Desire

"To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves."
― Blood Wedding and Yerma

Brrrr.

Brrrr.

Click.

Morning loser. Hope I woke you up!

"Fuuuck..." I groaned out of bed. Not today too. She knew I was a light sleeper, so it was pretty fucking obvious these morning texts were on purpose.

Yes. We exchanged numbers, and since then she'd been sending pointless messages and photos daily. Yesterday she sent me a photo of her pet cat, the day before that it was a potted plant, today I predicted her hair dryer. I rarely replied. Really, there was only so much you could say to things like my cat looks like she's gained weight or I'm making beef stew today. But she still kept on texting me regardless. I'll admit. They became my guilty pleasures. And sometimes I noticed things in her photos, like her green canapé, and a bird cage. To me they were subtle gateways into her life, and a house I hoped to visit one day.

It's not what you think.

I texted her back.

Go tell your boss you just lost him a regular.

Instant reply.

You're such a dick omg.

You know you're treading on dangerous waters when you start grinning stupidly to yourself while reading a text from a woman. It was a first for me. I've never looked forward to texts from girlfriends, friends or even family. And not to sound like a cocky bastard, but I've never had to try very hard for a girl either. But with Petra she was difficult to read. We seemed to be on the same page, but at times she came off as distant, withdrawn. I wasn't afraid of rejection, and asking her out wasn't an issue, but every time I tried to make a move she just seemed to know, and then she'd avoid the topic, and I'd stop myself from asking. We weren't getting anywhere, but she didn't seem to only want to be friends. Honestly I had no fucking clue.

Brrr.

Another text. Did she have nothing better to do? I say that but I'd already opened it. Oh. It was from Erwin.

Gym at 11.

I wasn't really in the mood, but I hadn't gone for three days so I might as well. We still hadn't talked about that day since. I personally didn't care anymore, because whatever he had said was technically right. I was a mess. I had no direction. But now I was trying to fix that. Find myself a reason. Figure out why I was so emotionally void. Soul-searching shit I guess. The previous me would have punched myself for even saying that.

I got out of bed.

As expected, the gym was pretty packed on a Saturday morning. I didn't like that, especially with the collective sweat contaminating every body-building equipment I was planning to use. I made sure to bring my own hand sanitizer, three sets of towels, and body wash. I'd usually take a quick shower here, and another one at home. If it were up to me I wouldn't even be here, in fact I could easily take a small chunk off my inheritance and build my own gym. But I was a grown ass man, and fuck if I ever touched my inheritance and became that rich kid that couldn't do anything for himself.

Also Erwin insisted I get my ass outside. I said he had that power over people. I wasn't lying.

Erwin was already on the treadmill, and I guess he expected me to join him since he was waving at me. I put my shit away in a locker first. It smelt like horse shit in the men's locker room. When I came back he was already sprinting.

We ran in silence, and I wanted it to stay that way. When I worked out, I liked to keep a blank slate. Think of nothing, say nothing, be in my own little world. Feel the tempo of the heart rate as it crescendos. Wait for the aching pain.

"Hey," Erwin broke in.

I guess it was impossible when you were with someone. "What?"

"Can we talk now?"

From the corner of my eye, I saw him turn his head. I tried avoiding the topic. "Don't look at me, you'll fall."

"I won't fall," he said, and I could hear the quick pace of his breathing. "Look, I said some pretty harsh things the other day and I'm sorry. I really was just worried about you."

"You said what you had to."

"I'm being serious here, Levi."

"I know."

"No, you don't get it."

He was acting like a bratty teenager trying to prove his point with schoolyard comebacks. I dragged a sigh.

"Erwin, I know. I took your words to heart, and you were right, I really am living a fucked up life. If it makes you feel better I'm doing some self-evaluation. So whatever you said that night I appreciated it, alright? Now can we drop this because it's getting really fucking cheesy and I'm about to gag."

"Holy shit you can be deep," said a voice behind us. And I looked behind me, only to see Petra on the elliptical with a huge grin on her face.

I stumbled. Caught myself on the handles before I could fall. Jammed both feet on the edges of the treadmill. And there was this long moment of awkward silence where I was hating myself.

Erwin had to stop his treadmill. He cupped a hand over his mouth and started shaking. Petra just let it out, tears and all, and all of a sudden the entire gym was staring out way. I could just fucking die now.

"Oh god, that was good!" she was still slamming her fist on the display panel. You'd think she was having a seizure. I stopped my treadmill as well.

"What the fuck Petra?" I snapped.

She wiped her tears away, and I wondered what she'd look like if she was really crying. If I made her cry. "I'm sorry Professor, I heard the two of you having a deep and meaning conversation and I didn't want to interrupt."

"It was not a deep and meaning—"

"Haven't seen you here in a while," Erwin brushed me off, apparently having laughed enough.

I turned to Erwin. "She's a regular and you knew?"

"Why do you care?" and I didn't like the way he said it, like he was accusing me. It was snide. It was rude. Sudden too.

"What's it to you if I do?" I said low enough so that Petra couldn't hear.

"I'm only trying to help."

"What? You're the one that wanted me to start taking relationships seriously or some stupid shit."

"You don't understa—"

"Hey, hello, don't ignore me." Petra crossed her arms.

I stepped off the treadmill, wanting to get away from this so-called friend who was obviously as bipolar as a menstruating bitch. One minute he's telling me off, the next minute he's apologizing, and now he was snapping at me for no apparent reason. What the fuck was his problem?

"Levi?"

"Fuck you Erwin." I gave him the finger and left them both.

Strength training was packed full of body builders and show-offs, so I didn't care if Erwin decided to follow me or not. There were enough people here so that he wouldn't try another one of his 'talks' on me. There was one free bench press. It would do. My arms were feeling weak lately anyway. More pain, less worries.

I laid out a towel on the upholstery, adjusted the weights and got to it.

I was on my second set when it started to burn. Gradually, but it was there. I kept my breaths steady. A sudden thought of Erwin and Petra talking (probably about me) comes to my head, and I stupidly increase my pace. I almost dropped the damn bar and weights on myself.

"Jesus...fucking...Christ" I ground my teeth and push it back into the hooks. There was no way I was going to get anything done with those two in my vicinity.

"Yo," Petra popped out of nowhere, holding a blue yoga mat.

"What do you want?"

She frowned. "You ran off without saying anything to me, don't you think that's kind of rude? I would've come to bug you earlier but I was talking to Erwin."

"Good for you."

"We were talking about you."

"I don't care."

"Ass," she laid her mat down on an empty space beside me.

"What are you doing, you're in the wrong place."

"Can't I do my stretches in a sea of wonderfully buff men?"

"Bitch whatever," I muttered.

I started lifting again, ignoring my desire to watch her do her stretches in those tight leggings that clinched to her slim thighs. I tried not to imagine what it would be like if she came in a sports bra. I increased my pace again.

And while I was barely on my seventh lift, she asked me teasingly, "Are you wondering what Erwin's doing?"

"No."

Just lift. Just lift. Just lift.

"You suuure?"

Lift. Lift. Lift.

I stopped to take a breath, hooking the bar and weights again. I sat up and gave her an annoyed look. "Just focus on your stretches!"

And she was, to my dismay, so I caught a glimpse of her rack as she pulled her arms back. I was too old for this.

Today was unproductive. If anything I was hurting myself from stopping so suddenly.

The other guys began paying us attention, and I noticed some of them were looking her way. I took a moment to assess her. Hair tied in a small ponytail, fitting gray tank, and again those leggings. She was fit. Had nice legs. I suppose she was something to look at. But seriously, look at her again and there's gonna be a problem.

Petra finished her stretches, and got up. "Well, I'm done for the day."

"It hasn't been twenty minutes since I saw you..."

"Hey I was here an hour ago, you just came too late."

She picked up her yoga mat and started towards the lockers. Then I saw him, some grungy-looking douche bag that was waiting to stalk her, leaning against the wall and flexing his...you couldn't even call those abs, more like baby fats. And it shouldn't be any of my business, but I felt like beating him to a pulp. I don't take chances. I threw my towel over my shoulder and followed her, giving the douche a long, hard, glare as I passed him.

"What are you doing?" Petra asked.

"Going to get my shit, what does it look like?"

"Huh. Sure."

But as we got to the split between male and female, I found myself naturally tagging along after her. She noticed, but didn't say anything. The place was empty. Thank god. She was leading me, and I was following. The situation was weird, new, exciting, tense. But we were going with it.

When she finally stopped, I let desire come over me. I ambled towards her, and she took slow steps back until we hit a dead end. I had her pinned against the lockers.

Right about now things were getting heated. She could hate me for this, but goddamn I couldn't keep my distance anymore. She was blushing, so I took that as a good sign, and she wasn't pushing me away, but she wasn't letting me in either.

"You're in my way,"

I cocked an eyebrow. "Am I?"

"And you smell like sweat."

"You don't look too bothered by it."

"I'm not," she purrs, and it was fucking arousing.

"Petra," I heard myself growl.

She didn't budge. Instead, she took a handful of my shirt and pulled me closer.

I hesitated. And it struck me that maybe I was having second thoughts. But I had no reason to. She was finally accepting my advances. But I knew that feeling, that same unnatural force that pushed me away the day I met her. What was stopping me? And what was stopping her? We were locked in a gaze. Not sure where to go from here, not sure if this was okay to go further. But I knew I was at my limit. I needed her. And it was the first time I'd been so spellbound by a woman.

"What the fuck have you done to me?" I murmured.

She gave me a look. It was shy, sweet, sensual, and I never knew she could make that expression. "Levi..."

That was it. When she said my name, my self control made a run for it. I wanted her so bad, right here, right now, even with every part of my conscience telling me how wrong that would be. I touched the side of her face. The first act of intimacy. The first time I felt her skin against mine. And it was like an electrical surge powering through me. I heard her gasp.

The door swung open, and we broke apart.

"Tsk." I clicked my tongue. I could punch a wall right now. That cock-blocking unnatural force was at it again. I could have had her. I could have taken her in a public locker room. It would have sealed the deal and gotten rid of all the confusion and mixed signals.

Footsteps followed, and it was coming our way. Petra threw my towel at me. I caught it. When did I drop this?

"Professor, get out of the female lockers before they find you." She was still blushing, and it was ridiculous how cute she could look. I couldn't believe I was even using that word for a girl. I wondered why I ever called her plain.

She was still waiting for me.

"Ah...right."

I reluctantly left, with a head full of thoughts and my stomach in a knot.

This was fucking exciting.

...

...

I think it makes more sense to put the author's note here.

Thanks for the reviews lovelies, you don't even understand how emotional I get reading them *cue gross sobbing*

Also, I know some of you are from the Philippines, so I just wanted to say I hope you and your loved ones are safe and well.