Chapter 7

PPOV

That first night was a rough one. Bella was exhausted but she kept waking up. Insomnia was part of the whole thing though, I guess. I had stayed with her for most of the morning before I had to go take my patrol. I didn't want to piss Jake off so I had to make sure I didn't miss any more because I was with Bella.

While I was out there that first day I had let my mind wander. It was killing me, not knowing what had gone down in the last four years. I mean, before she left I hadn't really hated her. I guess you could call my feelings toward her indifferent. She was friends with Jake, so she was friends with the pack by default. Granted, most of the shit my pack had been through was because of her, but there was nothing anybody could do to change any of that now. She had wrapped us all up in this world the moment she got a crush on Edward Cullen. Actually, Edward had wrapped her up in it when he decided to reciprocate. And then she had been stupid enough to fall in love with him and marry the fucker. I guess it really is true what they say though. You can't help who you love.

We were still on semi-alert. None of us thought that Bella would be stupid enough to come home if there was any kind of risk involved. If anything, the girl was pretty selfless. But then, breaking Jacob the way she did was the most selfish thing she could have ever done. God, a person could make themselves crazy going around the circles of Bella Swan's mind.

The rest of the week passed by much the same way. I would spend time with Bella, making sure she wasn't slipping into her old habit, then run my patrols in the afternoon. We hadn't picked up on any threats, so we were still running one-man patrols. One of the advantages to being what I guess you could call a "senior" wolf in the pack was that I didn't get stuck with the shitty midnight or early morning patrols anymore. Unless of course, I fucked up really bad.

Bella was really doing better than I thought. I knew she hadn't totally kicked her dependance, but she was making steps in the right direction. I could tell most days she just wanted to crawl right out of her skin, but she was getting by. We talked a little bit, mostly about mundane, everyday stuff, but she avoided the subject of the Cullens, of vampires in general, like the plague. She wasn't all that bad to shoot the shit with either. She had a fucked up sense of humor and was quick with the come-backs if I started picking on her a little too much. I was trying to give her some sense of normalcy. Somewhere along the line I had taken her and her drug problem up as my responsibility. I wanted to see her get better. She was capable of so much if she could just stay clean.

"What do you mean, if she could just stay clean? Paul, what the hell are you talking about?"

Oh, shit a brick. I'm dead. Bella didn't want anyone but me and Charlie to know right now. But, fuck, there was my alpha, phased in and following everyone of my thoughts. And he was pissed.

"Jake, calm down a second." I was trying to get him to not take off for Forks and, well, I don't know what he'd do.

"What do you mean, 'her drug problem'? Paul, you better start giving me answers!" Now, Jake wasn't one to abuse the whole alpha-voice thing, but I knew if I kept it from him, eventually I wouldn't have a choice.

"Damn right, you won't have a choice. What the hell is going on?"

That first night at Bella's played through my mind like a movie on fast forward. Jake had been running towards me and stopped in his tracks when I got to the part about the Cullen's being dead. He replayed the whole thing in his own mind, dropping to the ground and whimpering when he got to the needle marks and the scars on her wrists.

"So that's what you've been doing this week, huh? I have to say Paul, I'm kind of uh, proud of you?"

"Jeez, thanks boss." Ah, the confidence from my alpha always astounded me. I mean, seriously, I wasn't the fuck up that everyone thought I was. I just preferred to let them all think that so I could fly under the radar. Pretty smart, if you ask me.

"God, I really want to go see her, but I don't know. I don't know if I can look at her knowing the hell she put me and her dad through. I don't know if I can get through a conversation with her without phasing. But, I really missed her, ya know? In spite of Willow."

I thought about this for a minute. She had only mentioned him once or twice, but I knew she wanted to see Jake too. She knew she had a lot of making up and kissing up to do if she wanted to stay in Forks without being miserable. But I also knew it wasn't just about apologizing. She missed her friend.

"Jake, you need to talk to her. Not an interrogation about the past four years, but at least just, I don't know, reconnect or something. Start small, start something. I think she needs that. She's only had me and Charlie since she's been back." I started to formulate a plan in my head and did my best to keep it hidden.

"Well, I already talked to the elders about her. They are trusting me to 'deal with the situation' however I see fit. Doesn't sound like there's much to deal with anymore."

"No, Jake, there's not. Come on. Let's head over there. I know you've been wanting to talk to her and, even if she's too stubborn to admit it, I know she wants to see you. I'll be there in case things get out of hand. If they go really well I'll take my ass out of there and you guys can talk. There's a lot she still needs to know, boss."

I could see he agreed with me. I hadn't said a word to her about Jake being with someone. Just like it wasn't my place to tell anyone about Bella's problems. I nudged my alpha with my nose and got him to stand up. Without another word, we took off towards Forks and were in the woods outside Bella's house before we knew it. We had decided that I would go in first and see what kind of day she was having, then I'd let her know that Jake was waiting outside. Instinctively, I sniffed the air for vampires and, finding none, I knocked on the door and let myself into the house.

The sight in front of me would have made the old Paul bust up laughing. But this was just really kind of sad. I knew Bella was bored and trying to keep herself as busy as she could but, this was a little ridiculous.

"Um, Bella? Did you uh, wash this whole carpet by hand? I'm no Heloise, but you do know they have machines for that, right?" She was on her hands and knees right now in the living room, just about to make her way into the kitchen. She had a bucket of soapy water on one side, a bucket of clean water on the other, and only about a one foot strip of carpet left. She was scrubbing the damn thing like her life depended on it, then wiping it down with the clean water.

"Yes, I did. It needed it. Jeez, I swear Charlie doesn't know how to operate a vacuum cleaner." I shook my head and crouched down beside her.

"So, what kind of day is it today?" She had taken to classifying her days as either good or bad. Good days, she was able to function. Bad days, she was a jumpy, teary mess. Scrubbing carpets? I couldn't quite figure out what category that fell into.

"Today, my furry little friend, is a good day. Look at this, I accomplished something. Oh! And did you see the kitchen? Damn thing sparkles again." She had such a look of pride on her face that I really didn't want to burst her bubble and start laughing. She had gone back to scrubbing. She needed this, needed to feel a sense of purpose again. I was even getting ready to approach the subject of her maybe starting to job hunt one of these days. But it made my heart fall into my stomach knowing the news I was about to break to her.

"Bella, there's someone outside who wants to see you." Her scrubbing stopped. She stayed there, stooped over her scrub brush, appearing perfectly calm, and asked, "Who?"

"Jake." I waited for a minute. She sat back on her calves and was fiddling with the brush.

"Why?" She didn't sound upset, just, blank. I knew she was probably thinking he wanted her explanation now, but I reassure her that wasn't the case. I told her he only wanted to check in on her and then rehashed the whole embarrassing slip I had made when he phased in and caught me by surprise. I just sat there and waited for her answer.

"So he knows? He knows everything?" Bella turned slowly towards me. That dull look had come across her face again.

"Ya, he knows. There's no judgement, no anger, he just wants to see you. I told him to keep the interrogation out of it for now. But, I think you know as well as I do that you kind of miss him. And, I'll stay if you want me to. If you want me to leave, I will. It's your call."

She sat silently for a moment, still fidgeting with the brush. She blew a stray hair away from her eyes and said, "Could you stay? At least for a little bit?" She trusted me. I had seen her at her lowest and now she trusted me. She wasn't pissed that I had slipped. She wasn't pissed that Jacob was waiting outside her door. I really hoped that this little reunion went well.

"Absolutely. If things go well and you want me to leave, I can do that too. Hell, I'm supposed to be on patrol right now, so he'll probably push me out the door anyway." I let out a small laugh and she snorted back at me.

"Okay, send him in." She got up off the floor and made her way into the kitchen to wash up a bit. I had opened the door and motioned for Jake to come inside.

BPOV

I turned around when I heard the door open and there he was. My Jacob, my sun. Only, he wasn't my Jacob anymore. While physically, he didn't look any older, his eyes just had a much older look to them. They weren't the eyes of my Jacob anymore. What had I done by leaving him? What had I done by marrying Edward despite him pleading, begging me not to? What had he seen since I had been away? I didn't really know how to start this off. It had been four years and I knew there had to be some anger there, buried under the calm facade. I couldn't beat around the bush. I couldn't pretend that I hadn't hurt him. I couldn't hide behind idle conversation. I knew what I needed to do.

"Sorry doesn't even begin to cover it, I know. But I am. And I'm glad you're here."

I waited. Jake was as still as a statue, his face still giving away nothing. Paul stood quietly off to his right, waiting to jump in if Jacob flew off the handle. I didn't know a lot of things anymore, but I still knew deep down that Jacob would never hurt me, physically at least.

Finally, a break. Jacob let out a breath and replied, "No, it doesn't. I'm glad you can understand that. I'm just... wow, you're really here." He was still in disbelief. I know he thought I had been changed soon after my wedding.

"Ya, I'm here. In one piece, too, amazingly enough." I stayed in my place, leaning against the counter and he stayed in his place, just inside the door. It wasn't supposed to be like this. The awkwardness of the moment was killing me and if I didn't do something soon, who knows how long we'd end up standing here.

"Do you guys want something to drink? Something to eat?" Jake and Paul looked at each other. They seemed to be having a silent conversation. Paul gave me a look that said 'are you okay?' I nodded to him and he said, "Well, I'm gonna leave you guys to it. Gotta get back out on my patrol, right boss?"

Jake said something but I couldn't really be sure what it was. I hated when creatures spoke too low for me to hear like that. It freaked me out to end. But, I wasn't in that place anymore. I was in Charlie's house and I reminded myself that it was safe here. Paul left and it was just me and Jacob. I motioned for him to sit down in one of the kitchen chairs and then grabbed a couple sodas out of the fridge. I sat down across the table from him. I didn't want to get too close. I didn't want him to think I expected anything. Four years is a long time and I had a feeling that he hadn't been lonely for all of them.

We sat there for another few minutes of silence. This was friggin ridiculous. I decided to use a brilliant opener, "So..."

He looked up from his soda can, raised his eyebrow, and replied, "So, um, besides everything, um, you know, uh, how have you been?"

I really didn't want him to start with that question. Mostly because I didn't know how to answer it. Well, I did, but I didn't think it was anything he wanted to hear right this second and I sure as hell knew I didn't want to talk about it this second.

"Honestly, Jake, I've been a mess. A lot's happened."

"I know, Paul told me and uh, I'm sorry for your loss."

"Paul doesn't know the half of it," I murmured, staring at the table. My eyes pricked with tears that I thought I was finished shedding. Of course, I had probably told myself I was done crying over them while I was stoned out of my gourd, but nonetheless, I didn't want to cry over them anymore. Especially in front of Jake. He didn't deserve that.

"There's more? Look, I don't want to talk about them anymore than you probably do right now, but Bella, I know you loved them. I know it must have been hard losing them. But this, Bella?" He reached across the table and shoved the sleeves of my sweatshirt up. I didn't have his super werewolf healing abilities, so there were still faint needle marks on my arm and a little bruising. His hand moved down from my bicep, where it was holding up my sweatshirt, to the scars at my wrists. He turned my arm over and back again, his eyes wide with confusion.

"I didn't try to kill myself Jake." He needed at least that reassurance. But he really couldn't fathom where those scars came from. He couldn't understand right now that there were many, many more that he just couldn't see.

"Bells, these go all the way around your wrist. What the hell happened to you?" I shook my head. I didn't want to go there right now and I told him so.

"Look, eventually, it will all come out. I know that, Jake. But not now. You won't be able to understand this, but Paul, he was there for me at my worst. Shocking, I know, but he was. If anything I think he deserves the whole story before anyone else, or at least to be here when I have to relive that fucking nightmare again. Because, that's all the last four years have been, is a fucking-with-a-capital-F nightmare." I was shaking again. I pulled down my sleeves and started rubbing my arms furiously to try to stop it. I needed to get control of myself. Why hadn't I made Paul stay?

Jake looked like he was lost. I'm sure he could see that this had stirred something up and he had no clue how to deal with it. But, I couldn't dig myself into a hole and hide anymore. I had to face things, it was one of the things Paul had been trying to get me to understand all week. Well, no time like the present to start trying I guess.

Jake grabbed one of my hands across the table and asked, "Are you safe?"

I knew what he was really getting at. What he really meant to say was, 'are we all safe.' I knew we were. At least, I hoped so. I had been given a promise and I could only hope they held up their end of the bargain.

"Ya, pretty much. Let's just say I've done my time in hell and leave it at that for now. Please, Jake?"

He took a deep breath and let it out in a huff and said, "You're not going to give me a choice for now anyway, are you? But that's one of the things I wanted to talk to you about. We're having a bonfire tomorrow. I would really like you to be there. The rest of the pack doesn't know anything about all of this and, well, I think they deserve answers as much as I do. I want answers eventually, Bella."

"And you'll get them. Just not today. And not at some tribe bonfire. Those are usually happy occasions, right? Well, my story is nowhere near happy."

"It won't be the tribe, just the pack. The imprints may be there too, I'm not sure yet. Quil and Embry, they haven't said it outright yet, but I know they'd like to see you too. Bella, we fought like hell to save your ass once. I think you owe us."

Nope, this wasn't my Jacob anymore. He was in full-on alpha mode. I couldn't believe he threw Victoria in my face. I knew I wouldn't be able to put this off much longer. I was doing okay, I guess. I sighed, looked up at him and answered, "Alright, I'll be there."

I can't believe I had agreed to it. I knew that when I eventually told Paul, the rest of the pack would see it through his mind. Maybe it would be better if they heard it first hand. There were things I needed to show them anyway. Things that a memory filtered through some supernatural mind link would not do justice to. They needed to know that the last four years of my life had been hell on earth.

"So, tell me what you've been up to. We aren't talking about me right now, so, how's Billy?"

"Billy's doing alright. Same stubborn old man he always was. I check in on him every day. I think he's liking the whole empty nest thing more than he'll admit."

So, there it was. Jake wasn't living at home anymore. An uneasy silence descended on the room. I had to show him that I was strong enough to take this. I knew what the answer to my next question would be.

"You're not living at home anymore? Are you..." I couldn't come out and say it. I was weak after all. He knew what I was getting at though.

"No, I don't. I uh, I have a house just down the road from him. We just built it last year."

"We?" I looked down at my hands. I couldn't look at him. God, I really am pathetic.

"Um, ya, me and Willow." He wasn't going to offer any further information unless I asked. He seemed like he thought I would fall to pieces if I found out. But, in reality, I couldn't be happier for him.

"Is she? I mean, are you..." Dammit, why can't I finish a fucking sentence?

"Bella, we're engaged. Our wedding is actually in two months. Bells, she's my imprint."

And there it was. The phrase that I had been both dreading and looking forward to hearing at the same time. I knew there was someone out there for Jacob. You don't end up being as wonderful as Jacob Black without getting blessed with a soul mate. The universe can be a cruel bitch sometimes, but thank god whoever was running things knew that Jacob deserved to finally be happy. He was staring at his hands, folded on the table, looking nervous. He had nothing to be nervous about.

"I'm happy for you. You deserve to be happy, Jake, and I always knew you would find her."

He looked up at me. Suddenly, all the uncertainty of his youth was back in his eyes. He was holding my gaze and seemed to be searching for something, approval maybe? When he finally spoke again, I was proven wrong.

"Is that why you never, I mean, is that why you wouldn't let us be more than friends? Because of Willow? Because of the risk?"

I'd had plenty of time to think of this back when we began our friendship, back when I learned there was more to the supernatural than just vampires. "Honestly, the risk of you imprinting was a very small part. I don't know how to explain it. You were the best friend I had ever had, even better than Alice. You knew me. You knew everything about me. I know that alone should have been the basis of a strong relationship for us, but what if we had tried and it didn't work out for some reason? If that would have happened, I would have lost my best friend. And I knew that I wouldn't survive that. I needed you like the air that I breathed. And to lose that, well, there's no way I could have. I know the benefits should have outweighed the risk. If I'd had the courage to make that leap, it probably would have been amazing and I would have cherished whatever time we had until you did imprint. But to lose our friendship? I couldn't have done it."

He thought this over for a minute. My reasons for never taking that next step with him had always made sense in my mind, but to try to put them into words didn't always work out so well. He squeezed my hand and replied, "I think I finally understand."

I offered him a reassuring smile and squeezed his hand back. "So, tell me about her." His eyes lit up. I could see how good she was for him. He went on to tell me everything about her, how amazing she was, how she had helped him get over me. That stung a little, I'll admit, but it had to be done. I was just glad he had someone.

"She'd really like to meet you. Do you think that you'd be up for that?" If I wanted Jake back in my life, I knew there was no way I could avoid it. I really didn't want to either. She really did sound like a great person.

"I'd really like that. She sounds amazing." I realized something. My cheeks were a little sore. I had actually been smiling, almost as wide as Jacob while he told me about her. It had been a long time since I had been that happy. It wasn't my own happiness, but it felt good to finally feel happy about something. We spent the rest of the afternoon chatting and laughing. We weren't quite "Jake and Bells" again yet, but we would get there again, I was sure. I was glad we got to do this before tomorrow night. God knows I would need to draw on some of these feelings to get through it.