Joey picked up the phone and ordered some food and drinks for them. Then he hung up and said, "So tell me what's going on in New York."

Chandler shrugged. "Um, well, the birds are doing great, but they miss you. Phoebe and Monica have been busy fending off those gossip reporters, you know. We, um, we bribed Mr. Treeger not to look for somebody new to rent your apartment yet."

"You did?" Joey blinked. "You shouldn't have done that."

Chandler shrugged sadly. "I thought I could get you to come home."

Joey changed the subject. "Hey, when did you start smoking again, Chandler? It wasn't just 'cause I left?"

Chandler hesitated, then confessed, "No, um, I actually started when you were dating Rachel. I-I snuck cigarettes at work and hid the smell with lots of air freshener and extra clothes at the office."

Joey was shocked. "What! How could you?"

He stared shamefully at his feet. "I just, I had an awful feeling about it. That it wouldn't work out, and you'd be hurt." That was a half truth. Chandler had been equally nauseous at the idea that it would work out, and that Joey would stay with Rachel for good, forcing Chandler to either accept it or never see Joey again. With any other woman, Chandler would have been far more tolerant, but with Rachel, it was just too close to home. It reminded Chandler of the fact that Joey would never, ever love him that way.

Joey was annoyed by Chandler's lack of faith in his relationship with Rachel, but he sighed and shrugged it off. Instead, he pressed Chandler's hand. "Promise me something, Chandler. When you get back home, you'll stop smoking, okay?"

"Okay," he whispered, but wasn't sure that he could keep the promise. He'd been smoking for months now, and the addiction felt stronger than ever.

Joey recognized the uncertainty in his eyes. "Come on, Chandler! You have to try. Monica's gonna have a baby, and it shouldn't be breathing all that smoke from you."

"I'll try."

"Good, and I'll call you to check up on you. Everybody else should help too."

"Will you call every day?"

"Sure. If you need me to."

"I do." Maybe a brief contact with Joey every day would strengthen his resolve.

After the food and drinks arrived, they talked about what Joey had been doing for the past month besides growing a beard and looking for an apartment.

Joey shrugged, "You know, getting over Rachel. Thinking about her and Ross and Emma. I watched Days of Our Lives to see the new actor they got to play Drake, then I saw those gossip reports on 'Why did Joey Tribbiani quit and disappear?' It was weird, seeing them make a big deal about it."

"Well, you pissed off a lot of people at Days of Our Lives. And Phoebe kept drawing out the mystery instead of saying anything about Rachel."

"Yeah, I guess so."

They discussed Joey's past girlfriends and all the mistakes he'd made with women. Joey wondered whether he took after his dad too much, with his inability to settle down with just one woman.

"Well, you weren't ready yet," Chandler said. "But with Rachel, um, you showed you could commit, for the right woman." It hurt to think about it, and he craved a cigarette to dispel the image of Joey touching Rachel, and telling her that he loved her.

Trembling a bit, Chandler made an excuse to go. "It's late. I should let you sleep." He started to get up and leave for his own room.

"No." Joey stopped him again, sensing that Chandler was sneaking off to smoke. "I've got two beds, you know. You can stay the night."

Chandler sat down hesitantly, thinking about the last time they'd spent a night together. Not that Joey would share a bed with him this time, let alone cry in his arms, but at least they'd be in the same room. He could stay awake and watch Joey sleeping maybe.

So they kept talking and drinking for a while, then they watched some TV to take Chandler's mind off his nicotine craving.

Joey still hadn't asked Chandler to move to the other bed, so they remained beside each other, leaning back against the pillows. As the night wore on, Chandler grew accustomed to Joey's beard and kept stroking it fondly.

Joey found this weird but amusing. "What? You jealous 'cause you can't grow one as nice as this?"

"No," Chandler shook his head and just stared at him instead of the TV. He wanted to memorize his face and savor this last night with him. Touching the beard again, Chandler whispered drunkenly, "It's--it's sexy."

"Sexy?" Joey blinked and turned to look at him. He shrugged. "Oh yeah, I guess some girls think so. They flirt with me, but I haven't been interested in anybody new yet."

Chandler loved the feel of his beard. Wondered what it would feel like if Joey kissed him. But he wouldn't. Not unless some New Year's party intervened.

Joey finally brushed Chandler's hand away and sat up again. He turned off the TV and sighed, tossing down the remote. "I miss Rachel. I think about what she'd think of my beard, you know? Or maybe Emma would grab at it with her little fingers."

Chandler swallowed and looked away. There went another fantasy, spoiled by Rachel.

Joey continued sadly, "I really wanted a family, you know? Just to be happy and settle down this time. Have kids calling me Daddy, and a wife calling me Honey. Everything perfect."

After a moment, Chandler managed to speak, "You'll find that, Joe. With someone else."

"What if I don't? What if there's no one after Rachel, and I just end up alone?"

"That won't happen! And even if it does, you--you can always come back to New York."

"What, and hang around all you married guys? How pathetic would that be, by myself, with no family of my own?"

Chandler frowned and said softly, "But you'd be part of our family. We love you, Joe."

Joey shrugged. "I know, but it's not the kind of love I need right now."

"But I love you," Chandler whispered.

Joey squeezed his hand and half smiled, regarding it as only an overly sentimental comment made by a drunk friend. "Sure, but it's not enough anymore."

"No," Chandler moaned, "I love you! I really--" He impulsively kissed Joey's lips.

Stunned, Joey blinked and stared at him. "You love me?"

Realizing what he'd done, Chandler backed away and stumbled toward the other bed. He ended up on the floor, feeling vulnerable and ridiculous.

Joey sat down with him and tried to turn Chandler around to face him. "You're serious? This isn't some joke?"

Chandler laughed a hollow, unhappy laugh. "Yeah, funniest joke of the year." He buried his face in the mattress and started to sob.

"Hey!" Joey pulled him close and hushed him. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Hey, shh. It's just, we've been joking about it for so long--you being gay. I'm sorry." He brushed his fingers through Chandler's hair.

Somewhat soothed, Chandler clung to Joey's arms and slowly quieted down.

There was an awkward moment as they tried to figure out what to do or say next. Joey finally ventured, "So, um, you mean it? You love me?"

Chandler nodded and whimpered, afraid that Joey would become uncomfortable and send him back to his room. Probably never want to speak to him again.

Joey just sat there, still holding him and trying to absorb this revelation. "When--when did this happen?" he asked, then guessed, "When you started smoking again?"

Chandler shook his head, "No, it was a long time ago. More like, when we lived together."

Joey's eyes widened in shock. "That long?"

Chandler nodded. "Why, why do you think I hated you being with Rachel so much? I was jealous 'cause you fell in love with her, and not me." He shrugged miserably. "Not that I ever had a chance anyway..."

Joey frowned. "You mean, all these years, it wasn't just a joke? You were--? Wait, what about Monica?"

"She's not you. She's just--" He swallowed and shrugged, "It's like Monica said once: 'We're not destined to be together. We just try really hard.'" (He was paraphrasing her words from the time that she said she didn't believe in soul mates.)

Joey was horrified to hear this great romance and marriage summed up like that. He had looked on Monica and Chandler's relationship as true love for a long time. "But--but you got married. You're having a baby!"

"I know!" Chandler tried to explain it more clearly, "It's just, it's just when you kissed me at that New Year's party, I hoped for a while that maybe someday you might love me too. But year after year, sharing that bedroom wall with you, I--I realized that you were completely straight. So I gave up, and I hooked up with Monica in London, and you know the rest."

"Whoa!" Joey's head whirled as he recalled the past several years in a whole new light. "Does, does Monica know?"

"No, why tell her? I mean, if she doesn't believe in soul mates either, if somebody--maybe Richard--made her stop believing too, why would she care? She thinks I'm good enough to settle for. We're safe and comfortable."

Joey felt shocked and depressed. First he'd found out his dad had a mistress, now Chandler was only going through the motions with his wife. Nothing seemed to be as happy and ideal as on the surface.