Back again! I apologize in advance for how short and uneventful this chapter is but it's setting us up for some MAJOR events. Please read on!

Chapter 7

Heavy

Kaoru stared at the far wall of the dojo, her eyes not necessarily focused on any one thing. She really should be watching Yahiko to make sure he was performing his kata correctly but she just couldn't manage to observe him for any extended period of time without becoming engrossed in her own thoughts again. Lately her mind was so weighed down with thoughts she wondered how she could even stand to keep her head up. The past few days had been relatively calm. Kenshin didn't seem at all affected by what had happened outside of the dojo a few days ago, she still trained Yahiko even though she was a little distracted. If the boy had noticed he made no mention of it.

Things were pretty much back to normal… except Sano was never home during the day anymore. He would be gone long before she ever rose from bed, he would return late in the evening looking tired and completely filthy. He was still the same old Sano but he seemed a little more subdued these past few days. He would take his bath, eat, and head directly to his room after thanking Kenshin for dinner. Yes, he actually thankedsomeone for something! It was just weird!

Sano had barely spoken to her since their little incident and that hurt her more than she was willing to truly admit. She wondered if he were still angry with her. She did tease him quite a bit after all… not to mention the fact that she smashed his foot. She winced at the memory. Still, if he was still angry he certainly would have let her know though, wouldn't he? She didn't like the idea that he might be distancing himself from her. She also found it suspect that he didn't let her know what he was doing during his days away from the dojo. Usually, he would let her know where he was headed to or at least mention where he had been. If she didn't know any better she would think he was hiding something. That made her angry, where was he going? What could he possibly have to hide from her? Sano, if no one else, was someone she could count on to tell her the truth about everything, why would he take to deceiving her now? She wondered if he possibly started working as a fighter for hire again, she didn't like that idea one bit but he wasn't coming home with any fresh injuries…

"Oi! Busu! Earth to Kaoru! HEY! Pay attention to me!" Yahiko yelled in her face, waving his arms around dramatically to catch her attention.

"Huh? I'm sorry Yahiko, what were you saying?" she asked in the same distracted tone she had carried all week.

Yahiko sighed loudly but made a conscious decision not to roll his eyes, which at the moment was exceedingly difficult. Something was bothering Kaoru and he knew it. Several times throughout their training session he'd had to pull her from her day dreaming and she hadn't even reacted to any of the insults he had thrown her way. She was preoccupied and Yahiko knew that made her all the more dangerous and unpredictable. One wrong move and he could end up with his arm in a sling, a broken leg, a black eye, and who knows what other kind of damage her bokken could evoke in her perturbed state. Best to play it safe and not draw attention to the fact that he knew something was wrong. If he could just get through his lessons today he could run over to the Akabeko and help Tsubame and Tae-san out for the rest of the day. He wasn't scheduled there today, in fact it was his day off, but with the way Kaoru was acting he didn't want to stick around the dojo and find out what her problem was. As Yahiko got older he gained very important bits of wisdom and one was to avoid women at certain times of the month, he assumed this was one of those times for Kaoru.

After another half an hour of unsuccessfully trying to teach her lesson to the young boy she told him he could have the rest of the afternoon off. Yahiko didn't argue with this decision, running off as fast as he could before she could change her mind and give him chores to do… or worse… tell him her problems. He shuddered as he went to his room for a quick change before he headed off to see Tsubame.

Kaoru walked through the empty dojo, dusting here and there, tidying up she tried to keep her mind occupied. But, as it had the entire week, it began to wander. Her heartbeat began to pick up its pace, her breathing became a little more labored as she thought about what she would be doing in two evenings. In two days it would be Kenshin's birthday. She would give him the present she had gotten for him and then, with any luck, she would be able to give him her heart and he would accept. She was so nervous and edgy, it would be any wonder if she could even get the words out of her mouth to tell him how she felt. She prayed every evening that it would turn out the way she wanted it to. She needed to tell Kenshin how she felt and she wanted him to say he felt the same way. This was a major turning point in their relationship. Kaoru would be taking it to a different level, she knew. The question was whether or not the relationship could make it to that new level.

"Kaoru-dono" Kenshin called, poking his head in through the doorway of the dojo.

Kaoru turned around so swiftly she very nearly lost her footing, her hand flew up to her chest and she tried to regain her composure. Kenshin could move absolutely silently when he wanted to.

"Kaoru-dono! Are you alright? This one didn't mean to frighten you, that I did not." He apologized, walking over to her he placed a soothing hand on her shoulder.

"You didn't scare me Kenshin. I was just a little surprised, is all. I didn't hear you come in"

"My apologies, Kaoru-dono. There is something I need to tell you, that I do. Would you mind if I took a few moments of your time?" He asked her as he folded himself onto the dojo floor, he patted the space next to him, inviting her to join.

Her heart picked up its accelerated pace once again. It must have been important if he sought her out to speak with her. She looked around for a moment, surveying the dojo. It was completely quiet. Kenshin had waited until they had been alone together before he had come to speak with her. She sat down next to him, swallowing loudly and turned her questioning blue eyes to meet with his gentle amethyst. What could he possibly need to discuss with her? She was full of anxious anticipation as she asked him.

"Of course, Kenshin. What is it?" she implored with her eyes.

"Kaoru-dono, this is something I've been meaning to tell you for some time. I think it's about time that you knew, that I do." He began, cautiously. His gaze was moving back and forth between her face and the sign that stated Kamiya Kaoru as the master of the dojo on the wall behind her. He wrung his hands in front of him.

"Yes, Kenshin…" she managed to squeak out. Her heart was beating so fast she wouldn't be surprised if it either pounded out of her chest or stopped completely. This couldn't be what she thought it was, could it? She had thought she would be the one to bring about this conversation, but here Kenshin was, about to tell her what she hoped she wanted to hear most.

"Kaoru-dono… this one… I…" he tried again, struggling with the words he wanted to say. He cast his gaze to the ceiling, begging Kami to help him find a way to break this news to Kaoru without getting himself pummeled to death by the young woman.

The excitement and anxiety was almost too much for her to bear and it took every ounce of self control Kaoru had not to reach out and violently shake Kenshin until he spit out what he was trying to say.

Kenshin cleared his throat as he returned his eyes to hers and he took on a serious air as he broke the news to her. "I spoke with the police chief a few months ago. There is a mission that they need my assistance with, that they do. I've been meaning to tell you for quite some time and I wanted you to be the first to know. I just didn't know how to go about telling you. I didn't want to worry you."

Kaoru felt her heart sink as she tried in vain to wrap her head around what he had just told her. Those were not the words she had expected to hear and she was angry with herself for ever thinking it could have been anything different. She felt extremely embarrassed, though no one had known what she had been thinking. Kenshin was not here to confess his feelings for her and she scoffed mentally at herself. Her mind had been so preoccupied with the notion for days now so she had incorrectly assumed that was what he wanted to talk about. She had incorrectly read his anxiety at telling her of his departure for something else.

'Of course he didn't come here to tell you he loves you, stupid… Why would a man like Kenshin ever love a violent little girl like me?' she thought bitterly to herself. She bit the inside of her cheek as hard as she could without drawing blood to try to hold back the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes.

She listened half-heartedly as he continued on with details she didn't particularly care to hear. There were only a two things she needed to know now.

"How long?" she asked in as level a tone as she could manage.

He blinked a few times when she cut into a speech he had been practicing the past few weeks with a question of her own. "I'm sorry Kaoru-dono. What?" He asked, slightly ashamed that he had not been paying enough attention to her to hear the question when she first stated it.

"How long will you be gone, Kenshin?" she asked again, her voice sounded considerably more strained this time. She still held a steady gaze with him as she spoke.

A pregnant pause passed before he honestly answered "….I don't know". For a moment, he debated on whether or not to elaborate on the situation. Kaoru had a right to know what was happening after all and he didn't want her to worry needlessly over him for who knew how long.

"This won't be like other tasks I've taken on in the past, Kaoru-dono. The situation, however, is something that I am partially responsible for. You see, once Enishi disappeared after our fight at his compound, his second in command, Woo Heishin took over the syndicate before it was able to spiral out of control. Police Chief Uramura and his colleagues discovered that he is now using the organization to bring more illegal fire arms and weaponry into Japan, for what, we do not know but we're certain that once they reach the country it would be devastating. It would not be so bad if the trouble was localized here in Japan, however, Enishi had business relations with arms dealers all over the world so it's possible I may not even be staying in Japan for much longer. I will have to travel from country to country to shut down the operations of those contacts that Heishin is now using in order to effectively dry up the flow of illegal arms. I can't help but feel somewhat responsible for this situation. If it weren't for my past, Enishi would have never become what he was and the syndicate would not exist, but because it does I will go to fight to protect Japan and those I hold dear." He finished, looking at her he tried to gauge her reaction but she just looked back at him stoically. If it weren't for the slightly pinched appearance of her features he would have thought she was completely unaffected by this news.

"I understand, Kenshin. Though I don't believe you are responsible for this circumstance, I know you will go to stop it, and I know you will succeed. All I will ask of you is to please be careful, take care of yourself, and write when you can." She whispered, unable and unwilling to speak louder, lest she shatter her fragile emotions further.

A glint of sadness touched Kenshin's eyes as he looked at the woman he cared so deeply for. He was hurting her, again. Though she said she understood, and he knew she did, he had heard the pain in her voice. He could see how her eyes shimmered with unshed tears, and his heart broke for her and once again his thoughts flickered to his constant internal debate. Though he loved Kaoru, he could not be with her. The sins of his past would forever keep them apart.

He knew that if he gave her what she wanted, if he chose to accept her love and allow her to share his life with him, there would be countless moments like this one. Kenshin would have to tell her that he was leaving on another assignment or mission, she would try to be brave and hold back the tears for him, and he would leave. He knew she would let him go. Every time, without complaint but what sort of life was that for her? She would have to endure months on end alone without knowing whether or not her husband would come back to her. He couldn't always rely on Sanosuke and Yahiko to take care of his wife for him. That wouldn't be fair to anyone.

And what if they ever had children? He wanted to believe that he would be able to stay and build a life with her, to put down his sword and rest. But deep in his heart he knew, until his dying breath, he would do the work that he had promised to Tomoe. He would continue to aid and comfort those throughout Japan that needed him to repent for the offenses of his past.

As much as he loved her and wanted to be with her, he knew it could never be. He would be more of a burden to her life and knowing that, but still taking her as his wife, would be selfish. Kenshin was not an innocent, he couldn't believe that love would conquer all the way Kaoru could because in reality, it couldn't. He also knew that he didn't even deserve her after the life he had lived. He was unworthy of someone so vibrant, beautiful, and loving. His life had no place for love any longer. Any hint of innocence he had possessed died the day he picked up his sword to kill for the Ishin Shishi. Any chance he'd had to deserve everlasting love died that day in the snow with Tomoe. Kenshin had his chance long ago and he had ruined it in a flurry of violence and blood. Though the opportunity for happiness presented itself again, he knew he was undeserving of it.

Besides, if Kenshin were truly being honest with himself, he knew he wasn't over Tomoe. He never would be. She had shown him the path to salvation, opened his eyes to a way of living he would have never seen on his own and for that he would be forever indebted to her.

Kaoru would be better off with someone else. Someone who wouldn't always abandon her, someone that could love her, protect and cherish her.

'Someone like Sano…' he thought absently.

'Wait, what?' Had he really just thought that? True, Sanosuke was one of the most reliable and loyal people he knew, excusing his laziness. He was strong enough so he could certainly protect her and although Kenshin was loathe to admit it, the man did indeed love Kaoru.

He was shaken from his inner contemplations when Kaoru moved to stand, straightening out her kimono as she rose. With her back turned to him she asked when he would be leaving.

"This one will be leaving in two days time, that I will. They have asked that when I leave, I travel on foot, at night to avoid detection from our opponents. We don't know what sort of spies or informants they may have employed but we can never be too careful. I do not know when exactly I shall return, that I do not…" He told her. She said nothing to this as she continued to stand, her back facing him.

Kenshin stood and reached out a hand, placing it gently on the young woman's shoulder.

"I'm sorry Kaoru-dono."

"Don't apologize, Kenshin. I understand. If you'll excuse me I have a few things to attend to." She said, dislodging herself from his touch she walked out the door, through the still courtyard, continuing on through the gates until he could no longer see her retreating form.

Kenshin sighed heavily. He knew she was going to be upset when he told her that he would be leaving but it was always difficult to see her so upset. When he touched her he had felt her body shaking with the strength she was exerting to keep herself from falling apart. It had been so long since he last had to leave her. Not since Shishio had he voluntarily left their home so he knew it would be hard for her to take.

He would not go after her though. He knew she needed time to come to terms with the situation and he would grant her that.

He closed his eyes and listened as the wind rustled the leaves on the trees, in the distance he could hear the wind chimes on the far side of the house. When he did leave he would miss this.

A place to call home.

Kenshin really needs to stop almost giving Kaoru heart attacks.

I apologize for how uneventful and short this chapter is. Also, for the lack of Kaoru and Sano action but don't worry, the next installment will bring us a few moments of fluff from our favorite little alternate pairing, so just bear with me until then!