AN: Trigger warnings!
Sorry for slow update. Massive thanks for all the reviews and to all the guests who reviewed as well!
Chapter 7:
Idiot, moron, asshole are just a few words that apply to me in this very moment. I Santana Lopez am a complete and utter dumb-ass! I know what to do to help Brittany. Get her to finally open up and become completely vulnerable trusting you to keep her safe and you basically throw yourself at her! What were you thinking? Oh that's right you wasn't thinking about Brittany, you were thinking about yourself as per usual!
I've been internally berating myself for the better part of half an hour. Britt has made no move to come out of my room, not that I would expect her to. I have royally fucked up. I know I should give her space and let her process what just happened but I have this huge overwhelming need to go in there and grovel on my knees begging for her forgiveness. That and I also need to get some clothes for tomorrow.
Inhaling a huge breath and holding on to what little confidence I have left, I slowly approach the door and knock hesitantly. Standing there as the seconds of silence tick by my last remaining bit of confidence starts to dwindle rapidly. Eventually I hear a muffled come in from the other side of the door and with unsteady hands I reach for the handle letting myself into the room.
The room is dimly lit by my nightlight next to my bed and while I wait for my eyes to adjust to the lighting, I try to think of something to say. But my mind just continues to draw a blank. Looking up once my eyes have adjusted I see Britt sat against my headboard holding Daniella close to her chest acting as a shield between us. Her eyes are cold and looking straight through me. My heart twinges painfully at her being so guarded again.
You only have yourself to blame!
"I uhm j-just need to grab some clothes." I tell her shakily.
Receiving no response I carry on my explanation. "I have to leave early in the morning I-"
"You won't be here?" Brittany cuts me off her voice laced with panic.
Looking up our eyes connects and the vice on my heart loosens a little bit when I see the coldness has temporarily vanished. Unfortunately it has been replaced with fear.
"I have to go to work in the morning and sort out some work stuff an-" But she cuts me off before I can finish.
"No, of course you have work, stupid me as if you were going to put your whole life on hold. God I'm such an idiot." Brittany harshly says, and I am a little confused as to who she is talking to.
"Britt, I don't have to go in work, I can call in the morning and rearrange it isn't a big deal, if you need me I'm here no questions asked." I tell her with all the sincerity I possess.
Her eyes bore into me her gaze so fierce I can feel sweat starting to accumulate at my hairline. The look is penetrating straight to my soul. I hate and love that look because it always causes me to… yep here comes the word vomit.
"B I am so, so sorry, I should never have kissed you. It was such a bitch move, shit I'm sorry, fu-…"
I groan out in frustration. I'm completely furious with myself for screwing up my chance to fix things. Then to top it off I'm swearing in front of Daniella.
Awesome job Santana you're on a role tonight.
I silently count to ten before I raise my eyes to see Britt quirking her eyebrow towards me with a ghost of a smile on her face. I breathe out the rest of my frustrations and try again.
"I'm sorry B, it was a completely selfish move and I should never have done it. I promise it will never happen again. You can trust me B, I will do everything I can to make you feel safe I swear it." I tell her.
Britt's face softens after my apology and she just gives me a taste of my own medicine by giving me an exaggerated eye roll.
"Come here you fool." She says, with absolutely no malice in her voice.
Smiling sheepishly I walk over and sit on the left side of my bed near her hip. Hesitantly placing my hand on her leg.
"I really am sorry Britt." I tell her quietly.
"I know San, I'm sorry too."
"Don't be you did nothing wrong, its just I-uh, remember that night when I was so distraught over Finn outing me?" Receiving a nod in response I carry on my explanation. "Well you remember how you comforted me that night?" I ask her.
Silently thanking the darkness of the room so she can't see the blush highlighting my cheeks, as I remember the intense night of tears, kisses and love making that followed the outing. I watch her seeing the realization wash over her face and she smiles at me in return.
"I get it San, its just I guess it scared me. I am just not in that place you know. My heads a mess I can't even look after myself and now I have a baby I'm supposed to look after as well. I just feel so helpless. It's completely overwhelming. I just need my best friend right now. Is that Ok?" She questions me her eyes pleading.
"Yeah, no totally I understand." I reply trying to keep my face emotionless so she can't see the pain her request just caused me.
This isn't about you stop being so selfish damn it!
I need to grow up and put these two people first and do everything I can to make sure they are safe and happy. Even though this has been a crazy couple of days now Britt is back in my life with Daniella too and I will do everything I can to keep it that way.
"I'm just going to grab my clothes and I'll leave you two to get some sleep." I tell Britt and quickly place a barely there kiss goodnight on Daniella's forehead so I don't wake her. I get up slowly but don't get very far thanks to Britt grabbing my arm and pulling me back down with a bounce.
"Could, you maybe uhm…" She stutters out, "nothing, never mind..."
Thankfully Britt isn't the only one with the skill to interpret each others needs without words.
"Scoot over." I tell her softly and slowly lie on my back next to her when she carefully moves over.
Turning my head to the right I watch Britt as she ever so carefully lowers Daniella into her Moses basket. The sight of Britt being so loving and gentle warms my heart. Rolling back over after placing a goodnight kiss or three to her daughter she faces me.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"I am looking at you like this because you are amazing. I'm so proud of you and I am so glad you're here." I tell her my voice full of emotion.
Britt just shakes her head in denial and I can almost physically feel her pain and self loathing radiating from her.
"Its true B, you left, you did what you needed to keep you and Daniella safe. You were truly brave."
She watches me silently as tears start to fill her eyes, her right cheek pulled in slightly a sure sign she is biting the inside to stop the tears from falling. I just wait patiently for her to say something. Everything has to be on her terms now I don't trust myself to take the lead after the disaster that happened earlier.
Britt takes a deep breath before shuffling over towards me laying her head on my shoulder and I automatically wrap my arm around her. Thankfully this isn't crossing any lines we have always been touchy feely friends.
"I was so scared San, when I came round a-after he h-hit me. I was in so much pain and I couldn't believe he actually knocked me out. He took me to the emergency room but he wouldn't leave my side and didn't let me speak to anyone. He did all the talking telling the doctor that I walked into the door when he was opening it. I could tell the doctor wasn't buying the story but I couldn't tell him anything because Joel was squeezing my hand so tight, I was terrified of what he would do. Plus where could I have gone, I had no money he lived with me and he was the only person I knew. Plus what if he was right San what if nobody would want me. I couldn't shake that self doubt it was constantly there in the back of my mind this little niggling voice telling me this is what I deserved. This was the best I could do." She tells me her voice back to being void of any emotion.
I just pull her closer and place a kiss on her hairline. Silently urging her to continue.
"So it turns out I had a minor concussion and a broken cheekbone, but luckily it wasn't a bad break so I didn't need any surgery. The doctor discharged me with some painkillers and I knew time was running out for me to say something, anything. The doctor went to leave the treatment room but I called him back quickly avoiding eye contact with Joel and I was going to tell him I was so close but Joel cut me off, he told the doctor thanks and grabbed my hand dragging me out of the door before I could say anymore. I wish I was brave then, but I wasn't the fear consumed me." Brittany tells me her voice breaking slightly. "Oh god San I wish I didn't even try because Joel could see what I was going to say and he got so mad when we got back to the apartment…" She trails off.
"Tell me B." I encourage her even though it is the last thing i want her to do.
"First he took his anger out on the apartment he started throwing stuff around and breaking things while screaming at me for trying to leave him. He told me I am never going to leave him and if I ever did try again uh-uhm h-he would k-kill me."
I momentarily freeze.
He said what!?
"It gets worse because once he had nothing left to break in the apartment he turned to me and I didn't even recognize him anymore his eyes were completely empty. I was terrified but my feet wouldn't move. The next thing he said to me was that when he was finished with me nobody would ever want me again." She whispers out.
What the fuck did he do?
I can feel the bile rising up in my throat, I couldn't imagine it getting any worse but yet again I was wrong. So very wrong. But Britt doesn't continue speaking she pulls away from me and I look at her confused. But then my blood runs cold as she lifts her top to just beneath her bra without breaking eye contact with me. I break contact and look at her stomach the next thing I know is I am jumping off the bed and running to the toilet in the en suite as quick as I can, where I empty the entire contents of my stomach.
The image of Britt's beautiful stomach marred with dozens of scars keeps replaying over and over in my mind. That image is something i don't think i will ever be able to forget. I continue retching for a few minutes and struggle to force that image temporarily to the back of my mind. A few seconds later I feel a soft hand rubbing my back while the other is holding my hair back.
"I'm sorry San, I am so sorry. I shouldn't have shown you. I am disgusting I know."
Once I finally stop retching I stand up quickly ignoring my sudden head rush and pull Britt into me giving her the fiercest hug I have ever given.
"There is absolutely nothing disgusting about you, every part of you inside and out is beautiful." I whisper into her hair.
Britt holds me back just as tight. I pull away and give her a soft smile before quickly grabbing my toothbrush and giving my mouth a quick clean. Brittany just stands there patiently waiting with her arms wrapped around herself.
"Come on lets go lay down some more." I tell her and reach out for her hand leading her back to the bed.
We both automatically return to our previous positions before my weak stomach interrupted us.
"I don't know about you B, but I think we should take a break and get some sleep. Tonight has been exhausting." I tell her while I look at the clock on the nightstand and let out a groan when I seen its 4am.
"Will you sleep in here?" Britt asks while tightening her grip on my top.
"Of course, but one last thing B… I know you trust me and I am so grateful you feel able to talk open up about this with me. But I think you might need to talk to someone else like a professional maybe. They might be able to help you more because I don't know how much help I can be." I tell her hesitantly and hold her tighter to me afraid I might have pushed her too far too quick.
"You do help San so much." Britt is quick to reassure me. "But I don't know if I want somebody else to know how stupid I am."
"There is no pressure take your time. But you're not stupid Britt you were scared it's completely different. You were in a situation where you had no control, no power and you did what you had to do to survive." I tell her confidently.
There is no doubt in my mind that she isn't stupid and I will reassure her about that as many times as needs be until she starts to believe it. First thing tomorrow I am going to search for a decent therapist so I am as prepared as possible.
"San..."
I hum in acknowledgement.
"Did you mean it when you said you can reschedule tomorrow and stay home?" Britt meekly asks me.
"Of course Britt I will call work tomorrow and reschedule its no big deal and I will tell Rachel I'm busy with work or something."
Britt freezes at the mention of Rachel and pulls herself up looking at me with fear filled eyes.
"Shit, I didn't realise you were still in contact with people from Glee club. Does she know I'm here, nobody can know San, he will find me, shit, shit, shit." She rushes out.
"B stop!" I tell her firmly breaking her from her ramblings. "I haven't told anyone and I wouldn't tell anyone anything OK, it isn't my story to tell. I would never put you in danger like that. But what makes you think he would be able to find you?" I ask her trying to keep the fear out of my own voice.
I don't know what I would do if he ever found Britt and Daniella. What if I wasn't there to protect her? This is so much more serious than I had originally anticipated.
"He controlled everything San who I could and couldn't speak to, my phone, Facebook, everything. He knows all about my friends from Glee club, you my family and I am scared he will start contacting them to find me."
"Not that I'm not thankful you came here, but what makes you think he won't contact me then?"
"Because I knew you would never give my whereabouts to anyone you didn't know and you are the only person I feel protected with." She tells me with confidence.
"Damn right you're safe here, but if that's the case B shouldn't we be warning your other friends about him?"
"I don't know San I don't want them to know or see what I've become."
"Firstly we don't have to explain to them or give them any specifics. But we can talk about it more tomorrow OK, we can talk about everything more tomorrow. Secondly all you have become is a beautiful mother." I tell her slowly as sleep tries to take me under.
"Hey, San?"
"Yeah B?" I tell her on the brink of sleep.
"I'm super proud of you too you know. Your songs are awesome. I always knew you'd make it." She tells me and snuggles closer till we both drift of into a worry filled sleep.
AN: Hope this wasn't too graphic or upsetting for anybody.
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