RED BALLOONS
CHAPTER 7
---------------
I flipped the police radio off and cranked up the car's radio until I found something that was only noise. I turned it up loud and rolled the window down. It was late and there wasn't much traffic. With the window down, the late night heat blew my hair off my face but it came back to land in my eyes.
I really had no clue as to where I was headed. I didn't want to go home because I knew Starsky would end up there and he'd wait until I eventually returned.
I pushed the car to the limit. I followed the highway and as I looked, I had the car running past 90mph. I was on a winding part of the road but I barely touched the brakes. I was still furious but now I was also scared. I was scared of my reaction and the possibility of hurting myself or other drivers. I slowed and decided to follow the less traveled road and head to the beach. The road I chose thankfully was deserted so again I pushed the car up to 90mph. It felt good to lose myself in the speed and power which surrounded me.
I tried to push the thought of Starsky's indignant reprimand out of my head but I laughed even through my anger at him. If he knew I'd pushed his car so hard, he'd definately take offense. According to him, he was the only driver alive who understood this striped tomato.
But I realized this road would take me back to my apartment. I wasn't ready yet for real life or Starsky so I stopped at the first open lot that led to the beach.
Okay I thought, a walk on the beach with just me for company. Me, Myself and I for company. It was a little too crowded in my world right then and there were way too many voices other than mine competing to be heard.
I eventually got out of the car and slammed the door shut. I thought about this car and suddenly I realized that even though I had left Starsky physically behind, I could never really be free from his presence. But the longer I stood there, looking out at the silver moon streaked water, I knew in my heart what Starsky and Huggy tried to tell me. It wouldn't matter how far I traveled or how fast I got there, the truth wouldn't change. Because they loved me, particularly Starsky, they wanted to protect me and find a way to keep me from getting hurt.
I really wanted to remain angry. I felt I had every right to be pissed at both Starsky and Huggy. I slammed my fist into the hood of the car but even that brought me no satisfaction. I took a few steps toward the ocean but suddenly, dropped to my knees in the sand. I had no anger left in me. There was nothing to keep that anger alive any longer. The anger had nothing to feed off of because I knew that I was indeed fortunate to have two friends who cared so much that their focus had been only to help me. I understood that Starsky probably had plenty of opportunities to tell me about Gillian. I'm sure he wanted to but didn't know when the right time or where the right place would be to tell me that my girlfriend was a high priced call girl. Would I have listened even if he'd taken the plunge to tell me? Would my reaction have been any different than in that apartment?
Gillian and I had lived for the moment in a bubble of love that kept us together and I was convinced that our love would be enough to keep us from harm. She saw those balloons as vulnerable and I only saw them as a celebration of us
I knew I had to get back and face the truth that Starsky wanted to shield me from. His words enveloped me as I recalled the terrible scene in her apartment. She was already dead and I had punched my best friend for telling me something I didn't want to hear. But he also told me that she wanted to give up her lavish lifestyle so she could be with me. She loved me and Starsky was trying to tell me he loved me as well. Now I needed to hear those words again.
--------
I of course made my way back to my apartment. Once I faced my anger for what it was, I was ready to move on. I wasn't angry so much as I was overwhelmed to realize that Starsky had carried his burden around a long time and he most likely wanted to tell me many times but resisted until he could provide all the facts. Starsky is like that. He never jumps to conclusions but digs for clues and answers before making a judgement. That's why he's a good detective. The obvious isn't always the whole story. After all these years, after everything he's seen as a cop and everything he's experienced in his life, he still wants to believe the best of situations and sometimes his involvment gets to him deep in his soul.
I found my extra key above the door to my apartment. As I opened the door I was not surprised to find Starsky sprawled out on my couch. I tried to be quiet but secretly I wanted Starsky to know I was home. I didn't have to wait long.
Starsky didn't get up right away but his body jerked with the knowledge of another presence in the room. There's that connection thing again. Even with his eyes closed, he sensed it was me. No immediate danger, just the remnants of a blond typhoon who at last touch down, had left a lot to pick up after.
I waited, expecting a huge smile and open arms to greet me. But instead, Starsky flew past me to the front window. So that's how I rate. I stormed out of Huggy's in a dark rage, stole his car and was gone for hours and the first thing he thinks about is his damn car? I couldn't hold back the laugh as I watched Starsky practically hang out the window to quickly inspect the condition of his monster of a car.
"So you were that worried about me huh? But thanks for asking. I'm fine and hopefully you didn't stay up half the night worrying about me!" I couldn't resist being sarcastic because I knew that would grab Starsky's attention more than if I hadn't said anything.
"What? Huh? Oh yeah, glad to see you back in one piece. Excuse me while I go check out my car a little closer." Starsky was so distracted with worry about his car that I began to think I was wrong. Maybe he really was mad at me for stealing it?
I didn't follow him and I didn't let my guilt over taking the car scratch me either. I was pretty sure Starsky wasn't yet ready to face me. He was probably still dealing with his own guilt over not telling me about Gillian and I know for certain he would feel even worse that he caused me pain. Starsky is a funny guy. He has no inhibitions about his emotions but when he's forced to account for them, such as doing something to protect me and then getting caught, it hits him hard. It's like he wants somehow to remain anonymous rather than take credit for the actual act of kindness.
Rather than sit and wait for him, I headed to the kitchen to fill my watering can. I added a bit of plant food and began to pamper my green friends. I heard the door open and close behind me but continued with my activity. I deliberatly made my way to the couch and watered the fern there. Starsky sat on the couch, watching me. I set the can down on the floor and just stared back.
"I'm sorry", we both said at the same time. Also at the same time, we finally closed the space between us and reached for the other.
This hug held so much that neither one of us at that moment had the words for.
We stepped apart but continued the hold with our eyes. It's incredible to me that for such a tough guy, Starsky's emotions show so easily in his eyes.
"You're a lucky bastard that I didn't call in a report on a stolen car, buddy!" Starsky seemed to want to respond to the last few hours with humor but again, it's his way of working up to what he really wants to tell me.
"Hey, the car works pretty well! It certainly likes the open road!" So I'd stall for time too. The past few hours were hard for both of us but I knew that we'd hammer everything out and there would be no lasting hard feelings.
"Hutch, I really am sorry that I didn't tell you right away about Gillian. It's just that when I found her in the back of that massage parlor, I..." His voice dropped off and he turned away from me.
I grabbed his shoulder and turned him back around. I wanted to make sure he saw the sincerity on my face as I spoke to him.
"You know Starsk, I don't think it would have made a bit of difference in the outcome of her life. I also would have done the exact same thing. I wouldn't have told you anything that I suspected until I knew for sure that what I'd seen was the truth and not just a misunderstanding. You and Huggy did what you guys do best. You gather facts with only the outcome as your goal. You didn't do it out of spite or with malice."
As Starsky had done earlier, after this speech, I turned away from him mainly because I felt the tears well up again and just didn't want to acknowledge that it still hurt. I didn't want Starsky to get the wrong idea.
I didn't have to worry. But Starsky let me have my space as he said his peace.
"Hutch, I'd never do anything to keep you in the dark about something that would make you hate the woman you loved and I sure as hell would never do anything on purpose to ruin our friendship. I liked Gillian for who she was. Mostly, though I liked her because she brought you such joy. You don't allow yourself to be happy about much but you were so bitten by her that all I really wanted was to find a reason for everything I suspected not to be true."
Starsky sighed heavily as he finished. Now I knew for certain what Starsky had tried to tell me hours ago. I could have saved us both needless worry and confusion if I would have just swallowed my pride and believed in Starsky. But now that it was all in the open, both of us could heal. I could let my hurt turn into fond memories and be grateful again for the unconditional friendship Starsky offered. I also owed Huggy an apology.
Starsky cleared his throat in that way he has. You can tell a lot by that unconscious sound that he's ready to move on but he's not exactly sure how. But when it doubt, do it the Starsky way.
"Hey buddy, you must be starving by now! Go take a shower, then we'll grab breakfast and get to work early for a change. Dobey won't have a thing to bitch at us about today! Then when we're done for the day we can go bowling again. Or we can just come back here for pizza and beer or hang out at Huggy's... Whatever you want!"
I patted Starsky on the back as I made my way to the bathroom. I could tell I was in for a long period of babysitting but secretly, I looked forward to it!
----------
The red balloons take on other colors, another dimension. Their original existence symbolized deflated happiness. Now, they are lifting and floating again. The balloons are a rainbow of color. They hold a promise of friendship and are filled with joy.