Time to Heal Chapter 6
Chapter 6
Amanda wiped her hands on the dish cloth as she rushed to answer the loud knock at the door.
"Amanda, dear what took so long," Francine stated as she walked through the opened door, "I've been ringing that doorbell forever."
"Sorry, Francine the doorbell's been acting up lately. Just one more thing we have to fix before we return to work."
Francine followed her back into the kitchen. "Are those chocolate cookies I smell?"
"Yes it is. I just baked a batch for Emily's preschool class tomorrow. You want one?" Amanda picked up the tin of cookies and extended them to Francine.
"I would love to but I don't think I should. Thanks anyway." She watched Amanda put the cookies away and took a deep breath before continuing, "Amanda, we haven't had a chance to talk since … well since you remembered. Anyway, I just wanted to say how sorry I am and if there is anything I could do … If you need to talk ..."
"Thank you Francine but I'm okay?"
"I understand you've been seeing Dr. Parker from the New York office. So, what's she like."
"She's really wonderful. I was a little skeptical about her at first, but talking to her has been a big help."
"I hear she used to be a field agent."
"Yes, she told me."
"Amanda, I know I wasn't always nice to you back then when you started working with the agency but I want you to know that I didn't really mean the things I used to say about you. Well, to be honest, your wardrobe has definitely improved … "
"Francine!"
"What I'm trying to say is that I've always known that you were a good agent. I just didn't want to admit that a housewife could do just as good a job as I, and well … I hope that I didn't say or do anything to make you feel like you couldn't open up about what Birol did to you that night."
"Francine, I don't think I've exactly worked out why I felt the need to repress those memories but I'm pretty sure it had nothing to do with you. If you don't mind I'd rather talk about something else."
"Yes, of course. Well the reason I came by was to give you this." She removed a stack of files from her brief case and handed them to Amanda. "I know you and Lee are returning to work next week and I thought you'd want to get an early start on reviewing these cases."
"Oh you did," Amanda said as she walked over to the table and flipped through a few of the files. She eyed Francine suspiciously, "So did you really bring these over for our benefit or to get them off of your desk."
"Fine, I admit it; but you and Lee have to help me out, I'm swamped. At least this way, if Billy asks about those cases I could tell him you wanted to get an early start so I gave them to you. He'll believe it, you're both overachievers."
"Wait a minute," Amanda reached for the last file, "Craig Sorenson – isn't that the doctor who tried to contact Lee before he was murdered. I thought that file was closed."
"Yes, technically it is but his wife called me the other day. She was cleaning out his things and found this key." She opened the folder and showed Amanda the key taped to the inside.
"GB" Amanda said reading the initials engraved on the key.
"I think the key is for a locker but I'm not sure where. I thought Lee would want to take a look."
"Yes, I think you're right. Okay Francine you could leave them but I don't think we'll have a chance to look at them this weekend."
"Oh! You have big plans?"
"Captain Curt borrowed his friend's cabin by the lake. He and mother went up a couple of days ago and we're going to join them for the weekend. We're driving up Thursday evening."
"That sounds wonderful. The entire family's going?"
"No, Phillip's not coming and … well Jamie's staying behind. I guess it's been a little too much family togetherness for him lately. He chose to stay here and work."
"You're letting Jamie's stay here alone?"
"No, he's actually going to be staying with Dean."
"Dean?" Francine exclaimed in surprise. "And Lee's okay with this?"
"Not exactly but after everything the family's been through lately, I think that he just wanted to avoid an argument. Besides I think he's a little more tolerant of Dean since I told him about the two of you."
"Oh! You did?" Francine asked feeling a little awkward.
Her reaction didn't go unnoticed by Amanda. "I'm sorry I didn't think you'd mind."
"Oh no that's fine."
"So Dean didn't tell you about Jamie staying with him?"
"Uhm … no"
"I hope this doesn't ruin any plans you may have had with Dean this weekend."
"No … well actually … Dean and I broke up."
"Francine, I'm sorry. What happened?"
"Well you know, he has a busy schedule, I have a busy schedule. Agency life isn't exactly easy on a relationship."
Amanda understood all too well the difficulty of trying to hide the secret agency life from those you're closest to. "Is there something I could do? Maybe, I could speak to Dean."
"Amanda, No! Don't be ridiculous. Relationships end all the time. And it wasn't even a real relationship, I mean, we were just having fun. It's not like I was falling in love with him."
"No, I guess not." She wondered if Francine actually believed what she was saying.
"Where's Lee," Francine asked quickly changing the subject, "I need to speak to him before I go."
"He's in the back yard with Emily."
Not wanting to answer any more questions about she and Dean, Francine quickly turned and walked out the kitchen door towards the backyard. She found Lee engrossed in some playtime with his daughter.
"Higher daddy," Emily screamed as he pushed her on the swing set that had recently been installed. Her eyes lit up as she saw Francine walking towards them.
"Aunt Francine." Lee eased the swing to a stop as he realized she was about to jump off. Francine kneeled down as Emily ran with excitement from the swing into her arms. The two had become close since Emily's sleepover which Francine found to be surprising exhilarating.
"Hi Francine" Lee stated as he joined them. "Honey, why don't you go inside and help mommy make cookies while I talk to Francine."
With the thought of cookies on her mind, Emily ran towards the kitchen.
"So what brings you by?"
"I brought over some files I thought you and Amanda would want to take a look at before you return to work next week. By the way, Amanda seems to be doing well."
"Yeah! Great!"
She looked skeptically at Lee. "You don't think Amanda's ready to come back yet."
"I wish she wasn't going back at all. At least not back in the field."
"Lee, Amanda's a good agent. She's going to be okay."
"I just wish her life wasn't in danger all the time."
"Unfortunately, that's the nature of our business."
Lee ran his left hand through his hair and turned away. Sensing his reluctance to continue this conversation she decided to change the subject.
"Dr. Smith announced his retirement today. Billy's taking over for him."
"Yeah, I know," he said turning back towards Francine. "Billy called me last night to give me the heads up. He wants me to take over his position."
"That's wonderful. Congratulations. Of course it was expected."
"I told him I'd think about it."
"You'd what. Lee what are you talking about? Billy's been grooming you for that position for the past few years. I don't …" Francine stopped and looked at him. "Wait a minute" she added finally realizing what was going on. "This has to do with Amanda, doesn't it?"
Lee turned and took a few steps away from her. His silence telling her all she needed to know.
"Lee you need to find a way to let this go," she stated walking up behind him. "Amanda isn't a rookie anymore. She's knows how to handle herself in the field. She has worked on assignments without you before."
"Yeah and we see how well that worked out last time," he growled. "How am I supposed to sit behind a desk everyday while she's out there risking her life, prey to some terrorist feign out for revenge."
"Lee, Birol's dead."
"He raped her, Francine," his voice was low and intense. "She's spent the last six years trying to block that trauma out of her mind. I refuse to let anyone else get close enough to hurt her like that again."
Francine watched Lee take a seat at the patio bench. The pained look of intensity on his face showed how difficult this was for him. It reminded her of the day she found him sitting in her car after Birol had taken Amanda. He needed her help then. She wished there was something she could do or say to help him now.
Lee had always been very protective of his wife; even in the early years after she began working with the agency. Knowing what Birol had done to her made him feel like he failed her. That, to him, was unforgivable.
She quietly walked over and sat next to him.
"Sometimes," he began as he ran his hands through his hair. "I wish I could go back to that day at the train station when Amanda and I met. I wish I had never handed her that package."
"But think of everything you may have missed out on - your family including that beautiful little girl you have. It took me a long time to realize it but meeting Amanda that day was the best thing that ever happened to you."
"Yeah it was great for me, but how about her and those boys? Things would have been so much easier for them if I hadn't come into their lives."
"I seriously doubt they would agree with that. Lee, you have been a great father to Emily and Phillip and Jamie. Anyone could see how much they love, respect and admire you. And as for Amanda, sure you handed her that package but you didn't force her to become an agent. As a matter of fact, you spent the first couple of years trying to convince her to walk away."
"A lot of good that did," he chuckled remembering how determined she was to assist him. "She's always been so stubborn."
"Lee, she understood the risks that come with this business and she chose it anyway. It was her decision and she's good at it. This business isn't easy for any of us but at the end of the day, you two have each other to go home to and lean on for love and support. You have a wonderful family. Don't ever regret it; some of us will never get that chance."
He looked at Francine. Somehow he thought she was referring to herself.
"Yeah I guess you're right," he said running his hand through his hair, "Thanks."
"I need to get going." She stood up from the bench preparing to leave.
"I'll walk you out."
Lee stood and walked with Francine to the back door and entered the kitchen. But neither of them noticed the young man standing just off to the side of the house frozen in place by the things he'd just heard. A few moments after they went into the house, Jamie turned his bike back toward the street and rode away from the house.
They arrived at the cabin on Thursday evening just before sundown. Dotty and Captain Curt made a special dinner for their arrival. To their surprise Jamie changed his mind at the last minute and decided to come along. Amanda wasn't sure what was responsible for the change but was grateful.
Amanda was happy to have this weekend with her family before going back to work. The house was filled with joy and laughter which had been lacking from their lives the past few months.
On Friday they were able to explore the spacious two story cabin and the surrounding area. Emily was excited about spending time by the lake. It was a little too cool for swimming so Captain Curt took her and Jamie fishing in his friend's boat. Then Jamie took her with him as his photography assistant as he explored the area.
Jamie's assistance in keeping his little sister occupied made it possible for Lee and Amanda to spend some quality time alone. After packing a couple of sandwiches and some fruit and water, they went for a hike through the woods.
The day was perfect. They explored the woods, climbed hills, held hands, and simply talked and laughed about nothing special. It felt good to be able to spend time together without fear of being chased by some terrorist seeking to kill them. When they got tired, they found a beautiful spot overlooking a mountain and ate their lunch.
They arrived back at the cabin in the late afternoon and assisted the family in cleaning and preparing the fish Captain Curt, Jamie and Emily caught earlier. A couple of times Amanda found herself blushing when she say Lee watching her. She also thought she caught Jamie watching her a few times as well.
"Is everything alright? You've been very quiet lately," she asked him when she finally managed to get him alone.
"Yeah, I'm just glad I came," he answered staring into her face. "It's good to see you smile again." Then he hugged her.
"Thank you. I'm glad you came too." For some reason she felt that he was not telling her everything.
Later that evening after the rest of the family had gone to bed, Lee and Amanda sat cuddle on the couch in front of the fireplace with a bottle of wine. Finally, hand in hand they headed upstairs to their bedroom.
They both anticipated their evening would end just as romantically as their day had begun. It had been a long time since they'd made love. But as they lay kissing in bed, for some reason she suddenly felt uneasy and frightened and pushed him away.
"I'm sorry Lee, I can't," she whispered and turned away from him, "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," he stated reassuringly hiding his disappointment. But it did little to stop her tears from falling.
After breakfast the next day, Captain Curt and Dotty took Jamie and Emily in town with them to do some shopping. Amanda and Lee stayed behind to wash dishes and clean the kitchen. Then they went for a walk along the river.
The sun glistened off the lake illuminating its radiant blue color. The scenery was breathtaking. Despite the beauty that surrounded them, things between them was not as it had been the day before. Amanda saw Lee begin to reach for her hand but suddenly pulled back. After the way their evening ended she didn't blame him for being so hesitant.
"Lee, I'm sorry about last night," she sighed.
He stopped walking and looked at her. "It's okay Amanda. It was too soon. I didn't mean to pressure you."
"You didn't," she stated quickly. "I wanted to. It was just that …" She turned from him and stared out over the lake.
He could see something was bothering her. "Amanda what is it?"
She didn't answer him. They had talked often about what happened but there were still some things about that night she hadn't shared with him.
"Amanda honey," he said walking up behind her. "I need you to talk to me."
"I thought he was you."
"What?" He took her by the arm and gently turned her towards him. "What are you talking about?"
"When Birol held me hostage … sometimes I would see you. I saw hallucinations of you talking to me, telling me not to give up. It was the thing that kept me going sometimes."
He took her hands in his. "Yeah, I remember you telling me that."
"That night … when I woke up … someone was there. I imagined it was you there talking to me. Then he started touching me. I … I didn't push him away at first. I thought it was you. Then he kissed me and I realized it wasn't you but it was too late. I couldn't get away."
Lee pulled her into his arms and held her tightly.
"I don't know why but last night I suddenly felt uneasy, frightened like I did that night … like he was there."
"It's okay, it's okay baby," Lee said forcefully holding her close. "I'm so sorry. I should have never let this happen."
Amanda pulled back to look at him, loosening his grip on her. "Lee, this wasn't your fault."
"I should have protected you. You shouldn't have had to imagine I was there. I should have been there."
"Lee, I knew you'd get there in time and you did."
"Yeah but not in time to keep him from hurting you." He moved his hand through his hair in anger and frustration and moved away from. "Sometimes I wish …"
Amanda stomach suddenly felt like it was in knots. She knew what he was about to say, "... that I hadn't taken that package from you at the train station years ago."
"What?"
"That is what you were going to say right." She knew him better than anyone still her words caught him off guard.
"Your life would have been so much simpler."
"Maybe that's not what I wanted." She stared at him for a moment before continuing. "Janet … Dr. Parker asked me once what I thought would have happened between us if you had learned back then that Birol raped me. I said I didn't know but I think I may have lied to her and myself. I think it's one of the main reasons I wouldn't let myself remember. I think I was afraid of losing you."
"Amanda what are you saying? Wait … you don't mean … do you really think if I had known I would have left you, that I wouldn't have wanted to be with you anymore." He was furious. He couldn't believe what she was insinuating. "If I had known, there is no way Birol would have lasted six years in prison. I would have killed him myself."
"I know," she stated a little matter-of-factly. "You would have killed him … and then what? Face an investigation, termination from the agency ending your career and a possible prison sentence. Then where would that have left us?" she asked, her voice cracking just a little.
"Amanda …"
"And even if you had managed to avoid going to prison or decided to let Birol live, how long would it have been before you decided that my life would be better without you – and left. You were the one person in my life at that time who knew me completely. I don't think I could have handled it if you weren't there."
"Amanda …"
"And since you mentioned it, yes I guess I am a little worried that you won't see me the same way; that you wouldn't want to be me again."
"Amanda, stop." He moved closer to her until they stood only inches apart. Then he cupped her face in hands. "Listen to me," he whispered as he wiped a tear from her eyes with his left thumb, "I love you. There is nothing anyone can do to make me not want to be with you. When you're ready to be with me again I'll be here. I'm not going anywhere."
He kissed her softly, tenderly then pulled her into his embrace. They stood there for several minutes. Then after making sure she was okay, he took her hand and they continued their walk along the river.
Although neither of them spoke, the intimacy they shared from the previous day had returned. Amanda was a little surprised of the fears she had exposed during their candid discussion. Until the words were spoken she hadn't realized it herself. But some of the tension and misunderstanding they held had finally been released.
Lee thought a great deal about their discussion. Were her fears valid? If he had known, would he have risked their future together to kill Birol or would he have left her?
"Lee," Amanda began finally breaking their silence, "I want you to stop blaming yourself for what happened to me. Taking that package from you and joining the agency was my decision. I've enjoyed a wonderful career in the field and despite everything's that's happened I've never regretted it."
"Yeah, but maybe it's about time we got out."
"What do you mean?" Amanda stopped walking and stared at him.
"Billy wants me to take over as Section Chief after Dr. Smith retires."
"Honey, that wonderful," she threw her arms around his neck showing her enthusiasm, "why didn't you say …?"
"Amanda I'll only take the position if you leave the field also."
"What," she asked in confusion as she released her hold on him.
"I won't have you constantly exposed to danger with some partner that might or might not back you up."
"Lee you know I always prefer to work with you but I've worked with other agents before especially over the past few years when Dr. Smith wanted to punish us."
"Yes and I'm terrified each time. I want more weekends like this one with you - my wife, our kids and the rest of our family."
"Lee …"
"No Amanda. Fear works both ways. The longer you are in the field, the greater the chance that one day I'll get that call that you won't be coming home. I don't think I could handle that."
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