Chapter 7- You Know I'm no Good
The burning water scalds her once more. The last thirty minutes have done nothing to clean her as she would like. Fiona continues to scrub away at her already pink flesh. The sense of him on her finally, after a month of excuses, makes her cry once more while the soap does not to wash it all. Fiona had settled, just like her father had wanted her to and she could not muster up the hatred she felt for herself at this moment. She remembers the times he would insist in them sleeping together when they were engaged and she always denied him. The excuse was always the same. Wait until we are married. That excuse, after their marriage, was not enough.
She turned the faucet off but made no attempt to open the shower door, opting to let her mind fly for a moment to the events of that morning. The lump that had been there since then started to grow bigger in her throat, making it harder to tear herself away from this small glass box that isolated her, that help scrub away the consummation of her marriage, but she knew she would have to get ready to meet her sister in law and best friend in a bit. Holly J had called to invite to lunch at a small bistro which they rarely attended now that Fiona became a newlywed.
She finally opened the glass door and slipped on her bathrobe before exiting towards her bedroom. She was satisfied that the penthouse that she had was two stories, leaving the bottom half for one person to live while the other could hide on top, away from her reality. She went to the right door next to her office, across the way from her design room where fabrics of different textures, sketches of her new fall design and silks imported from fashion capitals around the world found their home on her floor or her couch.
She looked at the outfit she had picked out before she took her shower and started to dress herself, her body feeling out of place with her thoughts. Did she really think she could go on without even touching her husband, let along sleeping with him? Her stomach turned as the scene consumed her mind. She then pictured her first time with Adam. How scared they had both been, but how in love and happy she was when they had showed their love physically. She made a mental note to stop thinking of those thoughts, but it was becoming a task. The last she remembered of him was him walking away from her life while she wore her wedding dress.
"Did you need more time?" Holly J asked.
"What?" Fiona looked around, seeing that she had indeed been in her own world. She did not remember how she got there or for how long her body was going on memory before she tuned in.
"She'll have the salmon" Holly J grabbed the menu from Fiona's hand before handing it to the waiter who nodded, scribbled the order on his pad and left. Fiona took a sip from her water, hoping it would help her throat and mind.
"We had sex" she bluntly let out. She saw a small reaction in Holly J's eyes before she blinked it away.
"Last night?" Holly J asked.
"This morning. He came into my bedroom"
"He didn't force himself on you, did he?!" Holly J whispered through a frown.
"No" Fiona took a sip from her drink. "I said yes to him. I thought just maybe I would feel something. Anything. Not the emptiness and disgust I felt afterwards."
"Oh Fi"
"I hate myself. I can't even bring myself to react right. What is wrong with me, Holly J?"
"Nothing, you hear?" Holly J gripped her hand across the table. "Nothing is wrong. You just can't make yourself feel something for someone you don't love, Fi."
"I kept thinking of how different it is when you actually feel something for someone and you actually want to make love."
"Adam?"
"I am a fool. I should have left with him"
"Fiona, you can not keep beating yourself up over this"
"What would you have done, HJ? Would you have given up Declan if your father asked you to?"
Holly J played with the small arrangement on their table, not answering. "Well?" Fiona waited. "I-I thought I was going to have to, but it wasn't my father that asked me" Fiona sat straight in her chair. "What?"
Holly J exhaled. "When Declan and I announced our engagement, remember we did it in front of you and my parents?" Fiona nodded "Declan and I had done a trip earlier here to visit your parents and we told them. Your father congratulated us, but took Declan aside. Seems he told Declan to stop with this nonsense and start to really think of his future and not chase this fantasy that a middle class girl like me could make him happy. Declan was told what would happened if he married me." Holly J smiled "He told your father that he would marry me under a bridge, not a penny to his name before he let me go. Now all that is in the past."
Fiona clung to her napkin before balling it in her hand. "My brother did what I should have done"
"No. Do not compare yourself. Your father threatened your livelihood and you did not care. You did what you did because you were thinking of Adam and how he hand everything to lose because of your father"
Fiona looked up at Holly J, fighting the tears. "I'm sick of this." she whispered. "So sick." she wiped her tears. Holly J's hand reached over and comforted her again before she called the waiter over for the check and their food to go.
"Are you sure you're fine?" Holly J walked her to the elevator of her building. Fiona nodded. " I just need to work is all. Get my engine running. I don't want to go in today so working from home should help" Fiona reassured her with a small smile. Holly J took it as a good sign and hugged her. "If you need anything call me, ok?" "Ok"
Holly handed her side of their food to Fiona and waved back as she exited towards the awaiting taxi outside.
Fiona hit the button to her floor and waved goodbye before the doors closed. She stepped into her living room and made a bee line to her bedroom. She dialed her assistants number. "Hi Michelle. Listen I need to book a flight."
"No problem, boss lady. Where too? I'll call for the company-"
"No!stay away from the company plane. Book me a private flight and could you put the reservation under Celestine Arabella please?"
"Uhh sure, but where to?"
"Toronto"