The Passion and the Pain

by lightpathetic

"HERE you go! I hope you like this flavour, Shiki-kohai."

Shiki glanced up as the tall, grinning blonde dropped a bottle of pop into his lap. It was from the brand he liked to drink, although he preferred the lemon flavoured one. The orange one he was presented with was acceptable but...

"No thank you, Ichijou-sempai. I no longer drink these. I'm sorry to put you through the trouble," Shiki said with an almost bored expression as he handed the soda back to Ichijou. Ichijou barely won the struggle with his darker side that told him to throw the damned bottle out the window of the train but instead he shrugged good-naturedly and gave it to the salivating child that sat across from them, smiling broadly. Ichijou knew it was a lie. He had seen Shiki with the same soda earlier during his meal with Rima. It was obvious Shiki was deliberately goading him or at least trying to make this as difficult as possible. But Ichijou kept calm. He understood Shiki's hostility. They hadn't properly spoken since that morning they had separated. Ichijou had worked hard to leave the impression in Shiki's mind that Ichijou had used him for his own sexual gratification. It could be Shiki was still a little annoyed about that...

"I'm sorry as well," Ichijou smiled, not intending on giving up breaking down Shiki's defenses. "I should have asked you before I went to the beverage car. Do you want me to go back and get you something else...?"

"Why did you ask me to come on this trip with you?"

"Huh?" blurted Ichijou, completely caught out by the question.

"Why me? There are far more competent nobles in your group. Ones that it wouldn't be this awkward with..."

"Awkward? It is not awkward..." Ichijou laughed but trailed off as Shiki stared at him, obviously expecting a real answer. They had barely spoken on the way to the station; Ichijou had been over-compensating by being extra cheerful and Shiki had been glum and prickly. Their history hung between them like a bad odour that was hard to ignore. Ichijou had confessed to callously sending Shiki's life into upheaval just for sex and Ichijou knew that the calls Shiki received from his mother weren't only because of maternal concern. Shiki had hoped he would never have to face his shame and be alone with Ichijou ever again and yet here they were. By Kaname's orders. But Shiki knew better than to place the blame entirely at Kaname's feet. He was here instead of Hatsusaga? The vampire who could summon lightning at will and was one of those in Ichijou's inner circle. One of those whose friendship had turned sour as soon as they had heard Shiki was no longer in Ichijou's good graces...

Ichijou sighed and looked away not knowing what to say in the face of Shiki's hostility. He couldn't come right out and say he wanted him. Something told him Shiki wouldn't be receptive to that.

He knew he was to blame for this. They hadn't spoken since the split almost a month ago and truth be told, he had wanted to punish Shiki a little. He had wanted Shiki to miss him a little. He knew how his influence had pushed Shiki to the sidelines and had secretly rejoiced, wanting to hurt him as he was hurting. But it had backfired. Shiki had also been pushed farther away from him. How was he going to do this?

"Shiki, I... I want to apologise..."

"You have got some nerve," Shiki said calmly. Too calmly. Ichijou could feel Shiki's anger like waves coming from his body. He turned to a side a little in the seat, putting himself a little on guard. He did know what Shiki's temper was like, although one hoped he didn't lose it like that in public.

"Shiki, I know things didn't end well between us. I am sorry about what I said..."

"I don't think you are. Come on, Ichijou, I know what a good actor you are. What is it, hmm? Do you want more of the 'hot model' while you are away from your cronies? You don't want anyone to find out your sordid little secret: your attraction to me?"

"No! That's not it...!"

Shiki sat back and laughed mirthlessly, his adorable, famous smile lighting up his handsome face. Ichijou would have been simply transfixed by it, save for the dark edge to it. Many of the car's occupants looked their way in concern. Even they knew something was wrong. The good-natured, care-free smile that Ichijou had been carefully stoking since they had left the Academy in silence finally fell from his face as his fear began to rise. This... it felt... too much like... hate...

"So it's not true?" Shiki finally said, his mirth dying as suddenly as it began. "You don't want me?"

Ichijou held Shiki's eyes, stuck for an answer. He did want him, but he knew it was a mistake to say so now. He looked away, his eyes almost telegraphing his turmoil. How did he do this?

"Ichijou... Takuma..."

Ichijou trembled as Shiki whispered his name gently. He turned back to see Shiki's warm eyes looking at him, they seemed to have melted from the coldness before. Ichijou felt hope again. He let his guard down.

"Senri, I'm sorry for what happened, but I..."

"Shhh. It's okay. I understand," Shiki purred, his fingers going to Ichijou's lips to silence him. But Shiki didn't remove them immediately. He trailed them along Ichijou's lower lip, parting them. He dipped inside to the soft inner membranes and repeated the action, all the while holding Ichijou's eyes, watching them. Ichijou became lost in Shiki's soft, grey gaze, the fingers on his sensitive lips sending thrills through his body. His eyes darkened and desire instantly flared to the surface. Forgetting where he was he caught Shiki's hand in his and brought the fingers into his mouth, suddenly hungry; ravenously hungry for Shiki's taste. Ichijou's eyes closed in near ecstasy as Shiki's flavour hit his tongue, his body at once betraying him. He sucked them greedily, running his tongue along the pads of each finger. He wanted him. Oh, how he wanted... needed him...!

"Let go of my hand."

Ichijou opened his eyes at that voice. The coldness...

"I said let it go!" Shiki seethed, his face suddenly ugly with hate. Ichijou dropped his hand. The despair that suddenly suffused Ichijou's green eyes would have broken anyone's heart.

"Shiki. Please listen to me...!"

"No. You listen to me," Shiki retorted his eyes holding Ichijou's, his gaze filled with the intent to make his message clear, "I despise you. I will never sleep with you again. Never! And I don't care who your friends are; the next time you make a move on me I will make sure it is your last. Now excuse me, I need some air. Something in here stinks."

SHIKI HATES me. Shiki hates me...

"...anything..."

"What?" Ichijou jerked back to the present quite reluctantly. He didn't feel much like living at the moment but he forced a smile to his face and looked down at the copper-haired Vampire expectantly. He hoped he was carrying off the "Can't blame a guy for trying again" attitude he had adopted, even though even he could hear how brittle it was around the edges. But Shiki didn't seem to care about anything Ichijou was going through. He seemed intent on getting the assignment over with so he could get back to the academy and away from Ichijou.

"I said, I don't hear anything. Are you sure this is the place?" Shiki deadpanned, his eyes inspecting the front of the boarded up building. Ichijou mentally shook himself.

"Yes. Kaname said the first body was found here. Normally they would bring their victims back to a place they would feel safest. It is worth checking out..."

"Okay, fine. Let's go then."

"Wait! I'll go first," Ichijou ordered.

Shiki hesitated then nodded. It wasn't worth it to argue. Ichijou obviously had the experience and was in charge. He allowed Ichijou to lead the way to the door.

Ichijou inspected the door for a moment before he drew his sword and sliced it in two immediately replacing it in its sheath. Even to Shiki, who was of noble class, the action was a blur. Ichijou, even though he could control his gift quite well, preferred his sword when he hunted amongst humans. It drew less attention.

"Follow me. And... be careful."

THEY explored the modest two storey building, beginning with the ground floor then working their way silently upstairs. The house had been largely looted or emptied. Not much to see in the drab, dirty rooms. There was a bedroll or two from previous occupants and the stench of staleness. Ichijou feared it was all he would find and their stay in this village, with Shiki, would be longer than he would have hoped. It may be of no surprise to anyone Ichijou's reluctance to stay alone with the morose boy for too long, considering what had happened on the train. Ichijou felt the need to return to the Academy and lick his wounds, even though the look on Kaname's face when Ichijou told him he had given up would make him wish he had somewhere else to run to. But Ichijou consoled himself. Kaname was a fine one to talk, but he had been pining after the same human girl for years and did nothing about it. If he uttered so much as one word about his failure as a man...

"Ichijou-sempai."

Ichijou quickly cast away his brief revulsion at being called so formally by Shiki and walked over to Shiki's side.

"What is it, kohai?"

"Look."

Shiki turned and pointed and Ichijou followed his line. He saw it, half buried under a dirty blanket. It looked like a picture frame. Ichijou walked over and picked it up.

"It is of two children," Ichijou muttered unnecessarily, but they both were noting something else very encouraging. The frame was beautifully carved from wood. Not the usual cheap one you would get from market. And it was very well kept. The glass was clean and the wood polished. Someone had been here recently.

"We probably just missed them," Shiki embellished, his eyes going over the small room in the back, away from the street, that supposed had once been a bedroom. Maybe of a child. "Maybe if we wait a while it will return."

"Perhaps."

Ichijou looked around the room in search of a suitable place to hide. Nothing. Shiki read his intentions though.

"Maybe in one of the other rooms. I think it sleeps in here," Shiki said, gesturing to the makeshift bedroll of old blankets and the heavy drapes on the one window. "It is almost sunrise."

Ichijou nodded and left the small room, walking across to the doorway opposite. The door was already open but there would be a blind spot to the left of it for whoever climbed the staircase. They could wait there.

Shiki without another word seated himself onto the floor with his back against the wall, surprising Ichijou who thought he would have balked at even touching the dusty floor. He sat himself across from Shiki crossing his legs. There were drapes on the window in here as well, but they were thinner and both vampires could see the day beginning to dawn.

Shiki leaned his head back and closed his eyes rather than look at Ichijou, hoping this would be over soon. The stillness and the boredom were playing havoc with his senses, he thought. He was acutely aware of Ichijou: his heartbeat, his scent, the sound of his soft breaths, his hands... Shiki pulled himself together quickly as he found himself reminiscing about the feel of Ichijou's large hands on his body. They were always warm; always insatiable; roaming everywhere...

"You are so beautiful."

"Excuse me...?"

"You are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen."

"Ichijou-sempai! Are you losing your mind?"

"No... I..." Ichijou sighed and smiled sadly, looking away from Shiki's incredulous eyes. Here they were: dusty, hunting, staking out a crazed, homicidal monster and Ichijou was... admiring him. But he couldn't help it. His heart felt full and he was tired of hiding. Ichijou took courage and looked back into Shiki's eyes which were filled with skepticism and not a little panic.

"I love you."

"W... What?"

"I said, 'I love you'."

Shiki searched Ichijou's gaze for a moment for any hint, anything at all, that he was joking. But saw none. Ichijou looked into his eyes like he was looking at the most wonderful thing in the world. Shiki felt like he had to look away or he would drown in those dark emerald eyes...

"Please spare me. You are the lowest. You would try anything..." Shiki scoffed. He wouldn't believe...

"No! I was lying before. I would have said anything at that point to keep you from leaving the Academy. Anything. I merely told you what you wanted to hear. That I wasn't really serious. But I was. I am. Shiki I have been in love with you from the moment those gorgeous, gray eyes looked up at Kaname and me from under that ridiculous hat..."

"No! You are lying! You are just trying to use me!" Shiki whispered furiously, not believing the nerve of this scum! "How dare you try this again? Have you no shame? You would tell me this now after what you did...!"

Ichijou leapt up and straddled Shiki before he could stand. He sat on Shiki's lap pinning the smaller vampire so he couldn't leave. They were going to talk about this.

"Senri, I am sorry for what I said and I am sorry for how I treated you, how I hurt you. I knew they were ostracising you. I knew what it was doing to you, especially after you had tried so hard to be accepted, but I was hurt and angry. I wanted to hurt you like I was. I hated how happy you seemed to get away from me. You never once looked back my way..."

"You discarded me!! Why should I look at you!! You told me you...!!"

Ichijou pulled Shiki into his arms and held him to his chest, squeezing him a little too tightly but unable to stop. Unable to let go. He lay his nose in Shiki's hair and inhaled, cherishing his scent, the fact that he was in his arms.

"Give me a chance to make it up to you. Please. You don't know what it is like without you, Shiki. Each time I see you and I can't talk to you, can't hold you. In those months together I know now that you became my best friend. I took for granted how you would smile at my jokes or we would simply talk or how you would pick out my pyjamas so I wouldn't have to search for them after one of my long days. I love the way you would curl your feet under you on the bed when you are really getting ready to listen to me and I love how you tolerated my playing with fire even though you are scared to death of it. Senri, I love you. I love you. Please, please forgive me."

Shiki, who had been pushing and hitting Ichijou in the ribs stilled somewhere along Ichijou's tribute. He knew Ichijou was serious. He knew he was. Just like he knew him. If Shiki was completely honest with himself he would admit that that night's ending hadn't exactly rung true to who Ichijou was. And he had seen that look. Ichijou's heart had been... breaking... Shiki grew quiet and began drawing deep breaths into his lungs. This was the Ichijou he knew. This was the Ichijou he lo...

"No! Let me go! It's no use. I can't... I can't..." Shiki began to sob. He hadn't wanted to deal with this. It had been simple to hate him. His life had been less complicated. But now...

"Well, I can't either, Senri. I can't let you go. If you run away I intend to follow and bring you back. There is no-one that will love you and take care of you better than I can..."

"No! No! You don't understand!" Shiki yelled, pushing away finally, both forgetting where they were, "It's impossible! I won't abandon her! I love her, Takuma. This... this is my punishment for betraying her. Betraying her like everyone else has. She warned me..." Shiki swallowed then looked up, his dark grey eyes pleading with Ichijou to understand, "I want to protect her too. I want her to feel loved and cherished. It is my job, my responsibility and I won't let her down! Not like the rest. I would rather die!!"

"Senri, she is your mother...!"

"I promised her. I promised her, Takuma. I swore I would be different and I won't go back on my word. If I do. If I do this. If I was so selfish as to follow my own happiness, I will be like all the rest, all the rest that left us. Abandoned us! Even my father...!"

"No! You are not responsible for saving your mother from heartache! She is responsible for her own mistakes! You can't save her...!"

"I can! And I will! I told you, Ichijou. I warned you..."

"No! Don't! Goddamn it. Don't say it again! You are barely more than a child. You were a child when she took advantage of you!! She had no right to make you promise your life to her. She has no right to make you into her saviour! Not even an adult can fit such a bill. She is exploiting your innocence and you know it!! You'll save her? Can you really be so blind? So naive?!"

"No! Don't talk about her that way! You don't know what she has been through!"

"Are you so sure? Are you so sure I don't? At least my mother wasn't cowardly enough to use me to save her. At least she saw her mistakes as her own..."

"No! It's not like that!!"

"It is like that. You know this. You know this. Senri, we both know you are trying to get away from her but you are too messed up to fully admit it to yourself!! You are afraid of losing what love there is in her, but Shiki, she doesn't love you. She loves only herself or she would set you free...!"

"NO!!" Shiki screamed clutching his ears, trying to stop it. He didn't want to hear. It was lies. Lies...!

CREAK!!!

Both vampires jerked up and looked towards the doorway to see a young woman standing there staring at them, her stunning brown eyes stared almost blankly at the two noisy intruders to her house. Her head cocked to one side allowing his long black hair to fall over her shoulder. For several moments they stared at each other as they tried to adjust their minds to the ludicrous situation.

"Who are you?" Ichijou finally asked, his body twisting a little to shield Shiki.

The young woman looked past Ichijou to the crying child she thought she saw behind him.

"Is this man hurting you, sweetheart?"

Shiki didn't answer. He was too stunned. The woman's gaze became warm. She stooped to meet his eyes, trying to be reassuring. Shiki looked up at Ichijou in his puzzlement, his eyes widening. He looked afraid...

The woman dropped her head and stood thinking she got her answer. Then...

"Ichijou!!! No!!!"

Ichijou barely had time to react before he found himself on the floor beneath a snarling creature with long black hair...

"You are all the same! You prey on the weak!! You took my children, but no more...!"

"Takuma!!!"

Suddenly the creature was knocked to the side. Ichijou scrambled to his feet to see Shiki let fly one of his blood whips but the creature dodged it, the disintegrating floor boards hardly fazing her as she flew again at Ichijou.

Ichijou ducked quickly and rolled, grabbing his sword. Unsheathing it, he swung swiftly and precisely, the deadly silver blade slicing the creature in two, the parts already disintegrating into dust before they hit the floor, only her dress lay as testimony to her life. But... she was now at peace.

Ichijou spun and inspected Shiki as if he was the one that had been attacked and Shiki smiled, embarrassed he hadn't played a greater role.

"I guess there is something to be said for having boyishly good looks."

"Sure, you can joke about that."

"Well, it was pretty funny. She thought you were..."

"I know what she thought, thank you very much. I am still dying from shame at being knocked flat by a level "E" vampire..." His years of training with Kaname and an E class vampire got the better of him. Ichijou knew he had to leave that out of the report...

"She was pretty fast..."

"Shut up..."

"I mean it!!"

"I need some air."

"Wait!"

"What?"

Shiki walked over to Ichijou who frowned and Shiki pulled at his sleeve.

"You are bleeding."

"It's nothing. Her fingernails got me..."

Ichijou sucked in his breath, his teeth slamming together as Shiki leaned in to lick his arm. He slowly ran his tongue over the scratch marks, at first wanting to provide comfort but then finding he liked the taste.

"Mmmm. So good..." Shiki moaned.

Shiki found himself in the next instant, slammed back against the wall. He looked up at Ichijou but only for a glimpse of darkened green eyes before his mouth was plundered mercilessly. Ichijou groaned at meeting the taste of his own blood inside Shiki's mouth. It was like a mark of possession, exciting him. His tongue restlessly explored Shiki's hot mouth, licking and savouring, exploiting mercilessly when Shiki trembled as he licked near his fangs, to sucking his tongue tenderly when Shiki moaned contently. Ichijou loathed to retreat from the kiss, the long overdue intimacy satisfied Ichijou to the core, but still he wanted more. Much more.

"Come," Ichijou rasped as he tore his lips away from Shiki. He stayed a while looking into Shiki's dazed eyes, dilated as they were from desire, but he pulled away, grabbing one hand and twining his fingers with Shiki's. "This isn't the place for this."

"For what?" Shiki asked foolishly, still out of his mind. He had no idea Ichijou could kiss like that...

Ichijou grinned and pulled Shiki along towards the stairs, his eyes spoke of a singular intent that would have curled Shiki's toes if he had seen it.

"Come. You'll see."

to be continued

lightpathetic wrote this but these are not my characters. They belong to "Vampire Knight".