Forgetting

Garcia found herself nearly tripping into the restroom and she frantically locked herself in one of the stalls, gagging and dry-heaving as she fell to her knees. Coughing and sobbing, she crumpled to the floor in defeat. She didn't have anything to throw up anyway; she couldn't remember the last time she ate something. Selfishly, she wished she didn't know what Emily went through and that she could erase her own memory. The only thing she could be thankful for was that Emily didn't remember any of the horrible things that had happened to her. She could only hope the amnesia persisted...Garcia didn't want to think about Emily knowing all of the things she'd seen and she couldn't make herself imagine Emily knowing about the existence of the horror-filled video. The tech analyst seemingly couldn't run out of tears to cry and she pulled herself up so she could sit on the toilet. Her head fell into her hands and she tried to force the terrible violent images from her mind. It wasn't working and her breathing was ragged. Then, she heard someone enter the restroom so she silenced her cries and swallowed back her sorrow. For a moment she thought it could have been Derek coming to check on her but she figured he would give her some space. Before she could speculate anymore, a familiar female voice spoke.

"Garcia." Instead of her usual harsh tone, Garcia heard a softness in Strauss' voice. "I know you're in here." There was a hint of her no-nonsense demeanor but there was something else too...something akin to sympathy.

"I'll be out in a minute." Garcia didn't have the patience to deal with this woman right now. Her words were clipped and anger was blatant. Garcia anticipated that Strauss would leave but there was only a small silence as if the woman was trying to figure out what to say.

"Penelope, can you come out here for a minute please?" This completely shocked the tech analyst. Her brows drew together in confusion and her eyes were wide. Did she just call her Penelope? Garcia stood up and quickly wiped her eyes, aware that she wouldn't be able to hide the evidence of her tears. When she walked out, she was met with a kind-eyed woman Garcia barely recognized. Strauss looked like she wanted to apologize but she hesitated, looking down. She looked smaller somehow. "I'm not sure how all of this happened and I don't know what I can do to help...but I do know that you are the best. You care and you do everything in your power to help everyone around you, no matter what the cost is to you. And I know how horrible this is. I know this is so incredibly personal. This is personal for me too. I'm so sorry that I'm asking you to do this. Protocol is for me to assign another team to handle this case...but I've thrown protocol out the window. I seem to do that a lot with this team . While I know none of us can be impartial and we cannot separate ourselves from what happened, I know that no other team could find this bastard...You are integral to this process and this team. So if you can't handle it...I need you to tell me now so I can assign someone else to take this case and sift through the video." Strauss finished her speech, observing what looked like shock and awe and confusion on the younger woman's face. She watched Garcia mentally battle between her heart and her head. It took a few seconds before the brilliant, emotional analyst responded.

"I can do it..." Garcia honestly didn't believe her words but she could not and would not allow someone else to handle the video and treat Emily like a victim. She had to borrow Emily's strength and compartmentalization in order to do her job and protect her family. Everything inside her was screaming to run away but she crossed her arms and gritted her teeth, standing a little straighter. " I can do it." Her tone this time was fierce and unyielding.

...

Luckily, Dr. Petit walked in as the silence grew thick with tension and JJ could almost feel the walls barricading her friend within herself getting higher and higher.

"How are we doing?" Dr. Petit picked up on the uncomfortable air about the room and he sent a questioning look toward JJ who shrugged in response.

"Fine." Emily whispered this begrudgingly, almost childishly. JJ shook her head, rolling her eyes faintly.

"What about your pain?" Dr. Petit let his voice harden a bit, understanding he would have to deal with this woman's stubbornness.

"Not too bad." She kept her answers short and she ignored JJ's expression of disbelief.

"Your heart rate and blood pressure do not agree with you, Agent Prentiss. This is not the time to act tough. I need you to be honest because we need to let your body heal properly." Now his tone was harsh, but this time JJ didn't even think of arguing with him. If Emily wasn't going to cooperate, then she would let the doctor say whatever he needed to say.

"Yes. I'm in pain..but that's to be expected." JJ watched Emily grit her teeth. She looked like she was fighting tears and this confused the blonde woman. Her irritation at Emily's stubbornness faded into concern.

"Okay. I'll get a nurse in here to administer more morphine. What would you say your pain level is on a scale from 0-10?" He scribbled a few unintelligible notes on the chart and looked up.

"5." Emily whispered, avoiding JJ's gaze.

"If your pain is a 5 or above, I want you to press the call button and let a nurse know, okay? Can you do that please?" Dr. Petit softened his tone, figuring a '5' was probably a conservative 7 on a normal scale. He made another note on the chart warning a nurse that if the number rose to a 7 or 8, to get him immediately. "And if breathing becomes difficult, put this mask on. Please just try to sleep. I'm a little worried that you haven't slept at all, but the morphine should help with that. Let me know if you need anything." He directed the last statement toward JJ and Emily closed her eyes briefly. A red-headed nurse walked in as soon as the doctor left and administered pain medicine. The liquid burned as she pressed it into Emily's veins and she left soon after. A silence formed, hanging over the room as Emily continued to avoid JJ's watchful eyes.

"Emily, I'm sorry I pushed you earlier. You don't have to talk about it. I'm just worried, that's all." JJ wanted nothing more than to say or do something to comfort her friend, but she didn't think anyone could in this situation. She watched Emily try to adjust her position in the bed and freeze when pain struck her. JJ wished fiercely that she could help and she prayed for the morphine to kick in quickly.

"No...I'm being...stubborn. I know you're worried. I shouldn't try to hide anything from you. You know me too well." Emily sent JJ a sad smile and winced at another pain that shot through her.

"Can I ask you something I'm sure you're already tired of hearing?" JJ's eyes were sincere and there was a ghost of normalcy in her tone that Emily recognized with nostalgia. Nothing could ever be the same as it was, could it? The dark-haired woman smirked and nodded, saving her voice. "How are you feeling, really?" Emily could tell that JJ wanted to know the truth and not her patented facade that she'd worked so hard to perfect. Maybe it was the drugs working their way through her system, but she felt emotional and exposed. Emily averted her glassy gaze and tried to take a breath, wincing as her ribs were set aflame by the movement. Gritting her teeth against the sharpness, she responded.

"I don't know...I...I'm..." She stopped, her eyes full of hot tears threatening to fall. JJ's mouth opened as if to say something comforting but nothing came out. She just grabbed Emily's hand and squeezed, her grip trying to send her friend some strength. Emily's mouth was twisted into a grimace and she squeezed her eyes shut. "I'm scared." JJ barely heard Emily's confession and she watched the strongest person she knew failing to hold her agony inside, tears streaking down her bruised, swollen face. Now JJ was crying too, her heart breaking at her friend's pain that she could do nothing to remedy. JJ got up from the chair and sat on the edge of the bed gingerly so as to not pull any of the many tubes and wires attached to Emily's frail-looking body.

"I know, Em. I know...but listen to me, okay?" She waited until Emily's dark, swimming eyes met hers to speak again. "You are not alone. Do you hear me?" JJ caught Emily's tortured gaze and felt her heart constrict because she knew Emily didn't believe her. "You...are not...alone. I'm here with you. And I'm not going anywhere. The team...everyone is here for you. And I know that makes you uncomfortable. But we're going to find this son of a...we're going to make him pay. And you're going to get better. And we're going to be here with you every step of the way. We're you're family and that's what family does." JJ continued to hold Emily's hand tightly and with her other, tucked a strand of dark hair behind her friend's ear, careful not to aggravate any one of her many injuries.

"I'm sorry..." Emily cried, dropping her head to her chest, ignoring the dizzying effect it had on her. JJ's brows drew together in confusion.

"What? Why? You have nothing to be sorry for, Emily." JJ's voice was soft but incredulous.

"I don't want to remember. I'm afraid to remember. But to catch this guy I have to get those memories back somehow. I have to figure out how to reach them and then maybe I can help find him." Emily was crying and rambling, her filter taken away by the morphine. JJ shook her head, forcing Emily to look at her.

"No, no. Emily, look at me. You do not have to remember. Do you understand me? I don't want you to remember any of it." JJ's voice was forceful and her eyes were furiously serious.

"But it would give you something to go off of to find him." Her voice was so small and it pricked at JJ's already streaming eyes.

"Em, we're going to find him. Don't worry about that." JJ wondered how long they could keep the video from her and how angry she would be when she found out. But right now, in the state Emily was in, she didn't think Emily could handle another blow. Emily finally calmed down a bit, settling JJ's frayed nerves, and when she closed her eyes, JJ let out a breath. She let her head fall to the edge of Emily's mattress and she cried. She cried for the strongest person she knew and the trauma that had pulled her this far down so that even she, the master of compartmentalizing, could no longer keep her vice-grip on her emotions. She cried because she knew the worst was yet to come. She cried because she felt incredibly helpless. Her heart was tight in her chest as she fell into a restless sleep beside an unconscious Emily.

Thank you for your reviews! Hope you like this chapter! Let me know what you think! -mlw217-