And you'll be awake
You'll be alert
-Rilo Kiley
When Rick gets his turn and sits down in the chair beside Kate's bed, his foot hits something. He bends down and finds Alexis's book, surprised to see it on the floor. The back cover has a quote from the novel etched in gold, framed by leaves, and as he picks it up, he can't help reading it.
Be with me always- - -take any form- - -drive me mad! only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you!
God. He drops the book and stands up, shaken, hears something under his own thumping heart.
Rick rubs a hand down his face and glances back to the bed, shocked to see movement.
Kate.
"Kate!" He jerks forward, grabs her hand, winces as he knocks into the IV line, leans in close to her. "Kate?"
Her eyes roll under the tape, and Rick chews on his lip, then peels back a piece of the tape slowly. Her body arches up from the bed, and he stops, panicked, and pushes the nurse's call button.
Repeatedly.
Ana, his favorite nurse, runs through the door. She takes one look at Kate and picks up the house phone, shoving at Rick with her free hand. "Out, out!"
"But-"
"I've got to call the doctor and you can't be in here."
"I can't leave!"
"Now!" she growls.
Rick backs up, pauses at the door with his heart in this throat. On the bed, one of Kate's hands jerks, flailing, the tubes tangling, and he thinks she's searching for him. But Ana shoots him a deadly look, and he leaves.
When they let him back in the room, the doctor has taken the tape off her eyes and stands over her, checking them with a light.
"Mr. Castle."
"Dr. Curtis," he says. Jim wasn't in the waiting room when he went back, so it's just him to hear this news. He's afraid. He hates that he's afraid.
"She's coming out of the anesthetic faster than we expected, so I went ahead and wrote down instructions to take her off the vent by tomorrow morning. Should she regain consciousness before that time, call the nurse, and she'll call me. We'll take the tube out then. Keep her calm, tell her not to fight the machine."
He nods, his hands shaking. "So. . .so she's okay?"
"She's doing well. She's stable. If she comes around on her own, then that's very good news. Try to keep her from struggling; we don't want her to pull out the stitches, or try to pull out the tube."
"Okay." He shakes the doctor's hand as he leaves, then glances back to Kate, alone in the room with her now. "Okay."
After three hours, his fear peaks and then drains away, leaving him exhausted and wrung out in the chair. He leaves Alexis's book on the floor and leans in close to Kate's bed, his elbows on the mattress, staring into space.
He feels stupid talking to silence, but feels like he ought to say something else. Something encouraging. Something motivating. Something other than discussing out loud the plot of his next Nikki Heat book, his voice cracking like a fifteen year old. He's a writer, for goodness sake. But he's got nothing.
Taking her hand again, he strokes her fingers, waiting. Just waiting. He's so strung out that it takes him a moment to realize that her fingers are twitching.
He jerks upright, leans in closer to see her face. Her lashes are fluttering, eyes moving under her lids.
"Kate."
He strokes a hand along her cheek, his thumb brushing her chin. And then her body shudders, her hand flops to one side. He gathers it, presses it to the bed; he's practically draped over her. He takes her other hand, careful of the IV, tucks it against his chest.
"Kate?"
Her eyes open, blink so slowly that he wonders if he's imagined it. And then those dark eyes are on him, fuzzy and confused.
"Hey there," he breathes, grinning, squeezing her hands. "I got you. You're okay."
She blinks again, eyelashes lowering, drifting back up, and her eyes roll back. He can't help squeezing her hands again, trying to keep her awake, and her body twitches under his arm.
He presses his lips to her left hand, the one not entangled by tubes, and takes a shaky breath. "Kate."
Her eyes open again. He holds his breath, watching her, hoping. He presses the call button for the nurse. Surely this is awake enough, right?
She blinks, then tries to choke; her eyes go wide, panic settling into the back of those dark orbs. Her hand escapes his grip and smacks into the bedside railing, hard, fumbles for the tube. He captures her hand, tries to shush her. "Hey, hey, Kate. It's okay. The tube is breathing for you; let it breathe for you. Don't fight it." He pushes the nurse call button again. "It's okay, Katie. You're okay."
A keening noise comes from her chest as the machine breathes out for her, something like a wail, something unnatural, and he crouches over her, framing her face with his palms, trapping her hands under his chest. "Oh, Kate, please. Don't fight it, sweetheart. Just let it breathe for you. You're going to hurt yourself."
Ana is at his side now, checking Kate's vitals, pushing Rick away. "Ms. Beckett, you need to stay calm." She flicks her penlight in Kate's eyes, then reaches for the house phone again.
Rick goes around to the other side, determined not to be pushed away again. Kate's throat is working like she's trying swallow, her eyes darting around the room, a tear streaks to her ear. "Kate," he whispers, taking her good hand again in both of his, pressing a kiss to the back of it. "Kate, its okay. You have to let the machine do all the work."
"Dr. Curtis has been paged," Ana says, putting down the beside railing so she can check on the ventilator's tubes. "It will only be a minute."
"Hear that, Kate? Just a minute. You're okay." He places a hand at the side of her face, strokes the sweat-damp hair off her forehead. Her eyes latch on his, pleading. "It's okay. It's okay," he repeats, his voice breaking.
Dr. Curtis comes inside with her chart in hand, makes a note, and then takes a look at the monitors. He looks at Ana. "That was fast. How long has she been awake?"
"A few minutes," Castle answers. "Can you take the tube out?"
Dr. Curtis nods and washes his hands in the sink, then pulls sterile gloves from the box and tugs them on. Ana rehangs the IV and begins messing with the ventilator. Curtis comes to stand beside Kate and gives her a gentle smile. "All right, Ms. Beckett. You're looking much better today. You've got a friend with you, your dad is in the waiting room. Are we ready to take this out?"
Another painful look from Kate that makes Castle's stomach flip. He strokes the skin of her forehead with his fingers.
Curtis is disconnecting tubes as he speaks. "I'm going to have to pull this tube up out of your throat. You'll feel like you're choking for a second, but it's okay. You should start breathing on your own. Don't worry if you can't talk for awhile; your vocal cords could be a little traumatized. But they'll bounce back."
Rick moves his hand as Dr. Curtis takes hold of the tube. His heart pounds.
"All right, you should feel a sharp tug." He jerks the tube and pulls it out, Kate's body rising up with it almost, gagging. "That's it. Cough for me." Kate's chest caves in, spasms, her eyes dart to Castle, mouth open like a fish.
"Breathe Kate."
"You're just fine," Dr. Curtis says soothingly. "You're just fine. Let it go, give in to that feeling of drowning and your body will-"
Kate heaves, chokes violently, both hands darting up to her throat, but Dr. Curtis captures them, presses them back down, and nods. "That's it. That's it."
Her mouth works, her chest works, she sucks in a ragged breath and gasps, coughing weakly. She shakes her head against the pillow, her body writhing as her lungs fight for more oxygen.
Rick crouches over her, stroking her forehead, her cheek, smiling at her. "Hey there."
Kate sucks in a panicky, shallow breath, then a deeper one. Some of the wildness leaves her eyes.
Dr. Curtis takes the chart and makes another notation, then checks the machines. "She looks stable." He flips the chart back and hands it to the nurse, who starts gathering up tubes and tape.
"Is it over?" Rick asks, looking over his shoulder.
"We'll keep a close eye on her, make sure she keeps breathing on her own. She's on some heavy painkillers, which can depress her system, so we'll want to watch it. If she looks like she's in pain, or distress, please call the nurse."
"Thank you," he says, and realizes he's really close to crying. Fortunately, Ana and the doctor leave him alone.
He looks back down at Kate, those big brown eyes, the long lashes, and smiles. "Hey there, beautiful."
Her throat works, but nothing comes out. She licks her lips and winces, closes her eyes for a second (he panics a little), then opens them again. He feels the slow journey of her hand between them, and then her fingers brush weakly across his chin. He captures that hand and kisses her fingers, feels tears slip free of his eyes.
"It's okay. Don't try to talk." He smiles at her again, watches her fight sleep. "Rest, Kate. I'm here."
He spends hours with his hand on her chest, just below her collarbone, making absolutely certain she's still breathing.