7. Sky Crew
"You did what?"
Clarke slunk further down the seat, avoiding Bellamy's gaze.
"I just… panicked."
"But you're Clarke," Bellamy said, tilting his head in confusion as he stared across at her from the other side of the seat. "You never panic. Even when - well, you know. You didn't panic then. You got me out, you didn't even stop to think."
A flash of fire lit up Clarke's memory but she shoved it aside. Even the dilemma of Finn and Lexa was easier to think about than that. She picked up her drink and took a sip, shuffling further back in her seat. The bar bustled around them, noisy enough that no one would possibly overhear - but even so, she squirmed inside. She didn't want to talk about this - yet as soon as she'd had one drink down her it had all come tumbling out. She couldn't keep it all inside any longer - and Bellamy was the only person she could trust to not laugh at her. No one else would understand.
"Jaha tried to talk to me about Wells the other day," she said, staring into her drink and swirling it in a small circle. The orange liquid washed up in a wave against the inside of the glass. "I went to see Niylah too. But that's… done."
A blast of music came from the next room over and Bellamy shuffled closer to reply.
"I thought it was simple with her?"
"It was. But now she's seeing someone. She cares about her - I can't mess that up." She had seen the expression on Niylah's face when Marquel phoned. It was the same expression she used to see when Wells looked at her, before everything fell apart there. She lowered her voice. "I just don't know how to do this. With Wells… I grew up with him. I knew I could-" She stopped and shook her head with a snort. "Well, I thought I could trust him. But he-" She set her glass back down with a clunk and pressed her hands into the seat. Her insides tumbled over like a waterfall of mixed emotions, just broken free of a dam. She turned her head away from Bellamy so he wouldn't see the sparkle of tears in her eyes and blinked them back. Between the pair of them, he had far more reason to be crying than she did. "Sorry. You don't want to be talking about this."
"Clarke. Look at me."
Grudgingly she obeyed. His warm brown eyes stared back, but the usual smile on his lips had vanished.
"How do we know when it's okay to start again?" she asked, only half-addressing the question to him. He answered anyway.
"I don't know. I know I can't. Not yet. But you left Wells longer ago than - than Gina." He stumbled over her name, then clenched his jaw and continued. "It's been two years, Clarke. We can't just keep imagining what might have been for the rest of our lives."
"But I don't know how to do any of this. Finn makes me laugh. He makes me forget."
Bellamy finished off his beer, eyes never leaving her. "And this new girl? Lexa?"
"Lexa… she's…" Clarke struggled to find some way to explain her. Bold. Ambitious. Controlling. Beautiful. Even after the few times they had interacted, Clarke couldn't help but feel that Lexa was somehow a mirror of herself. She didn't quite understand why she was drawn to her, but… there was a connection. She couldn't put words to it like she could for the reasons she liked Finn, but even so it was strong. Compelling. She wanted to know her more - if Lexa would even let her near after her reaction at the cafe earlier. "I don't know. I like her. I like both of them."
"Look, Clarke. I don't care if you date Lexa. I don't care if you date Finn, even if I don't like him. I don't care if you date no one. Hell, I don't care if you date Captain Kane or Murphy - but please don't," Bellamy added with a playful nudge to her shoulder, prompting a small smile from Clarke. "I just want you to be happy. You saved more than my life after the accident. You know that, right?"
Clarke shrugged, folding her arms across her front. They didn't talk about that - just like she didn't normally talk about Wells. Apparently tonight was the night for taboo conversations.
"The point is - I'll be behind you whatever stupid choices you make. But please, do what makes you happy. Just… don't make your choices because of your mom or what seems sensible or what I say. Choose because they make you happy."
The seat bounced and Clarke jumped, her knee knocking into the table and almost spilling her drink. Octavia peered over with a grin, half her cocktail glass already empty.
"Why so serious? Your exam's over! It's party time!"
Bellamy grinned back, his serious face hidden away again like it had never been there. He patted Clarke on the shoulder as he rose, buying her a few more moments to bury away her feelings. Somehow this last week had brought to the surface nearly all her old wounds. She was a mess. She had to pull herself together. Tomorrow, she would go back to 12 Trees and apologise for acting like an idiot.
"Suppose I should get another drink then. Clarke, do you want a-"
"She does not want any of your crap beer! Get her something decent!" Octavia shouted, sliding across the seat and slinging an arm over Clarke's shoulders. Her breath stank of alcohol and she beamed at Clarke, oblivious to anything being wrong. Behind the seat stood Lincoln, holding a pepsi. He nodded down at Clarke with a smile then his gaze refocused on Octavia.
"We're going to dance tonight, okay? Dance till dawn. Drink up, forget about it all."
Octavia reached for Clarke's drink and pushed it at her. Clarke took a gulp past the lump in her throat and tried to obey. She had no idea whether Lexa or Finn would make her happier - but for tonight, she would forget about them both.
Clarke spiralled out of the back entrance of the club, staring up at the stars. Her head buzzed and as she spun they morphed together into stripes of light. If she lived up there, among the stars, she would be free. Free and surrounded by beauty.
"Look. Look. They're so pretty!"
She stumbled to a halt and tried not to sway from side to side.
"You should be an astronaut," Octavia said with a giggle, curled up under Lincoln's arm.
"You. Me. Bellamy. All astronauts. The sky crew!" Clarke exclaimed. She had drank so much. So much. She couldn't remember how much. That much.
"You forgot Lincoln! I'm not going without Lincoln."
"I don't want to be an astronaut. I like the ground," Lincoln protested.
Octavia patted his chest. "Lincoln gets seasick. He'd probably get airsick too. Spacesick."
Clarke waved her hand from side to side. That was no excuse. "Everyone gets spacesick."
Bellamy retched loudly to the side and all three of them jumped away from him.
"Bellamy! We do not need a demonstration of spacesick!" Octavia shouted.
"My mom knows an astronaut," Clarke said, tugging out her new phone.
"Watch it, you'll break it again!" Bellamy called from next to the wall, one arm up to support himself.
Clarke shook her head in denial. It took her three attempts to unlock her phone then she swiped through her contacts. The names blurred together, just like the stars had done.
"Are you phoning your mom? You shouldn't do that, Clarke," Octavia said.
She escaped from under Lincoln's arm to reach for the phone but Clarke jumped up onto a crate, holding the phone high. She almost fell off the other side straight away but managed to right herself.
"No! You are not taking my phone and setting its ringtone again!"
Octavia protested loudly but Clarke turned, hitting the green call button. Mom would know how to become an astronaut. Maybe there were less exams. And in space she wouldn't have to worry about who to date.
"Hello?"
Wait. That wasn't mom's voice.
"Huh?"
"Um… hello? Who is this?"
"Who are you?" Clarke asked.
"You called me."
"I did? Oh, yes. I did. You're not my mom. You're… uh." She pulled the phone away from her ear and stared at the screen. A swell of nausea appeared when she read the name. "You're Lexa."
"I know who I am. I also know it's three in the morning. Who is this?"
"It is? Oh. I didn't know. This is Clarke. Did I wake you up?"
There was a long pause before Lexa replied. "Yes."
"Sorry." Clarke turned on the crate to find both Bellamy and Octavia making faces at her, gesturing at her phone. "Uh… I think Bellamy is telling me to put down the phone. I will in a bit." She hopped off the other side of the crate and started walking down the street, glancing up at the stars again and ignoring Bellamy's calls after her. She needed to make this right. She needed to show Lexa she wasn't an idiot. "Have you seen the stars tonight? They're very pretty."
"I… yes. I suppose they are."
"I think if I wasn't a pilot I'd want to be an astronaut."
Lexa didn't reply. Clarke crouched on the ground, reaching for a weed between the cracks in the concrete and pulling it up. She opened her mouth several times to try to apologise, but all the words she came up with sounded jumbled in her head. She glared down at the weed and crumpled it in one hand.
"I… I'm going to go back to sleep now, Clarke."
"Wait! I want to say something." Clarke stood up, frowning across the street as she tried to concentrate. There was something important she had to say. Something sensible. "I'm sorry I ran away. I didn't mean to. I just panicked. And I don't panic normally. You're just confusing. In a good way."
She heard a quiet sigh on the other end of the phone.
"Don't worry, Clarke. You're confusing too."
"In a good way?" She leaned against a wall, pressing a hand against her stomach as the nausea rose up again.
"I'm... not sure yet."
"Can I come back to 12 Trees?"
"If you want to."
Clarke nodded firmly. "I want to."
"Okay. Well. Goodnight Clarke."
"Night Lexa."
The phone beeped as the call ended. Clarke stared down at the screen with a distinct feeling that she had done something she might regret - then promptly vomited all over the floor.