Hey everyone. So much for that break, huh? Oh well, I came up with a lot of ideas and I would have lost them if I didn't start working. Don't worry; they don't ALL involve more serious tragedies in Shu-chan's life, just some…

Yes, the beginning of this fic does go back to when Shuichi left Yuki's and tells his story before picking up where I left off, and it's mainly Shuichi-centric. Just in case you were wondering. Well, off to work then!...

Also, I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving and ate until they were about to burst and had fun with family! Twenty-four days 'til Christmas! Whoo-hoo! I want snow! Although, there were some flurries here on Thanksgiving morning, but they don't count 'cause I wasn't awake for them…

Disclaimer: The brain gnomes are still on their Thanksgiving vacation and will hopefully be back by the next disclaimer. Look for a new, witty disclaimer next time… Until then, as I've said before, I don't own Gravitation. Maki Murakami does and I am not Maki Murakami, unfortunately…

Worse Before it Gets Better…

The past couple of days were a complete blank in his mind, literally. Ever since he had woken up in the hospital to find himself alive, Shuichi had become cold. Yeah, he had been cold before, but that was in a different sense. He couldn't remember anything that had happened to him, he just knew that he now had heavy bandages wrapped around his wrists and up to his elbow on his left arm. Whatever was underneath them throbbed dully, but he ignored it and concentrated on trying to get some coherent thought out of his confused brain.

What was the last thing he remembered? Leaving Yuki's and…talking to Tatsuha. Then all he remembered was pain and something red. Whatever that was probably had something to do the uncomfortable bandages, but what was it? Shuichi strained his mind to remember but nothing came.

Sighing slightly in confusion and anguish, Shuichi pulled the blankets tighter around his body and rolled over onto his. Maybe what had happened to him would come to him in his dreams…

Two days before…

Shuichi stepped out of Yuki's apartment and pulled the door closed behind him, leaning up against the cold, hard wood as he let his emotions rage. His conscience had been speaking to him more and more lately and now it was yelling at him and telling him what an idiot he was for letting the best thing in his life just stay here in Japan while he went to America and was surrounded my million of groupies that wanted nothing more than to sleep with him. While he knew that what it was saying was true, Shuichi blocked it out and crossed the hall to his apartment to finish his packing.

He opened his door and stepped into the cold and dark apartment. Shuichi shivered slightly from the chill and went to check the thermostat.

"Damn, no wonder it's so cold," he whispered when he saw that it was only sixty degrees in the house, and he turned the dial to warm it up.

He went around the house and checked all the rooms, making sure everything was in place and cleaning up a few odds and ends so the house would be clean while they were gone. When he entered their bedroom, Shuichi stared at the bed and thought about how the nights had been for the past few weeks. He had been waking up in the middle of the night from panic attacks for the past three weeks. They had made it difficult for him to breathe and difficult for him to move. The first night they had happened, he sat up in bed, clutching his chest with tears forming in the corners of his eyes, as he tried to gulp down breath after breath of air with no success. Tatsuha had woken up next to him and gazed at him with groggy eyes before realizing what was happening. He wrapped his arms around Shuichi and laid him back on the bed; pushing his sweat covered hair out of his face and running his fingers through it in an attempt to calm him down. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. He had had one panic attack while he stayed at Yuki's one night, but the man slept like a rock and Shuichi was left alone to calm himself down.

After that first panic attack, the numbness had started and he started to go downhill faster. As much as he hated the panic attacks, he hated the numbness more. But every time the panic attacks came he wished for the grey, suspended feeling the numbness always brought forth. It was just that while he was numb it felt it wasn't going to stop there. A never-ending black abyss of despair had opened beneath him and was slowly pulling him down. Going near that darkness hurt Shuichi more than he ever imagined, and he shrunk away from it.

Shuichi shook his head and crossed the room to open his closet, beginning to throw some clothes into his suitcase. He ran into the bathroom and dug through the drawers, grabbing his cologne, toothbrush, toothpaste, and other necessities to add to the pile of stuff.

The entire time, his conscience mocked him and tried telling him that he was still a weak little idiot and that Tatsuha wasn't the same as Yuki and he knew it. Shuichi fought with the voice in many failed attempts to get it to shut up, but it just kept getting louder and more annoying.

He headed for the kitchen to grab a bottle of ibuprofen and pulled his jacket around him tighter. He checked the thermostat one more time and wasn't surprised to see that it now read seventy-five degrees. He was never warm lately, the walls he had put around himself to keep the others from worrying had trapped the coldness from the abyss in with him. He was now in so far that he could no more escape his downward slide then sprout wings and fly. He was now so close to the darkness that he didn't know how to make it go away anymore.

He entered the kitchen and grabbed the bottle of medication from the cabinet next to the sink, catching a glimpse of the knife rack in the corner of his eye.

"I don't want this anymore…," he whispered and, almost as if he was amazed by the knives, he dropped the bottle of pills and walked slowly toward the rack, pulling out one of the double edge knifes and a paring knife. He dropped both knives onto the ground and fell to his knees next to them, ignoring the pain that shot through his body. He took off the flannel jacket covering his arms and stared at the cuts, scabs, and scars up and down his left and right arms. Wanting to get on with his job, he picked the paring knife up from the floor and stabbed the tip of it into the flesh of his left arm, just below the elbow. Instead of just making a cut, however, he carved the letter M, then an A, then a S.

The phone rang and he reached up to grab it, turning it on and pinning it between his head and right shoulder so he could still work.

"Hello?" he asked as he started to carve an O.

"Hey, Shu-chan!" Tatsuha's cheery voice rang out through the phone and Shuichi tensed slightly.

"H-hey Tatsuha. What's up? How was your visit?" He finished the O and started on the C, trying his best to block out the voice of his conscious as it started to sing a song about cheating and what happens when people find out about it.

"Oh, it was okay. He's still mad that I'm in college, but I think he's getting over it. Mika was there, too. It was nice seeing her again."

"Good, how are she and her bastard of a husband? I haven't talked to Touma since he ordered me to pick up your jackass of a brother."

"Oh, Mika's two months pregnant. She just told dad yesterday, too. He was surprised but they have been married for long enough, even if it took awhile for it to be for the right reasons."

"I guess," Shuichi muttered as he quit going over the C for the fourth time and started on the H. His arm started throbbing from the deep cuts and it was covered in blood, but he did his best to ignore it. Everyone would be so much better off once his plan was complete and it wouldn't do any good for him to back out of it now.

"Well, I'll be home in about an hour, okay?"

"Sure."

"I'll see you then, Shuichi. Aishiteru."

"Bye," Shuichi said and hit the off button on the phone and threw it up onto the counter.

The throbbing had turned into sharp pains that went all the way up to his shoulder as he made a quick I and started on another S. His eyes were completely blank, void of as much emotion as possible, as they had been since the panic attacks and numbness started. His mind was washed as blank as his eyes, and, as he finished the S, he drew a quick vertical line just above the vein of his left wrist.

He threw the paring knife aside and picked the double edged knife up from the floor beside him. He stared at the glare of light off metal, losing himself in the morbid beautifulness of it, before shaking his head and propping the knife between his thighs. He couldn't get scared now and once again, of course, his conscience had started to egg him on.

Do it, it said. You know how much better off everyone will be when you're gone. You had this chance years ago and you chickened out, but don't back out now. You're not weak, little Shu-chan, you're strong. Unless you don't do this, that is. You know that you'll be weak forever if you don't do it now. You'll keep crawling back to Eiri and you'll keep hurting Tatsuha, not to mention yourself.

Shuichi closed his eyes and prepared himself for the pain as he placed each of his wrists on either side of the knife.

Do it. Leave this life…this lie…behind. Remember the thoughts that flow through your head when you're in bed with Eiri. You want Tatsuha. You picture his warm eyes, his big smile, his lips, his hair, his…

Shuichi cut both wrists simultaneously and the knife dropped down to the floor as his legs jerked in response to the pain. He hadn't expected it to hurt so much, since he was used to it, but it seared across all of his nerves like wildfire. The fresh blood added to that which had already fell to the floor, staining the white linoleum beneath him crimson. A wave of dizziness swept over him and he bent over, cradling his arms in his lap.

It actually didn't hurt anymore; in fact, the numbness was back and spreading. It started at his arms and was slowly making its way across his whole body. Another wave of dizziness swept over Shuichi and he slowly slumped to one side to lie on the floor. His vision was starting to go fuzzy, and he couldn't have moved if he wanted to.

A knock sounded from the front door and he moved his head to look it. Another knock, and then another. He moaned quietly, trying to get the person to go away, but they knocked again. He grumbled quietly and curled into the fetal position, holding his wrists as close to his body as he could.

The front door banged open and he heard someone call out. Was it Yuki? He didn't know, but if it was he still wanted to be left alone.

Shuichi closed his eyes as he suddenly began to feel very tired. The voice called out again and he grumbled quietly, sighing when he heard footsteps rush toward the kitchen.

The person gasped and ran to his side, slapping him lightly across the face. "Shuichi? Shuichi! Open your eyes!" the person he now knew was Yuki yelled frantically.

"Hm, Yu…ki," he muttered and, as another wave of dizziness swept through him, Shuichi opened his eyes to make sure the world wasn't spinning like he thought it was.

"What the hell, Shuichi?" Yuki said and Shuichi watched as the man rubbed at his eyes before searching the kitchen for something.

Yuki came back and wrapped what felt like towels around each of his wrists and on his left arm. He heard Yuki frantically tell someone on the phone about what was going on and Shuichi prayed that it wasn't Tatsuha as he closed his eyes.

"Shuichi!" Yuki said and smacked him again. "Open your eyes!"

Shuichi really wasn't listening but he opened them anyway. His vision was going grey around the edges and it was hard for him to focus on Yuki's face. "Yuki…, I…what?" he muttered, trying to tell him to go but wondering why Yuki was there in the first place.

"Why did you do this, Shuichi?" Yuki asked and he held Shuichi tighter, starting to cry as Shuichi didn't focus on his face.

He closed his eyes as another wave of dizziness swept over him, almost sending him into unconsciousness. The last thing he heard before drifting off was the panic in Yuki's voice as he screamed for him to wake up, but he couldn't.

The paramedics arrived soon after, but Shuichi had already slipped silently in darkness.

-------------

Back to present day…

A muffled sigh that echoed quietly throughout the room pulled the sleeping man from his dreams, and he opened hazy grey eyes to glance at the man lying in the bed across the room. Morning had come and small rays of light peeked through a small gap in the curtains. He saw that Shuichi was awake and quickly moved to the man's side, ignoring the pain in his back from sleeping in a chair for the night.

"You're awake," he said with a smile and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Hm," Shuichi mumbled and rolled onto his side to face his lover. "Unfortunately."

"Don't talk like that," he said and kissed Shuichi lightly on the cheek.

"When did you get back?"

"I've been told that it was about an hour after you…you know. Eiri called me and told me not to go home and to go to Ben's. I asked why, but he wouldn't tell me. He just insisted that I go to Ben's and he would fill me in."

"And you listened to him?"

"For once, yes. He sounded too serious to argue with so I just let it go and went to Ben's. He told me about what happened and a few hours later Eiri came back and filled us in on your condition and filled in the gaps of Ben's explanation."

Shuichi closed his eyes and sighed quietly. Filling in the gaps meant filling Tatsuha in on the situation between himself and Yuki.

"And, yes, he told me about that, too."

Shuichi's eyes flew open and he looked at Tatsuha in confusion. "Wh-what?...why are…-"

"Why am I here?"

Shuichi sat up in the uncomfortable bed and nodded. He thought that if Tatsuha had ever found out about him and Yuki, he would leave, but here he was. Sitting next to him and he even kissed him.

"Well, I was going to come here right once I found out, but that was only because I was ready to snap your neck in two. I think my exact words to Eiri were 'He'll be wishing you never found him once I'm done with him,' but he convinced me not to come. He told me to stay at Ben's for the next couple of days or at least until the kitchen was cleaned and everything was back to normal. And, again, I listened and thought. Well, actually, Ben did the thinking and I did the staring disbelievingly at air thing while he tried to get me to understand."

"You still didn't answer the question," Shuichi said and stared at the light blue hospital bed comforter. The hospital, instead of letting him leave the next day, had insisted to keep him under surveillance for at least ninety-six hours.

Tatsuha put a hand over Shuichi's, which was absentmindedly smoothing out invisible wrinkles, and used the other to make Shuichi look him in the eye. "I came back because I love you, and I think you love me too. If you don't, why did you carve that word into your arm?"

Shuichi's eyes grew wide as he realized what was hidden under the bandages of his left arm, but then closed as he got a headache from trying to remember what else had happened. "What word?" he muttered when he felt well enough to open his eyes again.

"What do you mean 'what word'?" Tatsuha asked in disbelief. "You don't remember?"

Shuichi shook his head and frowned as he thought. "No. The last thing I remember is…talking to you on the phone. That's it. I think I remember hearing Yuki's voice after talking to you, which I probably did, but it's all foggy. I don't remember what I was doing while I was talking to you, though."

"The doctors said that your memory was fuzzy but I didn't think I would be this bad," Tatsuha muttered and sighed, dropping the hand he had underneath Shuichi's chin. "It was masochist, Shuichi. I don't know why you chose that word exactly, and I don't know which one of us makes you think you're a masochist. I also don't think that you even know which one of us you were thinking of when you did it, but…I dunno. I'm so lost right now, Shu," he said and leaned his head back, letting tears fall freely down his face. "I don't know why you slit your wrists but I want to help you. I don't want to lose you, Shuichi."

Shuichi watched helplessly as his normally calm, cool, and collected boyfriend cried freely. He knew that Tatsuha had been doing that more and more lately and remembered how bitchy he had been and it made him feel guilty.

Without thinking, Shuichi jumped forward and wrapped his arms around Tatsuha's neck. He wanted to cry, but he couldn't. He was literally unable to cry. He didn't know why, but it scared him all the same. He, Shuichi, the once eighteen year old boy who bawled his eyes out at least once a day, now couldn't even bring a tear to his eye. He couldn't even make himself fake cry, no matter how he tried. He wanted to cry so badly because then he would know that he could feel something besides the intense hatred for himself inside his heart.

"Aishiteru, Tatsuha," he muttered truthfully.

Tatsuha's tears stopped abruptly as he slowly pulled Shuichi back to arm's length. In the now four months that they had been together, Shuichi had never told him that he loved him. He just said "I know" or "Goodnight, Tatsuha" whenever he said the words. He watched as Shuichi flashed a little smile and then pulled him into a tight hug.

"I love you, too, Shuichi," Tatsuha sobbed and gripped Shuichi as tight as he could.

Shuichi hugged Tatsuha back, remembering how he had longed for Yuki to say those words to him. It had been a long painful experience and the longer the boy he had been had gone without hearing those words, the colder he had become. It was hard to believe that Yuki was the cause of his transformation from the genki teenager he used to be to the angsty twenty-two year old he was today.

They pulled apart a few minutes later, Tatsuha placing a small kiss on Shuichi's lips before he stood up and headed for the door. "I think someone else wants to talk to you. He came while you were sleeping, but I really don't think that it helped him much," he said and disappeared.

It wasn't until he had sent Hiro into the room to visit his friend and sat down in one of the uncomfortable waiting room chairs that Tatsuha finally realized that there hadn't been anything behind that smile Shuichi had given him. It had been completely devoid of feeling, of emotion, of…anything. That sparkle he had still carried in his eyes was gone, that unwavering happiness he had had for his life and everyone in it, although it would kill him to admit that to anyone, had vanished.

That revelation being one to many for him to handle over the past two days, Tatsuha ran out of the hospital and to his truck. He didn't want to leave Shuichi, but he had already missed a day of school and he desperately needed some time to think about what he wanted to happen next in his own story.

-------------

The next person to enter Shuichi's room was the last one that he expected to see for sometime. Not that they weren't friends or anything, he just thought that the brunette would have other things to do. But, judging by the serious expression on the normally cheerful man's face, he figured that he should have known better.

Ryuichi Sakuma crossed the room and sat down on the edge of the bed beside Shuichi, not taking his eyes off the sick man the entire time. Shuichi stared at his idol at a loss of words. The look on the man-child's face was disturbing. It shouldn't be there. Just another thing added to the list of things to blame himself for.

"Ryuichi,…I…what're you doing here?" Shuichi stuttered.

"I'm your friend, aren't I? I came to visit you and make sure you were okay," he said, still with the serious expression.

"Well, I'm alive, aren't I? I guess that's as okay as I'm gonna get for now," Shuichi dryly and looked away from Ryuichi. "And will you stop looking at me like that?"

"Like what, Shuichi? Like I care about you? Like I'm worried about you? Like I'm scared for you? I'm all of those things and more so don't tell me that I shouldn't look at you like this? Were you expecting me to come in here and act like a child and act like I know nothing about what happened? You attempted suicide, Shuichi, it's not something that should be taken lightly," Ryuichi said in all seriousness.

"I never said that it was," Shuichi said and lost himself in the snow that was falling lightly outside his window. It was amazing how the beautiful white ice seemed to perfectly reflect his not-so-beautiful personality: desolate, sterile, cold.

"Look at me, Shuichi," Ryuichi said and up a hand under Shuichi's chin so he could turn his head. "I know that you feel alone and that no one else can possibly understand what you're going through, but it's not true. We're all here for you and more of us than you think know exactly what you're going through. It's hard, I know, but you can't lose hope. Shuichi, how are the rest of us supposed to keep up our hopes of you of all people can't?"

Shuichi's eyes widened slightly at the proclamation, but he did his best to try and hide it. "Yeah, like any of you possibly knows what it feels like to want to die," he said and rolled his eyes.

"What about Ben, huh?" Ryuichi asked, smirking slightly when Shuichi sighed. "Yeah, he knows exactly what you're going through. And he's not the only one."

"Yeah, if you're telling me that you know what it's like to want to jump off the top story of a building, you're lying."

"I'm not, Shuichi. I lost my family when I was teenager. My mother, my father, my little sister, all of them died when a fire burned down our house. The only reason I'm alive right now is because I was at a friend's house when it happened." Shuichi watched as a tear fell down Ryuichi's face while he retold his painful story for the first time in years.

"I was put in a foster home program for three years. It was horrible. I went from one home to another, all in different parts of Tokyo, but I still attended the same school. Hiding from everyone was the hardest, because I went from one home where I was abused, to another where my 'parents' were always drunk and/or high. I had to hide the bruises, hide the smells of alcohol and marijuana. I even got busted once at school because my 'mom' decided to hide the pot from my 'dad' in my backpack.

"I hated it. I thought that I was the reason that my family died because I was still alive. If only I had just forgotten about asking to go to Touma's house, I would be dead along with my family. I was moved to another foster home and my 'father' was a perfectionist. If I got a B he beat me until I got it up to an A. My self-esteem and self-confidence were so low, Shuichi. He slowly turned me into a perfectionist. Nothing I ever did pleased me; I began cutting myself to punish my body for being so scrawny.

"That's when the nightmares started. They were of my family, burned and charred, telling me that they blamed me for it all. I wasn't good enough and never would be. A friend of mine accidentally introduced me to Oxycodon. It was a miracle drug. You think ibuprofen takes your pain away? It was nothing compared to this shit. All of my pain, physical and emotional, disappeared in a matter of ten minutes for about three or four hours. It was amazing because I felt like I was free.

"Social services soon found out about the abuse and I was moved to another home a few months later, but by then the damage was done. I was a perfectionist and was already in the mid-stages of addiction to the Oxycodon and when the full addiction came, it came hard. One day in December, two years after this all happened, I overdosed and slit my wrists. My older 'sister' and her boyfriend found me in the bathroom and called the police. It's a pity because I think that that was the first home that I felt safe and comfortable in, but I was in too much pain at that time to realize it. I still talk to that family, too. I bet you can't guess who my 'sister' was, though."

Shuichi sat wide-eyed with his hands over his mouth as he listened to Ryuichi's story. He had no idea that his idol had gone through so much. "Possibly Noriko?" he asked out of morbid curiosity through his hands. He strangely wanted to hear more.

"Right on," Ryuichi said and gave him a thumbs up. "I still don't think that's she's completely forgiven me for that, but she helped me feel loved and part of a family again. Both she and Touma helped, and through rehab and counseling I got over the drug addiction and cutting. I was diagnosed with alexithymia and put on anti-depressants, the doctor's favorite drug to give patients when they don't know what else to do with them. It was a long, hard process, but they also introduced me to something that I love more than life itself."

"Music," Shuichi muttered and Ryuichi nodded.

"Yup. Nori-chan heard me singing along with the radio one day and managed to convince me to sing in front of Touma. They both had played the keyboard in the school's band since only God knows when and they were both very good at it. Soon after, Noriko and Touma both pleaded with me to join them in a band, and in the end I agreed. And so…Nittle Grasper was formed. Music and my friends saved my life."

Shuichi still stared with wide-eyes as Ryuichi wrapped up his story. He would have cried if he could, but his tear ducts still seemed to be malfunctioning. Slowly, he lowered his hands and put a hand over Ryuichi's as he dried his face. "If it saved your life, why do you still hide?"

A small smile briefly flashed across Ryuichi's features as he wiped away the rest of the tears. "I don't know about you, but I like man-child Ryuichi a lot more than this Ryuichi," he said. "He's more lovable."

"But he's not who you are."

"He's who I was for three years," Ryuichi muttered, "and it's hard to get rid of someone that you were for that long of a time."

Shuichi nodded in understanding and watched as Ryuichi stood up from the bed. "I pray for you, Shuichi, but until you can talk I don't know how else I can help you. Just remember that Tatsuha, Ben, and I are here when you're ready. I think that someone else will be there, too, they just need to talk to you first," he said and left Shuichi alone to wait for the next surprise guest.

-------------

Hiro Nakano, Shuichi's best friend and, lately, worst enemy walked silently into the hospital room and closed the door behind him. Shuichi was still confused from his last visit, but quickly realized that the auburn-haired man's eyes were puffy and bloodshot from what looked to be a whole night of crying. Had he come in to talk to him while he was sleeping, too? He remembered hearing voices while he was sleeping, but he couldn't recall hearing Hiro's or Ryuichi's.

The long haired guitarist crossed the room, grabbing one of the chairs on his way, and sat down next to the bed. He was, just to put it nicely, a wreck. His eyes were the least of the man's worry. Purple bags hung under his eyes from sitting in the hospital without sleep since he found out about Shuichi's…um…situation, his hair was a mess and tied back away from his face in a messy ponytail, and he smelled like antiseptics although he was clean. When he spoke, Shuichi heard his voice crack and waver as if he had a very bad sore throat.

"I'm so sorry, Shuichi. It's all my fault!" he said and broke down, burying his head in his arms on the edge of the bed as he let the sobs take him over. "If I hadn't of…I'm sorry!"

Shuichi, still speechless, laid a hand on his friend's arm and smiled an emotionless smile when Hiro picked his head up. "It's not your fault, Hiro," he said and brushed a few stray locks of hair back behind Hiro's ear. "It's no one's fault but my own."

"No!" Hiro muttered. "If I hadn't of been such a heartless bastard that day you would be perfectly fine. Tatsuha told me about your panic attacks at night. He said that they started after our fight. I'm sorry."

"Again, it's not your fault. The panic attacks also started after I slept with Yuki that first night, so don't blame yourself," Shuichi smiled again and Hiro shivered slightly at the lack of anything behind it.

This isn't right! This isn't Shuichi! Shuichi always has some kind of feeling, whether it's anger or happiness, but there's nothing. Not in his smile, not in his eyes, not in his voice. This wrong! Hiro thought and couldn't stop a tear from falling down his face.

Shuichi gently wiped the tear away and put his hands in his lap, looking eerily as if he were dead. It scared Hiro and he gasped quietly when Shuichi turned his emotionless eyes on him. "So, what's going on with the tour? I know that K can't be too happy with the time I chose to slit my wrists. Our first concert was supposed to be…yesterday, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, and you're right. K said that he would be more than happy to fly over here and put a bullet in your head for you if you wanted to die that badly, but Ben managed to convince him to stay," Hiro said with little to no humor. "I told him the same thing that I told Tatsuha when he said that you'd be wishing that Yuki-san hadn't of found you. It wasn't funny."

"Have a sense of humor, Hiro. You know how horrible K's aim is anyway, so it really wouldn't have mattered," Shuichi said and just let it go. "How is everyone, by the way? I hope Ben and Alexis' trip was good."

"Ben said that their trip was fine until he found out that his best friend almost killed himself and he wasn't here to see you. He is torn to pieces, Shuichi. I think we all are."
Shuichi sighed and lay back on the bed. "Well guess what. To everyone's joy but my own, I'm still alive and will be able to continue the tour when the fucking doctors think I'm able," he said and rubbed at the bandages around his wrists in annoyance.

"That's not funny, Shuichi," Hiro said, his eyes widening in disbelief at his friend's cold words.

"Well it's the truth, isn't it?" Shuichi whispered, his voice escalating with every word as he continued. "I wanted to die, Hiro. But, no, Yuki had to come and come save the day and keep me alive. And for what? So I can be K's bitch and make music because I can't stop or he'll threaten to kill me? Oh, what a grand life I have!"

Hiro stood up from the chair and moved away in disbelief. "I have to go," he managed to say through tears and he left the room, hearing Shuichi's yells of rage follow him out.

-------------

It had happened in a blur. The doctors had rushed into room number 501 and administered tranquilizers into the raging man's body to get him to calm down. It was sad, really; watching a once happy teenager without a care in the world slowly change into this uncaring person.

He was anything but raging now, however. He now lay peacefully in the bed, his raven hair spilled loosely on the pillow around his head and amethyst eyes closed in a peaceful slumber. Or was it peaceful? The brunette man now watching him swore that he saw winces of pain and/or fear flash randomly across the beautiful face as he slept.

Reaching out gingerly, the brunette man brushed a lock of the raven hair away from the man's forehead and sat down in the chair next to the bed. The lack of talking was eerie, and the silence was filled with the beeping of the various machines situated throughout the room. The man watched as the green lines of the heart monitor jumped up and down, doing a morbid dance across the black screen.

He wiped a tear from a blue eye and began spilling his soul to the sleeping man. He knew that he couldn't hear him, but it made him feel better just to get it out. All of the secrets, the lies, the happiness, the pain, the… So many things he had to admit to the man and so little time he had to admit them. He went on and on for at least two hours, not once leaving the man's side. Talking until his voice was almost hoarse.

I'm starting to sound just like you used to, you annoying brat, the man thought and smiled slightly.

The sleeping man stirred slightly and the brunette watched as his eye lids fluttered open. The dull and empty amethyst eyes landed on his face, and the raven-haired man smiled apathetically.

"And Superman saves the day again," Shuichi said with an emotionless laugh.

"What do you mean?" Yuki's eyes widened at the lack of emotion in the raven-haired man's voice.

"I mean, that you had to come and save the day instead of letting me die. Why'd you have to find me and bring me here?"

"Because it's what any normal halfway decent person would do. What did you want me to do? Let you lie there and die? You're too important to all of us for someone to just let you die."

"Sure, whatever. Well guess what, Eiri. You just managed to fuck my so-called important life up even more. Thanks so much for the consideration, you asshole."

"I'm not going to argue with you, Shuichi."

"Then don't, Eiri," Shuichi said and rolled over onto his side to face the wall.

An uncomfortable silence lingered in the air between them as Yuki stared at Shuichi's back in a sort of morbid awe.

He's so angry. Am I really the cause of it? Is it really me that drove him to lengths of suicide not once, but twice?

Yuki frowned in concern and stood up to pace the room. He wanted to make sure that he thought out what he was getting ready to say so he wouldn't piss Shuichi off even more.

"What am I supposed to say, Shuichi? I'm sorry for saving your life instead of leaving you to bleed to death on your kitchen floor? Do you want me to tell you that I wish that you were dead so my life would go back to normal? Well, I'm sorry, Shuichi. You're expecting too much if you want that."

"No," Shuichi said and sat up to face Yuki again. "Just tell me why in the hell you were there in the first place? I had just left your house, Eiri. You can't tell me that you got that lonely in that short amount of time. What? Were your 'Shuichi-senses' tingling or something, Superman?"

Yuki rolled his eyes and walked toward the door. "No. I went to return this," he said and tossed Shuichi his necklace. "I don't need it anymore." And he left Shuichi alone to stare.

-------------

Shuichi awoke with a start but didn't get up; he didn't feel the need to. He had been released from the hospital the next day with orders to rest and instructions to Tatsuha and the others to not be left alone. Counseling had been scheduled with Doctor Ezra Grather and he was inconveniently put on anti-depressants. Tatsuha hadn't left his side since, and at least once a day one of the others came to visit him.

It was rather annoying, always having the man around, but it somehow made Shuichi feel better at the same time. When he was with Tatsuha he didn't feel quite as cold as he did around others, and feeling something was a hell of a lot better than feeling nothing. At times, although it wasn't very often, he could say that he even felt at peace with himself. Even if he wasn't at peace, however, he didn't feel the need to end his own life anymore either. There wasn't even enough will for that left in his body.

He and the band had a meeting later on today to discuss what was going to happen with in America. For now, the tour had been temporarily postponed until further notice. He knew that at least one of the others was going to suggest that they cancel the tour completely, and they would do it while glancing nervously at Shuichi the entire time. He thought that Suguru would be the one to do so, but Sakano would too. Too bad Ben was still in America and couldn't join in the fight.

A yawn rose from the bed next to him, and Shuichi felt the bed shift as Tatsuha sat up.

"'Morning," Tatsuha said and kissed Shuichi lightly on the cheek before swinging his legs over the edge of the bed.

Shuichi acknowledged the greeting in his mind, but showed no sign of it on his face. He didn't move, didn't talk, didn't do anything.

Tatsuha stood up and walked toward their bathroom. Shuichi yawned and stretched, but still didn't get up. He rolled over and glanced at the numbers of the alarm block on his bed stand. It was nine-thirty and he still had an hour and a half until he had to go meet Hiro, Suguru, and Sakano.

Looking forward to at least another half an hour of sleep, Shuichi rolled over and pulled the blankets over his head to block out the rays of bright morning sunlight. Somewhere in his mind he heard the water in the shower shut off and, a few minutes later, the bathroom door opened.

Shuichi heard Tatsuha sigh and a few seconds later the blankets were thrown back from his body. "Come on, Shuichi, you need to get up."

Shuichi groaned and curled up into the fetal position to get comfortable again.

Tatsuha sighed heavily and reached out to physically pull Shuichi out of the bed. A few memories of him having to pull Shuichi out of bed after Yuki had left resurfaced while he did this. By then, however, he had lost the will to live but had also lost the will to die. Tatsuha prayed to God that it was different this time, even though he knew that it wasn't.

Shuichi fought back for a few seconds, then figured he was going to lose anyway so he quit. Tatsuha pulled him up and led him to the bathroom, it was only then that Shuichi realized that Tatsuha was only in a towel.

"Here, Shu. Get in and take a shower. I'm gonna get dressed and if you're not in the shower by the time I'm done, I'm gonna be pissed," Tatsuha said and left Shuichi alone. Bad idea.

The numbness that had surrounded Shuichi was still there, but, instead of becoming less, it had doubled. He couldn't feel anything inside, it was almost as if Yuki had never found him and he was indeed dead. To rid himself of this feeling, or at least attempt to, Shuichi started the shower and dug around in the back of one of the drawers for one of the razor blades he knew was there. No, he didn't want to kill himself, but he wanted to feel something other than the cold, emptiness. He set the blade on the inside edge of the tub and stripped before stepping under the lukewarm water. He closed his eyes and let the water run down his head for a while before picking up the blade and dragging it across his arm multiple times with no avail. He only felt a dull stinging as the water ran over and entered the open wounds, that was it. He did feel better though.

Shuichi set the blade on the shelf that held the shampoo in the shower and cleaned up. Sometime during this, he heard Tatsuha open the door to make sure he was really in the shower and then close it a few seconds later.

Once he was done, Shuichi turned off the water and climbed out of the tub, bringing the razor with him. He grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist, and then threw the razor blade into the trashcan. Maybe now he might be able to stop, if only for a little while, if he didn't see the blade. But he knew that there were two more blades lurking somewhere in the drawers underneath the sink. Would he still be able to stop knowing that he had back-ups? Did he really want to stop?

Shuichi swiped some liquid bandage over the cuts and left the bathroom, glad to see that Tatsuha was no where to be seen. He crossed the room to his closet and pulled on a navy long sleeve tee-shirt (careful to pull the material loosely around his wrists as they were still tender beneath the bandages) with a grey short sleeve tee-shirt over it and a pair of khaki cargo pants. He rubbed the towel through his hair in a rough drying attempt and then threw it aside before going out to the kitchen.

Hiro was already there to take him to the meeting (he wasn't allowed to drive for the fear that he would purposely wreck) and he smiled heartily when he saw his friend.

"Hey, Shu-chan! How are you feeling?" he asked.

Shuichi ignored him and walked past him to the bottle of Zoloft sitting on the counter.

"Don't worry, Hiro. He doesn't talk to anyone really. Not anymore," Tatsuha said with a frown and turned his sad eyes to Shuichi who was now slipping into his Vans.

The apathetic raven-haired man stood up and pulled on his jacket, waiting silently and patiently for Hiro at the door.

"Bye, Shu," Tatsuha said and kissed him softly. "I'll see you when you get home okay?"

Shuichi nodded slightly and followed Hiro out the door and to his car.

It was a quick and silent ride to the studio, and, in less than ten minutes, they found themselves seated in an office inside NG with Suguru and Sakano.

"Good morning, Shindou, Nakano, Fujisaki. After a few late…um…problems, the tour has so far been postponed until we decide what needs to be done. We are here today to decide whether to cancel the tour or continue as planned," Sakano explained. "Seguchi-san sends his regards and wishes that he could be here, but he had to see Sakuma-san off, as he returns to America today."

"I think we need to cancel," Suguru said almost immediately and with no hesitation. It looked like he was living up to Shuichi's predictions, "or at least postpone it for a couple of months. Shuichi is in no condition to be performing."

"We need to go so he can get away," Hiro argued. "I think we need to continue within the next couple of weeks."

"He is in no condition to sing! He's going to have the bandages on his wrists for the next couple of months, Hiro. How will we explain those?" Suguru yelled.

"K will take care of it like he always does," Hiro said and threw a small glance toward Shuichi.

He wasn't listening to a word that they were saying. He was just sitting there, staring out the window. Not at anything in particular, just at the fridged snow falling lightly on the other side of the glass. It was actually kind of sad. He knew that Suguru was talking bad about him, but he didn't care. He talked bad about himself all the time, after all.

"We still need to go, Suguru," Hiro said. "Performing and Tatsuha are the only things keeping him going, can't you see that? He needs it more than any of us do."

"I know, but if word gets out that the angsty vocalist of Bad Luck attempted suicide, how do you think the fans'll react? We may not even have crowds to perform for."

"If they are true fans of Bad Luck they'll stay. Americans get this more and take things like this a little easier than they do over here. Hell, they even have hundreds of songs about suicide, so I don't think they'll care."

"And what about our Japanese fans? You think they'll be the same?"

"Why do you think K was so quick to cover it up? And in both here and America? Unless he changes his mind and wants to use it as another psycho publicity stunt, no one will know about it but us."

Suguru sighed, but wouldn't accept defeat. He dropped his head and closed his eyes to think. "Well, what if we at least wait until February? Move all of the concerts up a month? It's only a month and it'll give us some time to go over what we really want to do. We all need some time to recover, you know we do. These past few weeks have felt like months, Hiro. It's been hard."

"Fine," Hiro said with a sigh, "but we still have to meet. We need to practice and get better. People are gonna expect us to be good for making them wait a month, and we gotta be more than that."

Sakano finally came in, sick of looking back and forth between Hiro and Suguru, and said, "Good idea, Nakano, but what're we going to do if our vocalist doesn't'\ sing? Or what if he does and just doesn't care? His songs aren't songs without emotion."

"I know," Hiro said and threw another concerned glance in Shuichi's direction, "but we'll think of something. We have to."

"Agreed," Suguru said and stood up. "That was quick. We just wasted half an hour arguing, now what?"

"Well, we need to contact K and Benjamin and tell them of our plans. I think they should both return to Japan, even if it's only for a month," Sakano said.

"I'm afraid that K will have a negative effect on Shuichi, though," said Hiro. "We can't have him waving his guns in our faces like he owns us, anymore. It's not right, never has been."

"I'll make sure to tell him that, but I'm not sure about how well he'll listen," Sakano said with a little edge in his voice. "That man won't be separated his guns without a fight."

"I'm not saying that he needs to be separated from them, he just needs to control it. We're not his…bitches, okay? He's our manager, yeah, but he's not Touma."

"Alright," Sakano said, "and I think that one of you should phone Ben." His gaze lingered on Shuichi a little when he said this. "You're his band mates and I'm sure that he would love to hear from one of you."

"Don't worry, Sakano. I'll do it," Hiro said, resulting in a somewhat angry glance from the producer. "I know who you would like to call Ben, but, if you haven't noticed, he hasn't opened his mouth or ears since we got here. I don't think that he's planning on talking anytime soon, either."

Sakano sighed and shook his head. "And how do you plan on convincing him to sing if he won't even talk?"

"Me and Tatsuha'll work our magic. Don't worry about it."

"No worrying is the last thing I'm going to be able to do," Sakano said and sighed heavily, "but I'll try."

"Thank you," Hiro said and glanced at Suguru who had gone strangely quiet. "And thanks to you too, Fujisaki."

Suguru just smiled idly and turned back to Sakano who had just stood up.

"I think that's all for today," he said. "I think that we should meet once Ben and K are back and safe and decide on what to do from here. And, yes, I will make sure to tell K that he needs to be a bit more conservative with the gun waving." Then he left without another word.

Suguru stood up a few seconds later and grabbed his satchel from the floor, swinging it over his shoulder. "I have to go, too," he said and headed for the door. "I'll see you guys later. Um…I hope you get better soon, Shuichi." Then he too left the room.

Hiro turned to Shuichi and stood up, stretching and wincing as he heard his back pop. It still hurt from sitting in the uncomfortable hospital chairs for two days straight.

"Ready, Shuichi? I bet Tatsuha dying to see you, even though it's only been an hour, but hey," he said and pushed his chair in.

Shuichi didn't even acknowledge Hiro's voice and just kept staring at the snow outside like his friend wasn't even there. Hiro, seeing this, walked up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder, causing Shuichi to jump a few inches out of his seat. He turned his dull eyes onto Hiro and his blank gaze caused a shiver to ripple through Hiro's body.

"Come on, man. Meeting's over, it's time to go," Hiro said softly, sighing a little when Shuichi nodded in apology and acknowledgement.

Together, the two left the office building and it wasn't until then that Hiro noticed that Shuichi kept absentmindedly itching at the bandages around his wrists.

Why's he keep doing that? Hiro wondered. They can't be healing already.

He wanted to say something to him about it, but he figured that Shuichi would just ignore it anyway. They walked to Hiro's car in silence, drove back to Shuichi's building in silence, walked up to Shuichi's floor in silence, entered the apartment in silence…

Living with Ayaka's constant gossiping must have gotten to me because this silence is going to drive me insane! Hiro thought as he followed Shuichi inside.

Tatsuha wasn't there, but left a note to call him when they got back and he'd be home as soon as possible. And, oh, could Hiro please stay and watch Shuichi until he got back? Hiro immediately called Tatsuha's cell phone as Shuichi went to sit on the window sill and stare out the window, again. Hiro shook his head in sadness and told Tatsuha that, yeah, he would be able to stay as long as it wasn't for too late. When he got off the phone with him, Hiro called Ayaka, and then Ben.

"Hey, man. What's up?" he asked

…

"Really? Sweetness. How's Lexie? We miss her at the coffee shop."

…

"That's good. Oh, I wanted to call you and tell you that the tour's gonna be postponed until February."

…

"I know, Suguru wanted to cancel it all together, but we finally agreed on moving it all up a month. It'll give us time to recuperate from everything and get a little more planned."

…

"Yeah, he said that he wants you and K to return here. I'm guessing that NG will pay for the plane tickets."

…

"Yeah."

…

"Shuichi? Well…he's alive, I think. He hasn't talked all day. The only acknowledgements I've seen out of him are two nods."

…

"You just can't picture it unless you see him. It's sad, really sad. I wish I could help, but I know that I can't. He's got an appointment for counseling later this week, though. Maybe that'll help."

…

"Yup. He's on those, too. The doctor put him right on those once he woke up."

…

"They don't seem to be doing too much. You become insanely hyper when you take your pills, but he hasn't changed at all. He's still just as uncaring and blank as he is without them."

…

"Hey, I gotta go 'cause I don't wanna run up their phone bill. I've gotta watch him until Tatsuha gets back."

…

"I don't think he wants to talk. Maybe he'll at least be talking a little by the time you get back. Hopefully."

…

"Okay, well I'll talk to you when you get back, okay?"

…

"Tell Lexie I said hi."

…

"Okay, bye." Hiro hung up and set the phone on the counter before walking out to the living room. "Hey, Shu, ya wanna watch tv?"

Shuichi shook his head and continued staring out the window.

"Aw come on. What can be so interesting out the window?" he asked and kneeled next to him on the floor.

Shuichi sighed and broke contact with the snow to look at Hiro. "A lot if you really pay attention," he said and looked back outside.

"Okay," Hiro said and gave him a little hug before settling himself down on the couch and turning on the television. This was going to be a long month.

TBC…

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: Okay, this was a big 'un. A very long chapter, but Shuichi's still alive! Yeah, he's just a little antisocial and apathetic, but he's alive! I can't wait to start on chapter eight…

Okay, anyone that can catch the symbolism in the part where Yuki is talking to Shuichi gets a cookie. If you catch it, put it in your review and I'll tell you if you were right or not. I didn't catch it until after I wrote it, actually…

And, yeah, the little dots (…) when Hiro is talking to Ben is Ben's part of the convo but you can't hear him because it's over the phone. I know that I normally type both sides of the conversation, but I wanted to do something different this time. I think I like this better 'cause it kinda leaves ya wonderin' a little. And, sorry to those of you that didn't like Ryuichi's past. I wanted him to relate to Shuichi somehow, and that's just what happened to float into my semi-disturbed brain while I was sitting here typing. It's not bad, just…sad…

Anywho, thanks so much to: GravityNeko, subzero13, KittyInTheBox, Guren, kriziamoon, clueless97, Darkness Flames, and tangerine-asuka for reviewing last chapter. Also, thanks to Shuichi-404, mariklover12, and Guren for reviewing "The Way to a Man's Heart"! Just the fact that you take the time and review makes me feel special! Huggles to all of you!...

Until chapter eight…ja!...