Chapter 6

Raph took a deep breath and moved to knock on Leo's door. But for the third time in a row, his hand stalled a few inches away from the metal. The hothead squeezed his eyes shut. Get it together, Raph. This is just a conversation with Leo, not the end of the world.

Unless, of course, I screw this up. Then it'll be the end of my world cuz Mikey'll kick my butt to Jersey and back.

The thought made him chuckle and he gathered up his courage. But before he could knock, the door opened to reveal the haggard-looking eldest standing just inside.

"What do you want, Raph?" Leo asked tiredly.

Raph swallowed, looking at the floor. "We need to talk."

"Look, I-I wanted to apologize."

Leo snorted and raised an eye ridge in disbelief. "You...wanted to apologize...to me."

Green eyes flared with a spark of anger, but the resident hothead buried it quickly. "Come on, bro. I'm trying to be honest with you here. I was shocked, is all. Y'know I don't handle change well."

"Why do you think I didn't ever let you guys find out? I knew how you'd react. And...and I was ashamed." Leo's voice grew quiet and his head dropped towards his chest. "I knew I wasn't being the leader - the brother - you needed me to be. I just...I was scared that I wasn't good enough to-"

Raph frowned at that. "Hold on. What do you mean, not good enough? Leo, you're a fine brother. Sure, you may be a pain in the shell, but that doesn't mean you're not a good person. We all make mistakes. It's how we learn from them that defines us."

A small smile crossed Leo's face. "Wise words."

"Yeah. Came from an old Japanese guy one time." The brothers were silent for a long moment and then Raph spoke up again. "Look, Leo, I know the truth. I know how dead you are inside, how worthless you feel-"

"Stop," Leo whispered.

"I know how you look into a mirror and hate what you see."

"Stop it."

"I know you like the pain you inflict upon yourself because you believe that you deserve it. Because somehow, it makes you feel better about yourself. It takes away the shame you feel because you think you're a bad person-"

"Stop it!" the leader yelled, tears coursing down his cheeks. "I am a bad person, and I deserve every single scar that I give myself. I've failed too many times."

"How?" Raph pressed, anger surfacing in his expression again. He wasn't angry at Leo, not really. He was angry at himself, for not paying enough attention. For not being able to see this coming. For not being there to protect his brother. "How did you fail, Leo? How the shell did you fail?"

"HE'S GONE BECAUSE OF ME!"

The words exploded from Leo's mouth and he slapped a hand over his lips as if to stop them. But too late. They hung in the air for a moment, echoing in Raph's ears.

"Leo," he said softly. "Is...is that what you really think? You think it's your fault that Splinter's..."

"Of course it's my fault, Raph," Leo replied, his voice cracking. His shoulders sagged. Suddenly he looked old. Far too old.

Leo jerked as his brother's green hand landed on his shoulder. He looked up with bloodshot eyes. But Raph's face held no malice - not a touch of anger.

"You're wrong. I was right there, closer than you were. And I couldn't stop it either. None of us could. Not even April could've predicted it. So stop blaming yourself." Raph smiled, a little sadly. "You're not a bad person, Leo. You're a very good person that bad things have happened to."

Leo looked at him, then. Really, truly looked at him. And for the first time in months - in years - Raph got a good look at his older brother. At the pain he'd been hiding all this time. At the self-loathing and the disgust he had for himself. At the way he was barely holding himself together.

And Raph wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close. "I've got you, big brother. I've got you and I'm never letting go. Never again, you hear me? Never again."

Dudes, I'm not gonna lie to you - I almost freaking cried while I wrote this.

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