When I open my eyes, the sun isn't up yet. The room is still dark and there are no rays of light peeking out from behind the curtain and I groan. If the sun isn't up then I shouldn't be either. It's a rule I've developed since I got here, ending the day with physical exhaustion from nonstop training and working here. The Dauntless have too much free time yet no free time at all. It doesn't make sense on paper, but it describes my everyday life perfectly.
I stretch out a little bit, my back brushing against something solid. Peter. I forgot I was at his apartment. In his bed. Wearing his t-shirt.
Last night, we'd had the biggest fight since the beginning of our relationship. It didn't last long and the night ended with me reassuring him he wasn't a monster. I don't think he believed me but it soothed him to hear someone say it. Sometimes, I don't know if I believe that either. Peter is dangerous, but I feel safe when I'm with him. Every once in a while, he seems like a monster even to me.
"Lana?" I hear him whisper from behind me.
I roll over, rubbing my eyes as I do until I'm face to face with him. Without warning, I feel his lips against mine. His hand snakes around to my back and presses me close against him like I'm a bird trapped within his strong steel cage. His other hand finds itself tangled within the jungle of my hair and yanks it backward, making me gasp in an equal solution of pleasure and pain. I feel his bare teeth against my neck, biting and claiming what's his. It comes in such an exhilarating rush that I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not still dreaming.
"Peter." I let out a gasp, surprised at his sudden actions of intimacy.
"You don't think I'm a monster." His voice is deep with sleep but husky with desire. "I'll show you a fucking monster."
For the next few moments, all I can feel is teeth and my hair being ripped from my skull. I bite my lip to hold back the noises I want so desperately to let loose, in fear of letting my guard down in front of him.
Peter flips us around in a fiery display of ribbons entangling themselves together like limbs. I feel him on top of me weighing me down like an anchor but in a way, gravity has left me and he's the only thing keeping from floating into space. He does magic with his hands and my skin only feels his skin against me until our skin melts together and I forget where I end and he begins. We blend together.
"Peter!" I yelp as he yanks my head back again. My fingers find the taut muscles of his back and arms, massaging the pads of my fingertips into them.
His hand snakes around my throat, fingers pressing deeply into the soft pale flesh. My breath stops under his touch but I don't need air to breathe. I just need him.
"Do you want this?" His question is gruff and his teeth graze my ear, biting down and making me arch my back against him.
"Yes." I squeak out instantly,, answering him a little too quickly and a little too eagerly. I think it makes me sound weak but I don't care. I want to be weak and vulnerable and naked in every way in front of him.
He is rough and merciless like the Candor with their words and I feel the pain twice as much as I feel the pleasure. My nails scrape down his back, leaving little jewels of ruby red blood down his back. My legs hook around him like I'm trying to trap him when in reality, I'm the little bird trapped within the steel cage he creates around me with his body. My flesh aches with the imprints of bruises as he hurts me and cuts me open until I'm pouring the blood and pain of vulnerability. I have never felt so radiant or so close to someone or so good.
His hands are harsh and rough, yanking my hair, wrapping around my throat, and pressing against my flesh in ways that will leave me looking like a blend of beautiful blues and purples. When I lose track of what separates us, I find that there is nothing. We are one and the same and he is within me, picking at my mind while ravishing my body and I am complete. We are complete.
There is a height, and we explode into a burst of colors and screams. The only thing I hear is him yelling my name and I know he can only hear me yelling is. He falls back next to me like an angel falling from grace, the mattress creaking and bringing us back into this world where we lie in his apartment of the Dauntless compound in reality. Peter is sweating and panting and soon, our breaths fall in sync together.
We regain a few degrees of separation we'd lost during our late night foray and we separate like water and oil, becoming separate beings but still touching side by side. Rays peek out from behind the curtain as the sun starts to wake up, meaning I should be awake, too. But I ignore it and instead close my eyes and pretend like I can stay here forever with Peter as long as I just close my eyes and sleep. Sleep… Sleep…
In the darkness, I hear Peter whisper so quietly that I'm not even sure I heard him at all. "I wanna fucking tear you apart."
{***}
"Hey, stranger!" Christina's loud voice rings in my ear. "Wow, you look… You look bad."
There are deep bags under my eyes from my lack of sleep the night before. I look like I rose from a coffin instead of Peter's bed when I woke up this morning. One thing anyone could tell from looking at me is that the zombie look does not work well on me. Even Peter had something to say before I left.
"Hey, Christina!" I try and fail to match her apparent positivity. "Long time, no see, huh?"
We stand around the middle of the Dauntless compound outside of a clothing shop that has outrageous fashion that's bizarre even for the Dauntless. Next to that is an apartment building, one of the nicer ones here. It bears a similar resemblance to the one Peter lived in.
She eyes me up and down with narrowed eyes and an accusing smirk. It is uncomfortable to be under her stare and I move my hand to hide my neck, covering the marks left by Peter's teeth from last night. I faintly smile at the memory.
"Is that your sweatshirt?" Christina asks, pulling at the loose fabric. "It's really big on you. You're small."
I shake my head. "No, it's not mine." I don't elaborate.
"Well, at least tell me who it is!" She exclaims, gesturing wildly with her hands. "Is it someone I know."
I contemplate lying to her about this, not wanting to face the disappointment I know I'll see in her eyes. But I remember she's Candor and will see right through me anyway, so I decide on the truth and hope that the Candor are right about it setting you free. "Peter's."
Christina's jaw goes slack and she completely freezes in front of me. The name sits behind her eyes for a while, bubbling and burning its way into her skull. When it finally registers, she seizes me by the shoulders with an expression I'd seen sisters give each other when something bad happens. I shouldn't be glad that she's worried for me but I am.
"Are you insane?!" She screams at me, shaking me while my head flops back and forth. "That manipulative, conniving, scheming little skeezeball!"
I widen my eyes, surprised by her loud outburst. I knew she would be upset but this is unexpected.
"I'm okay, Christina. I'm okay." I try to reassure her but how can I explain to someone who hates Peter so thoroughly that I feel light as a feather and giddy as an Amity.
"This was him." Christina pulls aside the collar of the sweatshirt and reveals the dark purple bruises that cover my throat, teeth marks and love bites stand out boldly against the pale color of my skin.
I nod, looking away from her. For some reason, I feel ashamed of myself. But I remember his anger and then his moment of weakness and I know that there is nothing wrong with what I did with him. And Christina just won't be able to understand.
"He's a monster." She tells me and I see a protective warmness in her brown eyes that makes me ache on the inside.
"He's not. Peter's not a monster." I say and my voice is strong and brave. I clutch the extra fabrics on the sleeves tight in my fists and look behind me at Peter. I don't know how much he heard.
Christina storms up to him, almost nose to nose with him. If she were a color, she'd be red because I can feel her anger all the way over here. I watch them, freezing and afraid Peter would blow up in her face.
"What's wrong with you? Taking advantage of new members that you trained?" Christina yells in his face, her cheeks turning crimson.
"I can assure you that Lana is capable of more than you can imagine." He snickers and his eyes go to me. "She's capable of more than I could imagine."
I shake my head, knowing it was a stupid thing to say to an angry Christina. She takes a swing at him, catching him in the bottom of the jaw. The force knocks him backward a few steps but he regains himself and charges toward her, pushing her back.
"Peter!" I yell, praying he doesn't do anything stupid. "Peter, don't."
His green eyes flicker back between mine and Christina's multiple times but he backs off. I can tell that it's a hard decision for him, to walk away from someone who was begging for confrontation. For him, it probably makes him feel weak. For Christina, it's him backing away while he has the upper hand. For me, it reinforces the fact that he's not a monster A monster has no control. He does.
"Let's go." Peter says, grabbing my wrist and ushering me away from Christina.
"No." I say, wriggling my hand from his grip. "I'm going to go say goodbye to Christina and you're going to wait here for me."
Peter stares at me, dumbfounded at my authoritative tone. I turn on my heel and walk back to my friend who is visibly shaken from her encounter with Peter though she hides it well under a mask. Her eyes flit over to where he stands, picking at his cuticles like he has nothing better do to. She spits at the ground like it is his face underneath her.
"I'm sorry." I tell her.
"Why are you with him?" Her tone is sharp and hard. It cuts me.
"I know you see a monster, but I don't." There's nothing else for me to say about it. I know she won't understand and that's okay. I accept that.
"Be careful." Christina tells me.
I nod and walk back to Peter who starts walking briskly in the opposite direction as Christina goes. I struggle to keep up with his long strides and quick pace.
"Will you slow down?" I snap.
"You made me look weak." He snaps back.
"Just because I don't think you're the horrible person you claim to be, I'm not going to put up with your bullshit no matter how amazing last night was."
He stops in his tracks and I crash right into his back. "So last night was amazing, was it?" He smirks, changing the subject.
"Of course it was." I smirk back but then hit him in the arm. "But it doesn't give you an excuse to act like an ass."
"You know now that I'm really getting a good look at you, you're glowing." He drags the back of his hand across my face, bringing it down toward my neck. "Is that my sweatshirt?"
I blush. I completely forgot I stole his sweatshirt before he woke up this morning. "Yeah, it is."
"Looks good on you." He leans down to press his lips to my forehead for a split second. "We should plan more nights like that."
"Absolutely."
{***}
"Peter's been distracted lately." Eric's eyes bore into mine like he's interrogating me for crimes against humanity.
I shrivel up and sink deeper inside Peter's sweatshirt. I can tell that my choice of attire is getting to Eric. I laugh under my breath, softly enough so he won't hear it. As far as I've come here, Eric still scares the absolute shit out of me.
"How so?" I ask, pretending to be innocently confused.
"He's been showing up late, for starters." Eric's eyes narrow to beady little slits that make me go weak at the knees in fear.
"He's always late." I shrug, looking for an escape.
The Pit is busy today. Everyone in the faction seems to be here today, getting in each other's way so tensions are high between everybody. This frustrates Eric since every time someone comes within mere centimeters of him, he lets out a low grumble that sounds like a predator warning others to stay away. I wish he would just let me leave.
"He's going to be a Dauntless leader." Eric tells me. I don't know why. "Don't get in his way."
With that little warning, Eric stalks away and I can hear him grumbling under his breath from afar. As soon as he's out of earshot, I cover my mouth to stop my giggling.
"What's so funny?" Peter wraps his arms around me, enveloping me entirely.
"I think Eric just tried to give me the talk." I manage to say between breathless laughter.
Peter's face scrunches up, his nose and eyebrows moving closer together. "What?"
"Do you two have some sort of bromance going on?" I laugh.
Peter shoves me away from him defensively. "Lana, I swear to God, if you don't tell me what's going on, I'm going to pitch you off the Chasm."
"Again?" I tease.
His eyes widen with anger and he wacks me upside the head. I try to duck but he's too fast. Before I stand up straight again, he has me in a headlock, tightening his arm around me throat.
"Alright, alright!" I say.
He lets me up but keeps a hand around my wrist as a warning. It takes me a little while to catch my breath from laughing so hard. There's still the tickling feeling that runs from my stomach to my chest indicating the danger of me falling back into a fit of giggles.
"He just gave me this weird warning." I point an accusatory finger at Peter and lower my voice in a mocking imitation of Eric. "Don't break Peter's fragile little heart. He's going to be a Dauntless leader someday."
"He said that?" Peter asks. "You're fucking with me."
I nod. "Yeah, I am. He just said you were gonna be a Dauntless leader soon and heavily insinuated that I was at fault for your slacking off lately." I wrap my hands around his neck and whisper in his ear. "He said you started showing up late."
"God damn, I thought he didn't notice." Peter laughed and brought his hand against my shoulderblades, rubbing his palm into the bruised skin. "I'm always late."
"Yeah, I know. I waited for you in the cafeteria for a half an hour last week."
"That was one time!"
"Two, actually." I stood up on my tiptoes to reach his lips with mine.
People around us stared, wondering how two people could represent such a tragic fairytale. It was like watching Beauty and the Beast come to life right here in Dauntless. Everyone else saw a monster and a victim.
They only saw each other.