CHAPTER #7: singing feelings & journal entrys
bella pov:
-3 days later-
I sat up lookeing around edwards room. Everone thought i was sleeping ,it was after all only 4am. I dint hear anybody around. My chest began to have a dull ache just a reminder of what i felt when edward had left me. But he was here now. I stood from the leather couch going to edwards bookshelf grabbing my batterd journal that was hidden.
I flipped through the pages looking for a blank page to wright on. When i came across a song i had written, as i read every line tears fell down my eyes. so i started to sing....
Edwards pov:
I was down stairs paceing. Carlisle said bella needed time alone.I wasnt convinced it was safe for her to be alone so carlisle had installed a camra in my room that connected to his office. (Which someone watched at all times)right now esme was watching it. I was walking to the pace of my bella's sweet heartbeat. But it became quicker. Something noticed by all the family. We dint want another bathroom incident so we all quitley raced to carlisles office. Looking at the small computer screen that now showed my bella. She was sitting up on my couch looking at some batterd book i had never running down her face i went to run out but esme placed her hand on my shoulder. Its her journal esme . I had known about those. At that point i was very curiese as to what my bella could have written.
My thoughts were interupted as bella spoke to herself in a wisper. "to my darleing edward..." it was dated a year and a half ago " my life without you" she continued and then we all gasped as she started to sing in the most beautifull voice...
missery is what i feel when your not around so i cant heal
missery is what i feel its what i feel.
when i touch you, can you feel it? when i need you, can you give it?
when i look in your eyes can you see me?
when i fall fall will you catch me, catch me, catch meeee?
missery is what i feel when your not around so i cant heal missery is what i feel is what i feeel
missery...
her singing was cut off by her crying, I couldnt controll it anymore i had to go see her. I ran from the office going to my room. I lightly tapped on the door. I heard her slight intake of breath. "y..yes?" she called out scared. "Bella its me edward do you mind if i come in?" i asked gently. "Its your room" she chuckled. I opened the door as she stashed the batterd book behind her. I needed to see that book. It would give more of a reasen to kill that stupid fucking mutt. I needed to know how much more my love had hurt,so my heart could ache with her.
"As of right now its yours" i said to her. She smiled shakeing her head. "I hate inconvienincing you guys" she wimperd, i heard a hiss from carlisles office and thoughts hitting me like brick. poor thing she is so down how can we make her feel more at home here -esme- dude is she jokeing things are always more fun with her around -emmett- stupid ass tell her she belongs here -rosalie- (i rolled my eyes)
I looked over at bella who now had fresh tears running from her eyes. What did i do? Rosalie asked the same thing in her head. I dint know weather to grab bella and wrap her in my arms or what to do. "Um...bella are you ok love" i asked. she sobbed harder. "A little help rose" i said at vampire speed. I heard rose come from carlisles office and walk in the door. Bella looked up an smiled slightly.
I got up to walk out bella ignored my departure. I wanted to cry myself. I dint know if i should see whats going on or if mabe i should go hunt. But i needed to know what was wrong with my true love. come son its fine carlisle thought from his office. So i slowly walked to his office oppening the door i noticed everyone else was gone. I looked at carlisle slightly confussed. "They left to give bella a little privacy" he said gestering to the chair beside him. I sat and we both focussed on what was going on with bella and rose.
bellas pov:
Rose was sitting beside me. I dint have the strengh to talk i just cryed. I trusted rose did i not? I looked at her she smiled at me in encoragement. "He hurt me so bad" i said. "Dont worry it wont happen again" rose assured. She thought i was talking about jake? "Edward i mean." I said to her. She looked at me confussed. We heard a load sob come from somewhere in the house. It was edward. I hated hurting him but damn it he did do this and i need to get it off my chest. Rose waited for me to continue. "In some ways i think he hurt me worse then jake" i wisperd. Edwards sobs continued followed by a light thud. .
Could i continue hurting him with my words was it worth getting this off my chest? I asked myself. "Its ok" rose said to me soothingly. "You need to talk about it" I nodded slightly she was right. " You know i used to write about you guys everyday. I even had a song i dedicated to each of you" I told her. Her eyebrows raised at that. "like what" she asked. I smiled slightly. "You dont want to know ,you would laugh at me." I told her seiriesly. She looked kind of mad by my conclussion. "Bella" She said grabbing my chin makeing me slightly flinch. "I would never laugh at you" She let me go an gave me a gentle hug. I hugged her back it was good to feel this cold touch once more. "Well" i started with a weak smile. " for edward i did. My immortal by evanessence." She nodded she knew what i was talking about. "Edwards never heard that song" she said gently. "Oh" was all i could reply. What else could i say the name should say it all. He is my immortal. Or at least i want him to be mine. "Does edward still want me?" I asked she looked dumbstruck. Shakeing her head "of course cant you see that?" she asked. I shook my head and heard the sob again. I dint want to continue. "Its good for him to know this stuff" she told me rubbing her hand down the lengh of my hair. Tears ran down again. She gently wiped them away. "Thanks" i told her she smiled in return. "No i mean thanks for everything" i clarified, she looked confussed so i continued. "You guys dint have to save me you could have went on with your life but i...i messed up everything its all my falt i make everyone so unhappy." I was sobbing hysterically by the time i was finished. She held me a bit tighter. "So" she said trying to change the subject. "What song did i get" I chuckled nervousely. "Um well" i started " its ok" rose said. I looked down at my hands. "Im a bitch by meridith brooks" her eyebrows went up. I heard laughing and emmett alice and the rest came through the door all laughing except for edward who looked like a burning man. I smiled slightly when i saw rose laughing along. "That is so true" Emmett laughed. Earning him a pellow to the face. "what about me?" Jasper asked shyley. Alice bursted with laughter knowing what i would pick. "Why in heavens name did you pick that" she said through laughter. Everyone was looking between me and alice confussed. jasper smiled at me waiting like the rest "Well you remind me of a major country boy" i said shyley "I am" jasper said in a southern accent. Alice laughed again clutching her sides. "Jasper she went toooo country" She said. Everyone looked at me impatiently, even edward looked mildly curies. Then he chuckled as he heard the answer in alices head "nice" he mutterd.
"WHAT?!" emmett yelled. "amish paradise by wierd al" i stated. Everyone laughed louder then before even edward chuckled at jaspers shocked face. Alice had fallen to the floor laughing. And emmett was leaning against the door in hysterics. Glad i amuse them. "what about me?" alice asked but right after she asked she said "awww" She looked like she would cry. She came up and gently hugged me. "You are to sweet" "What?" everyone but alice and edward asked. "True friend by miley cyrus" "awww" everyone started singing it together, soon joined by esme and rosalie. The guys laughed.
edwards pov:
I was sitting upstairs watching rose talk to bella it was breaking my heart the way bella felt but she was right it was all my falt if i had never broke up with her none of this shit would have happend. I dry sobbed. "In some ways i think he hurt me worse then jake" She wisperd. Oh great i was worse then the pathetic mutt that had raped her and beaten her for over two and a half years. I sobbed harder leaning forward falling out of the chair with a light thud when i hit the desk. Carlisle leaned down rubbing soothing circles on my back. "Son would you rather her keep it in?" he asked me i shook my head quiting my sobs. After i had collected myself i looked at the screen bella looked nervouse. she dedicated a song one for each of us rose thought to me. "well" bella said shyley "for edward i did my immortal by evanessence" rose nodded at her. "Whats my immortal?" i asked carlisle ,he shrugged. Rose heard me and looked quickley at the hidden camra smileing slightly. "Edwards never heard that song" she told bella. Mabe if im lucky, with her beautifull voice i might get her to sing it to me. "Oh" she replyed looking shy. Bellas next quistian cought me off gaurd "does he still want me" WHAT?! I grabbed the computer screen trying to talk through it "of course i want you bella how could i not you are perfect you are my sun my moon my world i am notheing without you" I said to the screen silently sobbing. When rosalie asked her if she could tell that i loved her she shook her hed no. I sobbed. My mind went out of focus again carlisle trying to calm me down.
When i came back into focus i saw bellas face streaked with tears it made my heart wretch. "What song did i get?" rose asked trying to change the subject back. Bella made a nervouse sound. "Um well" she said biteing her bottom lip with alot of force. that bad huh? rose thought. I was vagly aware of the others listening to. Rose assured her that it wouldnt bug her anyway. "Im a bitch by meridith brooks." "What?!" carlisle,esme and jasper all said in unision. Wow i thought. Emmett and alice were laughing there asses off, all of us rushing to the door wanting to know our songs. Well i knew mine. I stepped in the door seeing bellas tear stained face up close made me want to scream. "That is so true" Emmett laughed. Rose threw a pellow at his head. Im not a bitch anymore am i edward? rose asked. I shook my head she was right she had really changed. "What about me?" jasper asked her. She was holding out but when she said amish paradise i thought it was kinda well i guese fitting entell i heard emmett sing the words laughing in his head
as i walk through the valley where i harvest my grain
i take a look at my wife and realize shes very plain
but thats just perfect for an amish like me
you know i shun fancy things like electricity
at 4:30 in the morning im milking cows
jebadiah feeds the chicken and jacob plows
fool
an i been milken and plowen so long
that even zekiel thinks that my mind is gone
im a man of the land im into disapline
gotta bible in my hand and a beard on my chin
and if i finish all of my chores and you finish thine
then tonight were gonna party like in 1699.....
That wasnt jasper at all. I wonder so how her mind works. Everyone was laughing hysterically entell alice asked hers. "True friend by miley cyrus" I had heard that song once began singing it with bella. Soon joined by rose an esme. I seperated there voices so i could hear just bella. The guys laughed i chuckled slightly happy that bella was haveing some fun. I just listend....
We sighned our cards and letters bff
you got a million ways to make me laugh
you looken out for me you got my back
its so good to have you around
you know the secrets i could never tell (alice an rose nodd)
and when im quiet, you break through my shell
dont feel the need to do a reveal
couse you keep my feet on the ground
your a trueeee friend your here tell the end
you pull me aside when something aint right
talk to me now and into the night
tell its alright again
your a trueee friend
you dont get angry when i change the plans
somehow your never outa second chances
wont say i told you when im wrong again
im so lucky that i found
(they were now danceing holding hands)
a trueee friend
your here tell the end
you pull me aside when something aint right
talk to me now and into the night tell its alright again
true friends will go to the end of the earth tell they find the things you need
friends will go through the ups and the downs couse they got someone to beee there
a truueee friend
your here tell the end
you pull me aside when something aint right
talk to me now and into the night
no need to pretend
ohhh yer a true friend
your here tell the end
you pull me aside when something aint right
talk with me now and into the night
tell its alright again
your a true friend
your a true friend
your a trueee friendddd.
The girls fell to the couch laughing. My bellas smile made everyone happy. "Feel the love bro" Emmett said to me grabbing me and carlisle into a bear hug. Jasper joined. Makeing carlisle an i fall to the floor. "DOG PILE" Emmett screamed as the girls giggled together on the couch. Emmet jumped on me, i was laying across carlisles middle jasper jumped on top of emmett. "Boys" esme scolded through her giggles. The girls jumped up. Alice grabbed jasper by his pants giveing him a wedgy. He in turn took alice in a gentle headlock. They both were laughing. Next rose grabbed emmett tugging he wouldnt budge so rose depants him. The little pink thong stuck out like a sore thumb. "What the.......?" Bella gasped falling to the floor laughing. I forgot she dint know about this. Emmett jumped up pulling his pants up. I went to bella to help her up she was laughing "pink.....thong.....not....emmett....emma" hahahaha. Emmett glared at rose. Esme helped carlisle up. "Ok boys enough fun." Esme said "breakfast will be ready in a few" she smiled at bella who went and sat on my couch. i got it rose thought to me. "Um alice would you stay with bella for a minute" i asked. "Sure" she squiked jumping onto the couch makeing bella bounce into her. Hugging her.
Me rosalie and carlisle went to his office. He sat to watch bella alice and jasper (esme had went to cook) "Um calrlisle" rose interupted him. He looked up at her. Then looked at me. "I got the journal" she said stiffley. I knew she dint like the idea of invadeing bellas privacy neather did me and carlisle but if it would help. Bella dint know alice couldnt see the wolves we could just tell her thats how we knew it all. "Thank you rosalie" Carlisle said gently as rose handed him the batterd book. "Im going back to bella" rose said and walked out. Carlisle started flipping the pages of the batterd book stopping at may,8 months after we had left.
dear,journal may 22nd, thurseday
I just got back from jakes. I still cant believe he is a werwolf. there is something different about him. But i think im beginning to love him. I dont know i miss edward so much.
i cant betray him. But he told me to be happy. Im so confused. Jake is pushing it though i know he wants it to go farther and i dont want to hurt him. Mabe i could try it. It wont hurt right?well ill wright later...
love bells
carlisle flipped further through the pages landing on the next year june.
dear,journal june,15th, monday
I went and got my ultasound today. Its a girl billy is so happy and jake is happy couse he is. I cant wait to meet my little aly rosemee black. We are getting her room ready for her its all pink and stylish alice would be proud. I miss them so much its been over a year. Im 19 now and pregnant lol i would never have thought that to be me. Im happy liveing with jake and pack seems excited to see the lil pup. lol.
I woke up crying this morning. I love aly alot already but well it hurts to know its not edwards baby. It hurts to know this baby will have black hair and deep brown eyes and tanned skin not pale white with golden eyes and bronze hair.... bye
the end of the page had tears on it. Pregnant? Carlisle looked between me and the bella on screen. "Wheres the baby?" i asked. Lookeing at the screen. Rose looked at the camra. Then to bella "Ill be right back sis" she said patting bellas head wich was layed on alices shoulder. Next thing we knew she was in the room. "What are you guys talking about a baby?" She asked glareing at me and carlisle. "Bella seems to have been pregnant" Carlisle stated. "What?!" she asked running up to him grabbing the journal. She read the page. She looked up hope crossing her features she loved babys. "Wheres she at?" she asked me she named her after me alice and esme you see that she cood in her head , i nodded. "Thats what we would like to know" I told her. "Read more" Rose said.
Two months pages went by with notheing but talk of aly rosemee black. Entell august 22nd. something cought my i read the page in which was coverd in tears.
dear,journal august,22nd, saturday
Billys death hit jake hard .he is a monster. I just got back from the hospital i lost her, i lost my one conection to the cullens the one thing i could say there name to
i was going to tell aly all about my perfect vampire family. But no! Jake had to beat the shit out of me. my stomach feels so wierd being flat. All i have done is sit in my room crying
how could he be so crule ,my baby. He is a fucking monster. She is really gone! They tryed to save her but she had enternall bleeding. They deliverd her by c-section. She was beautifull Her hair wasnt black it was bronze like his. It reminded me of him. But now she is gone. Why does he take everything from me. I dont care about these damn bruises and shit i want my baby back. I want my vampires back. I want to die. mabe ill make use of that box cutter jake just got. I can never forgive him for this.
i have to go jakes bitchen for me to make him dinner. Even know im on damn bedrest. I love you edward i miss you if you were here this wouldnt matter im on birth controll and jake will never know.
R.I.P. ALY ROSEMEE CULLEN. AUG,19TH 11PM- AUG20TH 1AM
-DEAD INSIDE-
i Gasped handing the book to carlisle for him and rose to read. He killed his own baby. He hurt my bella worse then anything. He took her child away, something i could not give her. My thoughts were interupted by rosalies growling. She threw the book across the room and was trying to get out the door carlisle had her around the waist. "Emmett" I yelled. He came through the door in a flash helping carlisle hold rose. what happend emmett asked me. I handed him the journal turning to the page we read. He looked over it and looked beyond pist "that fucking sick basterd ill..." he stopped couse rosalie started struggling almost getting away. "Calm rosalie" Carlisle told her. "He killed her baby!" She yellled. "shhhh bella will hear you" rose quieted "Lets go hunt" emmett said. hunt some fucking dog she snarled. "Keep her close to you" i warned emmett as she stormed out the door. I handed the journal to carlisle i couldnt handle reading anymore.
My love had been round with child. Then i had an idea. "Carlisle is it possible?" I asked him. carlisle looked up at me confussed. "Never mind" i said thinking better of it. And walking out the door to go to my love.
bellas pov:
I heard rose yell she sounded hurt and pist at the same time. I looked up panicked. Alice assured me everything was fine an that rosalie had left to hunt with emmett. "Im going to go check on your breakfast." Alice said getting up and smileing slightly but what was that sad look i could see it in hers an jasper had it. Before i had time to ask edward walked in. Alice took jasper by the hand and walked out. "How are you doin love?" he asked me. I smiled wich he returned but it dint reach his eyes. "Whats the matter with you all?" i asked i knew something was wrong im not stupid. "where fine love dont fret" he said "but.." i started to ubject but he spoke over me. He never does that. He has to many manners he has never intentionally been rude expeciolly to me. "What was that song you dedicated to me...my immortal?" he asked. "How did you know?" i asked he pointed to his ears "vampire hearing" he explained but looked at his cd case at the same time. Ok odd. "Um ya its just a um...song that made me think of you"
He smiled. "well i figured that out considering the name wich by the way i am both" i looked at him slightly confussed. He smiled again explaining. "the song is called my immortal is it not?" i nodded. "Well i am both. i am yours and i am indeed imortal" i smiled at him. He just said he was mine. which did that mean i was his to. "I am yours to" i wisperd shyly. "Thank you love that is all i want." My heart flutterd with happyness."Will you sing it to me?" he asked i looked at him then shook my head biteing my lip. "Its depressing i dedicated it when you left" i saw his face fall for a second but it dint last the encourageing smile reappeared. "Please" he asked i coulnt deny that to him when he dazzled me. "Thats not fair" i told him. "What love" he said with a smile. But i dint answer instead i just started singing the song to him...
im soo tired of being here
suppressed by all my childish fears and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
couse your presence still lengers here
and it wont leave me alone.
these wounds wont seem to heal
this pain is just to real
theres just to much that time cannot erase
when you cryed i wiped away all of your tears
when you scream i fight away all of your fears
an i held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of meeeee
you used to captivate me
my own resinateing life
but now im bound by the life you left behind
your face it hounts, my once pleasent dreams
your voice it chased away
all the sanity in me
these wounds wont seem to heal this pain is just to real
theres just to much that time cannot erase
when you cryed i wipe away all of your tears
when you scream i fight away all of your fears
and i held your hand through all of these years
and you still have all of meee
i tryed so hard to tell myself that your gone
but though your still with me ive been alone all alonggggg.
when you cryed i wipe away all of your tears
when you scream i fight away all of your fears
an i held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of
meeeee ohhhh, meeeee ohhhh,
I lifted my head to look at him. His face was faceing the window. His breathing slow but ragid. "Im sorry" i said dropping my head again. Ashamed. He lifted my chin with his hand i looked into his eyes he dint smile but instead pulled me to him in a gentle hug. I flinched at first he shushed me. Calming me by lightly trailing kisses on my head. I dont know how long we sat like that but alice came in saying a quick "breakfast is ready" and left she looked as if he had been sobbing she looked distrought. What the hell was going on. Edward walked me downstairs to the kitchen where the amazeing smell of fried bacon cheese omlet and hash came to me yumm. I sat at the table and dug in.
edwards pov:
After she sang the song my heart sinking the hole way but when she reached the verse saying 'but now im bound by the life you left behind' it was so true. I heard alice sobbing from her room jasper just wispering soothing words but his thoughts in sync with hers. A baby bella had been killed a part of our family we had never gotten to meet and jacob was going to pay. We just needed time to mourn the new found loss. Without letting bella know. But what if it was possible for her to concieve again....with me? Well i put that thought away for later. It was to needed to heal first. "Breakfast is ready" Alice said a sob in her voice. I couldnt tell if bella heard it but from her worried expression i knew she had seen alices burning face i slightly glared at alice. im sorry edward i really am but if i cant tell her i know i cant be here she thought and walked out. I walked bella downstairs to the smell of some horrid breakfast. Her mood and face lifted when she smellled it. Apparently it smelled deliciose to her. And thats all that matterd. What she liked. Time to make up for lost time.
to all my fans thanks for the r+r. Reviews are like oxegyn i cant live without them. Please i beg of you review good or bad dont matter to me. And thanks for the ideas from my fans keep em comeing. Btw i dont own anything. Just a very twisted imagination and to much time on my hands. stay at home mom ya know.