K'shatrisu, Ha'kel T'du Wilat?

Chapter Six:

"If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them."
- Spock, This Side of Paradise

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek.

Note: I know that chronologically I am several months behind (I think), but I am making the passage of 4 years happen not at the beginning of season 4. We are roughly around the 5th and 6th episode of season 4 for this change. Also, italics that are used with dialogue and "", it means they are speaking in Vulcan. If its just in italics when in a sentence, it is for emphasis only.

"Tell me about your family."

I looked up from my padd, slightly startled and amused that Vorik had willingly broken our mutually, concentrated silence. I was surprised of late to find him increasingly in my company on other social excursions or in the mess hall, outside of our weekly language lessons. I had been engrossed in my own work, and Vorik had joined me earlier, engaged in his own work. I often came to the mess hall to do my work in order to switch it up a little bit, instead of only being in my lab or quarters. I supposed I was a little too predictable in my routines, but there only so many places you can go on Voyager. Maybe I could break routine by sitting elsewhere in the mess hall, which I sometimes did unwillingly. The few usual persons like myself, who came in the evening after the dinner hour, all had their own preferred seats. Often I sat elsewhere in the mess hall when dining with my friends or peers, but that was only when my spot was stolen. I normally came here around this period three to four times a week. No wonder Vorik always seemed to find me here, especially these last two weeks.

He sat to my right, while I was hunched over my padd at my spot at the end of the table. It was the perfect spot for I had a view out the port window, of the entire mess hall, and more so since the wall was to my back. Neelix could not sneak up on me to give me company, as I had learned and many others had quickly. Vorik had joined me about a half an hour earlier. Sometimes we conversed, yet I was often here to do my work. Vorik, without asking, appeared to be aware of this, for he always had a padd with him. We could spend several hours absorbed in our own work with little to no conversation. It was only after we had finished, or I had, that we might converse or simply part ways. Vorik rarely violated this unspoken accord, so I gave him bemused look as I set my padd down.

I had been holding it with my arms on the table, hunched over as I probably did too much on my poor back. Immediately I reclined back into my chair and grabbed my drink. After taking a quick sip, I scowled at realizing its cold temperature. My eyes glanced back at Vorik's expectant face. There was the smallest crinkling around his eyes, giving a sign of amusement, that I would not have noticed before…the hand incident. "You do not look pleased," Vorik commented neutrally, but the sardonic intent was laced within every syllable.

My scowl disappeared as I gave him a wide smile. "No, I love it when my tea is cold," I replied in a sweet, sarcastic quip.

Vorik appeared fazed for only a few seconds as he gave a tiny eyebrow raise. "You are not being genuine," He returned decidedly.

"Really? You could tell?" I went on in false shock. Vorik's face was impassive, though a minuscule flash of something occurred in his intent stare. Without another word, he reached for my cup that I had already set back onto the table. He proceeded to the replicators a few feet behind him and set it into one of them. It reintegrated back into the system as Vorik stated to the computer. "Vulcan spiced tea. Hot." He did not look at me as I winced for Vorik had just used his own replicator rations on me. How could he have known I was almost out? In my defense it was close to the end of the month and they would be renewed at the beginning of the next month. I should have protested, but decided that just owing him a drink would settle the score. After he received the drink, Vorik swiftly returned to the table and set the drink down in front of me as he settled back into his own seat.

"You still have not answered my question," Vorik stated with a hint of a command. I eyed him as I leaned forward to take my drink and leaned back into my chair. Other than telling him about Jason, we had not talked much about our families. A mention, a hint, or a short explanation in passing when it was relevant to the current topic. It had not been its own in-depth topic as of yet. Our home worlds, cultural differences, and some stories from youth or at the academy had been shared. Or at least on my part…Vorik always seemed curious to ask me these kinds of questions, if we were not discussing work, our cultures, or another intellectual topic. He would share if I asked, although it was difficult to get him to open up. Vulcans are generally private, and it can take a longer time to get to know them personally than what humans are used too. By their standards, Vorik was rather adventurous, open-minded, and a social butterfly.

"First off, thank you for the drink," I said with a genuine smile. "Secondly, what do you want to know?"

Vorik had a rapid look of contemplation. "You have already informed me in previous conversations of your home world and your parents' careers. I know you had at least one brother in Star Fleet and that you have other siblings. Tell me about them."

I looked at him appraising his abrupt curiosity, but shrugged it off as I responded. "I'm the youngest of four and the only girl. Darey is the oldest and is a mining supervisor on Janus VI, although that might have changed by now." I paused as I felt a pang of old grief and anger, but kept it at bay. "Jason was the second oldest, and the first to leave Mars by joining Star Fleet. He inspired the rest of us to do the same, though Darey had no desire to join Star Fleet." I took another sip of my tea as I kept my unpleasant feelings at bay. "The third child in my family is my brother Sean. He graduated from the academy before me and was stationed on the USS Yorktown." I gave a morbid chuckle. "Although I'm sure he's been promoted and stationed elsewhere by now."

"You and your brothers chose very different career paths than that of your parents," Vorik remarked in a thinly veiled question. I drank my tea once again with a bemused smirk before answering him.

"Something that irks my parents at times, I think." I informed him with a small laugh. "They respected our decisions though and were proud of us. We may not have followed their careers, but certainly it affected us. All of my brothers and I have a passion for reading and the natural world. Jason was the only who loved plants like dad though."

"It is natural for a parent's career or interest to be shared with their offspring," Vorik concurred in amiable agreement. I observed his relaxed posture, yet stoic face. They say eyes are the mirrors to the soul, or something like that…it's an overused expression throughout history in Earth's writings. At moments like these, I found it to be utterly true. Again, I could notice small physical signs that I would not have before…His dark eyes appeared to have a warmth in them and his attention was only fixed on me, and mine his. I felt my own warmth inside me, only confirming what I already knew, and with it the sting of knowledge that it probably did not change anything. Still, I savored the moment, and enjoyed it because I valued our friendship, even if that is only what it would ever be. "And you?" I inquired after taking another drink.

Vorik appeared momentarily hesitant as he always did when it was a 'personal' question. He did not seem to be this way with those he considered to be his friends, mainly I had observed this when Adele was with us. The look quickly vanished, leaving behind his usual demeanor. "I informed you in an earlier conversation when we first went to the holodeck that I am from Raal." It was a question, yet….

I gave him a chagrined smile and could not keep down a derisive snort. "I'm human Vorik, but our memories aren't that bad."

Vorik's head went into a small dip. "My parents reside in Vulcana Regar, the largest population center in Raal. I ascertain they currently reside there still. My father's career was in engineering, and my mother's in archaeology. My brother-"

I almost choked on my tea mid-sip. "You have a brother?" The stare Vorik gave made me briefly compare it to that of the classic human eye-roll.

"I stated the fact," Vorik replied in his bland, derisive response. He paused as some realization came upon him. "Has this fact…surprised you?"

Point one for the Vulcan.

"Look Vorik, I know Vulcans are private, but you've said yourself that I've mentioned my brothers before." I explained delicately, going into my scholar mode. "Beings usually talk about their families, especially their siblings, more so then their parents even."

Vorik inclined his head studiously. "You assumed I had no siblings." He observed. "Based on a lack of information and that the common Vulcan pairing has one offspring."

"Yes," I answered, "Though I get the whole privacy thing, but we've known each other for a while now…and…" As I trailed off, Vorik's gaze had turned from me to the port window as countless stars streamed on by. The earlier warmth had faded, leaving behind the coldness of space in his eyes. Vorik's hands went into that Vulcan steeple hold, and his earlier relaxed look had turned rigid. Or at least that is what I thought I saw.

"Do you know how atypical twins are among Vulcans?" Vorik inquired in a quiet, terse tone as he switched into Vulcan.

"I've never read any studies," I said with open curiosity and bewilderment at his change in behavior. He almost seemed upset…"And I have not seen or met any either."

"The chances naturally are 1 out of 500,000 for Vulcans. For Humans, it is 1 out of 90." Vorik asserted with his impressive knowledge for factoids, yet there was a glint of further knowledge in his gaze. "My brother and I fascinatingly defeated those odds."

"Is that good or bad?" I asked bluntly. Vorik lowered his hands, still clasped together, lower onto the table. His eyes glanced at me, before returning to the window.

"One offspring is the norm, but there is no negative social attitudes on having more." Vorik reported. "Vulcans are long-lived, so it is not too unusual for the occasional Vulcan to have several offspring. Commander-Lieutenant Tuvok has four, but twins are uncommon and celebrated. Taurik and I were…always together, or within subspace communication distance of each other."

A dawning realization came over me then. Vorik had spoken of his parents, and he avoided talking about them at the same time. Vulcans are private, albeit he was usually open for one. Normally I was an open person in comparison to a Vulcan, but even I did not talk about my family too much because I missed them. People had either avoided the subject, or had talked about their families too much initially, after we had first come to the delta quadrant. Now days most people do not talk about their families and friends from back home very often. Vorik was the same when talking about his parents, and especially his twin brother…for he also missed them. His brother most of all. Based from the fleeting glimpse I had had into his mind, I could not imagine the depths of his longing and grief. This was Vorik's attempt to share private information, too become closer, which implied a great deal of trust. The warmth in my chest expanded, and was also pained in empathy for him. I set my cup down on the table and searched for the correct words. "You are…..incomplete without him?" I asked softly.

Vorik's clasped hands were resting on the edge of the table. I desperately wanted to reach out to give him a comforting hand, and sharply reminded myself that it would not be appreciated. Vorik's dark gaze swung away from the port window to my own. The black space attempted to remain a void, but the wells of grief were there. "Yes." Vorik admitted stoically. His one worded answer implied so much more, yet Vorik pushed on to show his resilience. "Yet we should not forget the opportunities we have by being the first Federation ship to explore the selek-shalat." My Vulcan had improved greatly and the last two words he said I did not know, but figuring from the context it must mean the delta quadrant. I stored the new vocabulary away in my mental dictionary to double check later.

A small, empathetic smile came to me. "A true Vulcan response." A part of me envied his ability to see it from a more positive light then I was currently capable of.

"I am Vulcan." He looked at me then, as if he was pondering over whether I had meant it to be an insult or not.

"Yes," I murmured, failing to keep my feelings under lock and key. "I know." At least he did not talk about her, whoever she was back in the delta quadrant. Plus with my own current situation….he would not want me because he is Vulcan. Good job Iris, falling for one of the most unavailable people for you on Voyager. Sometimes I envied the Vulcan ability to repress their emotions.

Several weeks passed with my usual duties and social activities that I had resumed, instead of hiding away in my quarters. The proposed joint-project by Wildman had been approved by Ensign Murphy, ergo her and I were spending more time together. Adele and I had a counseling session once a week, while Vorik and I had our usual language appointments as well. Albeit we continued to spend time together outside of them, yet Vulcans are sticklers about their schedules. So even as we spoke in Vulcan the other times we were together, alongside with Basic, Vorik still insisted on the scheduled language sessions.

My roommates and Harry were still working on the new astrometric's lab that was nearing completion, from what I had heard anyways. It took me a few days to give Harry a begrudging half-apology after I had exploded at him. Harry, in his amiable nature that I did not deserve in this case, accepted it. We went back to our usual music practices with his group, and our bi-weekly ones with just us or Susan Nicolleti included. We had a performance coming up for the crew, so we had more practices than usual. The monthly performances, including other acts from other crewmembers, had become a once a month affair usually. A few days before the performance, I found myself at the recreational lounge with Vorik. He had inquired several days before if I would be free for a game of 3-D chess. I had agreed, even though I am terrible at it. Admittedly, it was just so I could spend time with him, not that I would tell him that.

Vorik sat across from me in his cushioned seat with the game set on the low, glowing coffee table between us. Soft, yellow light lit up the surface of the table and made the clear, crystal levels of the game glow. I studied Vorik with narrowed eyes as he moved his chess piece. "Checkmate," He declared evenly, though his eyes were smug. I wanted to gnash my teeth together. Vorik leaned back into his seat and went into his favored hand hold, for he had been leaning forward with his arms on the top of his legs beforehand. This was my second bitter defeat. I should have known better than to play a game based on logic and strategy with a Vulcan!

"You win!" I agreed as I slouched back into my chair. "No more. I can't stand your cocky attitude."

Vorik raised an eyebrow as he often did when I teased or confused him. "Cocky?" He repeated monotone and at the same with said cursed, puffed-up attitude. "Perhaps you say this from being, as you humans term it: a sore loser." The withering glare I gave him could have made a Klingon afraid.

"I am not a sore loser," I protested weakly. Although based on my history playing games with my brothers growing up, I knew I was, and that was due to their incessant teasing when they won. Which had been always in my defense. Vorik's eyebrow merely raised further in silent response. "Okay, maybe a little." I confessed at his pointed look.

"Vulcans and Humans share a common ideal that honesty, to phrase it in another Human expression, is the best policy." Vorik went on in light banter as his eyebrow lowered. A playful light was hinted in his eyes. "Especially with one's self."

I snorted at that as the beginning of knowing smile turned my lips upwards. "Or more you like to rub it in. I grew up with my brothers doing the same, so don't try to deny it."

The entertained light teasingly danced in his warm eyes. "I will not confirm to such a ridiculous notion," Vorik defended himself seriously with a stone-walled face. "Yet neither will I deny it."

I laughed, forgetting my sourness over his conceited victories. "Did you hear that the Captain has a meeting with the B'omar Sovereignty representatives?" I asked Vorik, moving the conversation forward.

"Vulcans do not participate in ship gossip," Vorik replied dryly. It was difficult to tell if he was being serious or intentionally humorous. I decided on the latter.

"Like you have anything better to do." I retorted. "Besides, this is a fact. I put together a report for the Captain and senior staff after combing the archives we have collected from other delta quadrant species, and from interviewing Neelix."

"The Captain and senior staff will find the information useful," Vorik supplied in a complimentary manner.

"Hopefully," I commented with a small frown. "There wasn't that much. This could be….the B'omar aren't known for being very agreeable."

"The Captain will successfully negotiate with them," Vorik said comfortingly. He appeared to be trying to assuage my worries, which caused that warm feeling in my chest to grow.

"Yeah." I echoed hopefully. She always figured something out.

Well….we were soundly wrong about that. Not due to our Captain though, but because of it going crazy as a battle-fevered Klingon and leading us on a non-approved chase through B'omar space. Right when the Captain was in the middle of negations with them on taking Voyager through their space. The crew was not told the full story, but gossip put a lot of the pieces into place….errr….somewhat that is. After recollecting it from an uninhabited moon, and instead of leaving it there as we should have, Voyager had swiftly left B'omar space. The rumors vary here from it being a single B'omar ship approaching on sensors or a whole fleet of them. Either way we had overstayed our welcome. Now thanks to it, we will spend months going around B'omar space. After this incident, I had revealed my vehemence on the subject with Adele at our next counseling session. Adele would not tell me what had come over it, and stated that I should not blame it. She actually had the gall to encourage me to greet it or something similar. It was the first step, she told me, to starting seeing it as an individual and not the focal outlet of my feelings. Naturally I had informed Adele that she was suffering from some form of temporary insanity if she thought I would become friends with it. Somehow, in her quiet and kind manner, she had gotten to me agree to it. Although I was not happy about it to put it lightly.

The entire incident with the B'omar had cancelled the monthly performance. It was rescheduled, much to our group's relief. I invited Vorik, Adele, Suzi, and several other colleagues from the science departments. Occasionally my friends came, however this time they were all on shift though, except for Vorik. He had often attended in the past, but this was the first time I had personally invited him. He had accepted the invitation in his seemingly indifferent behavior.

The concert was in the mess hall. Some other crewmembers performed musical and non-musical acts, and our group performed a majority of the time. Mostly it was as a whole group, but there were some solo and duet performances. I participated myself in several duets, and had been most proud of the Mouret's Rondeuu piece with Harry for we had finally gotten the trills right. The attendance was of decent size and I had to resist the temptation to look Vorik's way. Sure, he had attended before, yet this time it was different somehow. His attention was on me. I briefly had a crazy thought, as if he too felt that we were the only people who existed in the room. The stupid notion was brief I assure you. Several of the senior staff members were in attendance, and much to my delight and equal horror the Captain was there with it in tow. In the past, the Captain and senior staff had come. If they spoke to me, I had quickly taken the compliment or greeting before slinking away. Do not think it was ill thoughts, I did so out of partial-awe and terror. I did not usually interact with them on a face-to-face level daily, and mind you, I had been fresh out of the academy when assigned to Voyager. Interacting with them for anything longer than seconds intimidated me still.

After the performance finished with our group's final song and the applause, Vorik had promptly approached me to compliment me in his Vulcan manner as I cleaned and dissembled my flute. We spoke about the performances and his analysis of them as I finished up with my current task. "In particular, I found that-" Vorik said thoughtfully, before halting suddenly in surprise. I had just finished packing my flute and music stand away, and looked up from where I had been half-bent over my chair with my equipment resting on the chair. Vorik stood to the right of me and my back was to where the audience had been sitting. "Captain. Seven-of-Nine."

My heart almost ceased beating as I slowly straightened up and turned around to face them. Speaking to the Captain was usually a nerve-wracking experience in of itself, and now…

"Ensigns," Captain Janeway greeted us with a kind expression. "Lovely performances. Ensign Hawk, you and Harry outdid yourselves on Mouret's Rondeuu."

"Thank you, Captain." I returned with a genuine smile to hide my mixed terror and joy. I was truly touched and honored that she had complimented Harry and I on that piece. It was the piece I had most struggled and worked on. By some means, I worked up the courage to look at it. The expression on its face was almost Vulcan like in its indifference. The Captain gave it a barely noticeable look of encouragement.

"The music was…" It started in a clipped, cold manner as its unfinished sentence hung out there in an awkward breath. Its gaze darted to the Captain, who gave her a subtle, stern look of encouragement. I would have missed if it had not been my paranoid and hyperventilating scrutiny of the scenario I was currently stuck in. It was…nervous?...It looked back at me with an icy confidence. "Interesting."

I could not figure out if it was being genuine or mocking. Either way, the Captain was present, and I had promised Adele. An internal shudder went through me as I met its frigid, analytic gaze. The notion came to me that while it presented itself as indifferent, or as if it saw right through me, that this was not how it felt. 'There's a complicated woman there.' Harry's words echoed unwanted in my mind. '….Part of the team.'

'Do you think the Borg drone asked to be assimilated and raised by the Borg?' Vorik's remembered question followed next.

'There's more to everyone then what we see…layers…and so it is with her,' Adele's no-nonsense point from our last session whispered last in my mind.

I met her eyes without flinching. No smile or signs of benign welcome came from me. It was a start though. My heart fluttered about and I felt my throat tighten as I attempted to ignore her borg implants. Jason's face taunted the edge of my mind. The knowledge that Vorik was beside me gave the strength I did not know I had. Additionally, the fact the Captain was there had my attention. "Thank you," I stated in remote politeness. Vorik interceded next, while I thanked him silently for I was at a loss for what I would have said next. It would have been something along these lines; 'Hello, borg drone. I hate you not for you, but for what you represent. Oh yes, my apologies Captain, but have you lost your mind?'….That would not go well to say in the least, I thought in morbid amusement.

"I do not believe you have met Ensign Hawk before," Vorik said in an eerily indifferent tone similar to her's that I had just now noticed. It was different with Vorik though, I reminded myself. It also occurred to me that he had met her before in engineering. The Captain's attention was on her, waiting for her response.

"No….not formally." She agreed with Vorik, while casting the Captain a quick look. If I did not know any better, I would say she was as uncomfortable as me in this present situation. The Captain came to her rescue as Vorik had mine, excusing themselves to make the social rounds to the other crew members who had performed as well. I watched them walk away as I took a deep breath to calm myself.

Vorik stood beside me and I almost jumped, startled as he spoke quietly. "You were satisfactory." High praise indeed, and I knew he did not mean the performance, I thought dryly. My attention switched from her retreating back to Vorik's calm, comforting face.

"Thank you," I murmured back in Vulcan. "If you had not been here…" My sentence trailed off into space as I looked away from him, pretending to be looking at the people around the mess hall. How could I tell him the truth? Would it give away my feelings, and yet we were friends. I looked back to Vorik before my courage left me entirely. "Your presence gave me courage." I said flustered. The warm light I had seen more often of late in his dark vision lit up. For one second, I thought I saw Vorik's arm move, as if he meant to raise it.

"I am…" Vorik returned as he searched for a word. "Glad." He completed in a softer, almost gentle way in Basic. This was not a word a Vulcan would normally or lightly use, which showed Vorik's liberal nature for a Vulcan and the value he placed on our friendship. While it would not ever be more; my now pleasantly, rapid heartbeat and touched feelings were glad of it anyways.

I sat down at my desk in my quarters, attempting in a futile effort not to look at my family pictures and brood.

….Four Years…

The day was today, unmarked and unnoticed, or had my fellow crew members desired it to be this way? Did each hold their own silent vigil, or had they not even realized it? Today's stardate was the day Voyager had left on its first mission. A mission, while difficult mayhaps, was one that that had been intended to be of a short duration. Four years later, here we are still together (most of the crew that is), and on the other side of the galaxy. It was no one's fault other than the Caretaker's for stealing us from our side of the galaxy. My captain, senior officers, and fellow crewmembers all have been valiant and amazing in a mutual persistence that we will make it home someday. The captain foremost of all, yet sometimes….even if we do someday, I will be an old woman if I am still alive…if that day ever comes. I knew it was not healthy to dwell on, but I would bet a week's worth of night shifts that many among the crew were doing the same.

A week had passed since the performances. Nothing too much of note has occurred, other than Harry and my roommates still working with her on the building the new astrometrics lab. There was the usual running of the ship, but there had been no encounters with other races as of yet, and we seemed to be flying through unclaimed space. Someone in astrometrics might tell you of stellar phenomena or something of note. I egress though, for that is not my field nor is my main interest about space travel. I had my usual social activities with my friends, my continuing work on the project with Wildman, and another counseling session with Adele. She had warned me to keep busy on this day, and not to forget Adele had been quite pleased at the last session when I had told Adele that I had spoken to her. We were making progress, however slowly, but it was something.

Vorik and I were continuing to spend time together outside of our language appointments. My Vulcan language skills were improving because we often conversed in Vulcan. Unless we were with Adele, Suzi, or my roommates. Somehow, without quite realizing it, Vorik had become a part of my usual social group. Whether we were alone or with my friends. It did occur to me that Vorik did not introduce me to his own social group, if he had one that is. He appeared to be on friendly terms with Lieutenant Torress, albeit even I did not know how that had happened, as well as with his colleagues. He had made mentions of Lieutenant-Commander Tuvok….and other then his friendship with Adele, I truly did not know. Yet Vulcans are more solitary by nature then humans, except with their families I would think. Vorik was rather social for a Vulcan for lack of a better word. Who were his friends or close colleagues? Did they help to fill in that numbing void? It irked me, I realized, that I did not know this about him. Voyager's crew however, cohesively and with all of its different niches, had started to become…family….

I looked finally at my family picture. Four years, and yet….what about my work and discoveries here in the delta quadrant? Would I have become friends with Adele and Suzi if we had not been here? Tal and the Delaney twins? Harry and his musical group? With my other crewmates, such as Wildman?...With Vorik? The acidic bitterness tasted lighter in flavor and a part of me, a growing part, would not have changed it.

I left my quarters for the mess hall, in a hopeful and contrarily, brooding mood. I was still sulking it would seem. At this hour, between lunch and dinner, only a few people were in the mess hall. Neelix rarely bothered me when I was sitting at my spot. We had developed an unspoken rule that when I wanted to socialize with him, I would linger by the serving counter or make eye connection from across the room. In the beginning he would bother me for conversation, well he did that with everyone actually at first. Neelix had learned not to disturb his regulars and only to go after the sulking crewmembers who did not usually hang about the mess hall. Said crew members came acting like they wanted to be alone, and they still came here knowing Neelix would harangue them until they spilled their guts out. He had made a decent sort of temporary counselor, and would continue to do so, until Adele was ready to serve the crew properly. Of course, I think, people would still come to him for their problems. Perhaps it would become a competition between him and Adele, I thought jadedly.

Alas, I will admit, I came to the mess hall giving off that same brooding aura that attracts Neelix like a bee to the pollinating flower. He was irresistibly led to me after I had been staring out the port window for a good hour with no work before me. A forgotten, cold cup of Neelix's "better-than-coffee" substitute sat on the table. I had taken it to at least look like I was in the mess hall doing something. Neelix had a pot of "better-then-coffee" in his hand as I turned from looking at the window. He spoke as he approached me. "Refill, Ensign?" He inquired cheerfully. Neelix looked down at my untouched cup as he reached the table. The concern touched his gaze as he looked back at me. "Ah, well, I see you're not thirsty then." Neelix then set his pot down on the table as he pulled back the chair to my right, taking a seat without further notice. "I'll join you then since you're not busy."

I shrugged, making a noncommittal sound as I gazed back out the port window. If he could distract me from my current frame of mind, he was welcome to have at it. "Ensign, have I ever told you about my family, my homeworld?" Neelix asked in a peculiarly, serious manner that was unlike him.

My attention switched back to him, darkly curious on where he was going with this. "No."

Neelix gave me a small, sad smile. "I thought not. I don't often speak of it." He informed me with remembrance of memory haunting his face and words. "My people were at war with another species, the Haakonians, for many years. My family was from a moon, Rinax, which orbited the homeworld Talax. When I was gone on Talax, avoiding obligatory military service, the Haakonians released a weapon of mass destruction on Rinax. Over 300,000 Talaxians died, including my family. The next day my people surrendered to the Haakonians."

I gaped at Neelix, horrified by what I had just heard for I had no idea of his tragic past. He always acted so annoyingly happy. Pity and empathy came to me in the next wave, and Neelix's next words made it turn into a stunned realization and self-disgust at myself.

"I know you and the crew's families and homeworlds are on the other side of the galaxy," Neelix went on as he reached out with his hand to give me a comforting squeeze on my shoulder. "At least you and the crew have hope. And the knowledge that they, and your homeworlds, are there. Don't let your depression drown you, Ensign. I know how easy it is to drown in it." Without another word and a final pat on the arm, Neelix picked up his pot and returned to the kitchen.

I had no idea about his past, shocking and horrible as it was. Neelix hid his pain well, or he at least attempted to live his life fully because of it or in spite of it. To think of the self-pity I had been wallowing in! He was right, alongside with Adele. It was time for me to let go of the past and look towards the future, whatever it may be. The doors slid open across the mess hall as Vorik's familiar figure stepped into the mess hall. His eyes made connection with mine as he started my way. A smile curved on my lips as I beckoned for Vorik to join me.

A/N: Lack of update was due to traveling all over the place last month. Made this one a little longer and with lots of Vorik interaction to make up for it. Thanks for reading and please review!