Author's Note: Thanks so much to those of you who reviewed. I really like the way that this chapter turned out, and I hope that you will to. Now, to be clear, this story occurs somewhere near the beginning of season four. It's not too far of a stretch, and it makes sense with everything that happens in this chapter. Just thought that I'd clarify incase there was any question. Anyway, on with the story. That's what you guys are here for, right? ;)
Leave me a review please! Tell me what you think...
Izzie took in a deep breath as she tried desperately to keep a grip on her emotions. "I already told you everything you need to know."
Mark sighed, knowing that she was trying to push him away. He felt guilty; felt like maybe he deserved it. "Really?"
She nodded, trying to keep the tears from flowing. "Yes. Look, I've gotta get back to work. Patients need me, but there really wasn't a good time to tell you, so-"
"Izzie, would you please stop and just tell me what it is that's bothering you?" Mark asked, deciding the being gentle about it wouldn't help anything. He sighed deeply before rubbing the back of his neck. "I mean, I don't get it. You dragged me in here, clearly upset. Then, without explanation you tell me that whatever this thing is going on between us is over? I'm a little confused."
Guilty, Izzie knew that she owed him an explanation, but wondered if she could tell him. While she'd known him for quite some time, until recently, she'd never seen him as anything more than an annoyance. As she got to know him, she slowly began to see the layers peel back to reveal the enigma that was Mark Sloan. Shaking the thoughts from her head, Izzie's hand still held firm on the doorknob. "We'll talk about it later, okay? I really do have to get going."
Just before she left, Mark grabbed her arm gently, urging her to look at him. "You're serious? You're not just making up some excuse so you can go?"
Izzie offered a sad smile before nodding quickly. "Yeah, I'll talk to you later."
The salad that sat before her looked wilted, but at the moment Izzie knew that she had to eat. She'd been battling interns and their questions, along with the realities of having Callie as her Chief Resident. It hadn't been as bad as she suspected, but it was true that word hadn't exactly got out yet.
"I just don't get it. How hard can it be to intubate someone?" Cristina asked though she already knew the answer. "I mean, yeah...it's kind of difficult. But I was in procedures five times as hard a year ago."
"Maybe she's just nervous. With you breathing down her neck, I'd imagine anyone would be."Alex snorted before taking a bite of his burger.
"Shut up, Evil Spawn. You're the one still pining over McSatan." Cristina mused. She took a gulp from her water bottle before putting the cap back on. "Besides, life's gotta be easier on the vagina squad, anyway. Cardio is...challenging."
"Really?" Alex asked sarcastically. "So saving lives is more important than starting new ones?"
"First of all, you don't start the kid's life. And yeah, kind of. All a baby does is eat, poop, sleep and cry. The world is better-"
"Hi...someone else...a part of this conversation?" Izzie said, waving a hand in the air. Truth be told, she was glad for the mini-escape in watching Cristina and Alex bicker. She almost enjoyed it in a way. But from the looks they were getting, Izzie knew that she had to put a stop to it before anything got too far.
"Izzie's right, you know." Meredith said after taking a bite from her pasta. "I've got a headache, and the last thing I want to hear right now is you two bickering over which specialty is better."
Cristina snorted, sending a glance in Alex's direction. "Fine." She said, untwisting the cap to her water. "But cardio's still better."
Izzie laughed before shaking her head. She leaned forward, propping her head against her hand, oblivious to the glances she was getting from around the table.
"You okay there, Iz?" Alex asked, traces of worry evident in his voice.
In truth, she felt like crying. She managed to get lunch with most of her friends, except for George. The fact that he wasn't there made things a little better, though she couldn't help but feel guilty as she knew that she was the reason. Lunch was supposed to be fun, but even then she coudln't escape the problems that floundered around her. Standing, she looked at Alex. "Yeah, I'm good." Came her reply as she picked up her tray. Suddenly, she wasn't in the mood to eat. "I'll see you guys later."
Izzie went through the rest of her day trying to focus as best as she could. A girl came in after a bike accident, and though it was work an intern could do, she sutured. Interns watched as she offered support for her patient with sincere gentility. Slowly, they were beginning to see that Izzie Stevens was different than any of the other doctors. But she wasn't a dud. She was capable of doing things differently because she cared. When a man with multiple gunshot wounds came in, the real activity began.
She was in surgery with Derek-Meredith was already in a surgery with Bailey-for what seemed like forever. One of her interns, a girl named Shelly, looked on as Izzie helped to try and remove a bullet that was lodged in the man's skull. Unfortunately, another bullet that had been lodged too far in caused the man to hemmorhage.
Blood. There was too much blood.
Derek took control of the O.R., trying everything that he knew to save the dying, bleeding man on his table. But try as he might, there was nothing that Derek or the team surrounding him could do. Nearly three hours after he had been brought in, the man died.
Muttering about gang violence, Izzie made her way to the scrub room. It was Derek's job to inform any family.
"That was brave, you know." the intern, Shelly, said as they washed off. "You were really able to help Shepherd in there."
"If I was so able to help him, we would have saved him." Izzie said in reply, washing off her hands. "But that's a fact that you need to learn."
"What's that?" Shelly asked, taking the soap from Izzie's wet hands.
Izzie stood up straight, knowing that it was an oppurtunity to teach one of her interns something that they'd have to learn. "Patients die." She said sadly. "Most of the time, it isn't your fault. Something happens-an artery bursts, a bullet gets lodged in too deep. Unexpected, bad things happen. Sometimes, you do something wrong. You let the scalpel slip, or you don't drill in too far."
Shelly watched her resident intently, noting the way she stood firm in her position. While she wasn't sure what it was about her, Shelly knew that what Izzie said was the truth.
"Either way, patients die. It doesn't happen everyday, but when it does, you have to learn to live with it. It's a sad fact, but sometimes, even though you want to, there's nothing else that you can do." Izzie nodded her head toward the O.R. they had just been in. "We did all we could."
Shelly nodded, her strawberry blonde bangs bouncing as she did. "I'm sorry we lost him, Doctor Stevens."
Izzie nodded her head in agreement. "Me too."
The man that died was the last patient Izzie dealt with the day, except for rounds. Interns left, clothes were changed, and the drive home had settled nicely. She thought of the day behind her, all the while her thoughts mingled with the music that played softly on the radio. Rain began pelting her windshield, and turning the wipers on, Izzie let out a sigh. Living in Seattle, she was used to driving in rainy weather. Despite that, she still didn't like it.
Mark.
It started off as a train of thought, the things that had happened that day. Her mind settled on the frantic conversation she'd had with Mark in the break room. Maybe it had been a mistake to confront him afterall. They weren't dating necessarily, but merely trying to prove a point. If that was the case, Izzie could have ignored any further calls or conversations with him and just let it be. But try as she might, Izzie couldn't shake the feeling that he deserved the right to know.
Her thoughts continued along a similar path until she found her way home and parked in the driveway. She wasn't at all surprised to find that both Alex and Meredith weren't home; relief actually seeped through her at the fact. What did trouble her was the fact that there was a car parked by the curb, and she didn't know who it belonged to. That was, until her eyes drifted up to see him sitting on the front step.
After shutting the car door, Izzie made her way, knowing that she'd have to face him eventually. "Hey."
Mark nodded, scooting over so she had room to either bypass him or, what he'd actually hoped for, sit next to him. "You didn't come by to talk to me."
"I lost a patient today, Mark." Izzie snapped, her voice coming out as irritated and tired.
"You were in on that surgery with Derek?" Mark asked, his voice filling with concern. "I'm sorry. I know losing a patient is never easy."
Izzie wiped at a tear that had formed, and thought quietly of how ridiculous it was that she would even cry at that fact at all. "I know, but it happens. At least that was what I was able to tell my intern today. She's one of the few who actually see me as more than just a pretty face. Of course, I'd feel a little awkward if she did, but-" Her sentence hung unfinished as she turned to see Mark staring back at her. "What?"
He shook his head, turning to stare down at the light rain drops collecting on his shoes. "I don't know. I just wish you'd stop acting like everything is so fricking perfect when you know that it's not."
Izzie's mouth hung open at the harshness laced through his voice, but remained quiet.
Mark looked back at her, and taking a breath, knew he had to say what he'd come to tell her. "Something's bothering you. I don't know what it is, and you won't tell me." He shrugged, knowing there was more to it. "Normally, I wouldn't care. I'd think it was just a woman thing, I'd wait a few days and if you called me, I'd call you back. But that would be it. If you did, you did. If you didn't..." Mark paused long enough to look at her, and felt a breath hitch in his chest. Even with tear-stained eyes and a messy bun, Izzie managed to look beautiful.
Izzie listened intently, feeling a lump form in her throat. As much as running felt inviting at the moment, something kept her sitting next to him.
"Look, the point is that...this is different. I'm not just gonna run out on you if you tell me some dark, scary secret. Okay? So, it's your choice." He said with a sense of finality. "Take it or leave it."
Her fingers laced together, Izzie slowly began to collect the words she'd kept confined for too long. She didn't want to tell anyone, didn't ever dream that Mark could be the one she'd tell. But somehow it all seemed to make sense as she felt him sitting next to her, the scent of his cologne wafting over in the wind. "You really don't wanna know." She warned, feeling that she owed him that much.
"Okay, maybe I don't. I'm asking you to take a chance. You never know what might happen."
"I slept with George." Izzie blurted, not even realizing it until after the words escaped their stone walled prison. "It was a mistake, at the time we were both drunk, and...it happened. He didn't even remember the next morning. Well, he did...but not right afterward." A sad look graced her features as she struggled to keep her composure. "We were friends. He knew me better than Meredith, or Alex or...anyone. I guess that one little thing changed everything. Now his wife is my boss, and I get to live with the guilt of sleeping with her husband every day. She doesn't know. Well, I don't think she does. But either way, it doesn't matter. I did something that was unforgiveable."
Mark listened to her. He watched as her hands waved in expression, all the while weaving in tune with her words. He watched as her beautiful brown eyes lit up with tears, and as her mouth fought back the urge to purse in an attempt to hold back a sob. Mark watched silently as the woman he was beginning to fall for started breaking before him. When she finished, he knew he couldn't stay silent anymore. "It was a mistake. People make mistakes all the time."
"He was my best friend." Izzie cried, a tear quickly gliding down her cheek. "He won't even talk to me."
Mark let out a slow, articulated breath before speaking. "If he can't see what he's missing out on in keeping his friendship with you, then O'Malley must be a fool."
Startled, Izzie wiped at her cheek before turning to look at him. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that the guy is stupid. First of all, he needs to be a man about it. Backing away from you isn't helping anyone. I mean yeah, mistakes were made. I know how it is...but Izzie-" Mark said, his tongue darting out to wet his lips. "-you get that you weren't the only one who made a mistake, right?"
"I know that, but I just..." Izzie sighed, shaking her head. She glanced up at the clouded Seattle sky. "How can you be so forgiving, anyway? It was George. You-you hate him."
Mark laughed at the bluntness in her words. "I don't hate him. I don't think he's the most manly man, but there's always an exception to the rule." He reached for her hand, needing to let her know that he was there. She was hurting, and while he had ideas about what would make her feel better, Mark knew that they needed to go at her pace. "That's why there are no rules here."
Izzie nodded, her tears finally dried. "But maybe there should be."
"What?" Mark asked, not getting the reaction he'd expected.
"It would help clear up the...gray area." She said decisively, not knowing how else to phrase it.
Mark nodded, understanding what she meant as he felt her thumb grazing his right hand. "Sometimes it's better to have a gray area. Lines can't always be perfectly straight, you know."
Izzie blew out a puff of air, laughing a little as she nodded. "Yeah, I know."
"Lines...lines aren't permanent either. People set them as a way to keep themselves safe, but in the end they always end up jumping the fence to the other side." Mark said, glancing over at Izzie who sat staring back at him. "So can we keep the gray area? You know, for now at least?"
Izzie knew what he meant, and for the moment couldn't help but feel relieved at having him there with her. She wasn't sure whether it was the set of steel blue eyes, or the way his hand enveloped hers, but the way Izzie felt whenever Mark was around made her realize how much she wasn't ready for him to leave. "Yeah, sure." She replied, looking at him sideways. "Do you want to come in? I could make some coffee."