground. Straddling me, she rips open my shirt, leaving a trail of kisses on my abdomen and chest. As she returns to my lips with feverish hunger, I slide my hands over her hips, steadying her as she grinds against me.

In a flurry of tears and tugs, we are suddenly nude and in a moment, fully joined. I hiss through my teeth at the contact, bracing myself for the next stanza. The blood from our meal runs wildly through my veins, and I stroke and stretch her with relentless intent. She fists her hands in her hair, screaming my name, and I cover her mouth with an irate hand.

"Stop that."

"Why?" She cries in aroused irritation. "Why does that matter?"

"Because it does."

"Edward, I don't…"

"Focus!" My body quivers. "I'm losing you!"

She huffs, audibly this time, and flips me onto my back. With a fierce hand around my throat, she rides me hard, the cadence of our love play audible in the night. Faster and faster she moves without breaking eye contact, her grip on my windpipe ever tightening.

I feel the shift as my body responds. My limbs are weighty, the pleasure almost too painful to enjoy. She slaps and bites me, pinches and curses me, never ceasing in her impressive exertions.

"Yes, Tanya." My words are a needy breath. "Please, please…."

I dig my nails into her hips as she continues to move, but this is not what I want. She stalls, ignoring my wishes, and that will not do.

Not tonight.

I pound my fist into the ground, dislodging some nearby rocks. "Dammit, woman. Come on!"

"No." Tanya whispers, but I still hear. "I can't do this anymore."

The spell is broken.

I open my eyes, recalling my position twenty yards from where she stands. Her arms are folded across her chest, and though the posture is familiar, the words are seminal.

She means them.

"Tanya." I approach her as if a skittish deer. "Please."

She raises a defiant chin. "Edward, had I known this was what you wanted…"

"But I was clear!" I fold my hands in front of my mouth to keep from yelling. "What did you think I wanted?"

"Sex!" She is practically shouting. "Healthy, normal sex with a beautiful woman who desires and respects you. Not…this!"

I am stunned. "What is the difference between that and this?"

She gapes at me. "What's the difference? Well, let's see. For starters, if we were doing that, I would be able to touch you!"

Her harshness slaps me across the face. "Tanya…."

"When you asked for my sexual expertise, I thought you wanted an education of sorts or the chance to experiment with someone you trusted. I even thought you might want to use me to combat your jealousy about Rosalie and Emmett. And I was willing to do so, believing…"

She cuts herself off with a soft oath under her breath.

"Believing what?"

She scoffs but does not look away. "Believing a physical connection between us might someday become something deeper."

Some part of me knows that; it was cruel to ask.

"And that was my naïveté," she continues. "You were clear about your abhorrence for love, and I should have believed you. But that does not mean this isn't wrong and the opposite of helpful." She paces in front of me, raging at the sky. "Imagining us together as you read my mind, knowing your goal is to turn yourself off forever? Why on earth would I agree to that?"

"Because it was working! This last time, for the first time, I was so close to…"

"To what? To being so disgusted by thoughts of us, you would soon come to hate me? To associating sexual desire with pain and depravity? To desensitizing yourself to love and replacing it with self-loathing?" She tsks, a sound of brokenness. "No, Edward. I will not help you do that."

"But you promised!" My nostrils flare with fear. "You said you would help me with.…"

"And for that, I apologize." She stares me down. "In good conscience, I should never have done so. But this arrangement is over. I will not be a party to something so perverse, not even to earn your elusive favor."

"Tanya, please." I grab her hands, willing her reconsideration. "I cannot go on this way, lost and just….Please, I just need to…."

"You need to let yourself be loved." She smiles sadly. "To surrender to the sacred give-and-take of the heart as it manifests in the body. Anything less will leave you perpetually unsatisfied and ultimately alone. Trust me."

The look in her eyes makes me release her arm, and with a final apology, Tanya flees, leaving me exactly where I started this journey.

Alone and unsatisfied.

Did you get it? If not, let me make it clear:

Edward and Tanya have never had sex of any kind; they have only touched when indicated. Any physical contact/sexual scenarios were imagined in Tanya's mind per Edward's request. He thought if she inundated him with sexual thoughts/images, he could conquer his sexual desires and render them a non-factor in his life.

So the italicized lines in the second part of the story are their actual conversation as Tanya's fantasy plays out in both their minds. When Edward says, "The spell is broken," Tanya stops the fantasy, and everything after that really happens.

Sorry this note wasn't clearer before. Hope it makes sense now!

Thanks so much for sticking with me. I promise I'm not abandoning this saga…just got a lot of life stuff going on.

Oh, and "A Love Worth Defending" is nominated for Top 10 Favourite Fics (June 2014) over on Twifanfictionrecs, YAY! If you've read it, I'd sure appreciate your votes! There are some other gems there, too, so vote once per day until July 31st. Thanks so much! XOXO