I would like to say I was a natural at being a vampire.

I wasn't.

Carlisle swore it was that way for all new vampires but it didn't help me. I had little or no natural blood lust, it was an all or nothing thing for me. Either they ALL had to hold me back or I was NOTHING to worry about.

I can laugh at it now, now that things are less serious but it was very much a problem at the time. Very much.

That was the worst of my flaws. But it was not the only one. I was constantly committing little errors, faux pas if you will. Now that I'm more 'mature' I almost never mess up but back then …well I was anything but lady grace.

One example sticks out in my mind among the rest.

Every woman has a way of nourishing her frustrated maternal instincts. Some care for younger siblings, some put the love and care into hobbies or keeping house. Not me. I just had to have some small, living thing that depended on me and only me. The idea of a vampire child was never even a thought that entered my mind, in fact it repulsed me. That was one faux pas I would never commit.

So, I brought home a puppy.

I know. Say it with me now…Bad Idea Esme.

I can still remember the look on Carlisle's face when I walked through the door with that little squirming, furry bundle. He was beyond flustered. I didn't blame him.

" Esme…" he said, " What in heaven's name is THAT?"

I held the puppy up to look at him, it was a shepherd mix with one blue eye and one brown and it was practically flirting with Carlisle. " It's a puppy." I said, not getting his point. " The woman at the shop said she was going to drown him. Can you believe how cruel people can be? Just because he's different." I kissed its head and Carlisle put a hand to his forehead.

"Esme…I understand your empathy. But, did you think this through? If not, please take a moment to do so now. "

I did, it didn't make a difference.

"Oh Carlisle, sweety! Just look at him! I know it's against the rules but it is just a puppy."

"Esme, you know why we have the rules right? I'm sorry but there's just no easy way to put this…don't play with your food."

He was making a point. But it sounded so funny I couldn't help but laugh, Carlisle glowered.

"This is serious Esme! I mean look at that thing! It's cute now but once the blood lust kicks in.."

" I would never eat a puppy! You either!"

Carlisle sighed then, his eyes softening. " You're right..we're civilized vampires, we can show a little self restraint I'm sure. " Carlisle eyed the puppy where it lay in a soft, furry pile on the velvet couch, then he smiled. " Look at that face, he looks like God got drunk."

"Be nice to him!" I said, " Poor little Odd ball!"

Carlisle laughed, " Well, now he has a name. Hear that Oddball? You're a vampire dog now..god help us all."

I kissed his cheek, "How bad can it be?"

At that moment Edward came around the corner and with that crooked smile on his lips feinted a look of excitement.

"Excellent! Esme brought home snacks!"

I have never seen Carlisle move so quickly, even for a vampire it was fast. But thankfully not as fast as Edward who was sitting at the top of the neighboring roof before Carlisle managed to catch up. I can remember settling down on the sofa with Oddball, after I'd finished laughing. " Well, little one." I said, " Welcome to one crazy family."

Not all my slip ups were so humorous. Before I learned the rules I embarrassed myself and Carlisle on many occasions. Fortunately my mistakes were minor and Carlisle was very understanding. Edward too, though he often teased me good naturedly about them.

But one mistake was no laughing matter. To this day it and its consequences haunt me, if I could dream I know it would be haunted by them. Like so many things it all started with a good intention.

Carlisle had warned me, I could never blame him for my bad judgement. But I grew tired of having to travel once a month to feed and all it entailed. I grew sullen and sad about living off of living things even though Carlisle tried to reassure me as always. His words were growing old and I was tired of feeling like a monster. To me giving into that horrible hunger I had was like allowing myself to become evil, I hated it.

So I decided to live dangerously…so to speak. I did the worst possible thing I could have done to solve the problem…I denied my craving.

The first time I refused to go on the monthly hunt, Carlisle took it well. He tried to persuade me, but when I persisted he grew angry and we argued.

"Esme, I warned you about this, how can you be so irresponsible?"

"I'm tired of killing, Carlisle..just this month. I'll hunt next month. I can fight it, I know I can!"

"Esme, it's in your nature..you can't fight your nature it's not possible! Do you want another Denali? Is that what you want on your conscience?"

"My heart is stronger than my nature! This won't be like Denali! I'm not going Carlisle, if you try to make me I'll hate you for it."

Carlisle looked at me anger in his eyes, it was the first time I'd ever seen him look at me that way. It broke my heart, but it had become a matter of principle.

"If you jeopardize this family because of your own selfish needs, I'll hate YOU for it."

I glared at him and walked into the house slamming the door.

Later I got a cell phone call, it was Carlisle sounding contrite. We talked and apologized and I swore I would go with them the next time. It seemed the issue was over.

A month passed and though it was hard I managed to keep control of my lust. I was very proud of myself as we went to hunt. All seemed to be well. Until I just had to push things further.

If I could do one month, why not two? I kept it a secret from Carlisle as long as I could, hunting on my own, taking just enough blood so my eyes would not change. But it was never enough to satisfy , I was a ticking time bomb and I didn't even know it.

Carlisle and I were invited to a formal function, a physicians convention to be held in New York. It was a beautiful event, lavish dinners and elegant balls. Some families brought their children. One little girl in particular, Charlotte, took a shine to me. She was a beautiful child, dark curly hair to her shoulders and sapphire blue eyes. I adored her. She was the worst thing for me.

It didn't hit me at first, my maternal instinct covered over the lust for blood. But one night, at one of the balls little Charlotte ran up to me. I lifted her into my arms and I knew. Things were changing, the very smell of her blood made the venom in my mouth flow and I began to view her not as the adorable little human child she was. But as prey, delectable and tempting as the finest wine. I sent the child away, she left confused.

The child was not one to give up, finally I gave in to her angelic pout and sad eyes and let her sit with me while we watched the other couples dance. She looked up at me at one point and said in her soft voice. " Aunty Esme, your eyes are funny."

All the better to see you with my dear. I thought with a shudder.

" It's because it's dark." I said, the little girl smiled rubbing her eyes.

"I'm tired."

"Well, lean against me and you can sleep."

The child did so and I began crooning a lullabye. The smell of her sweet, unadulterated blood made my head spin and my hunger grew until I thought I'd burst with it. I bit my lip, feeling the sweat begin to pool under my dress. I continued to croon and suddenly it was like I was in a dream, Unable to stop my actions. I bent forward ever so gently and put my lips to the little neck. Then I bit her.

Charlotte's scream brought me to my senses I withdrew covering my face with my napkin. Charlotte bolted off my lap and into her mother's arms. Immeadiately there was chaos. Carlisle ran to my side, taking my shoulder almost roughly.

"Esme, what have you done?"

"I didn't mean to! Is she all right? I couldn't help myself! I…"

" Quiet! Let me do the talking…"

Carlisle apologized to the couple, he invented a story of how I was "Unstable" that I'd been in and out of hospitals and it was thought I was cured that this must have been a relapse then he excuse himself taking me back to our room. I was frozen with shock and horror, tears filling my eyes. Carlisle turned on me once we went into the room.

"You've been lying to me!"

"I thought I could handle it…I didn't want you to hate me, that's why I lied! I never thought..Carlisle please, please don't hate me!"

" You could have killed that child! How am I supposed to trust you Esme if you do things like this? Behind my back! With no concern for…"

He stopped I was sobbing now, my face in my hands. I was trembling with remorse for what I'd done and what I might have done. Carlisle sat down beside me, sighing deeply. His hand slipped over my own and when he spoke it was gentle.

"I forgive you Esme, Mistakes happen. What angers me is you ignored the rules, you risked all of us."

I looked up at him. " I know. I'm sorry…I promise you it won't happen again."

His arm went around my shoulders, but I moved away.

" Did you ever think Carlisle that perhaps you made the wrong decision concerning me?"

Carlisle turned to look at me, confusion in his face.

"Esme, how could you think that?"

" I'm not like you and Edward, I make mistakes…dangerous mistakes. I..I don't think I'm strong enough to be a vampire. I'm not so sure I can live like this."

Carlisle put his hands on my shoulders. " This was an accident, a bad decision, it could have happened to any of us."

"I know …I'm sorry. I'm just upset."

I was lying again but he didn't know it. It was for his sake, I reasoned. He would forgive me.

Carlisle embraced me. " Esme, I love you. I never once, not for a moment, regretted taking you into my life. Please, remember that."

I nodded, pressing my cheek into his shoulder. But I felt empty inside, flawed. Evil.

I knew this was anything but over.