A/N: All right, update time! Fai and Kurogane just got through a terrible ordeal, but will it spell the end of them in the long run? And what on earth has been going on with Yui? Thanks as always for the support, and I hope you enjoy the- dun dun dun- EMO CHAPTER. (Bonus points go to anyone who knows who Ashura's companion is in this chapter!)
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Six: What Came After
When Kurogane awoke, he was back inside the Reed manor, buried under the covers of Yuuko's bed. His skin was clammy and his throat felt like it was being burned with fire. It was hard to gather his thoughts together for even a few moments. How had he gotten here? He had been up in a tree, and there had been a flood that had almost destroyed everything, but how had he gotten from there to here? There were faint memories of a voice and then falling, but surely even the witch couldn't have delivered him safely from that?
Yuuko herself was seated beside him, wiping his forehead with a wet cloth and humming absently under her breath. She looked horrible. Her hair was unpinned and lank, and her eyes were bloodshot as if she hadn't slept for days. When she realized Kurogane was awake, she sighed and lowered her hand. "Fai-kun, it seems he has returned to us."
Kurogane lifted his head. Fai was set up in a cot to his right, his head turned away towards the window. Even when Yuuko spoke to him, he remained motionless as if the words had not fully reached him. He looked uninjured; that, at least, was a blessing.
"The... village," Kurogane whispered. His voice was hoarse from lack of use, but felt a little better when he cleared his throat.
"Ssh, don't be in a rush to speak," Yuuko chided him. "You are still weak. And I wish I could say that all was well with the village, but you saw for yourself what happened. I have petitioned the city for aid, and relief and workers have only just come here. Ours was not the only village hit, and with the absence of power..." She trailed off, staring at her hands.
The room felt eerily silent. Fai still chose not to speak, and manor had seemingly emptied out of all the people who had stayed in it. With so many houses ruined, there should at least have been someone taking shelter, but everyone was gone. Perhaps every available hand had been sent to help with things in the village, but Kurogane had the feeling that it wasn't the whole story. At the very least, his mother would be here to keep watch over him, and Yui would be here for Fai.
"My parents didn't make it," Kurogane said, settling back into his bed. A lump was rising in his throat, but his body felt too numb to do anything more. A part of him didn't want to admit he had awoken to reality rather than a terrible nightmare, but he knew everything he saw in front of him was the truth. "That's why they're not here, right?"
"Yes," Yuuko said. "The tree that collapsed the entrance of the shrine destroyed much of the foundation as well. It could not hold with the winds as they were. I am sorry."
"Not your fault," Kurogane muttered. He turned his head into the pillow, hiding the moisture pricking his eyes. "There must have been others with them. The priest, and anyone that came seeking shelter."
"Most managed to evacuate to me first, but yes, there were others. When we heard the tree fall... Clow tried to make it to them in time. He must have just been gathering them together when..."
Kurogane looked up. Yuuko was staring at her hands, her typically all-knowing expression lost in grief. He had never before felt anything more than dislike for her, but for the first time he understood exactly what she was and was not saying and could allow his heart to feel sadness for her. Though he did not like her and all of her vaguely worded warnings, he never would have wished on her the grief that came with losing a person she loved.
He glanced back at Fai. "He... that guy...didn't come back here did he?"
The other boy at last turned his head, revealing an ashen profile that did not look as if it belonged to a young man of only sixteen years. "Yes, Yuuko-san," came his colorless voice. "Tell him what happened to Yui. Exactly as you told me."
Yuuko sighed and stood up to cross the room and light one of her pipes. She took a long drag and released the smoke slowly, filling the room with the scent of incense. Kurogane waited, but she didn't say anything for a long time.
"What do you know about Shashi's life before she came to this village?" she asked at length.
"The banshee? I don't know anything about her. She just showed up here one day."
"Perhaps that's how it appeared to you, but her union with Ashura was the result of months of planning. I doubt he had any particular interest in her one way or another, but he was directly approached by her family to open up marriage negotiations. Shashi came from an a very old and powerful family, and her father would have been no one for Ashura to scoff at."
"Why the interest in that guy? He's no one special."
"Ashura? Yes, I suppose you could call him an unremarkable man from some perspectives. But he does come a bloodline known for bearing healthy, strong sons, and that was what was of value to Shashi's family. Shashi is the first of seven daughters born to a man with lands, business, and property he wished to pass on to sons, and when his own wife failed to give him one, the expectations fell on Shashi and her sisters to marry well and provide proper heirs to the family line. Shashi was allowed her own life and duties as a miko while there was still hope for her mother to give birth, but as soon as those days passed, she was raised solely for the purpose of bearing and raising sons. Should she fail, she would face the same shame and humiliation as her mother, so she became obsessed with fulfilling her father's wishes for her own preservation."
"And how do you know any of this?"
"I know this because Yui told me. Yui was always a dutiful and obliging child, and Shashi saw in him all she wanted in her own son. From the very beginning, she would confide in him as she found her reception in Ashura's home less than welcome. At first Yui was sympathetic towards Shashi, but even he began to realize she was becoming unhinged the longer she went without becoming pregnant. She began to become convinced Yui and Fai were her sons, and that Ashura was trying to keep them from her. But it wasn't until she threatened to do something about the amount of time Fai was spending with you, Kurogane-kun, that Yui spoke to me about what was happening. I tried to communicate with Shashi and found her unreceptive, so I settled for having the house watched for the time being. When she became pregnant, we hoped the whole affair would be over."
"But it just got worse."
"Yes. It was perhaps not the best time for that family to be blessed with a child such as Ashura, but the universe unfolds as it will regardless of the sense of occasion. I know not what caused that child to be born without gender, but Shashi took it as a personal offense, first from the gods, and then from both the child and its father. When it came time to send word back to her family, she panicked. As you yourself witnessed, it only heightened her resolve to claim Fai and Yui as her own children at any cost."
"And nothing was done about this?"
"Oh, yes," Yuuko said, narrowing her eyes. "Something was done about it. Not by me, you understand. I had received a dream of the flood and was setting up precautions alongside Clow to protect the people of the village, so perhaps Yui thought he could not disturb me with the troubles of his family. In any case, he chose to take matters into his own hands. Since Shashi was threatening the lives of both father and son, Yui simply asked them to leave and find someone to calm her down. As for Fai, he made certain that he and Shashi were never left alone, and that he was kept ignorant of the extent of her madness. Yui was willing to humor Shashi and leave the village with her, perhaps because that boy has always carried a sense of needing to be somewhere else, but he was not willing to involve Fai. And to keep Fai safe, he needed you."
Kurogane shook his head. He could see where this was going. "The banshee wanted to leave on the day of the flood, right? Sneak the brothers out when everyone else was occupied?"
"That was her plan. And Yui realized that he would need to keep both you and Fai away that day. He needed Fai in that tree so Shashi would not take him, and he needed you there as well so you would not put his plan to a halt. Think what you will of him, but I do not believe he intended to die. Both he and Shashi underestimated the flood, and underestimated the pain the both of you would feel as a result of Yui's actions. But I do not think he would have ever left you two up in that tree if he had known the dangers that storm posed. You may have very well died of that fever if I had not come looking for... Clow."
"So there you have it," Fai said in his new, hollow voice. "Yui died protecting me."
"Where the hell did you get that conclusion out of all of that?" Kurogane asked, gritting his teeth. "I'm not going to defend him to you, especially since I want to punch his lights out for keeping everything he knew from us. But he didn't die for you. He died doing what he always did, trying to make every single person in this damn world happy. And now... and now..." Kurogane's throat tightened, but he didn't think it was because of his sickness.
"And now?" Fai echoed. "Now I have nothing more to say. To either of you. I was the last hope my brother had to survive, and you took that chance away, Kurogane. I can't forgive you. It was a mistake to be with you from the very beginning when I should have been helping Yui with all the things he was suffering with. If not for you, he would be... I would have..." His chin began to tremble, and he cursed under his breath. "And Yuuko-san, you were supposed to be here to help the village. If you knew the flood was coming, why did everyone at the temple have to die? Why did Yui? What is the point of you being here if you couldn't even save Clow?"
Silence reigned over the room. Yuuko set down her pipe and let the smoke waft through the air, and Kurogane simply stared at Fai. He hadn't saved him. He had kept him held against the tree for who knows how long, but he hadn't spared him anything but death. Fai had still broken in his arms, fractured into pieces of grief and frustration and bitterness and anger that would not easily heal and reform back into a heart. He had no one to tell him that it was okay to cry and feel angry with Yui and Kurogane and Yuuko and the entire world if he wanted, but the time would have to come where he would need to reassemble what he was left with and start to live again. Perhaps Kurogane would have been able to tell him if it had been anyone else but Yui who had died, but the Fai raging in front of him right now was not one who wanted to listen or hear.
"Oi," he said, reaching out one of his shaky hands to press against Fai's. "Is that really what you want to say right now? Is using your grief to hurt others really what you need to do?"
Fai pushed Kurogane's hand away and began sobbing into his hands. Yuuko still said nothing, but returned to Kurogane's bedside and mopped his forehead again as if nothing had happened. She squeezed the washcloth onto his face, sending trickles of water down his cheeks in case he needed to mask tears of his own. But he couldn't cry, not even with nearly everyone most important to him dead. The person he needed to protect was still right in front of him, but no matter how much he thought, he could not figure out what to do or say to give him peace.
"Fai!"
The three of them looked up. Ashura was standing in the doorframe, a tall man with long white hair standing behind him carrying the baby in his arms. Ashura hurried into the room and knelt down beside Fai's cot, reaching out to press him into a tight embrace.
"Thank the gods," he murmured, stroking Fai's hair. "Half the village gone... went back to the house and they told me Shashi and Yui were dead and that you had a fever... I thought I might be too late."
Fai rested limp in his arms, refusing to respond to Ashura's touch. Kurogane wondered if he was going to hold him accountable for Shashi, or if he at least would earn his forgiveness.
"Fai, please look at me." Ashura cupped his face in his hands. "I know how hard it must have been for you and Yui, and I'm sorry. I never wanted things to be this way. After your mother died, I wanted there to be someone there for you, someone who could do all the things she had done for you, but that person wasn't Shashi. It's fine if you want to blame me, but I will do everything I can to give you and Ashura a better life now that I have this second chance. My friend is letting us stay with him in a nearby village. Please say you'll come back with us. All I wish for is that you will be happy."
"Happy," Fai repeated. "Fine. I have nowhere else to go."
"Oi." Kurogane reached out again and grabbed Fai's arm. "Don't try to disappear on me."
"I don't have anything to do with you anymore."
"So sixteen years of your life are over and done with. Just like that. And you really think that's what that guy would have wanted?"
"Don't speak to me about what Yui wanted!"
"You're the one who's trying to interpret the choice he made and punish yourself with it. I don't know what that guy was thinking. Neither do you. And it doesn't matter, even if we did know. This is your life, not his. Don't throw it away just because you think you're noble and ready to die because of what happened to him."
"Enough!" Ashura stepped in between the two boys, lifting up a hand. "You're upsetting my child and making a scene in front of Yuuko-san and my companion. Kurogane-kun, I apologize on behalf of Fai. He is upset, just as I am sure you are. But now is not the time for you to be lecturing and hurting one another. He will need some time to recuperate, and it will be better for him to be around family. And when you are healthy again, I give you full permission to see us in our new home, if you are not otherwise occupied rebuilding yours. Will that suit?" He extended his hand and helped Fai to his feet. "Come now. Let's get some food in you and be on our way. Say your goodbyes to Yuuko-san and Kurogane-kun."
"I've already said everything I needed to say." He glared at Kurogane with watery eyes, but could not hold his gaze for long. "Goodbye."
"Oi!"
Yuuko shook her head and held Kurogane down in the bed as Fai followed Ashura back through the door. "You are barely capable of standing up at the moment, least of all convincing a heart so set on its path to change its mind," Yuuko admonished him. "You want to reach a future where he will stay by your side? Then become strong enough to build that future with your own two hands. But before you find that strength, you must regain what you have lost. Rest. You have suffered enough for one day."
"And what about you?"
She sighed, covering his eyes with her hand to lower his lids. "I am only human, Kurogane-kun. I cannot keep anyone from dying, or save every life that is precious to me. I can only keep wishing for a happy future, one where we will no longer know the pain we have endured today. But pain will keep coming. All we can do is decide what we're going to do about it." She rested her forehead on his, and he could feel moisture dripping onto his cheeks. "Now rest. You can decide what comes next in the morning."
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Two days later, the village held a service in the Reed manor for all those who had passed away. The shrine and village houses were in ruins, and even the sakura grove had lost a handful of its trees, so there was no other place large enough to host everyone who came through to pay their respects. Yuuko was the only one associated with the temple who was still alive, so she oversaw the ceremony even though she was among those with the most to mourn.
Kurogane was still unsteady on his feet, and needed to lean on Doumeki and Watanuki to make his way through the house without incident. Though he was embarrassed by his own helplessness, he was glad to have them there to make things a bit easier for him when people approached him to say a few words about his mother and father and even Yui. When he found it difficult to speak, they gave their thanks for him, and accepted the many gifts and flowers left in honor of his parents, Yui, and Haruka-san.
The ceremony itself was a solemn occasion. The village was still in shock at having lost their shrine, its priest, and chief attendant in one fell swoop, along with their landlord and several of their neighbors and friends. Yuuko spoke with all the raw and earnest strength of her heart, but even she could not completely break through the numbness of each heart in the room.
When the service was over, she approached Kurogane with her hands full of his belongings. "Here," she said, passing it along to Doumeki, who was currently better equipped to carry it. "These are the things you brought from your family. I had a feeling you would want to return to your house when all this had ended, and it would be unwise to try to start again empty handed. There is damage to the walls and the roof has temporarily been replaced by a canvas, but it should be suitable enough for you to continue your recovery there, so long as you assure that someone is able to check in on you."
"And what are those?" he asked, nodding to the scrolls in her hands.
"Sketches of your parents. They are a gift from your mother's friends to you, though they asked me to be the one to present them to you. Also, since Fai is no longer here to receive it, there is one of Yui. It was drawn by the Clow at the hanami picnic after you and Fai wandered off. Yui was upset with me, so Clow wanted to distract him to ease the tension. I hope it will not be long before you can return it to his brother's possession."
Kurogane allowed Watanuki to accept the scrolls on his behalf.
"There is one last thing." Hidden underneath the long sleeve of her dress was Fai's bolt of silk, creamy white with its flecks of red flowers. "Yui considered this the most precious thing to save in his home. It is unhealthy for gifts to be away from the person they were meant for, especially if they have an affinity for that person. Make sure Fai does not go too long without it."
He accepted it silently, flooded with emotions as soon as the silk touched the tips of his fingers. He remembered how slim Fai's hand had felt within his, the smell of lavender, the kiss they had shared underneath the sakura trees in spring. So many feelings had been placed into this single piece of fabric, but now he couldn't be sure what would become of them or the person who still remained at their center. He only knew the future he wanted, even though he could not yet see what road would lead him there.
Doumeki and Watanuki walked him back to his house, helping him with his things. They talked quietly among themselves of the possibility of Doumeki training to take over Haruka's position in the temple, but Kurogane barely heard them. All he could hear were his footsteps against the path and the absence of Fai's gliding stride beside him, that way of walking he had that seemed so aimless and half-hearted, although he never failed to keep up with Kurogane and follow wherever his feet led. But not anymore. And never again would Yui be trailing a little ways behind, already lost in things bigger than he could handle, the agonies of a woman who tried to hang up her entire world on him.
The house looked pretty gloomy by time they made it. The windows were shattered, though the glass had been swept up, and most of their furniture had been destroyed and chopped down for wood. The black canvas anchored overhead cast a shadow on everything, making the place that had always been his home seem strangely inhospitable.
"Will you be fine?" Doumeki asked as Kurogane opened the bundle his parents had sent with him and began to sort through his remaining keepsakes. "Would you like us to stay?"
"No. Rather be alone tonight."
"All right." Doumeki took Watanuki's hand, but paused before leaving. "Kurogane-san?"
"Mmm?"
"No matter what Fai-san says... I was there when he woke up from his fever. He recovered quickly, but Yuuko-san wasn't sure if you would make it. Up until your fever broke, he sat by your side crying and praying that you would not die. Even if he does not want you to think so, he really must still love you."
"Loving someone and not wanting them to die are two different things."
"Hmm? Even so, there is a difference in the way he looked at you. No one is capable of looking at someone they don't love with those eyes."
With a solemn nod to Kurogane, the two boys left the house, leaving him in his old surroundings for the first time ever completely alone.
He sighed and shook his head. There was nothing to do but unpack. He emptied the bundle of his mother's letters and diaries and his father's folded up work clothes and savings. He ran his fingers across them, trying to feel any lingering traces of his parents, and remembering his mother's gentle smile and his father's big hand on his shoulder. He knew they would want him to live well and honestly even without them there, but he felt as if there were holes in the house in their absence, places they should have filled but left for him alone to occupy.
Setting aside the rest of his things, Kurogane curled up on the floor. The ground was cold and still slightly damp, and air traveled through the canvas to brush harshly against his skin. He knew it wasn't wise to remain like this while still recovering from an illness, but he liked the rawness of the sensation against his nerves. He was alive and thinking and could still move forward. All he needed to do was chart the path, but if it was somewhere he could go, he knew he could bring himself there somehow.
His mind traveled back to his first days in this house, the memory passed to him through his mother. He thought of Fai and Yui and their mother, of Fai racing to him and giving him a name and pressing a kiss on his small forehead. He thought of Yui speaking of being somewhere else and Fai laughing about being Kurogane's bride. Things would never go back to how they were, but perhaps that wasn't what mattered. The memories still lived on, existing in both his mind and his flesh itself. They were alive, just as Fai's were alive and still encased within him. Even if there were things they could not get back, there were still just as many things that they could not hide or run away from as time moved forward.
I'll bring you back, he vowed silently. Even if I spend the rest of my life fighting your hate, I'm not going to let the person I've sworn to protect hurt himself for any longer.
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