Fire Emblem: Revenge of the Dan

By DarthMarth

Chapter the Seventh-Sleep is Bad

Lucius woke up the following morning. As usual, he gathered his thoughts by lying motionless and counting to ten thousand, then slowly got up. After getting dressed and counting to ten thousand once more for good measure, he went outside, hoping he'd be on time for lunch. He did a double take as he looked around; the trees, the tents, the various junk was unfamiliar. Oh, well. How very strange. He smelled pork frying and dashed off to eat.

Nearby, Sainzilla re-figured out how to get dressed and walked outside. Strange...wasn't my tent in the middle of the camp?

Dan cursed as he watched the minor confusion. Flurn, he thought. I meant to switch their clothes around, not their whole bloody tents! How did I do that, anyway? Oh, well. I think I'll kill a few of them off to relieve my stress. He started to laugh as maniacally and dramatically as possible; ever since he'd become an official Villain, he felt a strange pain in his side that built up unless he did so every 5 minutes or so. As he did, a voice came from around the fire. "It wasn't that funny, Wil!" Dan saved his laughing for another time and slunk off, deciding who would die tonight.

Lucius ate his supper (his counting was getting sluggish), trying to stay out of Sainzilla's line of sight. He had no idea what had just happened, and he really didn't want to know. Meanwhile, Kent signed to Lyn as she updated the party on its location.

"We've just passed by the kingdom of Worde! We're now scarcely a day's ride from Ostia!" everyone, especially Hectas, cheered at the news. "We can spend the final night in agony...oh, wait, that's 'valley.'" Several people snickered at her mistake. "In other news, Cerk and Eddie have made more Hyper-Coffee for the night watch. Drink down-er, up!" Everyone quickly lined up to take the usual drop of Hyper-Coffee.

Feeling even peppier than usual after the Hyper-Coffee, Wil jumped around the camp, doing commando-style rolls and randomly pointing his loaded bow at things. As he discreetly got up after running into some barrels, he felt an out-of-place breeze behind him. Something grabbed his shoulder; he froze. A strangely familiar voice spoke softly from right behind his ear. "You were a good Tactician, Wil. Almost as good as me. I'll be sure to make this quick." As Wil heard a sword being unsheathed, he went bonkers and dashed off screaming like a maniac, powered by the Hyper-Coffee and pure terror.

"Flurn," Dan said out loud. "They'll hear that. This could get messy..." He drew both of his pitch-colored swords and readied a dark spell.

Wil ran up to the majority of the night watchers, still screaming his head off. "AAAAAAHHHHHH! THERE'S A WEIRD GUY HERE AND HE GRABBED ME FROM BEHIND AND TALKED AND HE WAS GONNA KILL ME AND HE SOUNDED JUST LIKE DAN!" He promptly fainted from oxygen deprivation and fear.

"What did he say?" Kent asked, looking around nervously.

"Something about a funny fish, I believe," Cerk said.

"Such a fool," a new voice said quietly, drawing close. Everyone gasped as the speaker came in sight. It was unmistakably their old Tactician Dan, in the flesh. He carried two strange, thin, deadly-looking blades and was unusually pale, but there was no mistaking his identity. "If he hadn't alerted you, no one else would have had to die tonight."

"!" Guy was the first to strike at Dan, wanting revenge for his muteness. Without breaking stride, Dan effortlessly parried the attack with one blade and ran Guy through with the other, letting him drop to the ground and continuing towards the rest.

"What?" Lyn cried as she watched Guy slump to the ground lifelessly. "You traitor! Why are you trying to kill us?"

"Why else?" Dan replied, signing so Lyn could understand. "All of you idiots made my life as your Tactician torture! Now that I'm back, I'll see to it that each and every one of you suffers for what you did...starting with you!" He held out his hand and unleashed the spell he'd been readying. A dark beam lanced from his hand and squarely stuck Heath in the chest; the Wyvern Lord immediately fell over unconscious, or worse.

"My blade hungers!" Karel was the next one to attack. This time the match was almost even; the Tactician and the Swordmaster fought on for several minutes, with Dan having only a slight advantage. Everyone else watch the epic duel, until Dan surprised Karel with a sudden punch to the gut and instantly followed by delivering a huge gash to his side.

Dan smiled with malice and continued to advance. "Who's next?"

"You're as good as dead, little guy!" Wallace said, putting on a huge helmet and lumbering out. He lunged with a 10-foot spear carrying enough force to punch through a tree trunk-Dan dodged it easily. Before Wallace could strike again, he cast another spell on the armor; Wallace soon tipped over lifelessly and clattered to the ground.

"...why are we all just letting him take us out one by one?" Lowen asked semi-rhetorically. The others understood; he and at least 10 other people charged at Dan simultaneously. The ensuing confusion lasted only 10 seconds and ended with them all severely wounded and/or unconscious.

"This is getting fun." Dan smirked. "Maybe I'll just kill all of you now!"

His entertainment was next interrupted by the most unlikely person. "I-I won't l-let you hurt th-them!" Florina stammered, terrified of the homicidal Tactician but driven to stop him. She managed to heft the Durandel to her side and tried to look as imposing as possible. (Which wasn't very, since Dan was at least 6 inches taller than she was)

"You have to be kidding," Dan chuckled. "And what happened to Eliwood? Whatever. This is for the shopping incident!" He lunged at the little Pegasus Knight, who screamed and-actually managed to block his swords. Even as a Morph, Dan couldn't hold back his surprise. "Whoah." He continued his onslaught, and grew madder and madder-after slaying all the others, he couldn't land a single blow on Florina! He eventually managed to drive her back against a tent and prepared to finish her, but she managed to intercept each of a series of lightning-quick slashes and circled around him with perfect form. Moving impossibly fast for someone carrying a sword almost the size and weight of its wielder, Florina spun around before Dan could react and slashed him hard across the torso.

"GAH!" Dan screamed, clutching his chest as quintessence leaked out of the wound. "Curse you, stupid flying girl! You will be next!" With the last of his remaining energy, he managed to warp away from the deadly little girl and to the safety of a nearby wood.

Flurn! Back to one-by-one revenge, I suppose. Deciding that the terror he'd undoubtedly instilled in Florina was probably enough torture for a few days,he used his player's guide to pick said other person: Kent. He started plotting again. This is gonna be good. I'll get Lucius and Priscilla properly this time, as well.

Fiora comforted her little sister, who had been overtaken by the fear of the events of last night and Dan's parting threat and was now sobbing uncontrollably. Personally, she was relieved. Despite the incredible sword prowess Dan had somehow gained, he hadn't actually killed anyone; after a few minutes of Serra's Heal Staff, everyone was fine, save for her terrified sister and the two that had been hit by dark magic. Wallace constantly complained of being cold (which was unusual, since he acted like winter was the warmest season of the year) and Heath was in a deep sleep that no one could seem to wake him from.

"At least he'll get some peace from this nightmare," Hectas said to Kent as they continued the night watch. "We can wake him once we reach Ostia. Until then, he can enjoy his dreams."

Heath couldn't have been enjoying his dream less. He was simultaneously locked in a claustrophobic jail cell, falling down a bottomless pit, being bitten by venomous snakes, and helplessly running from his secret fear.

Not more elms! Heath ran from dozens of the animated trees, but just like in all good nightmares, didn't get anywhere. His screams echoed through his head as the trees caught up, and-he felt a sensation of waking up. Maybe it's really over this time... He opened his eyes and found that he was running from the elms again. Nope. If these trees weren't so scary, I'd be bored out of my mind...

"Oh, well," Hectas said to himself. "Sweet dreams, Heath."

Kent was woken the next morning by his aching joints. Augh! When did I go to sleep in my armor? ...when did I go to sleep at all? I'm the head night watch! As he struggled to his feet, he noticed his bed was strangely soft. What happened to the rocks in my mattress? Turning around, he saw that he'd dozed off next to Lucius. "AHHH!" He yelled in shock and jumped back-straight into Sainzilla, who seemed to have rolled off the bed from his other side and onto the floor.

"Kent? What's up? What are you doing in-" Wil stopped mid-sentence as he poked his head into the tent; his mouth hung open. "Okay... This is confusing and wrong. Especially wrong." He removed his head; as soon as he did, his rapid footsteps could be heard sprinting off into the distance. Kent tried to sneak out before the two woke up and figure out what the Flux just happened. He heard the Sniper mutter to himself as he walked off: "Weirdest threesome ever..."

"Look! I can see the castle!" Hectas pointed out joyously as the party hurried on towards Ostia. "We're almost there! Woooo! Not even Dan can touch us while we're safe in my brother's castle!"

Suddenly, a piercing shriek broke up the silence. "EEEEK!" Unsurprisingly, it was Serra.

"Huh...What is it this time?" Hectas asked. After being stopped by Serra because she was too tired, cold, hot, bored, and sick of the song stuck in her head, he was fed upwith interruptions. "Can it wait until after we see my brother?"

"Of course not, silly! I left my favorite plushy bear at Brammimond's house! Take me back to get it, and fast!"

"Uh...that's all the way across Elibe," Hectas said, not quite sure if she was serious.

Serra put her hands on her hips and couldn't have made it clearer that she was indeed serious. "So? Let's go! You know I can't sleep without it!"

"Oh yeah?' Hectas retorted. "Then how have you slept this whole time?"

"I didn't know I didn't have it!" Serra shrieked. A full-blown argument broke out between the two, forcing the whole party to stop. Wil, as usual, didn't know when to be quiet.

"Hey, while we're at it, I kind of have to go, and the Castle Laus has really nice bathrooms!"

Nector piped up next with the classic, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

Hectas almost literally exploded. "ALL OF YOU SHUT UP OR I'LL DECAPITATE EACH OF YOU ONE BY ONE AND HAVE YOUR HEADS IN MY CEREAL!" His face was as red from yelling as a tomato. A very, very angry tomato. The rest of the trip was spent in silence.

As the party finally entered the outskirts of Ostia's capitol, they passed a grimy slave market.

"Ugh, slavery is a scourge unto all of Elibe," Hectas said with disgust as he walked by. "Especially Ostia." Suddenly, a certain red-haired slave caught his eye. "Wait...Eliwood?"

The former Lord looked up, and they winced. He looked terrible; he was dressed in rags instead of his former lordly armor, and was shackled on his hands and feet. His eyes widened as he saw his old party. "It's you! Get me out of here, and I'll forgive you for selling me! Quick, the auction is almost over!"

They debated whether or not to buy Eliwood back amongst themselves.

"We can't buy him back, we had to sell him to pay off the debts!" Merlinus said, worried about the party's funds as usual.

"Hey, maybe we can get him back for less than we sold him for!" Hectas said, defending his friend.

"This party isn't big enough for another redhead," Raven grumbled, standing next to Kent and Sainzilla. "And I hate that guy."

"W-We have to buy him back!" Florina cut in, emboldened by her conscience. "It wouldn't be right to leave him here!"

Their deliberations were cut short by the fast-talking auctioneer. "50 gold for the red-haired wimp, going once, going twice-"

"100 gold!" A high-pitched voice screamed from the crowd. The other buyers clearly didn't think the weakling was worth that much, and Eliwood was promptly sold for 100 gold. He searched the crowd for who had bought him. Soon afterward, that day became known throughout Ostia as 'The day the red-haired guy screamed like a really loud little girl for 20 seconds day.'

"Whoah, I've got this ringing in my ears!" Lyn said after the scream, simultaneously signing to Kent.

"I think that's just the scream of a Lord in intense emotional peril, milady," Kent signed back.

"No way! I can hear you!" Lyn exclaimed, surprised. "This one must have returned my ears to normal!" She was too relieved to notice her ears were bleeding.

"Omigosh, omigosh!" Serra squealed, jumping around her new slave. "This is going to be soooooo fun! Yay!"

Eliwood's mood couldn't have been more different from the bubbly cleric's. "This is the worst day of my life..." He groaned. "Be transported in a filthy cart was better than this...Death would be better than this..." He started to beat himself on the head with his shackles in a pathetic suicide attempt, but could barely lift them with his 4 strength. (He'd actually atrophied after being unused by Dan for so long)

"Why so glum?" Serra asked, happier than ever. "Now I finally have someone to test all my new makeup on!" She jumped around for joy again. Eliwood screamed again.

Is Florina already the swordmast0r2? Or is she traumatized for life? Is Dan losing his touch? Is Eliwood doomed? Does Hectas have anger management issues? What kind of a swear is flurn? Why is Heath afraid of elm trees? Are we there yet? Do I ask way too many questions? Find out...in chapter 8!

There's the seventh chapter for you! Now this one is longer than the original; please R&R! Oh, and I only got one vote for characters for Dan to target. I'm severely disappointed in all of you. (shakes finger) Vote some more by E-mailing me! (Or at least once more, so I have two people)

Serra: This is gonna be great!

Eliwood : sob Please just kill me now...

Serra: Why on Earth would I ever do that, silly? When we have SHOPPING MADNESS to do! Yay!

Eliwood: ...must...kill self...with sheer...force of will...Hrrghh...

Wil: Did someone say me? I've got plenty of force! Watch me tear off my shirt and start flexin'!

Serra: Eek!

All of you, get out!

Florina: Can't...sleep...Dan...out to kill me...

Only if people vote for you.

Florina: Wh-what? Vote?

Forget I said that. R&R, peoples! Next time, I'll do chapter 29 for real!