Another one I wrote a little while back and dusted off and... sort of finished. I've got more that I can write of this but I'll test the waters first...

Oh and yeah, I'm not Eoin Colfer. I'm his sister... Mildred.

Cora

00:46

"And may I have your name please?"

"It's Holly. Holly Short."

"Ah!"

"And your date of birth please, Holly?"

"Forth of the second, nineteen eighty-nine–"

"Holly–"

"Hush, Arty, I know."

The nurse behind the desk raised an eyebrow.

"He's fine," assured the shorter woman, squeezing her husband's hand.

The nurse looked back at her computer screen. "And how long ago did your waters break, Ms Short?"

"About twenty minutes–"

"Twenty seven minutes ago!"

"And have you been experiencing any contractions?"

The man answered again. "Each around five minutes apart. I estimate dilation at two centi– ah –metres."

Holly smiled tightly at the nurse. "He's been very involved in the pregnancy."

The doors swept open behind them and in walked Butler, a flowered duffle bag swinging from one massive hand. "Holly? Artemis? Are you alright?"

The Fowl heir groaned weakly and the manservant was immediately at his side.

'Okay then, Ms Short,' said the nurse, dragging her eyes away from the woman's strange husband. "I'll just take you to your room and your midwife should be in to you shortly."

Holly nodded. She gripped Artemis's hand tighter and began to waddle across the reception, her other palm laid flat on her swollen belly.

"Deep breaths," grumbled Butler in Artemis's ear. "Deep breaths, Artemis."

The younger man gritted his teeth.

Eight Months Previously

"No, honestly, Carter, I can't get out to the islands right now."

There was an irritated, tinny response from the phone's speaker.

"Then mail me the documents. I'll sign them and have them delivered back to you."

Artemis Fowl glanced up as a figure appeared in the doorway of his office.

One moment, he mouthed to them before drawing his eyes once more to the notes on his desk. "Sorry, Carter, I didn't quite catch that..."

The figure moved closer, close enough to rest their hands on the back of his chair. Artemis reached his fingers blindly behind him, linking them with the newcomer's own.

"The Antigua files have nothing to do with this."

He stroked the smooth gold of the ring he had placed there not two years before.

"They were liquidated by Benson last quarter."

"Artemis."

"Then sell them. God knows we've had interest."

"Artemis."

"Which is why we have the insurance of the Hong Kong accounts. Any loss we suffer as a result of–"

"Artemis, I'm pregnant."

The phone dropped from his hand.

04:57

Artemis bounced gently on the gym-ball, his eyes closed, his breathing deep, his face pressed to Holly's midriff.

"It's alright," she was murmuring, smoothing back his hair. "You're doing really well, Arty. Really well."

Butler was watching them from his seat in the corner. He was hunched over in much the same way his charge was, his wizened features drawn and taciturn.

"Keep calm. In… out. In… and out."

Artemis swallowed. "It hurts so much."

"I know. I know."

"No. You don't; that's the point."

Holly and Butler exchanged a glance.

The former elf leant over her husband. "Do you want to have a walk around?"

"No."

"Artemis–"

"Don't 'Artemis' me– Ah."

His whole body stiffened, his breathing suddenly choked off. He clenched his teeth together and fisted the soft cotton of Holly's maternity shirt. The woman whispered into his hair, rubbed his back, leant into his pull. His breath hitched and he cried out. Holly closed her eyes.

"It's alright–"

"No. No it's– Ah!"

"I'm here. I'm here."

He gave another strangled cry, pressing his nose to his wife's rounded stomach. Butler's lips tightened.

Seven months, thirty days, twenty-three hours and fifty-nine minutes previously

Carter's tinny voice could still be heard talking from the telephone's receiver.

"I'm… sorry?" repeated a shell-shocked Artemis.

Holly's eyes were flickering around his office, her fingers jittering. She took a sharp breath and spoke on the exhale. "I said I'm pregnant."

The human nodded meekly. "Yes, I rather thought you had."

He stood up.

Holly frowned as he moved towards the door. "Artemis–"

"Be with you in a moment, dear."

"Dear? What–? Artemis, we need to discuss this!"

"Yes. Indeed."

He had barely reached the connecting corridor before his knees buckled.

08:35

"Okay, right… I'd say you're about six centimetres dilated now Holly, so most of the way there."

The midwife smiled and pulled off her surgical gloves. Artemis's eyes uncrossed.

"What about an epidural?" asked Holly.

The midwife checked a monitor. "Do you really think you need one? You seem to be handling the birth very well so far."

Artemis banged a clenched fist against the armrest of his chair.

Holly winced. "I'm… I'm just good at keeping it in."

"It's a serious procedure, Holly. I wouldn"t recommend it unless you are in uncontrollable, unbearable pain–"

"She's in uncontrollable, unbearable pain!"

The midwife started and turned towards the speaker. "Mister Fowl–"

"Give it to her!" shouted Artemis, grasping Butler's hand in a death grip. "Now!"

The woman was momentarily speechless. "Mister Fowl, your wife is really coping very well–"

"Ha! Very– Ah–!"

Butler's eyes widened. He rubbed his spare hand more firmly over his charge's shoulders. Artemis's knuckles were white against Butler's tanned own.

"Please," he begged. "Please! Just do it. Just do it."

'Calm,' breathed Butler in his ear. "Calm, Artemis."

The younger man swallowed then: "Fuck!"

The midwife gaped. "Why… What… what is wrong with him?"

"Sympathy pains," offered Holly weakly.

Her husband sucked in another sharp breath and screamed.

Six months previously

"'What To Expect When You're Expecting a Half-human, Half-fairy Hybrid.'"

Holly smiled, glancing up at the book held in Artemis's hand. "Did Foaly send us that?"

"Who else?"

"And what does it say?"

Artemis flipped through it. "It's completely blank."

"Nice… I suppose they can't have found an experienced enough author to write it."

His lips twitched. "No, I suppose they can't have. Though judging from my research, the birth process for fairies seems practically identical to the human one." He sat down beside Holly. "Natural birth, I mean."

"Hmm." She allowed her legs to be lifted into Artemis's lap. "All the blood and the whole 'exit-from-below' thing."

Her husband wrinkled his nose. "Indeed."

Then suddenly there was a little smile on Holly's face. "There are a few things different though."

"Such as?"

"Pain relief."

"Yes, I suppose the People would have far more advanced analgesics than humans."

"That's… not really what I meant."

Artemis began to rub at her feet with one hand. "Then what did you mean?"

"Well, in fairy culture, it's the male who takes the pain in labour."

His hand stopped.

"What?"

Holly dug her elbows into the sofa, levering herself upright. "It's the male who takes the pain."

"What…? How?"

"Magic," said Holly. "It's a part of the bond made during the binding ceremony."

Artemis and Holly's binding ceremony had taken place not long after his twentieth year. Holly had flown them to a ritual site, one which they both had long memories of, and proceeded to pluck a single acorn. They'd then buried it together, knelt upon the earth, the elf whispering in ancient Gnommish. The same magic had exploded into both of them, meshing into their skins, racing through their veins and nerves, searching them, knowing them. Artemis had then understood Holly's insistence that they do it alone, her blush at the suggestion that they marry before an audience. It wouldn't have been right. They were wrapped in each other, living in each other…

Then the light had eventually faded, the magic twinkling like fallen stars about their bodies, leaving the pair panting and slumped in the dirt. Holly had got up first, crawling to her new husband's side.

"Are you… alright?" she'd asked.

He'd laughed, genuinely laughed, wiping tears away from the corners of his eyes. "Yes," he gasped, and then looked at her. "Yes…Yes."

Now he wasn't laughing. "You mean that during your labour I–"

"Will be the one screaming in agony. Yes."

"That seems hardly–"

"I'll already have had fourteen months of carrying him or her around; it's very fair that you have the last few hours of discomfort."

His lip curled. "Well," he said, with sort of pompous finality. "I am still a human. Perhaps it won't affect me."

Holly's head had sunk back into the cushions. "Yeah… Perhaps."

12:07

"Eight centimetres."

Artemis took another deep suck on the mouthpiece.

The midwife scowled at him. "Mister Fowl, the gas is really for your wife's use–"

Butler gave her a look.

"We're nearly there, Arty," murmured Holly, rubbing his arm. "Nearly there."

"Just… shut up," he said between breaths. "Just… shut up."

The midwife was affronted. "Mister Fowl. It is your wife in labour here, not you."

"Just… shut up."

Butler tightened his grip on his not-so-young charge's shoulder. "Artemis, control it."

The man was rocking like a tormented animal. He took another gulp from the mouthpiece.

"I know that a birth can be a stressful and frustrating time for the father," said the midwife, hands on hips. "You have no control over what is happening, and your partner is in pain, but there is still no excuse for rudeness –"

Artemis sucked in another breath.

Three Months Previously

"You haven't got a choice, Holly."

The elf looked up at her husband. Her hands were clutched to her belly, her nails digging into the tautened skin.

Number One caught the expression. "It would only be temporary, Holly," he assured her. "Five months and you'd be back to your own self."

She shook her head. "But my child… It… I can't."

Artemis's face hardened. "Would it really be that bad? So what if our child were human, Holly! They'd grow up above ground, in the sun!"

She shook her head, stroking her stomach.

Foaly laid a hand gently on her arm. "The baby already has a high human make-up, Holly. If it didn't, we wouldn't be having this conversation." He glanced at the angry, purple marks streaking down from her navel. "Another few weeks and you're going to pop. And when you do, it won't be good news for you or the baby. This way, you will both have a much higher chance of surviving the pregnancy. And… And I hate to say it, Holly, but I think he or she will have a better life. At least if they're born all human they can fit solidly into one world… They won't just be a misfit in both."

"I agree," said Artemis.

Holly shot him a look. "You would, wouldn't you? This way they'd get to grow up in your house, with your family. How could I care for a Mud Child underground?"

"A Mud Child?"

"A human."

He snorted. "Still the same, old prejudices."

"I love you," she said sharply. "I love you, but this is different."

"You married a Mud Man! You have coupled with a Mud Man! What else could you have expected our child to be?"

She opened her mouth to reply when something inside her kicked and her words were twisted into a gasp. Her husband was beside her instantly. He ran a hand over her stomach, soothed the stippled skin.

Holly jaw was set. "I want there to be something of a fairy in our child."

"And there will be," said Artemis, looking up sharply, "of course they will be. You will be their mother after all. And we can't know exactly how your transformation will affect the foetus. They could well be born with the capacity for magic. In fact there is a very high chance they will be. They could have your life span."

"But we can't know that." She braced herself, steadying herself for her next words. "One day, Artemis, I am going to have to witness your death. Please… please don't ask me to witness my child's."

Artemis's expression froze.

"You do it, or you and your baby aren't going to make it." This was from Foaly, who had stood from the corner with his fists clenched. Artemis may have been hard-faced about this from the start but now the centaur could see how it was breaking him. "You're being unfair, Holly. We've explained to you how there isn't a choice. You've married a Mud Man, loved a Mud Man and now, yes, you're probably going to have a Mud Child. You can either like it or lump it. But if you lump it, I'll tell you this: you won't be lumping it for very long…"

12:20

"Butler," said Holly in a warning voice.

The manservant quickly scooped her husband up into his arms.

"I've called for security!" shrieked the midwife. "This is shameful! I will not be treated like this in my own ward!"

"No!" gasped his charge. "I can't–" But his words were swallowed by a sudden scream.

"Get him out of here!" ordered Holly. "Artemis, please, I'll be fine!"

Her husband tried to yell another protest but he had already been hefted out the door. The maternity ward's security team followed them up the corridor: big, burly men, in black uniforms who Butler could've taken out with his little finger. But that would have been inappropriate, considering the setting, and he had had his orders from Holly. He could come back once the midwife had recovered from Artemis's verbal onslaught and his charge's every judgement wasn't being ruled by pain.

He jogged down the hospital's front steps, brooking the stares of the various ill and maimed. Ambulances blared out from the depot to his left, flashing and speeding, forcing him to stay on the pavement. Artemis punched out suddenly and swore.

"Hush," said Butler, somewhat uselessly. He jiggled the man over his shoulder, causing another somewhat colourful sentence, and fished his car keys from his jacket pocket. One click of the smallest button and the Bentley purred into view, driving of its own accord. He wrenched open the back door and laid Artemis, panting, along the champagne leather seats.

"Deep breaths!" he called, as he closed the door and hurried to the front seat. "Deep breaths, Artemis!"

The twenty-two-year-old punched at the minibar. "I want to push!" he yelled, as Butler shoved the key in the ignition. "I need to tell Holly to push!"

"I think she'll know!"

He flopped his head back, his slick fringe stuck to his face. He was drenched in sweat, his once pea-green shirt now darkened to emerald. "Ooooooooh!" he moaned as the car pulled off. "Ooooooooh!"

Butler drove until he was clear of the city, piling down the lanes out of Dublin at almost ninety miles per hour. Artemis continued to yodel from the back seat.

"It's alright," muttered the giant. "It's alright."

"Pull over!" screamed Artemis.

Butler was just taking a blind bend, thickets of bramble and brier towering eight foot on either side of the road.

"Er, Artemis. Now isn't exactly–"

"Pull. Over. NOW!"

And then Butler spotted a distant turning. He accelerated towards it before wrenching the steering wheel down and pulling up the handbrake. The Bentley squealed in protest, and Butler knew he'd be replacing all four wheels by this time tomorrow. The whole car bounced and jerked as they rumbled over the recently ploughed field before coming to an uneven, muddy stop. Butler lurched out of his seat and slammed the door behind him.

"It's coming!" yelled Artemis.

Butler wrenched open the rear door.

"Butler! Butler!"

Madam Ko's academy had prepared the manservant for many things; a male charge simulating a live birth was not one of them. For a moment, Butler didn't have a clue what to do. But Artemis was staring at him with terrified eyes - for the second time in his life, absolutely terrified - and Butler had to do something.

"Butler," he panted. "I can't do it. It's coming. And I can't do it."

The manservant gritted his teeth and bent into the car.

"Look at me," he ordered. "Here. Artemis."

The young man swallowed and did as he was told.

"Hold onto my hands." The man's eyes were hard, determined. "We're going to do this."

"No. No."

"Yes, Artemis."

"I can't. I– I–"

"Artemis. We've been through worse than this."

His charge's derisive laugh was cut short by another shriek.

"Do you feel a contraction?"

"Yes… Yes!"

"Okay, well on my word I want you to push. Alright?"

"I can't, I can't."

"3…"

"No. No."

"2…"

"Neeegrrgggh."

"1… push!"

"NeeeeeeeeerrrggggghhhhAAAAAARRRRRGGGGH!"

Artemis's face was red, his cheeks wet. He was panting as if he'd run twenty miles.

"Good," said Butler. "Good, Artemis. Come on. Again."

The twenty-two-year-old shook his head.

"Artemis. Come on."

The man took a breath, bit down and pushed. His eyes were clenched shut, his hands gripping Butler's in a vice-like grip… then he released the tension in a gasp of exhausion.

"One more," encouraged Butler. "You're doing so well. Come on, Artemis. Come on."

It was another few seconds of pain. Butler watched the sweat drip from his charge's wrinkled brow, the absolute concentration, taking Holly's pain, her struggle in these last few moments. Possibly the most important moment of his young life. They hadn't believed this day would come. Artemis had been making comments about magical emotional osmosis and how the entire concept was ridiculous. He was human, for God's sake... But he had thought that before. Butler hadn't thought this day would ever come either. He had watched over a lonely, socially-ignorant little boy all his life. Watched him shun people, offend people... But then Holly had happened. Butler had had hope. Then Opal had happened. For the last time. And he had thought, for a while …

Then Artemis let go of his hands, collapsed backwards onto the seats.

"She's here," he gasped. "She's…" He swallowed, laughed. "here."

"She?" repeated Butler, his train of thought broken, his voice strangely high. "She?"

Artemis nodded, the tears springing in his eyes as Butler felt his own burn. He looked down at the young man, sweaty, exhausted, beneath him and felt a sudden rush of warmth.

"Cora," whispered Artemis. "She's... She's here."

Wouldn't that be a wonderful world if the men took the pain? Wouldn't have to go on Jeremy Kyle either then, if you weren't sure about paternal identity. You'd just wait for the right bloke to double over in agony when the time came...

Ah, if only.

And yes, Holly kept her 'maiden' name because she's a bloody modern woman.

;)