Author's Note: Well, this is it! And what a journey I've had through it. I've went down to just 116 hits the last chapter, became paranoid of copy cats, made a friend, made a wife (we married in Japan, it was violent), grew closer with my father, lost respect, and discovered a pffft for research. Oh, and I became defiant! I REFUSE TO SHOULDER YOU, M RATING! OkageHime, I'm finally getting around to the end of your request ... which I kind of failed. Sorry!. Eh, kind of an anti-climax, I'm not all that fond of it. THERE WILL BE AN EPILOUGE.

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"Near." "L."

The sound of a crazed bird continuing to slam itself into the widow was the only sound in the room. Wide, pale eyes and frog eyes held gazes. A pale boy in a belly dancing outfit moved to pull himself onto the desk. The raven-haired man across from him nibbled on his thumb.

Near was a little ...underwhelmed. The only reason he had gone through all this was to get L to buy him all the Barbie stuff he wanted, including but not limited to: everything. But now he had all that stuff. Two Citi Trend Barbies, clothes (that Susie Micha couldn't even fit her fat Barbies in, those cows didn't need them!), and a doll house that Dr. Beltalco had had a friend send. It was the same one as off the TV, and when he opened it the strangest magazines, all titled Shota Holes, came pouring out; one glance inside had him leaving it in the recycle bin.

But back to the point, L was no longer needed. Well, okay, maybe a little. After all, he did have a rape, a seizure, and a lot of girl clothing to clear, not to mention also had a therapist in jail for pedophilia.

But boy, were those Barbies great!!

A hand placed itself on his head, and he looked up. L smiled around his thumb. "How many bruises did Mello give you before you could do that dance?"

He shuddered, recalling every practice. And before answering truthfully, an evil little Megatron appeared on his shoulder, whispering the plan. "He bruised my butthole." "I know you're lying."

Uh, what the hell?

"I'm not." L's amused dark eyes didn't even blink. Megatron was quickly replaced by an even more evil, and far more annoying, half pigtailed Japanese pop idol. "Near-chan! That L dummy is stupid, he's so homo, you know! Here, Misa-Misa will tell you a plan! Since he won't shut up and buy lying, pity works just as good! Misa-Misa guaranteed!" She poofed out of sight, winking with her index and middle finger up, and Near let out a small sigh.

"L, I'm sorry." He lowered his eyes and pouted. L patted his head, then began rubbing the top of his left ear. "You're not." Ho, his fingers felt good. Now he just needed to rub a little--

L's fingers moved down to the lobe, massaging it gently. Near turned into putty; he slid down off the desk smoothly, and L moved his knees a bit apart from his chest for the small boy to slide in between. His arms went around the small bit of shoulder not covered by his knees. "You're not sorry, because all has gone according to your plan."

Okay, something wasn't right! He arrested Dr. Beltalco earlier, beliving him to be the rapist, and him to be giving secret signals. So what was the problem with that great conclusion!? He frowned and dropped his act, looking at the man with blank eyes. "Plan, L?"

"Yes. It took your dance to make me put all the clues together. You weren't raped at all, were you, though you did come close?" The boy got a more guarded look, lowering his head until his hair fell into his eyes. "You were out for something the entire time, and you did whatever would get it. You lied about your rape to get Roger to call me, you lied about the seizure to steal a girl's doll, you dealt with all of Mello's shit, and you turned your therapist into a pedophile. And for what?"

L smiled.

"For Barbies. You ruined the lives of the people around you for your selfishness, your desire to have."

Near's eye twitched. His shoulders shook. His back hunched. L straightened his spine a bit, letting the boy hunch over into a ball. "Kukuku...L-san," White, little hands suddenly flung up, wrapping around his throat. The boy leaned back on the bony knees as he tightened his grip, pulling the neck forwards to break as much as he could. "You're a meddler, and now there's nothing to do but kill off your character!"

More tightening, then loosening, then tightening, then loosening. L could tell he was going to have a massive crick in his neck come tomorrow. Near jumped up, straddling the knees as he began to fling L's head side to side. "You're bound to die eventually!"

The big hand on the clock slowly went from an even number to up by four odd ones. Near was starting to get sleepy, but whenever he felt himself start to doze off he just shook L's head more. When he didn't look like he could fight it anymore, his hands slid down to L's shoulders, and he scooted forward back into L's half-lap.

A pale hand started to brush through his hair, and the hips started to lean backwards and forwards. Near's bottom lip was sucked into his mouth, and he didn't care that after his nap the shit would hit the fan. The sharp chin pressed into his shoulder, two fingers of the free hand rubbing circles lightly into his spine.

"I bought you a Barbie." The boy woke up some, looking up at him with suspicion. "Do you want it?" Oh, great, was he going to have to touch his thing for it? The body against his moved, and he grumbled and started back to sleep. Oh well, it wasn't like one more grope would make him gay or anything.

L opened a drawer, and the next thing Near knew he had a wonderful box being slammed against his face. He sat up, started to breathe through his clenched teeth and flung his body onto L's arm. L's body leaned to that side, but he kept his arm up and his butt in the chair.

"Is this Barbie!? No, it's," His pale eyes lit up. "is it the black one!?"

Using his crooked spine, he slowly flipped himself (though it looked like a roll from above, making L suddenly visualize Near as the vanilla center of a swiss roll, making him go off into dream land, a dazed look on his face) onto the ground. He snapped his teeth onto the Barbie box, violently ripping it out of L's hand. He gnawed on it, just sitting there; L stirred his index finger in his previously forgotten hot chocolate. Taking a sip, his eyes narrowed. "Oh, you're a smooth chocolate, sliding over my taste buds with your coco warmth." He thought he had just whispered it, used to saying these things around Watari, whose hearing wasn't exactly what it used to be.

"What was that, Mello?" A loud cough came from the adult, and he turned to glare at the boy. "Why not open your toy, Near?" "You were distracting me with your wish to add milk to your drink." Oh no, he did not! "Well, Near," He began in a monotonous voice, which quickly-- well, stayed monotonous. "you being a sissy distracted me." "S.T.F.U, L." "I'm going to kick your ass." "I'll have you locked up for rape."

"Neither of you will do anything!"

They both snapped around, facing the two men standing in the door.

Wrinkles crinkled on both sets of faces as the owners grinned. "We need to have a word with you, L." They went to move forward, but instead were shoved forward by a blonde, huffing and puffing and ready to blow Near's skull in.

"You just stay there, Near! Matt--" Here the red-head came in, looking bored, his head nodding off just to snap back up. "-- and I also need to have a word with you!"

The two teams turned to look at the other. Simultaneously, they both claimed first. "NUH UH, old guys take forever, we're first!" Mello went to shout at Near, but Watari slammed a hand over his mouth. "But we're old, we never know when we're just going to kill over!" Roger shouted at him, but Matt came up and slapped a hand over his mouth, half leaning against him.

L and Near looked at each other, then L sighed. "Fine, you shall rock, paper, scissors for first place."

Matt and Roger faced off, their balled fists resting on their open palms. Mello and Watari also took on the same positions, and Near and L sighed, looking at the clock.

Roger and Matt started the count down. "Rock," Their fists hit their palms, still balled and ominous. "paper," They repeated, adrenaline building as they quickly thought up what would be their winning move. "scissors."

Their fists flung open upon their palms, and L cocked his head to the side, somehow took a sip of his hot chocolate without spilling it, and announced the results. "Ah, well, tough break, Roger." Here Near snickered and chimed in. "Used to those, are you?" "I guess everyone doesn't know never to start off with scissors."

Watari sighed as Roger, his ears plugged by his fingers, waited against the wall. It was up to him now. He coughed, telling Mello that he needed to stop high fiveing Matt, whose hand was just held in the air so it was really one-sided, not that the currently one-eyed boy cared.

It was up to them now.

They met eyes, they focused, they readied their reflexes.

Their fists flew through the air, lungs let out breaths of disappointment, eyes widened.

Mello lost.

"Dammit!"

Roger hurried over, smirking at Mello as Watari reached into his pocket and pulled out a braclet box. He opened it, a string breaking and starting a chorus of hallajuhas.

They pressed their shoulders together as the turned to face Near and L, who were giving their attention to opening the Barbie instead.

They went to shout at them, but a similarly placed duo moved right beside them. "Before you go celebrating, it's a tie!" The blonde's finger wagged in front of them, and Watari hissed. "You better not be pointing that skinny finger at me, Patchy!" " SUCK IT, old man!"

Near and L rolled their eyes, annoyed and not finsihed with the twisty ties. "Fine. Near and I'll do a tie breaker. Near's for Watari's team, I'm for Mello's." They stuck their skinny wrists out, made bony fists that made their knuckles crack, and began.

"Rock." Mello's grin grew greatly.

"Paper." Watari's breathing briefly broke.

"Scissors." The room's tension tightened terribly.

"It's a tie." Growls came from everyone, save Matt, and the three launched forward to slam their fists onto the desk. "NO WAY!" They growled at each other before giving up and just shouting all at once. "NEAR!" "L!" And together, perfectly in unison, shouted--

"One girl gets on a bus! She has one backpack! In her backpack she has seven large cats! Each large cat has seven little cats! How many legs are on the bus!?"

Watari and Roger gasped and faced each other. "Those little brats!" They whispered, glaring over their shoulders. "There's no way they'll take the credit for this, we found it first." Roger sighed, feeling hopeless. "What can we do, though?"

Here Watari got a glint in his eye. "We don't care about Near, all that matters is L getting the answer wrong. And remember how many people got the answer wrong, not guessing the most obvious?" Roger smirked and confidently looked down at L.

"Well, L-san?"

Mello huffed as he leaned in close to Matt, glancing over at the smirking Roger. "You said it was perfect! It's not perfect if it's used by someone else! We can't slap him in the face with humiliation now!"

Matt reached into his back pocket and pulled out a cigarette he had found, too stressed out to worry about habits and addictive nicotine that follows a person through life. After taking a few deserved drags, he looked at Near. "We can still get him. Those two directed it at L, not Near. We're still the ones he'll think of as he cries himself to sleep and," he added this just to get the blonde off his back. "as he fails at school due to his depression."

They turned to stare at Near. "Well, Near?"

The two geniuses shared looks and turned back to stare wide-eyed up at the four. They were almost sad at how their only friends --because honestly, who else would talk to them?-- plotted to test them. Sure, Mello did it constantly, but Matt, Roger, and Watari? But, well, they asked.

"None, a bus doesn't have wheels."

Nothing was said as the four's faces went blank. They turned and slowly walked out of the room, leaving L and Near to go back to attempt to open the Barbie's box. The sounds of loud wailing and police sirens followed.

"Excuse me, officers--" Watari's tired voice asked with a mild hint of surprise. "We have a warrant to search the grounds for child pornography, and are to interrogate the staff."

Near and L, distracted from their task yet again by idiots, scooted out of the chair. Near was lifted onto L's back, inwardly complaining about how plump people were the only ones who gave good piggyback rides, and they peeked out the door.

Roger was a broken shell of his former self, blinking at the officers. "What do you want?" "Sir, we were alerted by the local recycle company of this in your paper bin." He flashed the magazine. Near did a half smile out of nervousness. "This is imported and highly illegal child porn, and since it was found in your orphanage, we have full access to search and question as we see fit. Any questions?" "Yeah, whatever." He was first to be pulled into the makeshift interrogation room.

Bored and figuring the officers would get all up in their business soon, they went back to the chair and Near climbed into L's lap as they started once again on the Barbie.

Their hands brushed, and Near paused before looking up at L. "In looking back, it wasn't all that smart to call for you. I could have easily just played with one of the girls and their dolls."

L smiled, tilting his head and twirling his fingers in the pale locks. "What did you feel when you thought of me on my way?" The boy thought, clawing at the Barbie box, and then had his mouth curve. "I wanted you to hurry up so I could see you."

L pressed a kiss to his forehead, smiling. "Exactly."

And they smiled at each other, the Barbie still in its box falling to the floor, forgotten. Near turned and swung his legs on the either side of L's hips, then resting his face in the crook of the thin neck. L started to rock softly again, brushing the curls back and rubbing Near's small back.

Despite the commotion outside, they were peaceful, they were content, and they were happy.

Until Near pulled back. "Wait, so you like like me?"

OH I LOVE YOU, KEN

(the end)