Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Merry Christmas, One and All!
Chapter Seven: Cross-dressers face off…and WHAT?!
With Tenten, Sakura, Sasuke, Neji, Dosu, and Gaara…
"What is that?" Sasuke asked, squinting into the distance. Dosu was still crying. All of a sudden, Dosu jumped up and grabbed Sasuke's hands.
"OH, SASUKE! I LOVE YOU FOR YOUR KIND WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT!"
"What kind words…?"
"The kind words that you said! You said, 'Oh, Dosu. You should not pine over the loss of Kin and Zaku, for they were not worthy. You should move on to a new life! A new love! Loves!'"
"He said no such thing," Tenten said.
"I said no such thing," Sasuke said.
"MY SASUKE WOULD NEVER SAY SUCH A THING!" Sakura yelled.
"Oh. Maybe it was just in my head because I am insane. Oh, well! I love you more than anything in the world, my love!" Dosu cried. Sasuke looked at him, then gripped Dosu's hands tighter.
"Oh, Dosu! I love you too! That's why I'm gonna love doing…this!" Sasuke hauled Dosu up, up into the air and flipped him so Dosu landed hard on his hunched back.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
By this time, the 'thing in the distance' had gotten considerably larger. Tenten and Neji watched it while Sasuke kicked Dosu and Gaara made Sailor Moon patties. Their eyes widened. Kankurou ran up, covered in a yellow liquid and a brown gunk, makeup blurred.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
"Hey! It's the other cross-dresser!" Sasuke said.
"OH, SASUKE!" Kankurou grabbed Sasuke's hands. "MY LOVE!"
"Wait. I thought you liked Kin when you left. Why are you going after boys all of a sudden?"
"Oh. Well, the author ran out of girls to pair me with, and the TemariXKankurou thing is disgusting, she thought, so now I'm going after all boys!"
"WAIT! HE IS MY LOVE!" Dosu cried.
"BRING IT ON!"
"THAT IS DISGUSTING!" Sakura yelled.
"Dynamic and Crippled Dosu is in one corner! Crippling Kankurou who is not crippled is in the other! Who will win this heated match?!" Tenten cried, announcer fashion, all of a sudden wearing a cap and a striped shirt and a whistle round her neck.
"I think they're both really lame and hope they beat each other up enough so they won't bother me anymore," Sasuke said.
"Dearest Tenten, you are right! Who will win this heated duel?!" Neji cried. Gaara looked up a moment before spinning his Sailor Moon patties around a paper stick and making cotton candy out of them.
Kankurou dove at Dosu. Dosu hit Kankurou in the chest. Kankurou yelled, "PERVERT!" and hit Dosu in the side. Dosu clutched his side in pain and headbutted Kankurou. Kankurou screamed in pain and bit Dosu's shoulder and tried to suck his blood. Dosu screamed and hit Kankurou. They tried whapping each other. Tenten, Neji, and Sasuke sweatdropped. They fell to the ground, exhausted.
"Cotton candy?" Gaara asked, holding out a spun Sailor Moon patty.
"No thanks. However…give some…refreshment to our…guests." Tenten pointed. Gaara took the hint, grabbed the two victims with his sand, and stuffed Sailor Moon patties down their throats. They gagged.
"Let's go," Tenten started to walk away.
"Yeah," Sasuke said.
"Of course, dearest Tenten!" Neji said.
"I will, cause Sasuke's going!" Sakura piped up.
"…" Gaara followed, carting his collection of alien and bug gelatin and Sailor Moon patties.
With Hinata, Kiba, Kin, and Akamaru…
"Where'd he go?" Naruto peered into the distance.
"I don't know and I don't care." Kiba said dully. "Anyway, I think we should be getting somewhere soon. Standing here in some clearing isn't exactly helping us, much."
"I recognize that! It's the Uchiha mansion!" Naruto cried.
"I-It's S-Sasuke's b-brother!" Hinata pointed.
"He looks younger somehow." Kiba said.
"I know! We traveled back in time and are now invisible to anyone of this present time! I saw it in a movie once!"
"Well, can't hurt to go look."
"Y-Yes."
The little group went and looked at what was happening. Itachi was…drinking tea with a little group of…little dolls. Made for little girls. With little teacups. And little toy guns in their hands.
"Oh, Mary Ann!" Itachi took the small, plastic hand of one of the fancier dolls with so much hair someone could drown in it. "You are my ideal girl! When I grow up, I want to be your groom!"
"…" Everyone sweatdropped.
"But, Little Susie! I love you too, but you are too young for me!" Itachi said. "What? You say age does not matter!? Then we shall…"
"He is doing something very inappropriate and messed up." Kiba said. "He is kissing a plastic doll."
"Man. And I thought Sasuke was weird."
"I AM SO SORRY, LITTLE SUSIE! I DID NOT KNOW YOU WERE NOT EMOTIONALLY READY! I SHALL MAKE OUT WITH MARY ANN WHILE I WAIT! THEN YOU WILL INSIST I CHEATED YOU AND IT WILL BECOME A DRAMATIC SOAP OPERA!"
"…"
"What are you doing…? And why are you kissing a doll? Again?" a younger Sasuke said, coming out of the house.
"I am making out with Mary Ann!" Itachi cried.
"Jeez. Mom says you're 'mature' once and you get all obsessed about it. Me, I'm sincerely glad I can't marry till I'm sixteen or eighteen."
"You are missing all the pleasures of life!" Itachi continued to kiss Mary Ann.
"You sick person." Sasuke went behind Itachi, grabbed Little Susie, and hit Itachi with her. Little Susie's arm broke. Then Sasuke tossed her into the air, made a couple of hand signs, and yelled, "Grand Fireball!"
"Little Susie" was reduced to ash and melted plastic in a couple of minutes.
"OH, LITTLE SUSIE! I AM SO SORRY! THIS IS MY FAULT FOR NOT CARING FOR YOU MORE AND MAKING OUT WITH MARY ANN!"
Sasuke walked behind Itachi, grabbed Mary Ann, and broke her in half, and tossed her at Itachi's head. Then he blew a fireball at Itachi's hair and dumped the big pot of tea on his back. Then Sasuke threw all the little china cups at Itachi and they broke.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! SADISTIC BROTHER!"
"Call it what you want. I call it being sane. Anyway…" Sasuke made a couple of hand signs and turned into an Itachi. This Itachi/Sasuke brought out a large machine gun and ran inside the Uchiha mansion. There was the sound of a couple of bullets. Then Itachi/Sasuke ran out, covered in gore, and became himself again. He dragged Itachi and then threw him clear out of Konoha, dropping the machine gun. A small Tenten with her hair tied in small buns ran up, grabbed the machine gun, and snickered evilly.
"No one saw that, right?" Kiba asked.
Everyone else knodded.
With Dosu and Kankurou…
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!" Kankurou spit out the patties. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! IF YOU HADN'T GONE AND FOUGHT ME FOR SASUKE, THIS WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED! NOW MY TRUE LOVE IS GONE!"
"NO WAY! SASUKE BELONGS TO ME! WE ARE THE PERFECT COUPLE!" Dosu cried.
"Wait. We are two girls, right? And I am gay, and you are gay/straight. So why can't we be a couple?" Kankurou asked.
"I don't know. And no one has ever covered the DosuXKankurou pairing before…I think. That'd be highly original."
"Yeah. Nothing wrong with it. Oh. But it would KankurouXDosu, not DosuXKankurou."
"WHATEVER! LET'S MAKE OUT, NOW!"
"OKAY!" Kankurou cried in a high pitched voice. The author covered her eyes and walked away.
With Shikamaru and Temari…
"SHIKA-KUN! LOOK WHERE WE ARE!"
"I troublesomely cannot move, troublesome woman. My troublesome body is troublesomely aching with troublesome pain."
"BUT SHIKA-KUN, WE ARE AT THE NORTH POLE!"
"Yay. Troublesome OW!"
"LET'S GO, SHIKA-KUN!" Temari dragged Shikamaru inside.
"Hello!" a little elf said.
"TIME TO COME WITH US, LITTLE ELF!" Temari whacked it with her fan and prepared to tie it up in a sack.
"NO! ELF DEFENSE SQUAD 1!" a band of highly armed elves ran up. Temari yelled out her battle cry (Shika-kun) and began to beat them with her large fan. Shikamaru closed his eyes and went to sleep. Mostly because he knew what would happen, not because he was so emotional he could not bear to see the little elves in pain. Also because he was really sore and tired and could use a nap. Meanwhile, the author is going to write what happened to Temari…in the next Temari and Shikamaru section!