The Amazing Race 4: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door Edition
EPISODE 6: "Forever Hold Your Peace"
Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars
"Previously, on The Amazing Race!" Miles narrated. "Ten teams surfed backwards in time from present-day Toad Town to post-Shroob invasion Hollijolli Village! The Intersection smashed Flo and Maude's One-Way Mirror!"
"Ta-da!" Flo chirped. "It speaks! …Um. Surprise?"
"Grubba popped back onto everyone's radar by defeating The Master!"
"Didn't even hafta bust out my finishin' move playbook!" Grubba boasted, dancing a jig in place.
"Who would've thought that grandpa's such a physical threat?" Garf asked his fellow Toy Train passengers.
"Plenn and Thriff's consistently strong performance culminated in their first top-spot finish."
"All faced and stacked to perfection," Gramma Green praised. Thriff rubbed the back of his head.
"Arranging merchandise for aesthetics is a transferable skill," Plenn said as he added his ornaments to the Christmas tree.
"YES!" The brothers celebrated their win.
"While Dupree's flirtations drove Goom Goom to his breaking point."
"I'm so angry I can't even see straight!" Goom Goom hopped down his present staircase. "He should've done this!"
"But it was retrieving their forgotten Mini-Timulator in Toad Town that cost Swindell and Arfur, and they became the fourth team eliminated."
"We gave this our all," Swindell said.
"That's right." Arfur high-fived him.
"Nine teams remain! Who will be eliminated next?"
PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 1st Place
"This leg of the Race is not over!" Miles supplied the Toad brothers another envelope.
Crackling firewood and Kylie Koopa's camera filled the silence as they digested the news.
"Well, let's see what's in store." Plenn opened the clue. " 'Travel by UFO to Nimbus Land—' "
(~*TAR*~)
Extremely rapid shots flew to a kingdom upon a cloud. In a flash the sepia overlay vanished, bringing the image back to the full-colored present.
"Teams must now drive themselves to Nimbus Land and locate this marked parking area," Blaise narrated. "They will then use their Mini-Timulator to surf to their original time."
ROUTE INFO
Proceed to: Nimbus Land Palace
Marshmallow-like guards beckoned into the town's centerpiece: a grandiose pink castle. The royal family stood, waving cheerily, in the entrance hall among golden statues in their likenesses.
"Prince Mallow, rightful heir to the throne, will receive them inside the palace and give them their next clue."
(~*TAR*~)
"Nimbus Land's clear on the other side of the map," Plenn said. "You fellas sure aren't taking it easy on us."
"Your last pit stop was the finest castle across the land," Miles said teasingly. "We figured you'd have enough left in the tank to keep going."
"After that double elimination spiel at the start line, speculation's run rampant about the how and when," Thriff said.
"Double leg," Thriff informed the waiting racers as he and Plenn exited Hollijolli Village. Several gasped.
"I think everyone assumed the worst about that fake pit stop," Thriff continued. "We sure did. Question was, would ninth place be safe or not? If tenth place was eliminated, you'd have no way of knowing until you hit the next mat."
Hybrid shots showed the lavender, violet, brown, gray, pink, gold, and forest green teams receiving clues, in that order.
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in Last Place
"You lucked out," Goom Goom said to Dupree's back as they descended the bridges around the mushroom. "Big time. I'm pretty sure we just dodged a bullet."
"Why zis blame game?" Dupree protested. "Was eet not you who did zee Roadblock?"
"Oh come on! If we'd discussed it instead of you just dumping it on me, we wouldn't be in this position!"
"You cannot know zat! What eef we 'ad done zat and you were still zee chosen one?"
"Yeah, but… Argh! The point is! Your flirt game is ruining us! Crims and Bobbie weren't even looking your direction and they almost got us eliminated!"
"Zose angels? Preposterous! My leetle weengman, I zeenk—"
"That! I'm your wingman outside the Race! If picking up chicks is what you're here for, you should've brought somebody else! Million coins on the line, remember?!"
"I grew up in Rogueport like some of these guys," Goom Goom said. "Saved up from working the docks and got out of that environment. But I'm still living paycheck to paycheck. That prize money would change my life."
"You know what grinds my gears the most?! You bring so much to the table, but it's all wasted because you keep distracting yourself! Like, you can't pull over to gawk on the way to the pit stop, even if it's the prettiest gal in the universe!"
"Okay, please, no more!" Dupree yelled. He slowed, and the pair continued running side-by-side. "You 'ave made your point. I too want to win, I assure you!"
"Spreading my abundant love to zee world's lovely lilies eez my number one passion! My lifelong mission! But zey would never forgive me for neglecting zee other passions zat make me a specimen worthy of zeir fickle gazes!"
"Better result, same predictable reasons," Goom Goom muttered, sweatdropping.
"Monsieur, I cannot change overnight. But I will not lose your friendship so foolishly. I 'ave enough troubles bringing a leetle lollipop back to zee apartment. I could not bear returneeng to find you gone as well! Who would 'elp me pay zee rent? …Why zee intense glare? Non! I jest, monsieur, I jest!"
"Alright." Goom Goom exhaled deeply and powered on the UFO. "Let's focus on catching up. We've still got a shot. But this isn't over."
Time-lapse shots combined the day's passing with the teams' pilgrimage.
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Dating On/Off
"Why are you still nagging on tiny mistake, SHA-KRACK?" Swob asked exasperatedly. "We are safe, SHA-BOOM!"
"Because zis is important!" Bobolink said adamantly. "Ve dropped one place goink back! Vhat if ve had been in rear? Ve could have come in last! You cannot be makink zese stupid mistakes!"
"Okay, okay! I fuse-promise," Swob pledged solemnly, "never to clean up after self, SHA-BLAM!"
"SVOB!"
GOLDY & GRUBBA: Therapist/Patient
"Fer a Fuzzy, you sure ain't too fuzzy!" Grubba complained. "More prickly, like a giant goathead in my side!"
"I reserve that for psychos invading my personal space."
"A thorny whoopee cushion! A squishy cactus ball! There's a nickname with some oomph here, I can feel it!"
"These people have it sooooo good, traveling with supportive partners," Goldy griped. "Mine's a deaf blowhard who insults me every other breath. Ughhhh! I never catch a break with these barbarians, home, work, wherever. Always forcing me to be the mature one."
"Are we there yet?" Goldy whined.
EVE & PODLEY: Exes
"This Race truly is a treasure trove of stories," Podley said, marveling over the landscape below. "Riding a magic carpet over a dream world's desert? Surreal. Driving a UFO through the past? Unbelievable. Who hasn't dreamed of flying?"
"How true! Gibbous always says how jealous he is of the Crows outside and—" Eve stopped abruptly, looking guilty. "Oh dear. Erm…"
"…You've rarely spoken so candidly of your family," Podley said after a pause.
"I…didn't want to be inconsiderate of your feelings."
"You truly haven't changed."
"Pardon?"
"…Eve, do you truly consider me a friend?"
"Why of course! …Is that feeling not reciprocated, Podley?"
"…No, it is. It's just…I've spoken at length about my post-separation life and heard little of yours in return. As your friend, I'd like to know about everything. The family you'll return to. Your plans for the future."
"I see." Eve smiled softly. "Shall I start at the beginning, then? The story of how Vigil and I met?"
"We have all the time in the world."
"Is it natural to occasionally wonder what could have been?" Eve asked. "My life is wonderful now, but part of me still yearns for the stage after breathing and being musical theater for years. Vigil doesn't quite understand that part of me, but Podley does. I suppose the grass always looks greener elsewhere…"
Nimbus Land
PLENN & THRIFF: Shop Owner Brothers
"This is incredible," Thriff enthused. "We're flying right by a dormant volcano! …At least, I hope it's dormant."
"Nimbus Land kinda looks like its ash cloud," Plenn said thoughtfully.
They parked, disembarked, and activated their Mini-Timulator. Ten Mushrooms later, they arrived in present-day Nimbus Land. The drop spot behind the palace hid their reappearance and the Mini-Timulator depository. Harmonious music helmed by a peaceful piccolo solo played alongside expository shots of the kingdom and its people.
"Peasants, about to meet a prince. This makes three royals," Plenn said. "Never too early to prep for that memory challenge."
"Aye."
Navigating the statue- and servant-populated primrose hallways, the shamrock green team reached the throne room. Prince Mallow, a young cloud clad in white-and-sky blue knickerbockers, paced nervously.
"Think, Mallow, think! You have to say something wise and regal-sounding! Maybe I should channel Grandpa?"
He turned and yelped as the brothers came to a stop before him.
"Ack! Uh. Welcome, young tadpoles! Um. It's all about the destination, not the journey!"
Plenn traded dubious looks with Thriff before accepting the extended envelope. "Fella? We're Toads, not tadpoles."
"I was just trying to…" Mallow embarrassedly looked away. "Wait. Aren't baby toads called—"
"Chin up, fella," Thriff said. "It's nice to meet you too."
They exchanged introductions and handshakes.
PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 1st Place
As Plenn opened the clue, King Nimbus meandered over with a royal autograph book and pen. Queen Nimbus trailed behind, shaking her head.
"Excuse me, gentlemen," King Nimbus said. "You have a good chance of winning this competition and becoming celebrities, yes?"
"We think so," Thriff replied. "Wait. Celeb—"
"Splendid! Can I have your autograph?"
"Please, dear, you're embarrassing us on worldwide television," Queen Nimbus reprimanded.
"I already did it on a video game distributed worldwide. What's left to lose?"
With everyone looking over his shoulder, Plenn read aloud, " 'Study the statues in the marked hallway to recognize someone appearing later in the leg—' "
(~*TAR*~)
A lavender-tinted Nimbus male bowed to the camera as it panned around the corridor's golden monuments.
"Master sculptor Garro created the statues decorating Nimbus Land Palace," Blaise narrated. "These figures, featuring prominently in the Legend of the Seven Stars saga, have been erected in King Nimbus's personal museum as a tribute to history."
Shots fast forwarded outside to the edge of Nimbus Land, where a Lakitu piloting a giant cloud tipped his green chauffeur hat. Spiraling shots descended the gigantic beanstalk to a mountainous region covered in autumnal vegetation and Warp Pipes.
"Once they've finished studying, two teams at a time can take the Royal Bus down to Bean Valley."
The camera panned across ten red off-roaders before more rapid shots traversed the uneven terrain to a sudden cliff face overlooking a desert.
ROUTE INFO
Proceed to: Land's End
"Teams will then drive these utility task vehicles through Bean Valley to this precipice at the edge of Land's End, where they will find their next clue."
(~*TAR*~)
"UFOs, now UTVs?" Thriff said excitedly. "Cool!"
The Toad brothers found the flag-marked gallery and greeted its curator, Garro. As expected, the Nimbus royal family's statues had the prime real estate exhibit; Mario, Princess Toadstool, Bowser, and a doll whose placard identified him as Geno also received star billing. One introductory shot lingered on a caped spear-like figure labeled Yaridovich.
"Get what we need and get out, looks like," Thriff said. "What do you think? Shop shorthand?"
"We should have time to sketch and label all of them," Plenn said as he rummaged through his backpack.
"Really, Plenn? There's gotta be over thirty of these. We have to play this smartly."
"All the more reason to get foolproof information now. I don't want to drive back here if we can't identify this character later."
"…Well, all righty then," Thriff relented and retrieved his notebook.
"You take that side, I'll start on these."
"Attention to detail is one of our greatest assets," Plenn said. "I wanted to keep emphasizing our strengths. We'd be in prime form during the superleg while everyone else made mistakes out of fatigue."
"I agreed to a certain extent," Thriff said. "But why not capitalize on our lead? I felt like we needed to strike a balance. But big brother's the boss."
"Some of these fellas sure are funny-looking," Plenn commented as he sketched Smithy with his trusty blue pencil. "Dapper mustache, though."
EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 2nd Place
FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 3rd Place
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: How rude, asking if we're related to dodoes! We're anything but!)" Flo huffed. "Ooh, more shiny statues!"
The Twilight Town teams soon joined the brothers in the corridor. All three scribbled notes furiously. After a couple of minutes, Maude signaled to Flo.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: Have everything you need, dear?)" Maude asked.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: Yup. If you're ready, I'm ready.)"
They flew off.
"Plenn, teams are passing us," Thriff said warningly.
"Let them," Plenn said. "Poor notes will hurt them later."
"Splendid. I was hoping we'd have another chance to speak privately," Eve said, drawing the brothers' attention. "You two are neighbors and friends with Podley, right? What would you gentlemen think of an alliance?"
"A detached, discreet one," Podley clarified. "Information sharing when possible, but no pressure to help when it's too disadvantageous."
"Ever the businessman," Plenn chuckled. "I don't see why not. We bring our real-world synergy here, it'll be beneficial to both our games."
"Us two to the end, then," Thriff said. "Consider it done. Whoever wins buys drinks."
"Knowing where said drinks are coming from, that's a little unfair," Podley replied, chuckling. "We'll arrange something."
"No offense Eve, but I much prefer this partnership over that Day 1 alliance with Darkly and Dour," Podley said. "Plenn and Thriff have proven themselves stable, strong, and consistent enough to keep up with us."
"You're also friends outside the Race," Eve pointed out, "which I never would've guessed based on your interactions before the Intersection."
"That was intentional on both our parts. Plenn and I wanted to gauge each other's Race abilities before committing to anything. Even better for us, with our Express Pass gone, they're probably perceived as bigger threats."
"How far along are you?" Eve asked. "If we cover the remaining statues between us, we can leave faster."
"Well—" Plenn began.
"Aye!" Thriff exclaimed. "I like this alliance already!"
FLO & MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms
The violet team found the Royal Bus waiting on Nimbus Land's edge.
"Hello!" Maude greeted. "Are you our ride to Bean Valley?"
"Can't you birds get down yourselves?" the driver asked.
"Yeah, if we're fishing for a penalty," Flo quipped. "Do you have to wait for a second team?"
"Not really. You want me to?"
"No way!" both chorused.
Shell wheels spinning for effect, the Royal Bus slowly descended.
Bean Valley
Composite shots explored green subterranean tunnels and Grate Guy's spartan Casino before returning to the surface.
FLO & MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms
"Are you taking in this gorgeous view, Flo?" Maude gushed. "All that lush orange flora!"
The Royal Bus alighted in a relatively flat clearing, allowed its passengers to disembark, and drifted back toward Nimbus Land. Flo and Maude tossed their backpacks into an off-roader's rear.
"Woohoo! First ones down!" Flo hopped into the driver's seat. "Let's go, Maude! Vroom, vroom!"
She proceeded to steer the UTV directly into a tall plant.
"Whoopsy-daisy! You guys have insurance on this, right?"
"You've done Excitebikes and UFOs, you can do this UTV, Flo," Maude encouraged. "Take a moment to figure it out."
DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 4th Place
The gray team entered the near-empty gallery.
"I grow weary of these pretentious royals and extravagant palaces…" Drak muttered as he scanned the statues. "These golden effigies are idols of arrogance…"
"You expect anything less of this frivolous modern society?" Crimson scoffed. "…What is that expression? Do you wish to subjugate this world to the morals of a millennium past?"
"It is not Her will…"
They left without writing any notes.
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 5th Place
"SVOB! Focus!"
"Frame and hang above your bed, SHA-SHOOM!" Swob exclaimed as he scribbled his stylized signature.
"Or sell online for big money," King Nimbus said shamelessly.
"Dad…" Mallow whined. Queen Nimbus simply stood by with a near-permanent facepalm.
"Vhat?! Hey! Vhy you not askink for my autograph?!" Bobolink demanded, flaunting the cloud-themed bonnet, thunderbolt earrings, and baby blue lace scarf she'd donned for this occasion. "I am famous designer and model!"
"Never heard of you." King Nimbus shrugged. "But I won't turn down a celebrity!"
"Nyet! Rude! Svob! Ve are leavink! Now!"
"Can you make giant cloud snow when we leave, SHA-CRACK? Would be super cool, SHA-BLOOM!"
"SVOOOB!"
"I don't think my Snowy spell would be very safe for you guys," Mallow murmured.
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in 6th Place
The flatmates tumbled into the present. Goom Goom shoved the Mini-Timulator into the designated container.
"Aw yeah, jumped up to sixth. That's what I'm talking about! Let's keep this momentum!"
Dupree tore his eyes from some local ladies and followed Goom Goom to Nimbus Palace's entrance. "Oui! We will be zee leaders in no time!"
FLO & MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms
"Goodness, this place is like a crazy, mountainous maze!" Flo chirped.
"I didn't see a cliff on the way down," Maude said, "but I think there was lower-elevated land south-ish of the drop area. Maybe if we keep moving that direction?"
"Right. Follow the trusty old natural instincts."
EVE & PODLEY / PLENN & THRIFF
"This wilderness feels like the middle of nowhere," Plenn said. In the background, several Geckits scrambled through the vegetation.
"I'm right at home," Thriff joked.
Plenn led the way; Podley followed at a safe distance.
"Compared to that smooth UFO ride, this is certainly bumpy." Eve clutched the grab handle for dear life.
"Feels smooth to me," Podley said. "Never thought I'd be so relieved to see a regular steering wheel again."
GOLDY & GRUBBA: Currently in 7th Place
"I know you!" King Nimbus exclaimed. "You're that infamous heel at the center of that Glam Pit scandal! Autograph, please!"
"Heel?" Grubba repeated, grin momentarily fading. "Always a pleasure to meet a fan, 'specially one with yer fine and dandy tastes!"
"Get away from us!" Goldy screeched. "The last thing this psychopath needs is an ego boost from a king!"
"Psychopath?" Mallow repeated curiously. As the gold team turned away to read the clue, he magically detached his body from his pants and focused his sights on Grubba's mind. Whatever he heard had him panicking and hustling his father to safety.
GARF & GUS: Currently in 8th Place
The Robbos entered the recently vacated gallery. Gus rolled his eyes upon seeing a gold-plated Mario statue among the collection.
"Him again. Why am I not surprised."
"I see you've an eye for quality, lad," Garro said. "That's one of my most popular works. 'A Plumber's Lament, Redux.' "
"Ugh."
"We're already playing catchup," Garf said. "I'm thinking we take one good look and then write anything important during the bus ride."
"Sounds fine with me," Gus said. "These people all look pretty distinct from each other."
They briefly surveyed the collection, headed outside, and ended up waiting for the Royal Bus to make its return trip.
"Atten-TION!" Sergeant Flutter barked. "Civilians approaching, troops! We WILL keep them safe and show them a fun time!"
PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 1st Place
EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 2nd Place
"I spy yonder clue box," Thriff announced. "And beyond that…looks like the land's end."
"Ooh boy. Wonder what we're doing here," Plenn said.
Both teams parked their off-roaders and approached the box.
"Good evening, Ma'am! Good evening, Sirs!" Sergeant Flutter saluted. "Sky Troopas reporting for duty!"
The group responded uncertainly and pulled out the Route Info. Thriff's eyes lit up.
" 'Abseil down the cliff to Land's End—' "
(~*TAR*~)
"Troopas, forma-TION!"
Eight Red Paratroopas assembled in an aerial diamond around their gray-shelled leader and ascended parallel to the sheer cliff face.
"Sergeant Flutter and the Sky Troopas will transport teams' UTVs down this cliff," Blaise said, hopping from shell to shell. "Meanwhile, teams will perform a harrowing tandem rappel."
ROUTE INFO
Tandem Abseil
"The three available lines end partway down, forcing teams to complete their descent by mastering the timing of the patrolling Sky Troopas to jump on their backs."
Rapid shots sped through the three disparate aboveground regions of Land's End: a desert populated by migratory sand whirlpools, a grassy plain featuring a Donut Block bridge, and a mountainous area littered with blue cannons. One particularly large cannon began swiveling on its hinges.
"Once teams finish, they can continue driving through Land's End to this marked Pot Cannon, which will blast them, UTV and all, down to Seaside Town."
ROUTE INFO
Proceed to: Seaside Town
Expository shots rushed along the coastline to a quaint town with blue-roofed buildings.
"Outside this shed on the western corner, teams will find their next clue."
(~*TAR*~)
"Seaside Town?" Podley repeated. "Rogueport's a seaside town. What an oddly generic name."
As the Sky Troopas fitted and adjusted their harnesses, the teams looked out at the view.
"Oh, dear," Eve said nervously. "It's a long way down. This is even higher than Creepy Steeple's, er…steeple."
"It's alright. We're in this together." Podley fiddled with the rescue spider ropes connecting them. "Quite literally, in fact."
"Have you done anything like this before, Podley?"
"Well, no. But it can't be too difficult. It's basically controlled falling, right?"
"Sorry, sir," their Sky Troopa replied. "I have wings. I've never used one of these before."
Eve and Podley sweatdropped. Meanwhile, Plenn and Thriff backed over the edge, Thriff leading.
"And we be off!" Thriff exclaimed. He looked over his shoulder at the sight below. "This is neat!"
Podley shot an aside glance to the nearest camera as he squared his legs in a staggered stance behind Eve's. They awkwardly shuffled down, trying to find a rhythm. The three-Sky Troopa moving crew drifted down past both teams, bearing a UTV on its shells.
"Ho! You see that, Plenn?" Thriff asked. He eagerly accelerated. "That's motivation, right there!"
"Slow down a touch, Thriff!" Plenn exclaimed. "Let me find purchase! We're not racing them!"
"Short hops, Plenn! Short hops!"
"Hold on!"
DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 3rd Place
The gray team arrived and squabbled over rappelling positions.
"Neither of us has prior experience in this field!" Crimson argued. "Who takes point matters not!"
"Hence why your contumacy against my authority ba—"
"Contumacy?! How many times must it be said that you are not my leader? Bah! Stand aside!"
"The self-discipline, respect, and conduct of well-trained Koopa soldiers was refreshing," Crimson said. "If only my partner demonstrated a fraction of such subservience." Drak scowled.
"Preparations complete, General Crimson, ma'am!" their Sky Troopa confirmed.
Crimson saluted to the awestruck soldier as she stepped backward over the edge, a disgruntled Drak following suit. Meanwhile, Plenn and Thriff reached the ledge delineating their rope's end and unhooked themselves from the belay device. Two Sky Troopas patrolled at staggered heights along the cliff face.
"That's a long fall if we miss," Plenn said.
"You have my personal guarantee of your safety, gentleman!" Sergeant Flutter assured. "Easy does it!"
"Geronimo!" Thriff made two natural-looking bounds to the rocky terrain below. All three UTVs were positioned facing the desert.
"Here goes nothing," Plenn muttered. Yelping, he ungracefully mimicked his brother and jumped down the shells to the ground. "What a rush!"
"Fun, right?" Thriff agreed. "Should we wait for them?"
The brothers glanced up. Podley was coaching Eve as they jerkily shuffled down. Crimson and Drak were quickly closing the gap.
"Can't let the cousins get suspicious," Plenn decided. "We'll scout ahead."
FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 4th Place
"Rappelling as a Route Marker challenge?" Maude said. "Unusual, but exciting! We'll swoop down with flying colors!"
As the Crows got harnessed up, the cousins hit the bottom and stripped off their equipment.
"A commendable time, as expected from two high-ranking army officials!" Sergeant Flutter complimented. "You two conquered that cliff without hesitation!"
"What have we to fear?" Crimson smirked. "Death?"
"Very true. Who has the honor of your leadership?"
"A powerful queen of a land and time far removed…" Drak replied.
"…I see. She's quite lucky, then. Safe travels to you."
On that note, Drak and Crimson climbed into their UTV and drove off. As sedimentary rock gave way to sand, the gray team took a moment to contemplate their allies.
"Pawn management must be deferred until we have further information," Crimson said bitterly. "Considering our selections, we may have to adapt by choosing other survivors."
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM / SWOB & BOBOLINK
"See? Vhy you refuse to listen?" Bobolink nagged. "I knew zat vas not right vay!"
"But you did not know right way, SHA-BRACK!" Swob argued as he drove.
"I—" Bobolink spotted the bachelors on the path ahead. "Our boys! Marvelous! Privet! (Sub.: Hey!)"
"I am your boy, SHA-BOOM!"
"Keep driving," Goom Goom muttered. "They'll follow us anyway."
"Ve follow you, da?" Bobolink shouted.
"Ah, zee leetle firecracker eez back on my trail!" Dupree raised his hands in a heart. His afro hid it. Their UTV swerved to the side.
"WAH! Dude, hands on the wheel!"
"Pardon, pardon!"
EVE & PODLEY / FLO & MAUDE
"That was terrifying," Eve said as she climbed into the passenger seat. "I would've preferred to rappel the full way."
"You handled it fine," Podley said.
Shortly after, the Crows alighted with a controlled descent involving feather-light touches on the Sky Troopas' shells.
"You all are so strong, carrying our UTVs down like that," Flo marveled. "How do we get whatever you're taking?"
TALLY & DEYN: Currently in Last Place
"Only we are talented enough to get dreadfully lost when roads do not exist," Tally muttered.
"No vim for you, you spinning, flying deathtrap!" Deyn said as she scrambled out of the UFO.
"Ours is the ninth. We must hurry."
"We seemingly always take the scenic route during long road trips," Tally said.
"Hate to break it to ya Tal," Deyn said, "but when you go barreling off, it takes forever to get back on track."
They surfed back to the future and presented themselves to Prince Mallow.
"Gee, you two look ragged," he observed.
"Oh shucks, you know just what to say to two girls who're being recorded on camera," Deyn retorted.
"No, no! That's not what I… Uh… Need some HP Rain?"
"Rain would only exacerbate the problem!" Tally shrieked, shielding her hair.
Mallow exasperatedly tossed the clue to them.
"It was so exhausting," Deyn said. "We suddenly went from taking taxis everywhere to driving and navigating ourselves for hours in a cramped alien contraption. Clearly, we didn't handle it well."
"Being uncertain if we were in last only fueled our paranoia," Tally said.
"In the interest of time, we cannot be overly thorough," Tally said. "A shame. We do love museums."
"Let's at least write the names in case they're important later," Deyn suggested.
After making a round on the statues, the pink team hurried outside to the Royal Bus.
"No seatbelts, no guardrails, this is insane," Deyn said rapidly. "Hold my hand, please? I'm freaking out right now."
"Of course," Tally consented. Deyn squeezed her eyes shut as they began descending.
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in 5th Place
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 6th Place
"Nyet, nyet! Svob, go down first!" Bobolink insisted.
"I am trying, SHA-PAFF! We cannot repel! We must attract, SHA-BOOMITY!"
"You are evil sadists! Zis is torture!" Bobolink looked down past Swob and whimpered. "Too high! I cannot!"
"Stop playing war-tug, Linka! We can do it, SHA-PHOOM!"
Swob finally overpowered Bobolink's resistance, yanking her over the edge. Sputtering frantic Russian gibberish, she scrambled for safety.
"Wrong way, Linka!" She buried his encouragement with her shrieking and his effort by digging in her heels.
Unlike Bobolink, the bachelors quickly overcame their initial hesitance and sprint-hopped down the cliff. With his longer legs making bigger bounds, Dupree practically dragged his lighter teammate along.
"Zee faster we go, zee sooner our feet kiss zee ground!" Dupree chanted, leading the charge.
"Maybe slow down a touch and let my feet kiss the cliff?" Goom Goom said frantically, shoes barely skimming the rock.
They made fast time to the ledge and spared no thought vaulting down the Sky Troopas. Goom Goom yelped as he missed landing on the second soldier, but Sergeant Flutter swooped in and reset him.
"Whoa! Thanks for saving me from going splat!"
"No trouble at all, sir," Sergeant Flutter replied.
Goom Goom successfully made both jumps on his next try and hit the ground running for the UTV.
"Monsieur, wait!" Dupree protested. "What about our allies?"
"They're moving slower than their relationship," Goom Goom said. "We can't just stick around if they're taking forever."
"But…" Dupree glanced back up to the screaming, flailing Bobolink.
"C'mon! Remember what I told you?"
Frowning, Dupree joined him in the UTV. They left before either of the preoccupied Bob-ombs noticed.
PLENN & THRIFF: Shop Owner Brothers
"This desert feels exponentially hotter than Subcon," Plenn said, wiping his brow. "I'm sweating like the dickens."
He carefully traversed the desert at a steady speed, avoiding steep dunes and the occasional quicksand whirlpool. Far in the distance, a white smoky cloud darted about wildly.
"You've been driving all day, Plenn. Feel like switching?"
"Nah, I'm good."
"You sure? It's unsafe to drive so many hours withou—"
"There's an oasis up ahead!" Plenn interrupted, pointing ahead to a camp of red canvas tents near an outcrop of palm trees. "We can ask for directions there."
GOLDY & GRUBBA: Currently in 7th Place
"Ain't this a repellin' racket?" Grubba mimed covering his ears as he and Goldy expertly breezed past the Bob-ombs.
The gold team finished descending with surprisingly minimal fuss and drove into the desert. Meanwhile, Bobolink screamed as she lost her footing and went vertical. Sergeant Flutter zipped back to assist.
"I vant— zis— over!" Bobolink hiccupped, crying fearfully.
"Nyet, Linka, you are like superheroine!" Swob insisted.
"Stoy! (Sub.: Stop!) I vant— quit!"
"Heights are not irrational fear!" Bobolink harrumphed. "My papa vas elite Parabomb. I adored him very much, da? One day he vent on jump mission and never returned. I have many nightmares about sharink his fate. Beink on Race made zem vorse. So tired and stressed out, alvays vorryink zat I get skydivink task and parachute vill not open."
"I am sooooo proud, Linka!" Swob exclaimed. "Everyone watching is proud, SHA-PAFF!"
Slowly, agonizingly, they shambled down to the end of their line. Swob unhooked them from the belay device, to Bobolink's horror.
"We jump together, da?" Swob said encouragingly. "One, two, three!"
After several false starts, the Bob-ombs whooped and wailed with three tandem leaps to the ground. Swob cheered and planted several kisses on Bobolink's face.
"I vas so scared," Bobolink admitted.
"You are most amazing girlfriend, SHA-WHOM! We can do anything, da?"
"Da! Did you see…" Bobolink trailed off. Her leftover fear instantly turned to fury. "Zose pigs! Zis means var."
"I picked Dupree as comrade because he bragged about his travelink experience," Bobolink said. "Ve are bad vith directions. He knows zis and he abandons us! He does not vant to reach finals vith team alvays gettink lost?"
"I thought we formed real connection," Swob said.
"Zey are very selfish, da? Alliances not survive if members act rogue and ignore best interests of group!"
GARF & GUS: Currently in 8th Place
"Why couldn't this have been a Roadblock?" Gus moaned.
"The road stopped," Garf said cheekily. "Nothing to block."
Gus glared at him. "I'd kick your tail if we weren't tethered together."
They raced each other down the cliff. Gus hesitated at the Sky Troopa section, allowing Garf to reach the ground first.
"Just jump, man!" Garf shouted. "Vestigial wings sure zap a bird's confidence…"
"CRUD, CRUD, CRUUUUD!" Gus landed on all fours, shook himself off, and joined Garf in the UTV.
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Bachelors/Flatmates
Following the desert, teams drove down a grassy mountain range with palm trees and pink flowers. As Goom Goom drove their UTV through a particularly fertile field, Dupree extended his arm and plucked a flower. He sniffed it and sighed wistfully.
"Whatever you're thinking, stop," Goom Goom said. "Eyes on the prize."
They arrived at a downward staircase of giant Donut Blocks guarded by a blue-cloaked Shaman.
"Yahoo! Welcome to the Sky Bridge, Land's End's biggest tourist attraction! Heading down?"
"Yeah. Thanks, Merlon!" Goom Goom said.
"…Why is everyone calling me that today?" the Shaman wondered.
DRAK & CRIMSON: Distant Cousins
Meanwhile, the gray team approached the end of the craggy bluffs overlooking the sea. Crimson's steering remained steady even as a series of nearby Pot Cannons blasted confused Geckits overhead.
"…our ideal alternative," she concluded. "…You entertained none of my proposals."
"An unfounded accusation… I previously considered such contingencies long before you conceived them…"
Crimson angrily rolled her eyes. She steered into the marked, oversized Pot Cannon. It cocked back and shot their UTV toward sea level.
Seaside Town
DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 1st Place
The Shadow Army officers landed in a sand trap, largely unfazed by the trip. They jogged into Seaside Town and located the clue box. Drak inspected the packed treasure chest near the shed's door with distaste.
"Imposters of the Sapphire Star…?"
" 'Discern the original by offering Star Pieces— ' " Crimson read.
(~*TAR*~)
A horde of gray-and-red creatures was packed inside a storage building lined with crates. Some individuals resembled the statues from Nimbus Land Palace, while others were generic Toad citizens.
"While searching for the Blue Star Piece, Yaridovich incarcerated Seaside Town's residents inside this shed," Blaise narrated. "Today, the tables have turned."
ROUTE INFO
Find True Yaridovich
"One at a time, teams will enter this overcrowded shed and offer fake Star Pieces to Yaridovich's clones. Once the real Yaridovich has what he came for, he'll hand teams their next clue."
(~*TAR*~)
"Let us reclaim first attempt perfection…"
The gray team entered the storehouse and slipped into the crowd. All the clones milled about in casual conversation, generating a low, steady din of monotonous voices.
"A dichromatic sea. We fit right in," Crimson noted amusedly. "Which of you is the original, the authentic, the leader?"
"That would…be me of…course," Bowyer responded.
"I am…obviously…the real…one," Mack alleged.
"They all…lie…I am…who you want," a Yaridovich mirage claimed.
"Will wonders never cease?" Crimson cackled. "Beings with an even more halting manner of speech than Drak."
"Habitual inspection cultivates character and stoicism…" Drak said.
"We have trained eyes for deviance," Crimson said. "The presence of multiple copies of a particular character made the solution quite straightforward."
"Impossible! How did you find me so quickly?" Yaridovich demanded. Drak and Crimson snickered condescendingly as they disappeared back into the crowd.
"You overcompensated…"
DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 1st Place
The duo reconvened outside and took cover away from the clue box. Crimson ignored the Fast Forward and opened the Route Info.
" 'Obtain a free Beetle Box from Beetles Are Us—' "
(~*TAR*~)
The camera panned inside a nearby specialty shop, where a Snifit proffered a beige sack.
"Before proceeding, teams will drop into Beetles Are Us and pick up a Beetle Box."
ROUTE INFO
Find: Beetles Are Us
Rapid shots flew past Star Hill and a rocky pass littered with Artichokers to a lofty tower with a wooden exterior finish.
"Then, teams will drive themselves to Booster Tower."
ROUTE INFO
Proceed to: Booster Tower
Expository shots displayed checkboard floors, a hallway of generational portraits, a midair railroad, and a mysterious set of curtains. On the top floor balcony, a giant-mouthed man with crazy-looking facial hair laughed and made binocular hands at the camera. The scene abruptly dropped several stories down to the front door and welcome sign.
"Outside the entrance, they will find their next clue."
(~*TAR*~)
They inquired in a neighboring building, which was incidentally their first destination.
"You guys sure are lucky your initiation and purchasing fees are being waived," the Snifit said. "Here's your Beetle Box. Good luck, and happy hunting!"
"Hunting…?" Drak echoed, sounding intrigued.
Returning to their UTV, they began driving eastward.
PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 2nd Place
"We were just shot out of a cannon, UTV and all!" Plenn effused. "That was wicked!"
The shamrock green team jogged into Seaside Town and queried a fellow shop owner. They found the clue box, took a faux Star Piece, and entered the shed.
"Looks like the partner challenge for the statue gallery," Plenn said.
"All those drawings won't help us now," Thriff said. "Everyone's still the same color."
"You took notes on the inscriptions, right? Those can narrow our options."
"What if we figure this out faster by doing instead? There's no time penalty for guessing."
"Like this?" Plenn handed the Star Piece to a random Toad.
"Hooray…I…have finally…succeeded." The clone grinned languidly, stuffed it in his pants, and returned to his conversation.
"Guess that's a no." Plenn looked pointedly at Thriff. "We need a system."
"That doesn't count! You just picked some random fella!"
Bickering lightly, they retrieved another Star Piece and tried again.
TALLY & DEYN: Currently in Last Place
"Stop scuffing the shell!" the Sky Troopa complained. "I just had it polished yesterday!"
"I'm a land-lover!" Deyn bit back. "Your moving isn't making this any easier for me!"
"Breathe, Deyn!" Tally called out. "Have patience! You can finish this!"
On her fifth try, Deyn nailed the timing and joined her partner on the ground.
"Mission accomplished, ma'am!" Sergeant Flutter said, saluting. "Good job!"
"That was terrifying," Deyn deadpanned. Tally hugged her before leading the way to the UTV.
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in 3rd Place
"Aw, yeah! Bunch of clues in this box!" Goom Goom exclaimed. "See what's possible when we're on point?"
"Eet eez no surprise." Dupree fluffed his afro. "I am zee travel master!"
"I 'ave zee intuition of zee well-traveled adventurer," Dupree said. "I am never lost because I am home wherever I go! I am zee modern Magellan, honh honh! With a map, compass, or directions from zee native ladybugs, I can find anyzeeng. Eet eez zee best transferable skill for zee Race, oui? 'Alf zee battle eez findeeng our destinations!"
"This is the deadest rave I've ever seen," Goom Goom commented, "eh D-Man? …Dupree? Hey!"
Dupree made an immediate beeline for the ladies, who were all sipping from martini glasses.
"Zat futuristic gray lipstick! You are all more beautiful zan zis jewel!" He clutched his chest, anguished. "But I only 'ave one! Zis is 'orrible! I love you all equally!"
"Jewelry…give it…here," Axem Pink demanded.
"Tee hee…you adorable…man...I want it," Birdo said.
"I know…be a…dear and…get one for…us all," Princess Toadstool suggested.
"Brains and beauty! Parfait! (Sub.: Perfect!)" Dupree presented her the faux Star Piece and moved to kiss her hand. Princess Toadstool deftly dodged and raised the shard in front of her red brooch, cooing.
Goom Goom scanned the clue again and sighed. "I don't have any better ideas."
The lime and shamrock green teams swapped positions.
"Are we really brute forcing this right now?" Thriff asked, annoyed. "There's like, a hundred of these fellas."
"Podley and Eve may have the information we need," Plenn said icily. "We'll have to wait for them."
"You're not listening to me at all, Plenn."
Both teams alternated distributing Star Pieces to clones until the next group arrived.
EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 4th Place
FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 5th Place
After some deliberation, Eve and Podley incorrectly submitted their first Star Piece to King Mallow. They queued at the back of the line. Plenn tried mouthing something to Podley. Due to his mustache, he failed.
"What a happenin' cocktail party." Flo landed on Valentina's live parrot headdress to survey the crowd. "Oh, look! We're a bird totem!"
Maude laughed. "One of these guys is a cloning shapeshifter. Does that sound right?"
"Yes, I remember seeing that on a statue. Who could it be?"
"I have something like an eidetic memory," Maude said. "It isn't perfect, but it's adequate. Back when I was an actress, memorizing lines was like reading scripts in my mind's eye. The best part is that nowadays, I don't have to bring grocery lists to the supermarket!"
"Isn't she amazing?" Flo gushed, side-hugging Maude. "I have the greatest friends!"
"I'm the most perfect, powerful lieutenant!" Yaridovich bragged to his captive audience. "They chose me because I'm the most camera-ready!"
"Aren't you a Chatty Cathy?" Maude alighted on his spear and peered into his face. "Found him, Flo!"
"How?! How did you see through my perfect scheme on your first try?" Yaridovich hissed as Flo served him the fake Star Piece.
"You're just that good-looking," Maude said.
"True, true."
FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 2nd Place
Giggling, the Crows flitted to a less congested corner and read their clue.
"Ooh, Beetles Are Us?" Flo echoed. "Splendid! I'm beyond peckish right now!"
They exited the shed and flew off in search of directions.
"Zee cunning Crows 'ave already solved eet?" Dupree sighed admiringly. He and Goom Goom cycled back in.
"Finally. Can we compare notes?" Plenn asked.
"Who've you tried?" Podley asked back.
"Several Toads, the Nimbus royals, Mario and the princess," Plenn listed.
"Obviously important suspects," Thriff said.
"We're looking for 'the original,' " Eve reminded them. "This person is probably distinct from everyone else."
"Guess we can rule out those humanized weapons," Podley said. "There were several."
Cue a shot of the real Yaridovich smirking.
"One of the statues was a fella named Smithy," Plenn remembered. "Maybe he's their maker?"
Another attempt later, the brothers came out, shaking their heads.
"Hey, you guys mind working together to solve this?" Goom Goom chimed in.
"We are enjoyeeng zee lead for once," Dupree said.
"Why not?" Plenn glanced at his allies. Eve winked. "The more heads, the merrier. Who've we all given Star Pieces to?"
"I wanted to race like that from the start," Goom Goom said. "No committed alliances holding us back. Just spur-of-the-moment teamwork, then us leaving 'em in the dust when it's over! …For the record, this isn't my dating philosophy though. I'm here to play, but I'm not a player!"
"Listen." Eve looked around the shed. "Do you hear that? Someone's speech pattern is more energized than everyone's droning."
"That must be our man," Podley said.
They finally found the original Yaridovich and, after receiving the clue, relayed the information to the others.
EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 3rd Place
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in 4th Place
PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 5th Place
"To Beetles Are Us, and zen to Booster Tower!" Dupree exclaimed.
As if by unspoken agreement, the trio split ways to find directions. The lavender and shamrock green teams, however, maintained a line of nonverbal communication, allowing them to collect their Beetle Boxes and leave Seaside Town together before the lime green team.
"All these buildings look identical," Goom Goom said, eyebrows scrunched together. "Nothing looks like a pet store."
"Zere are many shops, honh?" Dupree led the way into an armory. "Zis eez typical for zee coastal ports."
Eventually, they found Beetles Are Us and got on their way.
GOLDY & GRUBBA: Currently in 6th Place
"This place is more packed than a lobby of hardcore wrestlin' fans after a champeenship match!" Grubba hooted, body checking one of the doubles. "I can hear that dull roar chantin' my name now!"
"It's…clobbering time," Punchinello drawled, shoving him back.
"Yer darn tootin' it is, pard!" Grubba pushed him over, causing a domino-style chain reaction of clones to the nearest wall. "Hyuk hyuk, I'm lovin' it!"
"Will you quit messing around?" Goldy bounced on top of the clones' heads. "Who's the head of this joint?"
"Anyone with a brain could've seen that those creepo zombies were controlled by some hive mind," Goldy said. "It's like with the Horde. Give them an order and they'll all do the same mindless thing trying to follow it."
"It's this guy!" Goldy suddenly shrieked. "Give it here!"
She stole the Blue Star Piece from Grubba and dropped it at Yaridovich's feet. The shapeshifter immediately grew angry.
"You're cheating! There's no way you saw through my masterminded disguise!"
"Of course their leader was the obnoxious windbag." Goldy rolled her eyes.
GOLDY & GRUBBA: Currently in 6th Place
They read their clue and quickly located Beetles Are Us. Upon getting the Beetle Box, Grubba promptly tried to stuff Goldy inside.
"MEEEOORK! Stop that, you idiot!"
Grubba just grinned to the camera and laughed.
DRAK & CRIMSON: Distant Cousins
With the onset of dusk, teams exercised caution as they drove further eastward. Even at top speed, the UTVs were still easily overtaken by the regular-sized vehicles sharing the road.
"Vying for turf against these goliaths is a fool's game…" Drak glared at an eighteen-wheeler that cruised on by. Pumping the brakes, he glanced back to check the rear lights.
"If you are feeling unnerved, simply say the word and pull over," Crimson said. "We shall switch."
"Nay… I am no poltroon… This training shall prove invaluable for kindred exercises in our future…"
Eventually they hit the exit for Booster Pass, the gateway to both Booster Tower and Booster Hill. Drak navigated the mountain route with considerably less calm than Crimson had with Land's End.
Booster Tower
DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 1st Place
They parked in the lot, which was decorated with an eclectic variety of non-native flora. A "DO NOT ENTER" notice had been taped over the "Welcome" sign by the door. Crimson dealt with clue box duty.
"Roadblock. 'Who is a fan of The Beetles?' "
(~*TAR*~)
Blaise stood at the base of nearby Booster Hill. The eponymous man himself gleefully held up a sign sloppily written in neon purple sharpie.
" 'This leg is sponsored by Booster, the world's bestest and most handsomest bajillion-gazillionaire,' " Blaise read through gritted teeth. Rolling his eyes, he slapped the sign down and continued normally, "Beetles fly in abundance around Booster Hill, making Beetle collecting a popular hobby for its owner. Except, he has others do it for him."
"It's not a hobby unless everyone's having fun!" Booster exclaimed. Blaise glared at him.
"We instructed you not to speak."
"Money talks, but I talk even louder!"
ROADBLOCK
Barrel Beetle Race
Demonstration footage showed four of Booster's Snifit servants trying and failing to balance on top of barrels lying on their sides.
"Teams will participate in the famous Beetle Race, with a twist," Blaise narrated. "Four participants at a time, they will roll these barrels—"
"Do a barrel roll!" Booster shouted off-screen.
"—up a short stretch of Booster Hill, using the height boost to catch flying Beetles. If they can catch one within the one-minute time limit, Booster will give them their next clue."
(~*TAR*~)
"Why are those words capitalized?" Crimson asked. "Does this reference something?"
"Its import is lost on us…" Drak shrugged. "We stand at three Roadblocks apiece… I nominate you… She who communes with bugs—"
"I most certainly do not! I evict crickets from Madame Hooktail's Castle!"
"Crickets and beetles are both insects to be squashed… You bear the requisite experience…"
"For your information, crickets are intelligent little lowlifes," Crimson muttered.
They returned to their UTV and backtracked through Booster Pass to Booster Hill. A foothill separate from the main road up Booster Hill itself was the Roadblock site.
CRIMSON
Crimson took one look at the struggling Snifits and frowned.
"I will require preparation before attempting this."
She pushed an empty barrel to a flat area, mounted it, and tried walking it forward. Two steps later, she toppled backward and fell to pieces. Meanwhile, Drak warily fended off Booster, a throwing bone at the ready.
"A walking skeleton! Are you hollower than my barrels?" Booster asked. "They were full, but those mean people said we had to drink everything for safety reasons."
"Stay away…"
After some practice, Crimson opted to try the full race. She stood behind a chalk line with three other Snifits and their barrels.
"Ready?" Booster fired a toy pistol that shot out a flag with the word "BANG!" It made no noise, resulting in Crimson being caught off-guard. Beetles that had previously flown high overhead now periodically swooped in just out of reach.
Crimson scrambled onto and unsteadily stood on her barrel. The added inertia caused by the incline hampered her efforts, causing her to repeatedly stumble off as her barrel simply rocked in place. By the end of the minute, she'd made zero progress, though her competitors hadn't done much better.
"Curses!" Crimson reassembled herself. "What chicanery is this impossible challenge?"
"She's right, Booster sir!" a Snifit complained. "This is impossible!"
Booster hopped atop a makeshift winner's podium and stood on a barrel's head. "Seems easy to me, No. 1!"
"That's not the same thing!"
Crimson immediately requested a second attempt. This time she took a different approach, manually hand-rolling her barrel a short distance to get it moving, and then tried hopping on. Instead she slipped off the front and faceplanted into the dirt. Her barrel proceeded to take out a Snifit below her.
"That may be a viable method," Crimson decided. She tried fine-tuning her new angle, but only succeeded in dirtying her skull from all the falls.
"Time out!" Booster shouted. Immediately, the Beetles stopped flying in range.
"Why must we collect your own vermin if they already obey your commands?" Crimson demanded. One of the Snifits crossed his arms, erroneously offended.
Jaw unhinged, Booster stared at her blankly for several seconds. "Are we having fun yet?"
Drak shook his head.
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 7th Place
"We have to find golden one, SHA-BLAM!" Swob insisted, pushing through the crowd of clones.
"Zere is no gold," Bobolink said. "Only drab gray and ugly red hue." In contrast, she was rocking a balibuntal hat with a star-themed sash, a chic chiffon dress with glittering golden accents, and seashell-laden hoop earrings.
"Maybe we must blow paint off, SHA-BOOM! With explosions, SHA-SHPOW!"
"Nyet, stop! Do not give us penalty, Svob! Ve need—EEEIK!" Bobolink shrieked as a four-eyed dog-like monster licked her outfit.
"Ugh. Dog days of summer," Belome muttered, shuffling away.
"Grk! You disgustink beast! Ack! Zis is least dinner civilized crowd I ever meet!" Bobolink complained, glaring at anyone who jostled her.
By sheer luck, the couple eventually submitted a Blue Star Piece to Yaridovich. Bobolink shoved their way back outside before allowing Swob to open the clue.
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 7th Place
"Fast Forward!" Swob exclaimed, waving the green and blue folders around.
"Ve are not in danger," Bobolink said. "Ve are just behind our allies, da?"
They asked for directions in Seaside Town's slopshop before making their way to Beetles Are Us, then back to their UTV.
"This is Beetle Box?" Swob shook the beige bag before setting it down and starting the engine.
"If related task is Roadblock, you vill be doink it," Bobolink said emphatically.
"Huh? But Linka, you have only done two, SHA-PHOOM!"
"I do not have bug-resistant clothink!"
"Should we not think about future, SHA-KRASH?"
"You are alvays talkink about icky-crawly pet tundra beetles, da? You are havink more experience."
"Very true! Okey-dokey, I am convinced! I will do it, SHA-PAFF!"
"My hero."
FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 2nd Place
"I love beetles and The Beatles!" Flo exclaimed. "Into the light of the dark black night~!"
They drove to the Roadblock site, which was now illuminated by a mishmash of tree-hanging ball lanterns and landscape floodlights. Despite all the distractions, the Beetles obstinately flew straight and true.
"I'm already a featherweight!" Flo joked. She struggled getting a barrel to even budge. "This Race diet and exercise regimen is working too well!"
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: Apparently Flo isn't allowed to use her wings to keep herself airborne.)" Maude told the camera. "(Sub.: But I know she can do this.)"
Drak smirked slightly as Flo tumbled backwards, squawking.
CRIMSON: 8th Attempt
Meanwhile, Crimson tried yet another approach. On the signal, she intently hand-rolled her barrel up to the far edge of the play area and then hopped on, running forward as the barrel accelerated downhill. She found her opening to leap for a Beetle, achieving the height but miscalculating the timing. The minute ended as her runaway barrel again bowled over another Snifit.
"Would it kill you to encourage me or extol my innovations?" Crimson groused, glaring over at Drak.
GARF & GUS: Currently in 8th Place
"He's literally everywhere," Gus muttered, scowling at the Mario and Bowser doubles as they proposed a toast. "It's ridiculous."
"Hey, some of these guys are identical twins, just like us," Garf said, nudging Gus. "Think they're related to the original the clue's talking about?"
"Maybe. Worth a shot."
They targeted the Yaridovich clones and soon happened upon the lieutenant himself.
"Nice spear," Garf said. Yaridovich immediately about-faced from his harangue.
"Naturally! It's the superior weapon, only operable by talented prodigies like me!" Yaridovich pointedly jabbed a katana-wielding impersonation in the rear. Boomer didn't react.
"I like the way you think," Gus said.
"That Yarid guy was pretty cool," Gus said. "Anyone whose weapon of choice is a spear clearly has good taste."
GARF & GUS: Currently in 8th Place
"Glad we didn't waste time on notes," Garf said. "That was easy."
While Garf read the Route Info, Gus swiped a Yaridovich duplicate's spear and prodded the Mario, laughing maniacally.
"Where do you think we should— Gus? Hey! Focus bro, come on!"
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in 3rd Place
EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 4th Place
PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 5th Place
The three teams arrived at Booster Hill in a cluster, where Dupree, Podley, and Thriff joined the action. Whereas Dupree jumped straight into a Beetle Race, the latter two first experimented on flat ground.
"I wish I'd indulged my fancies and tried this on my full cola kegs," Podley said, dusting himself off. "This is difficult."
"Please be careful not to injure yourselves!" Eve called out, wringing her hands. "Try to fall safely!"
"Mom priorities?" Maude said understandingly. Eve giggled.
"Is this the lead pack?" Goom Goom asked the group. Drak nodded. "Too cool!"
"Sacre bleu!" Dupree cried out as Crimson's errant barrel knocked him off his own.
"Maybe not so cool." Goom Goom took a seat with the others on the sidelines. "I would've owned this Roadblock."
Montage shots showed various four-person combinations failing and falling. After several rounds, Dupree and Thriff took approaches similar to Crimson, giving their barrels a rolling start before jumping on.
"This is the pirate game me mates never played," Thriff said. "I gotta figure this out."
"There was a steep learning curve," Thriff said. "You're jogging backwards on a convex object to roll it uphill on what felt like a thirty-degree incline. And then you have to time a jump off that unsteady surface to catch a Beetle in your box."
Flo fell off her barrel. Split-seconds later, Podley, Crimson, and Dupree followed.
"Are we playing follow the leader now?" Booster asked. "Booster says?"
"At least, that's what I initially thought," Thriff continued. "It dawned on me that rolling the barrel was the least important part. As long as you're up there, right place, right time, to leap for a Beetle, that's what counts."
"You guys are missing half the fun!" Booster pouted, stomping his feet.
"Non! We are tryeeng to minimize zee unsightly bruiseeng!" Dupree protested.
He, Thriff, and Flo simply stood atop their barrels. Because the Beetles flew downhill along random lines, waiting for one to come within range was a crapshoot. But at last, someone's luck delivered.
"Ahoy there!" Thriff excitedly peered into his now-occupied box. He raced over to Booster. "I'm do—"
"Wait your turn. Nobody likes a showoff," Booster said, not looking up from his pocket stopwatch.
Before the minute ended, another racer nabbed a Beetle.
PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 1st Place
FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 2nd Place
"Oooh, my Beetle's golden!" Flo exclaimed as she gave her Beetle Box to Booster. "Does that mean it tastes better?"
"I dunno," Booster said. He inspected the box with one eye, shook it, opened it, and held it above his head, letting the Beetle escape.
"WAH! Why'd you do that, Master Booster?!" a Snifit shouted. "Those are super rare!"
"Looked completely raw to me! It's a bug, not a beef steak," Booster said. "Besides, they know the combination to my bedroom!"
There was mystified silence. Booster reached under his Viking hat and produced two envelopes.
"I guess you're leaving for the rest of your scavenger hunt," Booster said sadly. "You better tell them my part was the funnest!"
As Crimson, Dupree, Podley, and a Snifit started the next Beetle Race, Thriff and Flo brought the clues to their partners.
" 'Drive yourselves to the Marrymore Hotel—' " Thriff read.
(~*TAR*~)
Quick shots continued to the top of Booster Hill.
"Teams must now drive themselves to Marrymore, the destination wedding capital of the world, and find the famous Honeymoon Hotel." Blaise paused. A pair of giggling newlyweds scampered past him and through the hotel's front doors. "Contrary to popular belief, it is not the number one honeymoon destination. Anyway…"
ROUTE INFO
Proceed to: Honeymoon Hotel
A Toad peeked through a variegated bouquet of flowers and presented an envelope.
"The front desk concierge will provide them their next clue."
(~*TAR*~)
"Is there someplace atop this hill we can ask?" Thriff wondered.
"I don't think so," Plenn said. "I remember seeing a sign for another town. We can ask for directions there."
A grayscale shot of a lantern-lit mining community deeper in the mountains, full of shipping crates, refurbished minecarts, and tent-shaped wooden buildings with metal roofs, appeared in the corner of the screen. Captioned "Moleville," it received a giant red X and buzzer sound.
"Well, alright."
Both teams drove off away from Booster Hill. Shortly after, Podley scored with a stylish overhead catch.
"That was amazing!" Eve cheered.
At the end of the Beetle Race, only Podley received a clue. He and Eve read it in their offroader.
EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 3rd Place
"Marrymore, huh?" Podley repeated. The exes exchanged awkward glances. "Uh. Should we follow the brothers?"
"Actually… I think it may be just up ahead," Eve said. "Doesn't a hilltop wedding site sound incredibly romantic? …Hypothetically speaking?"
"You do have a point. I guess we'll find out soon enough."
GOLDY & GRUBBA: Currently in 6th Place
"You live with beetles down in those musty ol' sewers!" Grubba argued.
"MEORK! Fine! I'll do it!" Goldy yelled.
After some aimless scrambling around Booster Tower, the gold team reread its clue and changed course for Booster Hill. Goldy took one look at the ongoing Beetle Race and laughed.
"Balancing? Bouncing?" She was practically vibrating with excitement. "A spot-on pick for once! Mine, mine, MINE!"
"Go get 'em, ya caperin' caltrop!" Grubba showboated over to the spectators. "Listen to all yer cheerin' fans!" He motioned to an irritated Drak and a nonplussed Goom Goom. "We're all pullin' for you to bring home that Beetle!"
"Wahoo!" Booster shouted.
Due to her innate bounciness, Goldy technically didn't need her barrel, but used it to follow the Roadblock stipulations. Within the first ten seconds, she sprung out, captured a Beetle in her mouth, and spat it into the box.
"Blech! Piece of cake!" Goldy simpered.
"Attagal! Am I right, or am I right?" Grubba hooted. "I've got that winnin' foresight!"
Dupree shakily rolled his barrel along the marked area's flat edge in anticipation of an incoming Beetle. He lost his balance toward the end, but held on long enough to extend his long arms, hop, and snag a rather large male Beetle.
"At long last!" Dupree said triumphantly. "Now eef only zis effort translated into women flyeeng into my arms!"
GOLDY & GRUBBA: Currently in 4th Place
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in 5th Place
"Unbelievable." As the two teams drove off, Crimson pinched her eye sockets. "Everyone is outstripping me!"
"Unsurprising… Your methodologies thus far have been devoid of sensible—"
"Drak? Shut. Up. If that is your wanton feedback, you had best remain silent!"
"Identifying a fruitless endeavor and knowing when to cut your losses is part of sound strategy," Crimson said. "Anticipating a breakthrough in the face of failure is not perseverance. It is foolishness."
"You must really love playing this game!" Booster remarked cheerfully. Crimson scowled disdainfully in his direction, prompting the Snifits to back away slowly.
"I cannot do this," Crimson asserted. "It is abundantly clear."
"No team would be four hours removed unless befallen by a navigational catastrophe… You desire to explore that risk…?"
Crimson grit her fangs angrily.
"I was approaching my physical limit," she said. "Such is the curse of this form. …I envied those Koopas Madame Hooktail brought to her table, vernal in skin I too surely wore many years past, yet could not recall. How I longed for that body, pleasing in its complexion and vitality. What a delight it was, hearing such vivacity sheared from their bones, another minion reborn to share in my torment!"
Crimson again collapsed to the ground in a heap. "HraaaAAAAAH!"
TALLY & DEYN: Currently in Last Place
The pink team emerged from the shed, down one Star Piece and up one clue.
"Yes, a Fast Forward!" Deyn exclaimed. "Just what we need!"
"Hopefully no one else felt endangered enough to use it," Tally said.
"They better not have! 'Make your way to the Sea Caves—' "
(~*TAR*~)
"This is the fourth of eight available Fast Forwards," Blaise narrated.
FAST FORWARD
Sink and Solve
Rapid shots explored twin tunnels leading to a submerged wooden ship.
"To claim this Fast Forward, teams will traverse the Sea Caves to this Sunken Ship."
A tall anthropomorphic shark bearing cape, medallion, and trident stared down the camera.
"Inside, notorious pirate leader Jonathan Jones will hand them a collection of memos left by Charles Van Doren, Ferdinand Magellan, and Vasco da Gama, to solve a word puzzle. The correct solution will earn a team the Fast Forward award."
(~*TAR*~)
"Underwater spelunking?!" Deyn clapped. "This sounds rad!"
They hustled to the southwestern beach, where two pirate sharks wearing red bandanas, appropriately named Bandana Reds, were waiting.
"Yarrrr!" one growled, thumping his spear against the sand. "Ahoy, me saucy beauties! Kept us waitin', ye did!"
"Oh my gosh, you talk just like Thriff!" Deyn laughed. "Are we going for a nighttime walk along the beach together?"
"If so, this simply won't do." Tally plucked two spare pink bandanas from her backpack and distributed them. "Now we all match."
"Good idea! Pink team unite!"
"Arrrr, much appreciated, me hearties! Ready to chart a course to collect yer booty?"
The quartet waded into the sea, entered an underwater Warp Pipe, and landed in a cavern. Timber supports and periodic lanterns lining the wall marked their way forward.
"Wow, it feels so cool and moist down here," Deyn remarked.
As instructed, the Toads speed-walked through the winding corridors, their escorts following close behind.
"It was a breathtaking juxtaposition," Tally said. "That unease, feeling the pressure of the ocean bearing down around us, soothed by the caves' ethereal, otherworldly beauty. Knowing that this experience was unique to Deyn and I alone made it that much more special."
Sleeping bioluminescent Zeostars arranged in imaginary constellations along the cave floor pulsed soft green light. Holding hands as they enjoyed the journey, Tally and Deyn grinned giddily at each other.
Marrymore
A celebratory arrangement of Pachelbel's Canon in D for piano and strings played over footage of newly wedded couples beaming, laughing, and crying (happily, of course). Arcing string lights connected the city's multitudinous venues, each a self-contained theme bubble for the perfect dream wedding.
EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 1st Place
"Marrymore is gorgeous," Eve said wistfully. She carefully drove through the petal-covered cobblestone streets, taking in the aroma of catered food and the muted discord of unsynchronized wedding marches.
"Our UTV looks pitiful compared to all these vintage cars and limousines," Podley remarked.
They parked in some marked spaces outside the tastefully understated three-story Honeymoon Hotel and headed into the lobby.
"Congratulations!" the concierge said as he handed over their clue.
"For what?" Eve asked. "…Oh. We're not—"
"Ignore it," Podley said. "In this town, that won't be the last time."
"True… Detour. Wedding Cake or Wedding Crashers? …Oh dear."
(~*TAR*~)
Wedding bells rang as several processionals marched through daytime Marrymore's streets.
"Between bachelor and bachelorette parties, wedding ceremonies, and receptions, Marrymore's booming service industry executes over a hundred memorable events each day," Blaise narrated. "Now, teams have a choice between contributing to Marrymore's most in-demand confectionary masterpieces or making memorable surprise appearances on someone's special day."
DETOUR
Wedding Cake or Wedding Crashers
*TAR*
Rapid shots arrived before a bakery storefront. The façade's displays featured tantalizing arrangements of tiered wedding cakes, cupcake trays, and cake pop bouquets.
"For Wedding Cake, teams will make their way on foot to re:Torte, brainchild of world-renowned cake ace Chef Torte."
Several Terrapins hustled about the industrial-sized kitchen. The camera focused on one as he deftly piped buttercream roses onto a cake's side.
"Donning culinary jackets, teams will then follow a completed example to embellish two tiers of a wedding cake with swirls and edible flowers."
Blaise stood by a severe-looking Terrapin wearing a heavily pleated toque blanche.
"If their work meets Chef Torte's exacting standards, he'll reward them with their next clue."
"I haf no problem firink your untalented temps!" Chef Torte warned.
"Hush."
*TAR*
The camera entered a bridal boutique and panned across several headless mannequins wearing elaborate wedding dresses.
"In Wedding Crashers, teams will make their way on foot to Valentina Bridal, where—"
"That's it? I was promised at least a ten second feature!"
Blaise scowled as a tall, voluptuous woman with a parrot on her head and a martini glass in her hand pranced into frame.
"Shop here for Marrymore's best bridal and bridesmaid packages!" Valentina purred. "With my ingenious dress designs and accessories, you're guaranteed to be at most sixty percent as beautiful as me! And don't forget to—"
"You people really need to quit speaking out of line," Blaise said angrily.
"How rude!"
Rapid shots highlighted several venues hosting nighttime receptions. Zoom-ins cut past the dancing and party games to the seating arrangements—namely, the petite place cards with their fancy cursive and small font size.
"Where was I?" Blaise muttered. "Once they're dressed for the occasion, teams will continue on foot, searching four ongoing receptions for place cards with their team members' names. They will bring these, along with the corresponding guest mementos, back to Valentina to receive their next clue."
(~*TAR*~)
The exes stared at the clue in awkward silence.
"This Detour would reopen old wounds, no matter which side we picked," Eve said. "However, there was something undeniably perverse about standing next to Podley in a wedding dress, knowing my family would see it."
"Let's do Wedding Cake," Eve said. "We're do-it-yourselfers. We have steady hands, and, um…"
"Good idea. Wedding Cake it is."
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in 2nd Place
"We must pick Wedding Crashers!" Dupree asserted. "All zose maidens in billoweeng cotton candy dresses!"
"D-Man, the gal of the hour's gonna be just married," Goom Goom said.
"Oui, but all her bridesmaids will be lookeeng for zeir opportunity to upgrade to bride status!"
"…Well, I've always wanted to wear a tux."
Valentina Bridal commanded a prominent corner in the business district and was ostentatiously illumined compared to its closed neighbors, making it easy to identify. The bachelors quickly found it and entered.
"Are you my first pair of models?" Valentina asked, frowning. Dupree immediately went gaga and dashed over to make her acquaintance, snout inches away from her voluminous bust.
"Oui, my love! Only say zee word and I will be your model 'usband for…" He paused, noticing her enormous diamond ring.
"Buy me a better rock and maybe I'd consider it." Valentina flicked him away. "Dodo! Bring these two their specially designed outfits and me another drink! …DODO! Step on it! My thirst won't quench itself!"
A plump black bird with a dual-toned beak squeezed through the back doorway…and held up matching wedding dresses with mint green accents and lace broderie anglaise cathedral-length trains. The bachelors stared, dumbfounded.
"Zere eez some mistake!" Dupree said. "We are garçons!"
"And?" Valentina scoffed. "This is Valentina Bridal. So either get in my amazing handpicked bridal ensemble, or GET OUT!"
Dupree and Goom Goom looked at the dresses, then to each other, and gulped.
PLENN & THIFF / FLO & MAUDE
"I'm famous at last!" Punchinello rejoiced, wheeling his arms and jigging for a camera. "Wait, no, come back!"
"We just learned Marrymore's back where we were," Thriff narrated exasperatedly. "If Plenn had listened to my suggestion—"
"So I was off the mark this time. Lay off."
"Shut up and drive."
Maude followed behind them; Flo warily watched Punchinello, who was prattling in the background.
"Maybe we should avoid blindly tailing other teams," Maude was saying. "I think we're navigationally savvy enough to—"
"Oh my feathers Maude, he's gaining! Full speed ahead!"
TALLY & DEYN: Former Roommates
"Are we back at sea level?" Tally wondered.
The Sea Caves emptied at a distant cove rife with Bloopers. Vaguely visible in the deep water was the mast of the Sunken Ship.
"Look lively, me lasses!" one Bandana Red waved his fin toward a raging whirlpool. "Thar be our vessel!"
Taking the whirlpool to a Warp Pipe, the quartet arrived inside a dim cabin on the main deck. Jonathan Jones emerged from the shadows, flanked by his crew of Bandana Blues.
"Arr, harr! Ahoy, me landlubbers." Jonathan circled them, cape billowing imposingly. "Ventured into the depths to escape Davy's grip, I see."
"What?" Deyn hugged Tally nervously as the sharks trapped them in an encircling dance. "A-Are you going to eat us?"
"This late hour be not our dinner!" Jonathan produced a captain's logbook. "It be storytime!"
The Toads sweatdropped.
"Tell the tales of every page ye dare explore!" Jonathan ordered. "No hornswaggling us of good elocution!"
"Ooh, I knew learning auctioneer technique would come in handy one day!" Deyn exclaimed.
"I'll listen and read closely alongside you." Tally glanced at the Fast Forward information. "Hopefully what we need will jump off the pages."
As Deyn enthralled the crew with her rapid vocalization, an onscreen graphic of flipping parchment pages showed the relevant messages.
Memos Left by the Doomed:
- "It has four consonants." – Da Gama
- "It has two vowels." – Da Gama
- "There is an 's' in the word." – Magellan
- "It is found on the bed of the ocean." – Magellan
- "The 'r' comes before the 'l.' " – Van Doren
- "At least…two consonants are side by side." – Van Doren
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 7th Place
GARF & GUS: Currently in 8th Place
Swob and Gus had joined Crimson at the Beetle Races.
"Difficult way to catch bugs, SHA-BOOM!" So saying, Swob tumbled off his barrel.
"This is seriously bugging me," Gus muttered, re-mounting his.
"Jump, man!" Garf yelled. "Just go for it!"
Gus vaulted off his perch—"Gah!"—and nabbed a Beetle that smacked him in the forehead. He submitted it to Booster at the race's end.
GARF & GUS: Currently in 6th Place
"That was rough," Gus groaned, massaging his shoulder. "My bruises have bruises."
"You did great." Garf revved up the UTV. "Still climbing the ranks."
As the twins left, Crimson, Swob, and two Snifits began another round.
"How many teams have finished zis?" Bobolink asked Drak.
"One or both of the pickpockets and patricians remained behind us…" Drak said. "But revealing any intelligence to that unstable woman would further jeopardize our position at that moment…"
"I do not know…"
"Really?" Bobolink eventually broke eye contact, unsettled by his intense gaze. "Zen zere is somezink you should. Dupree and Goom Goom. Zey abandoned us at cliff. Not true comrades. Ve be very careful, da?"
Drak crossed his arms. "Hm…"
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: 0/2 Placards
"It's for a million coins," Goom Goom rationalized. He exited the dressing room, clad in his froofy wedding dress and bridal heels, and peered forlornly into another mirror. "We're never gonna live this down."
" 'ow do I look, my pretty pink princess?" Dupree asked.
"You? Hideous," Valentina said. "My dresses, however, look fabulous. Model them for me!"
Dupree obediently spun around and strutted toward the door. Goom Goom followed, shaking his head…and promptly face-planted.
"Gah! How do girls walk in these things?!"
"You better not rip my masterpiece, you troglodyte!" Valentina shrieked.
EVE & PODLEY: 0/2 Tiers
Infused with an earthy chocolate torte color scheme, re:Torte hosted an array of dummy display cakes comprising a live portfolio of its namesake's creative genius. The exes used the employee entrance and donned lavender-tinted jackets before entering the kitchen. Eve hastily pulled her hair back into a bun.
"About time! You haf kept me vaiting too long!" Chef Torte yelled. "All zees cakes must get finished by za deadline!"
"We'll get right on it," Podley assured.
A nearby Terrapin demonstrated piping technique as he added buttercream, freehanded, onto a seven-tiered Race-themed cake. Ten rotating stands held unfinished white, round, four-tier cakes; the bottom two layers had filigree scrollwork, bead borders, and an ascending sugar flower spiral.
"My goodness, these are all so elaborate and beautiful," Eve breathed. "Another couple will celebrate their happily ever after with our work?"
"Seems so," Podley said. "We'll need to move quickly."
Following the supplemental instructions, Podley partially filled an icing bag, squeezed out the air bubbles, and tied off the end. He experimentally squeezed some lines and curlicues onto a piece of parchment paper. Eve mimicked him, but her shaky hands produced noticeable jags.
"Yours look really good," Eve said. "Have you done this before?"
"A lot of bottles feature similar designs, and I've replicated them on a whim. It's basically drawing a bunch of C's and S's."
Podley refilled his bag and began piping on the cake, using the completed layers for reference. Eve uncertainly started on the opposite side.
"Don't think too hard," Podley advised. "If you linger too long, it'll glob up."
Right on cue, Chef Torte stormed over.
"Stop! Stop! Zat ist unacceptable! You fix like so!"
He cleaned Eve's first swirl with a fine paintbrush while delivering rapid-fire, unintelligible advice. Then, he stomped back to the opposite side of the kitchen to yell at someone else for messing up.
"I don't suppose he'd be willing to do that thirty more times?" Eve said.
GOLDY & GRUBBA: Currently in 3rd Place
"Cake?!" Goldy bounced in place excitedly. "I love cake! Let's do Wedding Cake!"
"Isn't that cute?" Grubba chortled, patting Goldy's head. "But yer not eatin' the dern thing, pard! It's time to crash some parties!"
"MEORK! Why even bother asking me then?!"
"Starvin', sleep-deprived folk make plain dumb decisions!" Grubba chuckled. "I'm tellin' ya, with a 'therapist' like that, ain't no way I'm the crazy one!"
TALLY & DEYN: Former Roommates
"A six-letter word," Tally repeated quietly. The clue's provisions prohibited note-taking. "Two vowels. Four consonants, two of which are contiguous, and three of which are 'l,' 'r,' and 's.' Erm… Parley? Sourly?"
"Besides something about calamari, I haven't a clue what I read," Deyn said. "Tal actually had to go, 'Pause, was that a message? Rewind. Definitely a message. Okay, play.' My mouth motored faster than my brain."
"That was the sixth," Tally interrupted. "You can stop."
Deyn exhaled. "Hoo! Thank goodness."
"Something located on the ocean floor," Tally repeated. "Mussel?"
"I've got nothing. My mind's so fried."
"Oyster? …Oh, I know! Pearls! A girl's next best friend!"
"Must be!" Jonathan pounded his trident against the floor. " 'Pearls' be the correct answer!"
TALLY & DEYN: Currently in 1st Place
Cheering delightedly, the Toads glomped Jonathan and engaged his subordinates in a group hug. Deyn opened the proffered clue.
" 'Congratulations for winning the Fast Forward!' "
"Having won the Fast Forward," Blaise explained in an abbreviated segment, "Tally and Deyn may now proceed directly to the pit stop: Marrymore Chapel."
"Now back to the surface," Tally said. "Hopefully our efforts aren't in vain."
They departed with their Bandana Red escorts.
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: 0/2 Placards
"Waaah!" Goom Goom picked himself up, only to trip over his train. "Dupree, wait up! How're you walking so fast?!"
"Zese are just like platform shoes!" Dupree said breezily.
Using a provided map, the flatmates arrived at the first reception venue—a candle-lit ballroom with crystal chandeliers, round tables, and couples floating across the floor in a majestic Viennese Waltz. Seeing the men's bridal ensembles, several people burst into laughter.
"Zat romantic, magical atmosphere!" Dupree sighed. "I love zee fancy formal wear and majestique mood of a milestone party. Zat eez 'ow I envision my wedding reception. I 'ave everyzeeng planned: zee drinks, zee menu, zee entertainment! Someday soon."
From their vantage point at their sweetheart table, the newly wedded Toads giggled at their two newest guests.
"Eyes on the prize, Dupree."
"May I 'ave zees dance, my beauti—"
"Wrong prize!" Goom Goom fell again as someone stepped on his train. "Ow!"
With most of the two hundred plus guests either dancing or milling about socializing, the lime green team carefully weaved through the festivities and began circling the eight-seaters.
"Eet eez so dim, I can barely read zees teeny-tiny print!" Dupree complained.
"Try taking off your sunglasses for once," Goom Goom said.
"And ruin my carefully crafted look? Alas, monsieur, I cannot!"
GARF & GUS: Currently in 5th Place
"We're doing Wedding Crashers," Garf said, "for the free catering. Hors d'oeuvres, here we come!"
GOLDY & GRUBBA: 0/2 Placards
"I'm having second thoughts letting these freaks advertise my dresses," Valentina muttered.
"Ahahaha, how ridiculous!" Goldy laughed. "What a bridezilla!"
"Well ain't you suddenly a big bouncin' ball of sunshine?" Grubba chortled. "I've worn worse getups in the name of show biz!"
Shoeless Goldy was golden from top to bottom. With his fedora, sunglasses, plus-sized sunflower-colored dress, and enormous pumps, Grubba was a formidable advertisement indeed.
"Don't I look a sight?" Grubba scampered down the sidewalk, dress hitched up at his sides and train bunched in his hand. "I got my frills and sparklin' hair tie! Wham, glam, thank ya ma'am, I'm right dressed fer success!"
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 8th Place
DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in Last Place
"That was fun!" Booster enthused. "Thanks for keeping me entertained past my bedtime! Say hi to my wife for me!"
"Vife?" Bobolink echoed.
Both teams piled into their UTVs.
"We will follow you, SHA-SHOOM!"
"Naturally…" Drak glanced sidelong at his fuming, exhausted partner. "See where you—"
"Shut up Drak," Crimson hissed. "The delegator shares in the representative's failings. Accept the bitter fruit of your hasty, literal interpretation of that Roadblock clue!"
"Tch…"
GARF & GUS: Robbo Twins
The forest green team stared at the forest green-accented dresses and heels.
"Heck no," they declared in unison. Garf clarified, "We're switching."
While Valentina glared after them in disgust, Dodo looked between the outfits and nodded.
FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 6th Place
PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 7th Place
The moms selected Wedding Crashers; the brothers, Wedding Cake. Upon arriving at Valentina Bridal, the Crows found themselves revered by a heart-eyed Dodo.
"There's not enough space in this dressing room for the three of us, buddy!" Flo shouted. "We're ladies!"
"And married!" Maude added.
"Dodo! Stop goofing around and finish those adjustments!" Valentina ordered.
GOLDY & GRUBBA: 0/2 Placards
The yellow team crashed the lively hotel reception of two Bob-ombs. Banquet tables with champagne flutes and cake plates were partially occupied; most guests were using the photo booths, hitting up the DIY bar, or finishing their bingo cards.
"Well, howdy and congrats!" Grubba exclaimed, mock-curtsying to the laughing newlyweds. "Tie the knot, yank the noose? Or should I say blow the fuse? Hyuk hyuk hyuk!"
"You're horrible," Goldy said, "but not wrong, I guess."
"Marriage? Pah! Who needs a love life?" Goldy scoffed. "I keep my Horde in line and I stay busy with my jobs and hobbies. Why risk landing a psycho like Chubba?"
Goldy rolled across a table, scanning the name cards. She paused by an untouched cake slice, shiftily glanced around, and devoured the whole thing. Her eyes lolled back.
"Ohhhh, red velvet… That hits the spot!"
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: 0/2 Placards
"This is crazy!" Goom Goom hurried off the floor as the crowd suddenly shifted gears into quickstep. "I can barely walk in these stupid heels, and girls are dancing like it's nothing!"
He searched one last table before rendezvousing with Dupree.
"We 'ave covered everyzeeng, honh? Ours are not 'ere! Eet eez time to move on!"
They ventured back outside and speed-walked down the cobblestone street, Goom Goom frequently still stumbling.
EVE & PODLEY: 0/2 Tiers
GARF & GUS: 0/2 Tiers
PLENN & THRIFF: 0/2 Tiers
"The Bizarre Brothers just got here," Gus told the camera. "If we finish before them, that'd be so sick."
"So sweet," Garf said.
"Whatever."
Both sets of brothers traded icy glares as they drew their first squiggly vines. Chef Torte howled and hustled over to correct their messy technique. Meanwhile, Podley was making good progress on his filigree. Eve continued to struggle, having to touchup each piece multiple times.
"I tried staying focused, I really did," Eve said. "Surrounded by those beautiful wedding cakes and toppers, I couldn't help but be reminded. Soon it consumed my thoughts, and…"
"Eve?" Podley said questioningly.
"Why, Podley? Why did you do that to us?" Eve sniffled. "I fantasized about our proposal…our ceremony…our cake! Our first house, our first show, our…our…" Remembering the camera, she broke down sobbing. "Oh Vigil, kids, forgive me…"
"Oh, my Eve…" Podley sighed. "How I tried to avoid thinking about that right now…"
"Man, things are getting intense over there," Garf said quietly.
"Why couldn't this have been our cake?" Eve wailed.
"Intense? More like melodramatic," Gus said.
"You don't know anything. Butt out," Plenn said. Gus glowered at him. "Are you fellas okay?"
"No, nothing's okay," Eve babbled. "Everything's wrong, I don't know!"
Crying and hiccupping miserably, she dashed out through the employee entrance.
"Eve!" Podley dropped his icing bag and rushed after her.
DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 8th Place
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in Last Place
"Lots of UTVs, SHA-CRACKITY!" Swob pointed out. "Are we in back, SHA-DOOM?"
"Ve vill make up time on Vedding Crashers!" Bobolink posed, accentuating her flower-and-pearl cylinder top band and fan drop chandelier earrings for the camera. "And complete my amazink ensemble! Vhat a steal!"
"You plan to stake your fate in such a luck-based task?" Crimson sounded unsurprised. "We will have to part ways here."
"Suit yourself. Svob, come!"
"I vas tired attendink weddinks as bridesmaid or fashion consultant," Bobolink said. "Successful in career but not romantic life. Vhy no stability vhere it mattered? I vanted opportunity to imagine myself vearink beautiful dress for once. Be centerpiece of magical fairytale veddink."
"Vhat vile mockery is zis?" Bobolink demanded.
"It is okay, Linka! After modeling your outfits, I am good at walking in heels, SHA-WHAM!"
"Not zat!" Bobolink indicated the chocolate brown dresses Dodo held up. "Zat revoltink color! Zose misplaced froufrou ruffles! I refuse to vear it!"
"Take a hike, you impudent, fashionless floozy!" Valentina shrieked. "What do you know about wedding dresses anyway?!"
"Nothink, because I have never been in one!" Bobolink's anger suddenly shifted. "And vhy is zat, Svob?! Vhy are ve stuck in zis horrible relationship limbo dance?!"
Swob stammered, snatched his outfit, and retreated into a dressing room.
"Small town boy mustered courage to talk to high-league, pretty city girl, but too scared to seal deal, SHA-PHOOM!" Swob said. "More than anything, I want Linka to be happy. She is so smart and beautiful. Deserves someone equally good, SHA-BLAM! That gives me much doubt. Always hard to tell if she enjoys my company, especially on Race. Is it selfish for me to claim her if she can find somebomb better?"
FLO & MAUDE: 0/2 Placards
Scurrying through the string-lit streets in their violet dresses and indigo heels without major trouble, the Crows quickly arrived at the Koopa couple's reception. Gentle backlighting and handcrafted centerpieces added a contemporary feel to the lounge's otherwise cosmopolitan décor. The moms laughed as the Shoe Game MC announced their arrival.
"I can imagine all those guests shaking their heads at these two old Crows, crashing in without proper makeup," Flo giggled.
"Weren't the ambiances of all those receptions pitch-perfect? Nighttime weddings rule!"
"They really do! Take note, kids! Your mamas are doling out some advice!"
"Bless my feathers Flo, I found yours!" Maude chirped. She plucked a shell holder with Flo's name and a candy-filled, imprinted mason jar from a table.
FLO & MAUDE: 1/2 Placards
"How darling!" Flo said. "Where to now? I'd wager our second is at the reception across town."
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: 0/2 Placards
An outdoor garden with meteor-like raindrop lights, a hedge maze, picturesque pagoda, and game stations for horseshoes and Jenga hosted the Goomba couple's reception. Naturally, Goom Goom faceplanted near cocktail tables where the bridesmaids were socializing, setting them aflutter with giggles.
"Maaaan…" he groaned.
"I've been single for so long. Of course The Amazing Drag Race drops me in front of all these petite, pretty Goomba gals. Just my type, and I'm wearing this uggo green dress. I've never been so embarrassed…"
"Anyone want a manly bride?" Goom Goom joked lamely. More giggling.
"At least the humiliation kept me on track. I didn't even think about asking all those sizzling knockouts for their numbers. …Well, maybe just a little bit."
"Whoa! Here's my name!" Goom Goom collected his card and a mini-bag of truffle chocolates. "Almost missed it. Least I'm at the groomsmen table."
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: 1/2 Placards
"D-Man, I got mine!" Goom Goom carefully plodded over. "Here, hold these so I don't crush them. Any luck?"
"No, zese marvelous muffins 'ave all rejected my—er, I mean! Alas, I 'ave searched and found notheeng! Onward to zee next?"
EVE & PODLEY: 0/2 Tiers
GARF & GUS: 0/2 Tiers
PLENN & THRIFF: 0/2 Tiers
DRAK & CRIMSON: 0/2 Tiers
"Another decorating challenge…" Drak muttered distastefully.
"Do not apply so much pressure," Crimson advised, smirking. She demonstrated high aptitude with the piping technique, creating smooth, expert-level flourishes with flourishing strokes. "Slow down and show some finesse. Where is your artistry?"
"It died in Hollijolli Village…"
"That head chef was one strict taskmaster," Garf said. "If one swirl didn't meet his standards, he let you know."
"Nein!" Chef Torte yelled. "Like zis!"
"My hands were super shaky, and it was tough to concentrate," Gus said. "We hadn't eaten anything all day, and now there's these mouthwatering cakes everywhere. It was torture, but waaaaay better than the alternative."
"Who knew decorating cakes took so much effort?" Garf said.
The other brothers had made great progress on their first layer.
"We doodle a lot in our spare time," Thriff narrated. He rotated his wrist slightly, making a dot to fill some white space in the scrollwork. "It's great that our pencil skills translate to icing."
"Looks like we're good to do the border," Plenn said after receiving acknowledgment from Chef Torte. "Here, watch my size. We need to make the beads even all around."
Meanwhile, Podley consoled Eve in the alley behind re:Torte.
"I'm sorry," Eve said tearfully. "What's come over me, I… I don't know why I'm getting so emotional."
"It's been a long day. We can take the penalty if this is too draining for you," Podley offered. "I'm serious. You're my number one priority."
"No… Cakes are happy, celebratory things. We can't get eliminated over my silly hang-ups about cake."
"…Your feelings are anything but silly." Podley rubbed her shoulder. "Come on. We can talk more about this later."
Eve wiped her eyes with her bandana. Podley hoisted her up, and they returned to work.
"I've stayed busy over the years, but alone with my thoughts, I would stew in regrets," Podley said. "How I wished I could've interjected when your officiant said 'speak now or forever hold your peace.' "
"I nearly said something myself," Eve admitted. "I'm glad I didn't, but it's still somewhat comforting to know you felt the same. The heart truly is strange. I hope I don't repeatedly relapse like this now that we're back in contact. Vigil can only be so understanding."
"The Race won't rewrite our past. But I believe it sets the stage for a brighter future. For both of us."
Time-lapsed shots montaged the four teams. Plenn and Thriff added some pre-made gumpaste peonies to their spiral, completing their first tier.
PLENN & THRIFF: 1/2 Tiers
"It's coming together nicely," Thriff said as he refilled his icing bag.
"The top layer is smaller," Plenn said. "We're probably sixty-five percent done."
GOLDY & GRUBBA: 1/2 Placrds
The gold team got on the board with Goldy's card from the Goombas' reception.
"Are these for me?" Goldy asked, eyeing the truffle chocolates. "Can I eat them?"
SWOB & BOBOLINK: 0/2 Placards
Swob handled his heels unexpectedly well, keeping pace with Bobolink to lift her train.
"My outfit does not match, my makeup is not done, and I do not have weddink band!" Bobolink ranted. "Zis is not how I wanted first time in weddink dress!"
"Look on bright side," Swob said. "We are matching, SHA-KRACK!"
"In zese dreadful dresses, da! I had my dream weddink week all planned out, your handsome tuxedo, my bachelorette party! But is all goink to vaste! Ve are never gettink married, are ve? Vhy is zat, Svob?! Tell me!"
Swob was uncomfortably silent. They reached the Bob-omb's hotel venue. Bobolink took in the reception—the celebratory atmosphere, the happy couple—and immediately exploded.
"Vhy must I see vhat I cannot have? I vant zat to be me!" she cried. "Vhy am I stuck in happily never after?! Vhen vill I have my lifelonk partner and big family?! I cannot wait any longer, Svob! If you vill not ved me, let me go! Let me build life vith someone else! Stop pullink me back!"
"…Was I just dumped again?" Swob asked, dumbfounded.
All the commotion drew predominantly disapproving looks from other guests. The camera abruptly panned to the lime green team as they walked toward the exit.
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: 1/2 Placards
"Shoot, they caught up," Goom Goom said. "I saw Bobbie's name, but not yours. Don't tell her!"
"Zee poor tears of my sweet maiden!" Dupree gasped. "Whatever could 'ave her so upset?"
"Boy am I glad to see you!" Swob said, floundering up to them. "Dupree, what do I do? Linka's heart is broken! Mine, too!"
"Follow your heart, monsieur! 'Eal 'er pain weeth zee power of lo—"
"Not the time, Swob, sorry," Goom Goom said quickly.
"You searched tables, da? I cannot stand beink at zis reception," Bobolink said sadly. "Please. Did you see one of our cards?"
"Nope," Goom Goom claimed. Dupree's expression trembled. "We didn't see either of yours here."
One shot lingered accusingly on Bobolink's name card.
"Spasibo. Are other receptions same species?" Bobolink asked.
"No," Dupree said. "Zey are all equally different and dazzleeng! You will be inspired by all zee beautiful dresses!"
"Nyet…" Bobolink dolefully trudged toward the exit.
"Alliance is so helpful! Only three more to search, SHA-PAFF!" Swob said, zipping after her. "Thanks to you!"
"Good luck," Goom Goom called after them. He looked to a crestfallen Dupree. "Sorry, but it's a game, man."
FLO & MAUDE: 2/2 Placards
The Crows danced through the throng of waltzing Toads as they examined the round tables.
"Fancy Flo, found at the fanciest party!" Flo exclaimed, claiming her card and a bow-tied gift box.
They scuttled back to Valentina Bridal and traded their name cards and reception favors for a clue.
FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 2nd Place
Flo fended off Dodo as Maude read the Route Info.
" 'Make your way on foot to the next pit stop at Marrymore Chapel.' "
(~*TAR*~)
Rapid shots accelerated to the church in the center of town…right next to the Honeymoon Hotel.
"Remaining in costume, teams must now travel on foot to Marrymore Chapel, the city's most popular wedding site, and the pit stop for this leg of the Race."
ROUTE INFO
Go to Pit Stop: Marrymore Chapel
Three Snifits irreverently bounded over the pews.
"Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. In order to check in, teams must first despoil one of these Snifits of their stolen bridal good luck charms. The last team to run down the aisle…may be eliminated."
(~*TAR*~)
"We're keeping the dresses on?" Maude laughed. "This is hilarious!"
"Goin' to the chapel / And we're gonna get ma-a-arried~!" Flo sang. "No, not you!"
They slammed the door in Dodo's face and booked it.
Life-sized wooden doll Geno stood by Blaise at the wedding altar. Both remained stoic as a team threw open the doors and blew past the Snifits.
"Whooo! I'm here a few months early!" Deyn shouted happily. She led Tally down the aisle, swinging their held hands, and hopped onto the mat before turning to face her teammate, giggling. "I guess you'll do for now, Tal."
"Likewise, Deyn."
"Welcome to Marrymore," Geno said. "Best wishes for your upcoming marriages."
"Thank you very much." "Thanks!"
"Tally and Deyn." Blaise paused.
"Anything but last," Deyn said. "Please?"
"You are team number one."
TALLY & DEYN: 1st Place
"What? No way!" Deyn squealed. They hugged, hopping around jubilantly.
"Your prize for winning this leg," Blaise continued, "is a five-day trip for two to Yo'ster Isle. You'll enjoy a state-of-the-art natural beachside resort, an all-access pass to the Mushroom Derby, and island safaris led by the locals."
"Honeymoon~!" Deyn exclaimed. "Woohoo!"
"My fiancé is my best friend and other half," Tally said. "Deyn is also my best friend and lifelong confidant."
"Don't forget soul sister!" Deyn added. "Sister from another mister!"
"Married life often changes friendships. This may be our last adventure, the two of us as we are. And we are not ready for it to end."
Before charging the mat, Maude pilfered a blue brooch from one of the Snifits.
"Flo and Maude. You are team number two."
FLO & MAUDE: 2nd Place
"Aaah! We crushed the superleg!" Flo crowed, exchanging a winged high-ten with Maude.
PLENN & THRIFF: 1/2 Tiers
EVE & PODLEY: 1/2 Tiers
DRAK & CRIMSON: 1/2 Tiers
GARF & GUS: 0/2 Tiers
"You've gotten the hang of it," Podley said. He sharpened a treble clef-shaped piece of scrollwork with his paintbrush. "Good show, Eve."
"Someone's going to celebrate with this cake tomorrow," Eve said. "We can't disappoint them."
The lavender and gray teams had finished decorating their second-from-the-top layers; the shamrock green team had nearly filigreed their top.
"Crud, how did everyone get so far ahead of us?" Gus muttered.
"Doesn't matter," Garf said. "We just need to beat one team. Maybe two."
"Unless someone's cake goes splat, it won't be anyone here."
Garf firmly pressed their last peony into the established spiral. Chef Torte approved their arrangement, permitting them to start on the topmost tier.
GARF & GUS: 1/2 Tiers
SWOB & BOBOLINK: 0/2 Cards
"Swanky soiree, SHA-SHOOM!" Swob said appreciatively.
"Branches cover stars," Bobolink muttered. "Not enough flower arrangements."
An oblivious Swob cut through the crowd just as the Goomba bride tossed the bouquet. By some bizarre stroke of fate, it lodged itself upright on his fuse.
"What is tickling my happy place, SHA-BOO?" Swob finally read the atmosphere and noticed the displeased Goomba women surrounding him. "Oh! I am not real bride, SHA-SHACKITY! You can redo it, SHA-FOOM!"
He shook the bouquet away and galloped over to the tables, where Bobolink was shaking her head.
"Figures. Maybe I should have tried catchink bouquet," she said listlessly.
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: 1/2 Cards
"Ewwww!" Disgusted by the smell emanating from Dupree's high heel when he raised it to jokingly participate in the Shoe Game, several Koopas bumped him back toward his teammate.
"I don't get it. We searched all four receptions, and we only found my stuff," Goom Goom said. "Be real, D-Man. Were you looking at the cards, or the girls?"
"I am a fantastique multitask—"
"Dupree."
"Well…"
Goom Goom sighed, frustrated. "Which one were you the least focused at?"
GOLDY & GRUBBA: Currently in 3rd Place
"Hold the phone! Heeeeeeere's Grubba!" Grubba presented his name card and wagged a finger at Goldy. "See what happens when yer too busy stuffin' yer face?"
"Hey, leave me alone! We don't all have fat reserves!"
Leaving the Bob-omb reception for the second time, the gold team returned to Valentina Bridal and claimed a clue.
"You beasts!" Valentina angrily threw the empty Goomba bag to the ground. "What happened to my truffles?!"
PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 4th Place
"That's a wrap!" Plenn said, installing a double-heart wedding topper on their finished wedding cake. "Looks good enough to eat, huh fella?"
"Vell of course," Chef Torte scoffed. "Ve only bake za best, most tasty cakes. Your decorating ist adequate, I guess."
"Just curious—what flavor is it?" Thriff asked.
"Vite chocolate vith raspberry filling."
"Wow! Any chance we can sample some?"
"Nein."
The Toads removed their culinary jackets, headed outside to read the pit stop clue, and returned to retrieve their mandatory costumes before vacating the premises.
EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 5th Place
After Eve affixed the final peony to the side, she and Podley gently placed the wedding topper.
"May the couple who receives our cake share a long and happy life together," Eve said.
They read their Route Info and departed.
"We're pathetic," Gus muttered. "The oldies stop for a cry break, and they still finish ahead of us."
Crimson set the pace on icing the border. After piping several beads, she batted Drak's bag away.
"Just stop. Your size and spacing are suitable cause for us starting over on this section. Let me take the lead."
Drak scowled, but acquiesced.
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in 6th Place
Backtracking to the Bob-omb reception, Dupree successfully collected his name card and a wine glass of wrapped bonbons.
"I was standeeng by zees table when dear Boboleenk and Swob promenaded in," he explained. "I could not ignore my darleeng damsel-in-distress!"
"Of course." Goom Goom rolled his eyes.
Goom Goom stumbled multiple times on the trip back to Valentina Bridal, even coming close to toppling his teammate.
"Ugh, you're kidding," he reacted upon hearing the Route Info. "We still have to wear this stuff?"
SWOB & BOBOLINK: 1/2 Placards
"Thanks for the invitation to this reception, SHA-PLOOM!" Swob lifted his empty glass and toasted the Goomba couple. "Okay, Linka! Time to crash another wedding, SHA-CRASH!"
Bobolink sauntered over from where she'd been halfheartedly scanning name cards. The brown team walked out to the main avenue, where Swob coaxed her into a light jog.
"Come on, Linka! We must hurry! I have bad feeling in belly we are endangered, SHA-DOOP!"
"Vhy am I runnink? Vhat point is zere?"
DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 7th Place
Before bolting from re:Torte, Crimson squeezed some icing onto her finger and chomped down for a taste.
"Such caustic saccharinity," she complained. "My fangs rot with despair."
"V-Vat are you zaying?!" Chef Torte panicked. "I vas kind to your zubpar vork! Do not give me bad publicity!"
Before Goldy could frisk a Snifit, Grubba leapt in and bowled one over.
"Now that's how you do it!" He crowned himself with the bridal veil and cavorted down the aisle.
"Goldy and Grubba. You are team number three."
GOLDY & GRUBBA: 3rd Place
"Hooooo-WEEEE! Our first podium finish!" Grubba hollered. "We're goin' places now!"
Goldy exasperatedly shook his train off from her head. Shortly after, the first chef coat wearers stormed the nave. Their less-cumbersome costumes made the task of snaring and shaking down a Snifit much easier compared to with the material-laden dresses.
"Plenn and Thriff. You are team number four."
PLENN & THRIFF: 4th Place
"We got uncharacteristically snippy after the last mat," Plenn said. "I dunno what happened. Guess it's the exhaustion speaking."
Some time later, another team recaptured a Cinderella-esque glass slipper and walked down the aisle, careful to stagger their distance.
"I would've preferred visiting any place but this," Podley deadpanned.
"Thank goodness we didn't choose the other Detour." Eve looked teary-eyed, but managed to maintain her composure.
"Eve and Podley. You are team number five."
EVE & PODLEY: 5th Place
GARF & GUS: Currently in 8th Place
The twins also sampled the buttercream icing while reading the Route Info, to Chef Torte's chagrin.
"Man, that's tasty. 'The last team to check in may be eliminated,' " Garf concluded, licking his fingers.
"I've got a headache, stomachache, full-body ache," Gus lamented. "I really hope someone had an even worse day."
SWOB & BOBOLINK: 1/2 Placards
"I not understand," Swob said. Behind them, many Toads were taking a break from dancing, socializing and enjoying refreshments at their tables. "We visited all four receptions and only found one card, SHA-PAFF! We looked really hard too, SHA-CRASH!"
"Ve did not search Bob-omb reception," Bobolink reminded him. "Ze boys said it vas not zere."
"You think they missed it, SHA-BOOM?"
"Either zat, or zey are liars. Undependable both vays."
"We must hurry back and check, SHA-BLOOIE!"
"Ughhhhh, this is impossible!" Goom Goom moaned.
"Pretty please, play nice for zee tired brides?" Dupree pleaded in falsetto.
Encumbered by their snag-happy dress trains, the bachelors struggled to corral a Snifit. Just as the cousins burst through the narthex doors, Dupree threw one of his high heels at a Snifit, stunning him long enough for Goom Goom to swipe a glass slipper. Drak seized the opportunity to do the same.
"Sacrebleu!" Forced to backtrack for his own shoe in order to check in with full costume, Dupree hobbled to the pulpit, looking very unhappy.
"Drak and Crimson, Dupree and Goom Goom. You are teams six and seven."
DRAK & CRIMSON: 6th Place
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: 7th Place
"Good to see you survived…" Drak said by way of greeting.
"We're still making tons of dumb mistakes, but…I feel like we're getting better," Goom Goom said.
"Oui, I zeenk I feel it." Dupree held up the 'little bit' hand gesture. "Our energy defineetely felt different on zee second part."
"If we can keep playing to our strengths and stay focused, I know we can climb the ranks, make it to the end, and win!"
Alternating shots between the forest green and brown teams, racing frenetically through Marrymore in their unequally wacky uniforms, came to a head as one blitzed into the chapel, looted a brooch, and collapsed onto the mat.
"We could use some good news," Garf said, breathing heavily.
"Garf and Gus." Blaise inserted a seemingly extra-long pause. "You are team number eight."
GARF & GUS: 8th Place
"We made it," Garf said. He side-hugged Gus and jostled him lightly. "Great job, bro. We're still in."
"That was the most stressful day of my life," Gus said.
An indeterminate amount of time later, the on/off dating couple entered Marrymore Chaptel. Swob blew up near a Snifit, liberating a veil for Bobolink to wear. They proceeded the rest of the way side-by-side, Bobolink humming a recognizable tune under her breath.
"Welcome to Marrymore," Geno said.
"Swob and Bobolink. You are team number nine—at this time, the last team to arrive."
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Last Place
Both nodded sadly.
"And unfortunately you have been eliminated from the Race."
"Awwww…I wanted to keep exploring," Swob murmured, looking teary. He pecked Bobolink's cheek. "I was having so much fun with Linka. I never wanted it to end."
Blaise turned to the normally opinionated Bobolink. "Anything to add?"
"Vith all zese weddink reminders, I realized I am missink somezink important to me," Bobolink admitted. "Svob, it has been—"
"Linka, do you love me?" Swob asked.
"Ve dated for—"
"Da or nyet, Linka."
"…Da. But—"
"Da? Okay, good."
Swob dug through the fanny pack…and retrieved a wedding band. Bobolink gasped as he dropped into a Bob-omb's equivalent of a kneeling position and gazed up into her eyes. Her entire demeanor burst into life.
"I am not rich or handsome bomb-model. But I love you. More than anything, SHA-PLOWIE! I will do anything for you, SHA-BOOMITY! Will you take me as your husband?"
"Vhy am I cryink?" Bobolink laughed in embarrassment and rapidly blinked her eyes. "I told myself I vould not— Of course I vill! Da, Svob, da! I vaited years for you to ask! Ty nuzhen mne!"
"SHA-BOOM! SHA-FOOM! SHA-KROOM! SHA-SHOOM! My heart is exploding with joy, SHA-PLOOM!" Swob gently placed the wedding band under her veil before kissing her long and hard. "We are in Marrymore. Want to get married now, SHA-BOOMITY?"
"Da, da! I vill not vait second longer!" Bobolink looked at the stunned Blaise and Geno. "Can you not make somezink happen?!"
"I caught wedding bouquet while wearing dress! It was sign for sure, SHA-BRACK!" Swob laughed. "No way sleepy, hungry Linka would agree without magical superstition affecting her, SHA-SHACKITY!"
The eight remaining teams, a pajamas-wearing Booster and his Snifits, Valentina and Dodo, and Chef Torte and his apprentices crowded the pews as Swob and Bobolink exchanged vows.
"Ve eloped to faravay place," Bobolink recapped. "I vore veddink dress I did not design. Svob…did too."
"Go brown team, SHA-KOW!"
"I vas surrounded by many friends and strangers in middle of night. It vas most off-beat and spontaneous ceremony. I vould not accept anythink less from you, Svob. You make every day so interestink. It vas imperfectly perfect and all I ever vanted."
Chef Torte wheeled one of the Detour's completed wedding cakes into the chapel. Once it was cut, Bobolink smashed a slice into Swob's face. He returned the favor.
"Food fiiight!" Booster yelled.
"Vhat million coins?" Bobolink beamed. "I von best prize of all!"
"I got my The Amazing Race fancy shocker wedding to my dear love. I got all I wanted, SHA-BLOOIE!"
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Just Married!
A joyful organ arrangement of "Here Comes the Bride" and a heart-shaped fadeout closed on the cake-covered newlyweds kissing.
"Next time, on The Amazing Race!" Miles narrated. "With the double elimination and superleg in the rearview mirror, everyone finally has a chance to regroup."
"Surrogate sons!" Maude chortled, getting laughter from Garf and Gus. Drak and Crimson watched from across the terminal.
"Everything is coming together nicely..." Drak cackled.
"But as always, the competition is only picking up!"
Cue shots of Dupree knocking kitties down while attempting to dance, Tally dropping a bamboo steamer, and Podley's shuriken falling short of its target.
"And so is the answer to the question: on a scale of one to yes, how goofy can we make our racers look?"
More flash cuts showed everyone wielding Wiimotes. Grubba guffawed as he bicep curled his. Crimson irritably held hers atop her head like hair and bent forward. Goom Goom frantically rotated it about in midair.
"It's our home turf," Plenn said determinedly. "We're not losing this time!"
"Goodness! This is Simon Says on steroids!" Maude exclaimed.
"It's, uh, shorter than normal, but you still don't wanna miss it! Episode 7: No Time for Games!"
End of EPISODE 6
Easter Eggs
- Wedding Crasher's four weddings acknowledges Super Mario RPG's Seaside arc being the game's fourth world.
Author's Notes (6/15/16): TV-ready romantic destination proposals are sweet (TARCan's Paris tops my personal list), so following one immediately with a sappy wedding is the next best thing! Right? Marrymore and Swobolink's exit were a fated pair across all drafts of this season.
Swob/Bobolink kinda fall into the TAR bickering couple stereotype...except it's more of Bobolink screaming at spacey Swob over everything and nothing. Given that Bobolink is unidentified in-game (she may be either of the two Fahr Outpost NPCs designated Northa/Inngrid in this story), I created a concept and ran with it. A high-maintenance Russian starlet paired with an artsy, innocent guy who marches to the beat of his own drum made for wacky fun to write. Between her getting at least one fashion blurb per episode and him peppering his speech with SHA-xclamations and non sequiturs, it was hilarious trying to see how ridiculous I could make them. The Bobolink/Crimson femme fatale travelliance tag team was also a personal favorite dynamic. Now, whether or not Swobolink works as a married couple is debatable. Clearly this interpretation of their relationship shows many issues. At least here they can enjoy a happy ending.
Also, in case the preview's hint was too vague, play-by-plays begin partway through next episode. Hopefully the characters are established enough by now that readers can enjoy the action even without the dialogue.