Beyond the Pleasure Principle
by the.Merines
started: 12:16 01/15/07
finished: 10:41 01/16/07
published: 01/16/07
disclaimed: You know how it goes… see other chapters for legal stuff.

Projective Identification; Reality Principle

Asuka woke up with a groan. Her head was swimming, just like that time before.

No… This time there was something more than a hangover. Her heart hurt. There was a painful tightness in her chest. The events of the night before would not be forgotten so easily.

With a growl from her stomach, she slowly made her way to the kitchen. There was no prepared meal ready for her, no note from Shinji. She noticed that his shoes and bookbag were gone, so he must have gone back to school.

'He'll probably go back to work, too, in order to stay away from here as much as possible. That jerk…'

She erased those angry thoughts before they could aggravate her headache anymore.

'If he thinks I am going to be gone when he comes back, he's got another thing coming. I have to show him… that what happened… that the reason I called him that night and not anyone else… Ahhh, damnit!'

---

As Shinji clocked into work with a yawn and entered the customer service booth, he was met with a loud greeting from Ryu.

"Holy crap, you're alive! Welcome back!" his co-worker said with obvious happiness, ignoring the customer at his window.

"I'm home," Shinji replied with a sarcastic chuckle before retreating into the back office. He noticed that things had become far less organized in his absence. Papers were strewn about, reports left in the wrong areas, and notes from his supervisor which basically said that his job was on the line.

"So, where the hell have you been? The manager said that you suddenly asked for a week of vacation and left without getting her approval. That's an easy way to get fired, dude," Ryu noted as he stood in the office's doorway.

"Nothing really. I just needed some time off," Shinji said with a tired voice.

"You OK?" Shinji nodded, but his body language told another story. "Come on, it's not like I don't know that something's bothering you. It's written all over you. Whatever happened to that girl that night? The one who called? You seemed really worried about her."

"She got too drunk at a bar, and she needed help getting home. That's all," Shinji coldly replied. He went to work hoping to get away from hearing about Asuka, and Ryu's questioning was already annoying him.

"So? What about that girl you said that you liked? Wasn't she the same one?"

"Yeah. It was just the old impression I had of her that I liked. She's engaged to some big muscle head now, so I guess I don't really need to be worrying about a girl like that," he explained with a forced smile in an attempt to dissuade Ryu from bothering him further.

"Oh? She was engaged? How come she didn't call her fiancé for help that night?"

"I don't know, OK?!" Shinji suddenly yelled. "They must have had an argument or something. Yeah… Why else would she contact me so suddenly? She just needed a bit of help until things cooled off… I got myself all worked up over it. Sorry…" Shinji trailed off.

"It's OK, man. Girls drive me nuts sometimes, too. It messes with your head, ya know?" Ryu replied in a concerned yet casual way. This surprised Shinji; he expected Ryu to simply walk away and stay out of his way for the rest of the night.

"Thanks, Ryu… You're a good guy."

"Don't I know it! You're an asshole for yelling at me, though," he noticed with a laugh as he went out to help a customer. Shinji sighed.

'I guess that's right… Asuka just needed to clear her head for a while. But… That really can't be the truth, no matter how much I wish it was. She really planned on staying at my apartment for a while- she planned on starting a new life. But… Why couldn't she just say that she was running away from a mistake she made with some guy? I guess she was just too proud, but…'

Shinji simply could not get that fact out of his mind. Asuka had been in such a deep relationship that she was ready to marry someone. She was ready to marry someone Shinji had never met before. He had never seen Asuka as the kind of person who would marry- especially to a guy like that jerk.

He could not forgive her for hiding that fact. Even if they were no longer engaged; even if she never really loved that guy; even if it was too embarrassing to explain… She just walked back into his otherwise happy life and expected him to care for her. How could she do something like that? Had she just been manipulating him all this time, trying to get her way? If she could be engaged to someone and break it off so easily, how would Shinji know that any feelings he felt from her were true?

'She said that her actions last night had meaning.'

However, in Shinji's mind, anything she said may well have been a lie.

…

A few hours later, after Ryu had gone home and Shinji had closed the customer service desk, he picked up the store's phone and dialed Misato's number. "Yes. Misato, it's me, Shinji… Hello, how are you? I'm OK… No, actually. I have a favor to ask you. I found out something yesterday, and I'd like you to dig up some information for me. It's about what Asuka's been doing since she left your place…"

---

The door to Shinji's apartment slid open with a whoosh, and the apartment's owner walked in. He set his bookbag down and took off his shoes, purposefully oblivious to the young woman standing directly in front of him. Asuka stood with her feet spread apart and her arms folded. Shinji noted, with a hint of irony, that she was wearing the burnt orange pajamas he'd bought for her only last week. He stood there and finally met her gaze, intentionally making his eyes blank.

"I need to talk to you," Asuka finally said, trying to make the first move. Shinji stared at her for almost a minute longer before finally side-stepping her and making his way into the kitchen. Asuka sighed and followed him.

"… I guess I'll make my lunch tomorrow morning, then…" Shinji muttered. He exited the kitchen and tried to get down the hallway to his room, but Asuka quickly threw her body in front of him, blocking his way once again.

"You're just going to ignore me?" she asked, her voice wavering slightly. Shinji's face remained stony; it was a look that reminded Asuka of Shinji's father. That coldness in his eyes, the utter and complete disdain for what was before him… It frightened her a little.

"I don't have much of a choice, now do I?" he questioned quietly. Her eyes narrowed at his snide remark.

"So, the new and improved Shinji isn't as impenetrable as he'd like everyone to believe, huh?" she countered.

"Coming from someone like you, that's kind of funny." Asuka fought the urge to slap him as hard as she could.

"We can't all be perfectly normal, Shinji! We can't all just run away from our problems and have a nice life fall into our laps! The whole time you were living as a normal teenager, doing normal things with normal friends, where do you think I was? I woke up from the coma, and you were just gone. You disappeared without saying goodbye or anything. After I got sick of Misato's constant crying and moved out, where do you think I went?" Asuka exclaimed as she became more and more upset. The emotions that had been broiling inside the two of them could no longer be kept inside.

"It doesn't matter to me where you were. You came to me when you needed help, and I accepted you with open arms, without any questions… Now this comes up, at the worst possible time, and you want to pretend like it isn't a problem," Shinji quietly stated, doing his best to keep his anger in check.

"You accepted me before, but you don't now? Because I made a mistake in the past, and the guy who was at the heart of that mistake doesn't know when to let go? It's not my fault that he came here looking for me after more than a fucking year!" Shinji's eyes flashed for just a second. "Yeah, that's right. It's been more than a year since I'd seen Yuuichi. What, did you think I ran straight from his arms into yours? Are you seriously so conceited? I didn't think you were so stupid now."

"You almost married someone, Asuka. That's not something that just happens overnight, you know. Were you in love with that guy?"

"Whether I was or wasn't, isn't the issue here!" Asuka screamed as she placed a hand over her heart. "Only I know what's inside me! So what if I jumped into a committed relationship when I wasn't ready yet? Do you think I didn't learn from that mistake? Do you really think that I would want to tell you something like that right out of the gates, especially when we were getting along so well?"

The last part of that statement struck both Shinji and Asuka. Asuka immediately realized that what she said was the truth, but it wasn't something she had meant to say out loud. Shinji's thoughts stopped dead in their tracks as he began to second-guess his pre-planned argument. "What…?"

"That's right. I was too young and foolish to realize what I was getting into. The more time I spent with Yuuichi, the more I knew him… the less I could stand him. After a while he began to hold over me the fact that he was providing me with food and shelter. He more or less forced me to accept his proposal; otherwise he would have thrown me out of the street without anything," Asuka quietly explained. Shinji remained silent as she spoke, his demeanor becoming less and less angry. He had to fight himself not to reach out to her when he noticed the shimmer of tears in her eyes. "Since you're so goddamn hung up on knowing absolutely everything about what happened, Yuuichi hit me. After we were engaged, anytime I'd try to back out or even just disagree with him, he'd hit me. You can see that he doesn't hold back after last night…"

Shinji was dumbfounded by this- absolutely awestruck. Asuka, who was one of the toughest and strongest people he'd ever known, had submitted to this kind of harassment? He had a hard time believing it, but… love can do crazy things to people.

"So… you got out of there?" he asked slowly.

"Obviously… I lived with an acquaintance for as long as they could stand me free-loading off them, and I did what I could after that… When I reached the end of the road, your name was the only one I could think to call…" As much as she wished she was able to hold it back, a single tear streamed down her cheek.

"The end… of the road… huh?"

"So you see," she said after a moment, "it was nothing but a huge mistake that I have to live with for the rest of my life. If you want to judge me based on that, then go right ahead." With those words she stepped out of his way. After a few seconds, he made his way to his doorway before stopping once again.

"You're welcome to stay here for as long as you like," he stated over his shoulder.

"What about last night?" she quickly asked.

"What about it?"

"The things that happened… It wasn't just the alcohol, you know…"

"Mm…" The door to his room slid shut, separating the two once again. A shaky sigh slipped out of Asuka's mouth as she turned away from his room.

…

Three hours later Shinji lie awake, his hands behind his head. He realized that he felt lonely without Asuka in the room. As difficult as it was to shake the feelings of anger and betrayal that he'd been experiencing all day, he was doing his best to overcome them. That wasn't what was keeping him awake, however.

'Asuka… It doesn't make sense for her to lead me on at this point… but does she really feel that way about me? What is she does; what the heck am I supposed to do? She must know how I feel about her, but… She's never been so direct with me before. I don't know how to react to Asuka acting this way. If she really allowed someone to do something like that to her… I should provide her the support she needs, but… Am I really able to do anything about it? Even if she can return the feelings I have for her, who is to say that she would want a relationship? Maybe it's easier if we're just good friends… I can't imagine what's gone through her head since last night. I was an idiot to jump to conclusions like that… Damnit.'

Ever so slowly, the door to his bedroom began to slide open. Taking a page out of his days in Misato's apartment, he quickly rolled onto his side and closed his eyes. He listened as she did her best to silently enter his room and slide the door closed behind her. Shinji was more preoccupied with trying to figure out her movements through sound rather than determining a reason for her actions.

Asuka's footsteps padded to his futon, where she paused for a moment and took a deep breath. Shinji felt her lie down and gently pull the covers over her. She pushed herself closer to his back and wrapped an arm around his chest. Both of them considered waking the other and saying something romantic… but nothing much came to mind. They fell asleep together, finally able to leave behind the pain that the day had brought to them.

---

Asuka awoke at noon the next day. Shinji was already gone at school, of course.

'I didn't realize I was so tired. I guess being under such stress all day was rough…'

She yawned and stretched her arms over her head. Asuka knew that she had told Shinji something she had promised herself that she would never tell anyone else, but she didn't feel any regret. She knew that things wouldn't be the same after what happened, but maybe that was a good thing. It was better that Shinji knew.

A faint smile crossed Asuka's face when she found a prepared lunch sitting on the kitchen table. 'Just nuke it for 25 seconds,' the note said. She did just that, but as she noticed something on the other side of the note as the microwave ran.

'I'm so sorry, Asuka. I didn't know.'

'All that idiot ever says is sorry… Well, I guess this time it's OK.'

---

Shinji arrived home from work just after sunset. For once he had been able to work a short shift rather than working all night. "I'm home, Asuka!" he said in a happy tone. There was no response. He decided she must have been napping or something and began to look for her. She was not in the kitchen… not the living room… not the bathroom… not his bedroom…

She wasn't in the apartment.

'I guess she might have gone out… After all, it's unusual for me to be home this early.'

That thought was dashed to pieces as he returned to his living room. It was an absolute wreck; granted, he was no clean freak, but it hadn't been nearly a messy the night before. Newspapers and magazines were strewn all over the place, and a broken cup was on the ground next to the couch. Shinji spied an odd light source under the couch and grabbed it.

It was a cell phone- Asuka's, he assumed. It was still open and connected to her voice mailbox. He pressed the number to retrieve the last received voice mail and held it to his ear.

"Asuka, you are coming back with me no matter what. That kid had better be gone when I get there. If you try to fight me, you know what'll happen. If you run away again, you know I'll find you. You're mine."

Shinji dropped the phone, his eyes wide. That voice, so full of malice and hate… was the guy from last night. He panicked, running around the room, as he wondered what to do. Finally, he picked up his own phone and dialed. "Misato, that favor I asked," he quickly said before his former guardian could speak up. "No I need his address now."

After the call was over, Shinji ran back to his room. He reached into the back of his closet and pulled out a black box. He fumbled on his keychain for a moment before finding the right one and unlocking the box. Inside was the blue titanium of the SiG-Sauer Misato had given him. Of course it was extremely illegal for him to have a gun in his possession, but Misato had assured him that he would be considered a part of NERV- and thus above Japanese law- if he were to be arrested.

He loaded the magazine and pushed it into the weapon. Shinji felt the same jitters he always used to feel when he got into the EVA. That incredible sense of powerlessness, the horrible fright, and the looming sensation of danger…

Shinji swallowed hard as he left his apartment, the gun buried under some random groceries he'd gathered and put into a plastic bag. Within minutes he hopped onto a train that was going out of Tokyo-3. This was the first time in over a year that he had left the city, and he wished it was for a more enjoyable reason.

'I know I won't need this gun, but… To get Asuka out of that situation, to make sure that she's safe… I'll do anything.'

End of chapter 7.

Author's note: Riding the wave of inspiration from chapter 6, here (in rather short order) is chapter 7. Not a whole lot really happens, except leading into chapter 8, which will be the finale. I wrote this rather quickly, so I hope it isn't too horrible.