Chapter Seven. Dating
Dating should be something kept between sensible people, or hot people.
Two Valentines days ago, Kakuzu, Kisame and Zetsu decreed themselves: The Dateless Wonders.
Unlike Zetsu, Kakuzu and Kisame would bitterly try for the ones they wanted… to some end.
Then of course, there were beautiful people, like Itachi, who only got a date if they felt lonley, and could have anyone.
Smooth-talkers, like Pein, who now had Konan surgically attatched to him.
Hot filthy-mouthed people, like Hidan, who, with a little tweaking, could get layed easily.
Then of course, there were adorable people, like Deidara and Tobi.
Kakuzu deemed Sasori was probably asexual.
"I hate this!"
"Me too. Wanna watch porn?"
Kisame rolled his eyes; that was Kakuzu's cure for everything. "No… not now anyway. Listen to me, damnit! He doesn't see how I feel – it's so frustrating!"
It was the half-term break. Pein had whisked Konan away to Kyoto. Much to everyone's inconvience (Pein was the one who organised everyone).
"Maybe you're too subtle."
"What? As opposed to you?" He mimicked Kakuzu's voice, "Hey, Hidan, wanna suck my cock? Sound familiar?"
He blushed, "I don't say it like that."
"Zabuza has Haku… I have to spend the night with Suigetsu watching slasher movies… That kid is fucking twisted – he laughs at the parts only Zabuza's sick enough to find funny! I swear he's going to grow up and kill someone!"
"Urm… great. Listen, you invite Itachi over then. Can I borrow some money? You've given me an idea for Hidan!"
Pein and Konan were in Kyoto. Deidara had finished reading their email, when the doorbell rang. His parents had taken his darling interferring sister on holiday; so he decided to have Sasori over, this time without Ino's intervention!
Deidara rushed to the door, quickly fixing his hair. He was wearing a tight dark vest top with silky black short shorts.
"Hi, Danna, uuuun…?" His smile faded as he saw Zetsu and Tobi in his doorway.
"Hi, Sempai!"
Itachi sat down on the chair, he raised one eyebrow: Kisame had ordered chinses. It was much nicer than having dinner with his dad and Sasuke.
He was leaning on his arms on the kitchen table, glad he hadn't seen Zabuza yet; and amused, Kisame's apron said: BIG FISH on it.
"Do you like spring-rolls, Itachi-san?" He was attempting to put them on a plate without scolding himself.
"Urm… yes," he nodded, brushing his hair out of his eyes. Kisame was always so formal with him. Also, he could never help but notice that when they were alone together, Kisame could never meet his eyes.
"Well, here you go."
"Don't they look cosey?"
Suigetsu jumped, "Z-Zabuza-sempai! Where did you come from?"
He shook his head, "Haku had plans wit that Naruto kid tonight. So… Kisame has a date over?"
The boy laughed, "I guess."
"You know when I had Haku over last month?"
"Yeah," he giggeled, remembering Zabuza loosing it: The romantic music, the porn, the rose petals on the sofa… not to mention the terrible reinactments he attempted while he described the night.
"Shall we do the same to Kisame?"
Zabuza and Suigetsu had the same devilish smile.
"Hidan!" Kakuzu threw a rock at the window, "Hey!"
A moment later, Hidan stuck his head out of the window, "Watch it – bastard! You could break my fucking window! Go away, Kakuzu!"
"Shut-up!" He stuck up his fingers at him, "Hidan, get your ass down here! We're going out!"
Hidan blinked, "W-Wha-What the fuck makes you think I'd want to go any fucking where with you – shithead!"
Kakuzu lifted another rock, sighing, "Because I, have a rock, and you, have a measly window."
He was defeated, "Fuck you… Okay." He vanished for a few minutes.
"Make sure you wear something sexy!" Kakuzu called to him, grinning as he flopped back onto his bike.
"Sorry to trouble you like this, Deidara, but Tobi kept bothering me, so…?" Zetsu laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his head with his hand.
"Hmmm…" Deidara drummed his fingers on the desk. He had his legs crossed, maybe to stop Tobi from poking his thighs. Sasori-danna was going to be here at seven! This wasn't fair – someone hated him!
"Tobi loves sempai!" he nuzzeled his neck, wrapping his arms around his shoulders.
"Let me go, idiot, unn!" the blonde protested, "I don't want to spend my evening with you!"
Zetsu blinked, "Shit, are you… expecting someone?" It suddenly came to his attention that the room was covered in candles and rose petals (which lead upstairs).
"Danna, unn."
Tobi looked nothing short of heart-broken, "B-But I thought sempai was dressed up for me!"
Kisame glanced up over his glass; Itachi looked soooo good tonight. He was wearing a white shirt and a loosened silk tie. His jacket hung loosely over the chair. Ever since Kisame layed eyes on the Uchiha, five years, three months and twenty-seven days ago, he'd been drawn to those dark eyes. That flawless skin, the way his clothes hung from his slender form.
Good God! He was insane for even dreaming he deserved Itachi!
"Thank-you, Kisame-san."
"Eh?"
"It was nice of you to invite me over for dinner."
Both of them froze as Elvis 'Love me tender' began to play throughout the apartment, and bloody loud. Itachi raised an inquiring eyebrow.
Room-mates. Damn them to hell. Zabuza's revenge… but in the light of things, when Suigetsu brought someone home, he was going to be dead!
"I don't… probably just my room-mates?" he laughed nervously, "excuse me a second!"
Hidan slumped towards the motorbike, his eyes on the ground, "…hi, dick-head."
Kakuzu stopped him, and stood the albino teen infront of him, looking Hidan up and down, "Hmm, you really did dress sexy, Hidan. Makes me want to fuck you over my bike right here, right now," he licked his bottom lip suggestively.
Hidan grinned, then slammed his knee up between Kakuzu's legs. He yelled out in pain, hunching over.
"Well, you can't now, huh?"
Kakuzu gathered himself, "w-whatever, just get on the damn bike, Hidan! Little bitch!"
"I can't believe sempai didn't want us to stay!" Tobi groaned, raising his hands onto the air.
"Love makes people do strange things," Zetsu sighed sarcastically.
Tobi froze, "That's it! Zetsu-san! I'll buy a hot tub and invite Sempai over!"
What? Where and how did his trail of thought reach these conclusions?
"Deidara?" Sasori poked his head around the door, "Deidara? Your front door is open…?" He blinked as he noticed the rose petals on the ground, "Deidara?"
Slightly frustrated, "Come upstairs, unn!"
Sasori rolled his eyes, dropping his coat to the floor as he headed up the rose-petal covered stairs.
Deidara smiled relieved, he flopped back into a bubble bath, listening carefully as the steps got closer and closer, and…
"D-Dei-Deidara?" Sasori blinked in surprise as he saw the blonde sub-merged in bubbles.
"Hi, Sasori-Danna, unn," he winked, "Care to join me?"
"I can't find Zabuza or Suigetsu," Kisame groaned, "and I can't find where that music's coming from!"
Itachi followed him back into the kitchen, "I found one stereo. The others are still missing," he froze as he noticed the pink material and red rose petals over the table, in a trail leading to Kisame's bedroom.
Those two worked fast.
"Kisame-san…?"
"Ita-Itachi-san, I swear I didn't!"
On the screen, the woman let out a high-pitched scream as the killer plunged the knife into her lower-back. A shower of blood splattered against the camera screen.
Somewhere infront of Hidan and Kakuzu, a teenage girl rushed out of the cinema, showing signs of severe trauma, her boyfriend followed, a little reluctantly.
"Hahahahahahahaha! What a pussy!" Hidan laughed out loud, putting his feet up on the chair infront.
Kakuzu smirked, "You always did have revolting little habbits, didn't you, Hidan?"
He smiled wistfully at him. Slasher movies always improved his mood!
The killer at the point, had grabbed another girl and flung her to the floor. He stabbed his blades into her hands. She screamed out in agony, as he ripped off her shirt, and ground down into her hips.
Hidan smirked, shifting his seat, Kakuzu reached down and stroked along his thigh. Too entranced by the blood on the screen, Hidan moved into the touch as Kakuzu's hand danced further up his leg.
The woman on the screen screamed as he cut away her shorts, his knife slicing into the flesh.
Kakuzu suddenly grabbed Hidan by the collar and hauled him into his lap. Before he could protest, he bit down on his collar bone, his hands digging into the albino's thin hips. Hidan moaned, nails dug into the larger man's shoulder and upper-arms. There were muffeled whimpers and grinding hips, until Hidan grabbed Kakuzu's chin and kissed him roughly, biting his lower-lip.
"Zetsu-saaaan? Zetsu-saaaaaaan?" Tobi sat, poking him in the side of the head. Zetsu had fallen asleep on his coffee table.
"Zetsu-saan? Play with me! Tobi's bored!" He flopped back on the sofa, "I know! Tobi will make a present for Sempai!"
"Deidara," he tried to sound calm. If the blonde worked out that Sasori wanted nothing more than to strip down and get in with him, it was all over. "Deidara, I am going to go downstairs now. Okay?"
He blinked, sitting up a little, "Don't I look good, unn?"
Holy Hell! If there were just a little less bubbles there…
"You look like a flat-chested girl in a bath-tub. What more is there to say?" Sasori shrugged his slim shoulders. If he fucked Deidara, he'd never live it down. He couldn't… The blonde would tell everyone and he'd get a truck load of unwanted attention! Not to mention all the things Orochimaru would say.
"B-But Danna, unn!"
"But nothing," he turned to go, "I bought a movie. If you have popcorn in, I'll make it while you get dressed."
"I-It's in the left drawer, unn," he sighed, "but wait!"
Sasori turned back, "What is it now?"
He pouted, "Could you wash my hair for me, unn? I've never been good at doing it myself, unn."
That had been a lie. Deidara had always been excellent with his hair, which was why it was smooth and shinny! Secretly, Sasori always loved that soft blonde hair.
Sasori sighed, "fine. Whatever." He crawled up onto the side of the bath, he was just about the right size to fit, Deidara's head inbetween his calves, as he stuck his bare feet in the water. Deidara giggeled, dunking his head under the water.
"He's stammering! Wow, Zabuza-sempai! He's even funnier than you!"
Zabuza shot Suigetsu a dirty look, "you know, Sui, the day you bring a hottie over, or anyone at that, Kisame and I," he held a hand to his heart, "will be oh, so very cruel!"
He shrugged, "That's fine. I'm not dumb enough to bring anyone over!"
"Kisam–"
"I'm sorry – so very sorry – they're immature! Itachi-san!"
"Kisame-san – stop talking!"
He stopped spluttering and went completley silent.
"I think there's just been a misunderstanding. I think I should go. I know its not you. There's no need to apologize. Please calm down," he held up his jacket, and kissed him on the cheek, "I'll see you tomorrow."
Kisame's face was on fire, "W-Wow…! I mean – yeah – I'll see you out!"
"Well, I'm off," Suigetsu announced, climbing down from the air vents, "I have a house party to go too!"
The best thing about the apartment was the air vents. In the summer, Suigetsu used to sleep up there, because of all the space. Until Sensei moved out a month ago, he didn't officially have a room.
Zabuza smirked, "I should go too. I'll find something to do."
The pair clambered out the now open window as Kisame's footsteps tapped back into the kitchen.
"Aah!" Hidan hung weakly on Kakuzu's shoulders. The larger male had his hand inside the tight black jeans, pumping him roughly, "Aaahh, God! K-Kuzu – aahh!" his clenched his eyes shut, whimpering under his breath.
"Quiet, Hidan," he hissed into his ear, biting the lobe, "Do you want the whole cinema to hear you?"
"S-Shut-up, asshole!"
At that comment, Kakuzu's other hand slid down from his back, into his underwear, one finger tracing around the rim of his entrance. Hidan yelped and shifting uncomfortably, to which Kakuzu's finger followed him and forced its way inside him.
"Kakuzu – stop it! Stupid shit!"
"Quiet, Hidan!" he scissored the digit inside him.
"Stop it! For fucks sake!" He bit his lip hard, "Wanker!" He slammed his hands up onto his shoulders, "Get out of me! I'd rather fuck a – waahh!" Hidan was cut off as he over-balanced and fell to the floor. His pants around his knees, still hard from the attentions he'd been receiving earlier.
"You know, Hidan, that's a real turn-off."
"Kisame?" Kakuzu sighed over the phone, "Kisame, why are you acting so…?" he gasped, "Oh my God! Itachi gave you head, right, right?"
"Eh? What? No!" he snapped, "but! But – I got a kiss on the cheek! And – Itachi-san said he wanted to meet me and get dango on Sunday!" He paused for breath, laughing nervously, "How was your date with Hidan?"
Kakuzu groaned, "Awful…"
"What…?"
"Kisame, are you sure you want 'details'?"
There was a pause, "Actually I'll leave it at that."
"Danna, unn?"
"Yes?" He glanced down at the blonde who had fallen asleep on his shoulder, his hand in the popcorn bowl on Sasori's lap.
"You're really good at washing hair, unn…" he whispered against his neck, "my scalp feels all relaxed…"
"Well I do have hair of my own, Deidara," he smirked, "Anyhow, this way your hair smells like strawberries; I've never washed someone elses before. Do they all make sex noises?"
"Nooo, just me, unn," he mumbled into his shoulder.
Sasori smirked, "Just you, huh?" He played with a lock of the soft blonde hair, a wistful smile on his lips, "You really went to all this trouble for me, huh, brat?" He sighed into his free hand, "Hell, you really are just a kid. Aren't you?"
"Mmmphh," he mumbled in his sleep, nuzzling his neck.
Because he wasn't awake, it was okay. Sasori slipped an arm around his shoulders and lay back on the sofa.
"Hidan? Hidan, is that you?" Itachi spotted the albino on the street. He appeared to be attempting a strip, well, starting with his shirt.
"Itachi?" he squinted, then beckoned him over, "come here, you bastard! I need a hand!"
'Christ' he thought bitterly 'he's going to enforce public sex on me'. "Urm, what is it, Hidan?"
"Are there any marks on my neck?"
Itachi's lips twisted into a sadistic smile, "What? Other than the love bite right there?"
Hidan went completley pale, "What?! FUCK! I'LL KILL THAT BASTARD!"
"It was all Suigetsu's idea," Zabuza handed Kisame a beer, as the two of them sat on the sofa.
"Nah, I was a bastard when you had Haku over, so…" Kisame shrugged, "Still, I don't care! I have a date!"
Zabuza whisteled, "A date with the lovely Ita-chan – Sorry, I will learn to stop calling him that!" He laughed, lifting the beer to his lips. "Say, Suigetsu should be back around now."
"Yeah, where is he anyway?"
"I think he said he was going to a house party."
"Where at?"
"Dunno… Wow, we suck at looking after him."
"It doesn't matter. He's more likely to bring harm to someone than anyone is to him."
"True, true. Wanna watch porn?"
"No, Zabuza."
They were interrupted as the front door crashed out roughly. Zabuza rolled off the sofa silently, he peered around the living room door to the hallway. Kisame followed him, staring around.
"Sasssuuukkkeeee!" Suigetsu whinned into the Uchiha's chest, "Your name has uuukkkeee in it!"
"Be quiet," he hissed, "Suigetsu, shut up! Your flat-mates will hear you!"
"Let them here! They're bastards anyway! I luuuuuvvve you, Sasu-uuukkkeee!"
"For fucks sake! Get your hand off my crotch! You're drunk – and I have a stalker! Suigetsu, get off! Aaah!"
Zabuza's eyes met Kisame's.
Those were the eyes of Satan himself.
"Kisame, where do we keep the rose petals?"