Stronger Than I'll Ever Be

Chapter Seven "Sea of Pain"

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my made up characters!

Saturday, February 13th General POV

Aaron Hotchner walked into the seating area of their private jet to talk to his team. It was quiet, no one really in a talking mood after yesterday. "Erin cleared us to go to South Dakota. We're going to be talking to the Sheriff's Department and trying to find the unsub."

"Any news about Roslyn?" Emily asked worriedly.

Hotch sighed. "Nothing yet. I haven't heard from Dave or Reid."

"What about the unsub? What happened to him?" Morgan sounded furious. Reid was hurting, Morgan Knew, so was Rossi and he couldn't bare for two of the people he cared about to be hurting like this.

"He's missing as of right now but there was evidence that someone may have shot him as there's a blood trail leading off the ranch. The Sheriff's department and state police are already there tracking it."

"Let's get going then." JJ went to tell the pilot we were ready to take off.

…

Dave POV

I held onto Andrea's hand as we sat in our daughter's hospital room. Machines beeped and there was the steady beep of the heartrate monitor that told us she was still alive, still fighting. She hadn't woke up after surgery and the doctors weren't exactly sure why. One had a theory that maybe her brain was trying to give herself time to process what had happened, to give her time to heal mentally from the tragedy.

Reid was down in the cafeteria bringing Andrea and me food. I wished he would eat something but he kept insisting he wasn't hungry. He just sat by her side watching her for any movement but nothing had come yet.

As the doctors said, we just had to wait and hope for the best.

…...

Monday, February 15th

Jesse. Spencer. Mom. Dave. Melody. John. Abbie. Joey. I tried to tell myself all the people who would be affected if I gave in. I had to keep fighting the darkness. I had to try to wake up.

I tried to move my fingers, my legs but nothing seemed to happen. After what seemed like forever, I got my eyes to open and a bright light blinded me. I closed my eyes quickly again but opened them slowly.

"Roslyn?" I felt relief as I heard Spencer's voice, joined by my mother's and Dave's. Tears made their way down my face and I turned towards Spencer. It was so good to see his messy brown hair and his brown eyes staring at me.

"Jesse." I managed to croak out. Spencer's face showed everything. "He's dead."

"I'm so sorry Roslyn." Spencer whispered softly. I turned towards my mother and she hugged me.

"Oh baby, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you had to be there."

"It's Tom." I managed to get out through the tears. "He's the one who's been killing everyone. He was there."

Mom's face was shocked. "Tom? I know he was a suspect but I didn't really think…he…wow."

Dave walked back in with the doctor. "Roslyn, hi I'm Dr. Green. It's good to see you awake." Dr. Green smiled at me as he came beside me. It was quiet as the doctor went through his examination of me. "Well it seems you are doing okay. How are you feeling? Dizzy? In pain?"

"My shoulder aches a bit and I feel like my stomach is cramping badly." I frowned, feeling the pain as I spoke. It was just starting to come on.

"Your pain medicine is probably wearing off; I'll have the nurse give you some more. I have to warn you though—it'll put you out of it mentally. I think the police wanted to speak to you but they can wait." Dr. Green wrote something on his clipboard.

"No! I want to talk to them. I can handle the pain." I insisted. I had to help them in any way I could to give closure to the families—what was left."

Dr. Green sighed and nodded. "I'll make sure to let them know." His face-hardened at something on his clipboard. "I'll need to speak to Roslyn alone for a moment. I promise it shouldn't take long."

Spencer leaned down to give me a quick kiss before leaving. Mom gave me a watery smile and Dave led her out. "What's wrong Dr. Green?" I asked a bit scared of what he had to say.

"Roslyn, there was a complication during your surgery." Dr. Green spoke softly. "We didn't know of your condition when we went to operate—"

"What condition?" I was confused. I had no medical conditions I was healthy.

Surprise ran across his face. "You didn't know."

"Didn't know about what?"

"Roslyn, you were pregnant. About six weeks along. Most women don't know that early." Shock ran through me completely stunning me. I was pregnant. Six weeks along. Spencer's baby.

Wait, he said I was pregnant as if I wasn't anymore. "Were?"

Sympathy crossed his face. "You lost the baby. Most likely from your wounds and the surgery. At six weeks, there is nothing that can be done to prevent miscarriage. I'm sorry."

"Oh." I don't know how it was possible but my heart broke even more. Not only had I lost Jesse but I had lost my child too. My and Spencer's child.

"I'll leave you with your family so you can spend some time with them. If you're dizzy or your pain intensifies to unbearable then call for the nurse who'll will get me okay?" I nodded and after patting me on the leg, he left.

Spencer came back in with my parents. "Hey Mom do you think you could get me something to drink? I'm kind of thirsty." I asked, hoping Dave would go with her. I needed to talk to Spencer alone.

"Sure sweetheart. Dave, why don't you come with me and grab a coffee now that she's awake?" So her and Dave left, leaving me with Spencer. He dragged his chair closer to my bedside and went back to holding my hand.

"What did the doctor have to say?"

I looked up at the ceiling as I told him. "He said that I lost the baby." It was silent for a moment.

"Baby? What baby? You were pregnant? Why didn't you tell me?"

I rushed to explain. "I didn't know Spencer. I had no clue. He said I was about six weeks along; most women are just realizing it or realize it around eight weeks."

The shock seemed to wear off quicker for him and he leaned down to kiss me. "I'm sorry again Roslyn. It's like hit after hit for you."

I shrugged trying to make my tears disappear. "It's not like I knew about the baby, I didn't know I was pregnant so what's there to be sad about?" The tears shone in my eyes.

"There's still a lot to be sad about, which I know you are. You're trying to hide everything inside. Well Roslyn, you can't do it. But I'm here for you, Rossi is here for you, your mother is here for you. Just let us be there for you to lean on. Do that for once, lean on someone else, don't try to shoulder everything yourself."

Tears slipped down my face. "Spencer—I just, I can't talk about it yet. I'm already going to have to talk to the police about it and—" There was a knock at the door and we both looked over. It was Aaron and JJ.

"Hello Roslyn. May we come in?" JJ asked and I nodded.

"What—what are you guys doing here?" I asked in surprise. They stepped in the room, closer to me.

"We're here to help find Tom Farley." My heart dropped.

"I thought—I thought I killed him." Panic raced through me. "If you haven't found him then you have to make sure Melody, John, and Abbie is safe. He threatened them specifically."

"Now hold on, don't panic. There is evidence that someone did shoot him, a blood trail was being followed out of the ranch. It's very possible he's gone off somewhere and died, we just have to find him." Aaron told me. "I promise we will do everything to find him, dead or alive."

"But first, Sheriff Dun is outside and we'd like to get your story on what happened. You're the only witness to all of this. So if you can or feel up to it, we'd like you to talk to us." JJ said gently to me.

"JJ I'm not sure she should be—" I shook my head to stop Spencer.

"Spencer, I have to do this. We both know I do." I squeezed his hand. "Stay with me while I do it?"

"I'm not going anywhere." Spencer promised. I turned to JJ and Aaron.

"Let's do this now before the doctor tries to give me more medicine." I tried to steel myself for this. I had to.

….

A day later, they found Tom Farley and the remains of a local stable hand they believed he killed awhile back. Two days later, I was released from the hospital with orders that I would not do any physical work and I could walk around or sit in the house. No riding, no doing anything in the barn, nothing.

So I was laying on the couch waiting for someone to be here. The whole team—minus Garcia who was back in DC—was at the Sheriff's Department working on helping Sheriff Dun settle everything, getting the autopsies. Mom was out feeding with Joey and John. Melody was in town with Abbie who had a doctor's appointment.

I was actually surprised I was being left alone. Ever since I had been released, they had tried to keep someone with me. I overheard Dave and JJ talking about the risk of me committing suicide after something that horrific and tragic. But I wasn't feeling suicidal. Numb at times? Yes. In such incredible emotional pain? Hell yes. I had lost my best friend and my second family. The situation had been horrific and terrifying but I wasn't at the point of suicide. It's like I was in a sea of pain but I was still treading water, keeping my head above for now.

I know Jesse's aunt and uncle were supposed to be landing sometime tomorrow. They would be coming over here to discuss funeral or memorial plans. I was pretty sure Jesse's parents had a will so they should have everything written out on what they wanted.

I didn't want to think about burying Jesse. His confessions before his death still had me shaken. He still loved me. He regretted ending it and had wanted to keep trying. Those wasted years that we could have been trying to work things out, possibly have been together. It made everything hurt so much worse. It started many 'what-ifs'.

The only good news out of this past week was I had killed the son of a bitch that was doing all this. There would be no more deaths, no more families being wiped out because of his delusional thinking. But I think it would be burned in me forever to always lend a helping hand whenever I could. Because if I didn't, I'd always be thinking of this whole tragic situation.

….

Reid POV

A baby. I would have been a father if Roslyn hadn't been shot. It was one of the many thoughts that kept running through my head since everything happened. Would I have made a good father? Would Roslyn have moved to be with me? Or me with her? Would we have stayed together?

I knew it affected Roslyn harder than she let on. She tried to push it off as she didn't know about the baby so how could she be sad about somethings she never knew she had. But it was hurting her and now it had started to affect me. So I decided I better talk about it with someone before it drove me crazy.

"Hey Morgan can I talk to you for a minute?" I stuck my hands in my pockets and looked at the man that I thought of as my brother. The whole team was close but I felt closest to JJ and Morgan.

"Sure." He looked around the room. "Let's take a walk while we talk. It's a bit crowded in here."

"What's up Kid?" Morgan asked as we started walking down the street.

"It's about Roslyn."

"She having a harder time than she's letting on? What's wrong?" Morgan was concerned and for that I was grateful. The team truly cared about her. Not only because she was Rossi's daughter either.

"Morgan, what I'm about to tell you, you can't tell anyone. Neither of us have told anyone else and I'd like to keep it quiet. It would hurt Roslyn more if people start asking questions."

"Okay, I promise not to tell anyone."

I took a deep breath. "Well you know Roslyn and I have grown very close and we love each other." At Morgan's nod, I continued. "At Christmas, we took our relationship to the next step. We…we were intimate." Morgan kept quiet as I talked and I'm glad he did. "Roslyn was told by the doctor when she woke up that there was a complication with the surgery. Something unexpected happened."

At my long pause, Morgan spoke. "What was it Reid? She can't have kids anymore? Hit an organ?"

"No…she was pregnant Morgan." Shock went across Morgan's face. "Six weeks along with my baby."

"She was?" Morgan asked softly.

"She lost the baby. Miscarried after her injuries." I let out a trembling sigh. "I had to tell someone. It was getting to me and I don't want to bother her with it. She's been through enough and she's hurting badly. It's just…" I ran a hand through my hair. "I would have been a father, Morgan. A baby. I mean I always thought I'd have a family but I wasn't sure and then it was there. It was going to happen but neither of us knew…and now I'm just so, I guess sad? Angry? I don't even know what to feel. I'm at a complete loss here."

Morgan stopped me and put his hands on my shoulders. "Reid, you lost something important too. It didn't matter if you just found out about the baby but you both lost a baby. Feel whatever you need to feel. Sad, mad, lost. Just don't bottle it inside…and don't do anything stupid." I was pretty sure he was trying to say don't go back to drugs. Like I had been doing when Tobias Hankel had taken me and given me dilaudid. Which afterwards, I became addicted to.

"I won't do anything stupid. I have Roslyn to think about now. I can't let her down now. She needs me."

"She's a lucky girl." Morgan gave me a half-smile.

I shook my head. "No I'm the one who's lucky." I looked up at him. "Thanks Morgan, for listening."

"Anytime Kid." Morgan slapped my shoulder lightly. "I think there's a coffee shop a few shops down. Wanna grab some before we go back?"

"Yeah, let's do it." I felt better now that I had talk to someone. Just letting some of the weight fall off my shoulders made me feel so much better. Now I felt like I could face this hard, upcoming week. Roslyn would be talking to Jesse's family, helping plan his funeral. She'd need someone to lean on, someone who could be strong for her. I'd be that person. Anything for the girl I loved.

….

AN: Hey readers! So, yeah, you didn't have to wait long I guess! This was totally unexpected for me to update again so soon but I couldn't get Roslyn and Reid out of my head so here's another chapter for you! I hope you like it (again as much as you can…). But the next update for this story will be a few weeks probably. I'm going to try to finish up one of my stories I've been working on since 2009 (my 1st one) and hopefully that clears up some more time for updates on other stories and I hope to have at least two others done by the end of this year.

To my reviewers so far:

SpenceFTW: I'm sure you'll be glad to know that Roslyn did manage to kill him so everyone is now safe! Well safe as you can be in a Criminal Minds story…Anyways. Thank you for your review! Yes, the US marshal didn't do too good…kind of like the US Marshal in Season 5, episode 9 "100" where George Foyet kills him. Sometimes killers get the best of them unfortunately for this family. Hope you enjoyed the quick update!

Thanks for reading! –Quinnandseth'sgirl15. My next update will either be: Juliet's Moon or Sophie's Choice. Not sure yet but I'll update as soon as possible!